Fuzzy Brain Syndrome

Nothing of note went on this weekend. I worked late Friday, which was not fun. I'm not even going to get into what went on at work but it culminated in H having to "talk me down" from the ledge I was on. The ledge of I'm about to leave this joint for good. Not pleasant.

Getting home I had that disturbing J.T. run-in. But home was nice, peaceful. I was tired but it was nice to be home. H had made dinner and the whole family gathered around our under the table. T.D. had just conquered new territory or something and was in a fine mood. Happy to see her Mom too I think.

I spent a majority of Saturday cleaning, oh the fun of that. T.D. likes to hang out in the various rooms I'm in checking out my dusting techniques. H worked all day. We had dinner with some friends who just moved to the area too. It was nice. We hadn't seen them in a few years and I'm so happy they are back. Dinner was good, there was even flemenco dancing! Who knew in our tiny, quiet 'burb you could find that. Or that a baby can sleep through all that foot stomping but she did.

The fact that T.D. was awake almost continuously from 12 a.m. to 3 a.m. was a whole other issue. I slept in Sunday (thanks H !) but for the rest of the day I was in some sort of fuzzy spaced out mode. I couldn't wake up. No amount of caffiene could do it. I spent the day with T.D. in the den laying about through various naps of hers. She too seemed to be in this mood. Thankfully she only woke up once last night. As you can read, I'm out of it again today though. My brain just feels like there is a physical block on it. I can't access all of it. Wonder what's up with that.

This ones for you Tara...

I hope you're listening.

Sexy Back

[Verse 1]
I'm bringing sexy back
Them other boys don't know how to act
I think you're special what's behind your back
So turn around and I'll pick up the slack

Take em' to the bridge

[Bridge]
Dirty babe
You see these shackles
Baby I'm your slave
I'll let you whip me if I misbehave
It's just that no one makes me feel this way

The other day I was stuck in traffic. What else is new around here? I turned on the radio thinking I need something to take my mind off this mess. Normally I listen to NPR or some talk radio. If I get lost in the subject time flies by as I yell at the radio. This day however I was sick of hearing about war, poverty, and everything else that is wrong with the world today. I needed music. A little happy relief. I tune it in to the local Top 40 station and this song comes on. It's kind of catchy and I haven't heard it yet. What is it? I look at the screen in my car- it's blank. Oh well. I continue to listen and think, this isn't too bad. Then I see it. I see the screen and it's displaying something I cannot believe. The song that I'm listening to, the one I think isn't half bad, is Justin (I wanna be Michael Jackson so bad I would light my hair on fire) Timberlake. OH GOD NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!! I LOATHE J.T. I change the station immediately. Sadly, the next day I am cleaning around the house and it comes on again. I sense movement in the room and turn around. T.D. is on the floor kicking to the beat of the music, smiling wide and indeed loving this putrid song. The child has no taste in music clearly.

Holy Schnykies!

You Are Batman

Billionaire playboy by day. Saving the world by night. And you're not even a true superhero. Just someone with a lot of expensive toys!

What Superhero Are You?

You're Totally Sarcastic

You sarcastic? Never! You're as sweet as a baby bunny. Seriously, though, you have a sharp tongue - and you aren't afraid to use it. And if people are too wimpy to deal with your attitutde, then too bad. So sad.

How Sarcastic Are You?

In the Midnight Hour

My life feels so repetetive right now. It's not the get up, go to work, drive home, go to bed repetetive though that is in there daily. It's the wake up EVERY hour EVERY night thing that is going on in our house. Since Sunday T.D. has decided that a simple 12 hour rule is not adequate enough. Oh no. Now she's taken it to a new level of servitude. Now she wants H and I at her beck and call all 24 hours of the day. As I said earlier this week, I can only guess she's teething. I'm not going to assume it because we all know what that does. Ha Ha... I'm so tired I almost found that funny.

Last night, was the worst it went a little something like this:

8:45 p.m.: H says, "I'm tired, let's go to bed." T.D. has been in bed almost an hour. Sound asleep looking like the precious baby that she is. Sigh... I am not quite ready for bed but figure, What the hell, it's been a long day.

9 p.m. SHARP!: T.D. begins to cry. My body is in that almost asleep paralyzed state. I cannot move. Will H?

Uh, no. H does not move. He groans but he doesn not move. I cry- I'm getting there.......really I am.

11:15 or 11:17: I have no freakin' clue what time it really is but I know it's not that late. T.D. is up again. Pacifier in-check! Shuffle off to bed.

Somewhere in the vicinity of 1 a.m.: H gets up to attend to a crying T.D. Somewhere in this world a child sleeps. Sadly, it's not mine. Why isn't the teething stuff working? Note to self: write evil sleeplessness induced letter/diatribe/manifesto to "Little Teethers" company. In letter/diatribe/manifesto let them know exactly what you think of that cute cartoon baby that is smiling/mocking you from the tube.

2 something: I know I looked at the clock as I slid back into bed after putting her pacifier back and calming her down. But again, it was early. I know not the time. Only that I'm not sleeping through it.

3 whatever: OH MY GOD!! SERIOUSLY!!! I HATE "LITTLE TEETHERS"!!!! THEY SUCK!!!! THEY SHOULD BE RUN OUT OF BUSINESS AND TOWN!!!! Do I need to give the baby Nyquil and/or Nytol? Geez! I shuffle into T.D.'s lair and she is so upset. I reswaddle her because in her frenzy she has kicked her blanket down to the other end of the crib. The pacifier is NOWHERE TO BE FOUND. It's meltdown time. Luckily my crazy brain remembers throwing the last ditch effort emergency pacifier into a draw. I quickly locate said pacifier and stuff it into T.D.'s piehole. She is sated. For now.

4:15 a.m.: Alarm goes off. I loathe anyone who has slept. T.D. is now sound asleep and happy. H is asleep and the dog is asleep. I sigh and hit snooze.

4:24 a.m.: Alarm goes off again. I hit snooze. Oh those precious nine minutes of heavenly bliss.

4:33 a.m.: Hit snooze again. Must try to get up.

4:43 a.m.: Huh, what? zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

4:52 a.m.: Still snoozing.

5:01 a.m.: Alright already! I'm up! I shuffle downstairs to start the coffee. As I shower, dress and get ready I listen for sounds of a waking dictator. Nope. Still asleep. I go into her room and watch her sleep. H is still asleep.

6:15 a.m.: Work. Another day. Will someone please notice my writing and let me do that the rest of my life because I need some sleep!

Five Down, Three to Go!

Last night I had another therapy session. I was supposed to think of something that we hadn't already discussed. I have spent the last two weeks trying to think of something and I did. But, I didn't particularly want to talk about it. So it was nice when my therapist prefaced our meeting with, "If you haven't thought of anything new, that's ok." Whew! Good. Except that I felt the need to bring it up anyway. I'm not going into it as it's just too personal really and requires way too much explanation. It's just an issue I've never discussed with ANYONE. Ha, too personal, and I parade my everyday life and PPD issues out here like nothing. Suffice to say we talked and it helped. Enough said.
I did get into the guilt issue again which made me cry. That's normal she said. Wow- good thing insurance is paying because I already knew that. The guilt just sucks. It drains me sometimes too. We left it with next sessions topic being "How to deal with jerks who tell you that you don't love your child if they are in daycare." Heh heh. That is a WHOLE other issue.

Speaking of that some of you had some great comments. I whole heartedly agree with you Siobhan. We parade breasts on tv, in movies and music yet the idea of a woman actually nourishing her child is offensive. It's ridiculous, silly, and hypocritical. The purpose of our breasts? It's not to be fun bags for the opposite sex. We all know this yet Siobhan is right, 57% of the population finds it "disgusting" to see a woman breast feed in public. I'm ok either way with breastfeeding. If you do it and like it - great. If you can't or don't want to, that's fine too.

I wanted to and did for only 3 weeks. T.D. was incredibly colicky and I found the whole process to aid in my depression. The opposite of what it's supposed to do I know, but it's true. The sheer fact that I alone had to feed around the clock, pump, and just sit there all the time made me go into a deep dark shell I would rather not revisit. I liked that I was doing something good for T.D. but it was overwhelmed by the strong rooted feeling that the depression brought. When I decided to put T.D. on formula I felt guilty until I realized how much more content she was and how my mood lifted. The cloud of PPD did not go away but it did lift a bit. I know in the end that I made the right decision for us. Everyone needs to do what is right for them and their family. You are right Siobhan the point of the women's movement was/is supposed to be so that whatever decisions we as women make for ourselves and our families is the right one. It's not work out of the home or stay at home absolutely. It burns me up that we don't support each other better. If there is one thing that having T.D. has done for me is that I respect the decisions we make as individual parents more and more. If you want to stay home and you can- go for it! Work part-time? Great. Work full time and you can handle it. Or you MUST handle it- then that's fine too. Just stop beating up the woman in the cube near you or down the block for her choice. As Charlotte of Sex and the City once said, "My choice is my choice! I choose my choice!" If you are fine with it then so am I.

I know I'm all over the place today. I just feel so strongly about the guilt that all these issues put on women. And women put on women over their choices. It's senseless.

A Public Affair

Yeesh, it's bad when you wake up in the dead of night to attend to your crying child and as you stumble back to bed Jessica Simpson's horrible new song, A Public Affair starts playing in your head. That's what happened to me last night. I heard that damn song on the radio last night and apparently my sleep addled brain was just awake enough to remember that. Greeeaat. I hate that song. I heard some DJ compare her to Madonna yesterday and I almost ruined my car's upholstery by vomiting up my morning toast. Madonna? Excuse me what? I DON'T think so. Has the Ms. Ex-Lachey reinvented herself ever? If you count not wearing red pleather anymore a new image then I guess, but come on! Her music sucks! It's beyond lacking creativity. I would rather listen to classic 70s southern rock which if you know me, you know I loathe it with the intensity of a thousand burning suns.

Enough Already!

Coincidentally last night was the regular viewing night for that awful show- Two and a Half Men. I'm scanning the channels and it's just started. Scene one- Charlie Sheen is in ... you guessed it! Khaki shorts. These have cargo side pockets. How creative. I flip through some more channels and ten minutes later just for giggles I flip back to the dreaded two man show. He's wearing shorts again! I wonder if it's a Sheen thing or if the wardrobe person for the show just really hates him and knows he has knobby knees and chicken legs and it's their personal joke each week. Either way it's enough! The man needs some pants!
While flipping through the networks I stop on H's fave show- Hell's Kitchen. One of the characters utters this line- He's dead to me. I just stopped. I mean Come the F on. Everyone says that these days. She's dead to me. You're Dead to me. He's Dead to me. On and on. Everyone utters it on tv and on the street. It's dawned on me in the last few months how overused this phrase is. It's lost it's verve. It has no meaning now. When people used to say it, it sounded cold. Now it's just trite and every other person and tween says it. I just turned to H and said you know - that saying- I'm done I gave the universal hand gesture of "I'm out Dealer" and finito. It's dead to me.

It's Product Time

Put your party socks on everyone! What? You don't own party socks? What kind of person doesn't own party socks. I confess I have no idea what the hell party socks are supposed to actually look like but I think I could scrounge up a pair. I would imagine you would wear these to a party with a game of twister too. But that is just my guess.

The product this week is .....Venom Lip Gloss by DuWop. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00021B1LO/sr=8-1/qid=1153943584/ref=pd_bbs_1/002-7333849-9488855?ie=UTF8It's been around awhile and Sephora claims it is phasing it out but I happen to love it. I wear coral tree most of the time. It can be found at Sephora online or drugstore.com another fave place of mine. What's great about Venom is that while I don't find it plumps my lips any I love the stinging/hot feeling I get when I put it on. Mildly cinnamon is what one friend described it as when I forced it on her. It's lip gloss for the sado-masochist in you. Enjoy!

As an aside I just finished a really great book. 'What Remains: A Memoir of Fate, Friendship and Love' by Carole Radziwill. You can look it up on Amazon.com to the right of the screen if you like. It's a funny, poignant story of her life as a journalist and wife to Anthony Radziwill. I'm not one to read much about the Kennedy family but Carole was best friends with Carolyn Bessette Kennedy and her husband was with JFK Jr. It was an interesting read on the level that her life growing up in Sefferen, NY was pretty comical in some ways but her view of the plane crash that took the lives of the Kennedy's intersects througout her story in a touching way. I was pleasantly surprised really despite it's sometimes melancholy feeling.

In the Wee Small Hours

T.D. I can only guess is teething. I totally jinxed us last night by saying, "Oh, she went down so easy tonight." Yeah, she went down easy but she didn't stay down.

12:30 a.m.- on the dot. T.D. begins to cry. A small plaintive cry but it keeps going in little machine gun bursts. I get up and see she is wide awake and smiling at me. Oh no you don't baby! It's way too early in the morning to play. Stick pacifier in T.D.'s puckered mouth and go back to bed.

12:40 a.m.- crying begins again. Little whines but they wake H and I. Well, I was not asleep but instead my mind was beginning to chug along and wake up more. Great. H goes in and pacy's her up.

12:50 a.m.- the despot begins again. It's going to be one of those nights I imagine. I have no recollection of what happened here. I think I went in and reswaddled the little dictator and she promptly fell back asleep.

1 a.m.- THIS IS NOT FAIR!!! I'M KNOW OTHERS ARE SLEEPING! I KNOW MY CO-WORKERS ARE ALL SNOOZING AWAY WITHOUT A CARE IN THE WORLD. The dog is snoring away in the corner. H is asleep. Why isn't T.D.?!

1:30 a.m.- I'm awake. My mind is going a million miles a minute. It's thinking of cereal. Did H have cereal before bed? Did I put clothes aside for this morning? Do I really have to sit in flourescent lighting all day? Who decides that this type of glaring light is right for an office? Is it super cheap or something? My car is dirty. I should clean it. What will I blog about tomorrow? What's for dinner? It goes on and on like this until I think I have a dream about scuba diving. Whatever at least I'm asleep.

2 a.m.- I think. It's not quite clear. H gets up and gives T.D. some baby tylenol. Seems she's chewing vigorously on the pacifier. H says, 'Poor thing is so tired but can't seem to stay asleep.' Yeah, poor baby. She gets to sleep the day away though while H and I must toil.

4:15 a.m.- my alarm goes off. H might have gotten up again and rocked her. I have no real knowledge of this as I must have fallen asleep again. I have to take T.D. to daycare today so I must wake up earlier and but I'll get to work later than normal which in turn means I'll have to stay later or not take lunch. People wonder why my complexion looks tired or I have headaches. It's night's like these. I just wish I could sleep another hour or two.

5:45 a.m.- T.D. is in her car throne. She is packed and ready to go for the day. I look at her wistfully and think, son of a gun. The damn despot keeps me up all night and yet now all I want to do is spend the day with her. I swear she posesses some type of voodoo witchcraft mumbo jumbo that she works on me.

6:55 a.m.- Work. Office. Desk. Chair. Stupid florescent lighting. Eyes twitching. I reach into my desk and pour myself a stiff drink. Kidding. It's coffee and not nearly enough.

You Should Live Like Me

Plane Overheards

I went to NYC this weekend to visit a friend. I had a FABULOUS time and it was very relaxing and exactly what I needed. I shopped, ate, drank and slept late! Whoo hoo! I had a facial, ate yummy cupcakes and wore strappy sandals and a cute dress. I had fun. On my own without H or T.D. and it was well needed. I came back happier and more relaxed and not because of some pill I took. Thanks Mary! You were a great host and I loved every minute of it. Except for that part where I bit it in Chinatown. Yeah, that sucked.

Anyway, while waiting for my flight I was doing my usual looking around at my fellow passengers. I like to see who I'm sharing air space with. I try to guess who is going to be the freak and who is going to be the ass on the plane. It's fun. You should try it. You can hear some pretty good stuff too while waiting. Like this:

"Yes, I've tried that. I've taken her to four dog whisperers in the last few months and she's still the same. She still is a problem dog. "

(The woman next to me just smiled and tried to contain her laughter as did I over this. Seriously FOUR dog whisperers? You have that kind of money? Is that why you are flying coach?)

This is not something said but this girl in front of me had a Blackberry, cell phone and another cell phone all of which were either ringing or vibrating all the time. It stressed me out just to sit near her. Who can live that way? I just wanted to tap her on the shoulder and say, Excuse me is this your life? Oooh ick. I'm sorry.

Blech!

About 5 people to one girl- "Is that your apple? Girl: NO! For the last time that is NOT my apple! Just because it's by my feet and bag does not make it my apple!" Finally she just chucks the apple across the waiting area. Nice.

Son to Mother: How fast does the plane go? Mother: Really fast. Fast enough to get us to NY in 35 minutes to an hour. It takes 2-3 by car Son: That's fast. So why can't we drive? Isn't that faster? (Note: son is 15 not 3. Scary huh?)

And now back to your otherwise non-entertaining workday.

See How Awesome the 4th Can Be?!

That's ME! On my deck on the 4th of July. My friend Jeff took it. Pretty nifty huh? I'm impressed by his skillz.

Just Breathe

Already I am warning you loyal readers that there are going to be more than the normal (two)amount of posts today (probably 15). I've been away for a few days so I'm jonesing to blog and a lot has gone on. Hell, a lot has gone on in the last four hours it seems.

Where to begin? First off it's taking a lot of concentration to type this post today because from the minute I sat down at my desk I've had almost constant vertigo. I'm thinking and hey, I'm not a doctor, but I think it might be stress. The thing is, work is not that bad right now. It might be psychological with work. Sigh. This makes me so sad that I just want to start crying. My head is once again pounding, my energy feels depleted and I'm nauseous. My head is spinning like a tilt-a-whirl. I'm like Lucille 2 for all you A.D. fans. Lucille 2 Maximized X forty. Ick. It's scary that on Friday to about 6 a.m. this morning I was fine. No vertigo or nausea at all. No headaches. Now, BOOM! All of them. I don't know what to do. Stop working? Not an option so don't start emailing me about that or I'm going to get REALLY cranky on your butt. If it solved my health problem then I guess it would be good but since that really isn't an option. We depend on my paycheck and the stress of me not working on the family unit might just be worse.

With that being said I do love your ideas and opinions. I've had some great feedback from you wonderful readers. I love it and appreciate it more than I can express. I'm just a little edgy today after hearing from a co-worker how much I suck because I went away this weekend without my baby. Thanks for your free/anxiety inducing advice jackass.

Seacrest out.

The hell?

Driving to work this morning I hear this on the radio. Charlie Sheen is asking for $1 Million per episode of his show 'Two and a Half Men'. Ok, if that isn't weird enough he feels he can command this price because 1.) he's been nominated for an Emmy for it, and 2.) It's the number one rated comedy show in the country. WHAT?! Seriously? That show is total crap! The few times I've accidently seen a minute or two of that moronic thing he's wearing the same stupid khaki shorts that I'm always afraid will show me more of Mr. Sheen than I want to see and that kid just looks fatter than he did the last time. How on earth is this the number one comedy?! WHO IS WATCHING THIS? Please tell me because no one I know watches this tripe.

No wonder shows like Arrested Development and Sons & Daughters don't last. The country watches bile like Rodney, Life with Jim and Mr. Sheen. What next?

Random!

Random Thoughts That Have Popped into My Head Today


1. Why do I get so many penis enlargement emails? I'm a girl.

2. I think I want a new drug for PPD/stress. I think this and for the rest of the day Heuy Lewis's song "I Wanna New Drug" plays in my head off and on.

3. Do I have a lot of free time on my hands today or what? No I don't but it sure seems that way with my lack of concentration.

4. Why DO I find Darth Vader so fascinating? Is it the cool shiny black outfit? The light saber in red? Or is it simply the fact that he can strangle someone just by pointing a finger? I choose all of the above and then some.

5. How can I throw all this information about myself and life out there into the great beyond but I would be mortified if my MIL knew I have PPD.

6. Yeah! Blood tests came back normal! Crap! Now what?

7. I am addicted to junk food and I'm not afraid to admit it.

8. I am addicted to junk food but that does not give me the right to eat like a pig and act like a sloth. I have it under control man! Now hand over the Salt & Vinegar Lays and a 12 pack of snickers and you'll live to see tomorrow!

9. Mmmmm.... snickers......tasty gooey goodness.

10. I'm sorry I was thinking about soup.

Self Indulgent Question of the Week

Recently it has come to my attention that a few of my readers think this whole blogging thing might make a decent book. I have thought about this idea but I'm also scared to death of being rejected so I just shy away from the very thought and laugh it off. Gee thanks! But um... eek no! So the question of the week, while a tad self-indulgent, is this:

Would you read a book like this? Would you ACTUALLY buy a book based on this blog and compiled into story form?

Let me know....

Thankful

After that last post I feel the need to list the things that are good or I am thankful for.

1. My breasts are now my fave thing on me. They actually have returned to normal. I'm impressed. Even my hairdresser is in impressed and felt the need to comment on them recently.

2. Avon's Stretch Mark cream seems to actually be working! Those hideous purple streaks are going bye bye!

3. Plus or minus depending on the day but I have 7.5 more pounds to go to get back to pre-baby weight. I guess I have to think of that as a positive.

4. Off the z and I actually do think about sex despite what H might think.

5. I am going to Jamaica!!

News

At least to me. So I've dispelled this myth about Cheney and not going to college. I knew that seemed fishy. So here's the story- he went to Yale (just like his sidekick) but dropped out in 1959. My guess is he didn't get invited to Skull and Bones and left in a hissy. In 1963 he enrolled in Casper Community College in WY and then U of WY in '65. A year later in 1966 he got his MA in Poli Sci from Wyoming. It also states in his bio that he went to U of Wisconsin at Madison but no dates are given nor is any degree listed. My guess is that this is when the first of the many "surgeries" took place transforming him from man into machine. Some of you may think it's crazy but I swear you open that man up and it's like Darth Vader's cousin or something.

Tsk Tsk...

And another one bites the dust. Looks like Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra are splitting up. Rumors that circulated the tabs the last few months have proven once again to be true. After a blissful three years (I suppose) they are amicably splitting (of course they are!). So much for "Til Death Do Us Part" their MTV reality show about their 2003 wedding. Can MTV get the money back that they spent on their nuptials in the divorce proceedings?

Oh No She Didn't!

It seems that T.D.'s personality is really beginning to come through either that or the teething she is going through has made her slightly more devious than normal. Last night I had her in my lap on the couch. We were playing games and it seems Lex, the dog, wanted to play too. Unfortunately T.D. does not have the coordination or strength to pull on Lex's bone and play tug of war. So she just smiled at her furry little friend. To Lex this only encouraged her and she started playfully barking at T.D. Despots hate demands being made on them and T.D. started to cry. Pitifully so and basically just some crocodile tears with an added lip pout thrown in for good measure. H came over and yelled at Lex to stop barking and this was great fun to T.D. She just looked at Lex and started to laugh at her- a deep belly laugh that said- Ha! Ha! You got in trouble! H and I had to hide our laughter behind our hands as Lex just glared at T.D. from beneath the coffee table. I don't think this is the last we see of a situation like this.

On a whole other note I had a man in my office ask me a question yesterday. I had mentioned a few months previous that H and I were thinking of buying a house in the city in a year or so. H has just accepted a job outside the city so I guess this guy was thinking that we would no longer be considering this move. He said, "So I guess with H's new job you won't be moving into the city." I said, "Well not neccesarily. We may still do that. Why?" He seemed to have something weighing on him heavily here. He sighed rather dramatically and his forehead puckered and he says, " Well, you are just too young to die." EXCUSE ME WHAT?! Oh right, the whole state of emergency the city is in because of the recent "crime wave". I just blinked and looked at him and then said, "Actually, they just had a major drug and gun bust in my area (suburbia) last week so I really don't think it makes a difference. Besides I don't go living my life like that- Oh I might die, I might get jacked, etc. Anyways, we might not even live in this country next year, who knows. We're open to all kinds of possibilities." He just looked at me and said, "You are very bold you know, too bold for me." Gee thanks, yeah I couldn't have married someone like you who is afraid of cruise ships (they are steaming germ fests/death traps), won't travel (pickpockets you know!) and stays in the same job, same position for 25 years!! That's just not me. There's a reason I refer to this man as D&G (Doom & Gloom) - now you know.


In other news, I have heard an interesting rumor- our very own Dark lord- a.k.a Dick Cheney might not have graduated from college? Tres interesant. I must research this further.

Product of the Week!

This week I'm showcasing a product that has been around for decades, centuries, eons! It helps stimulate the brain, it's good for the complexion and circulation and overall well-being. It's really like a miracle drug and best of all - it's free!! What is this wonder treatment? How can you get it? Well, you can't find it in any store though you can find some assistance for it in your local drugstore. Ok, I'll tell you...it's sleep. Yup, sleep. Works wonders! Now if I could just get a decent night of it I could knock this Starbucks addiction and probably stop getting the spins from so much caffiene.

Sigh. Even though T.D. sleeps through the night I am still as restless as ever. I really try to get my 8 or so hours in each night which requires me heading to bed at the early hour of 9 p.m. most nights. I know, I know but I get up at 4:30 a.m. most mornings for work. Disgusting isn't it? Still, sleep eludes me. I am awake thinking nonsensical things like, do we need hamster food? When should I stop and get it? Oh wait! We don't own a hamster. Or do we? Will we? Will we ever have to buy one of those rodents for T.D.? Yeah, crap like that runs through my brain. See, I told you nonsensical! Sometimes I dig out a Unisom or Sonata but they both leave me with a bad headache so I have to stop using those. Ick.

Those nights were I do sleep really well are pure heaven. I wake up refreshed and happy. My eyes are brighter and skin is glowier. Is glowier a word. I don't think so. My sleepless brain has just made it up.

The lights just went out in my office so I'm going to use that as an excuse for randomly falling asleep at my desk.

Ahoy Me Matey!

It's a pirates life for me! At least that is how I felt on Saturday when I walked into my local Borders bookstore to settle in for some uninterrupted writing. H has been a darling this past week and is excited almost as much as I am that I've gotten started on a book. He is willing to watch T.D. for blocks of time so I can write. Being that it was about 90% humidity outside on our deck I opted to leave the house and head to Borders.
I should have known it would not be a great place to work when I spied all the staff walking around the store as if it were a ship's galley. The striped head scarfs, tri-corner hats and skull and crossbones were everywhere. The cafe was playing sea shanties or something which were also being piped throughout the store. It was also after noon and the cafe was packed. Annoyed I scout out a less than ideal table and settle in to write. My laptop is open, my notebook and pen beside it for notes. I begin reading what I already have while tuning out the parrot squawking noise and argh's an arf's the employees are shouting. I can't tune it out. I take out my Ipod and crank up the volume. Then, out of the corner of my eye I spot a long, electric red fingernail tapping the second chair at my table. It's a girl who has been circling the cafe looking for a place to work with two other people. I look up at her and her mouth is moving like a fish and since fish don't talk no sound is coming out. Oh right! I have my earphones in. Sorry! I pull them out and she asks for my second chair. I tell her yes and mutter under my breath, "but you better not utter a word at your table." I know bitchy to say the least. Apparently a pirates-theme makes me want to tell everyone to walk the plank. Just as I started to really get going in my writing and getting back into the groove of the book my computer declares it's going into hibernation mode and I have to quickly save my precious work or else! With a deeply annoyed sigh I get up from my tiny table and leave. No sooner have I scooped up my bag from off my chair a woman with a toddler who has been circling like a shark comes cruising in and nabs my table. I am relieved to be out of there and head home to end up writing at my dining room table with my trusty Ipod blocking out any home noises that might shatter my train of thought.

In all I think I logged about two hours of time into the book. We'll see if it makes any sense later. I'm trying to keep it up and follow the same thread and not wander too much. Note taking helps for now.

I'm off to see Pirates of the Carribean today. Go figure.

So What Exactly Are We Dealing With Here?

At some point this week H made a visit to T.D.'s daycare whether it was to pick her up or drop her off I don't remember. While there the caretaker made a comment that T.D. is devious. Really? Our child? How could that be? Oh wait- she's T.D., Overlord of devious behavior at almost five months. This is nothing new to us. What made her say this about our cute little czar? She said- "T.D. will cry and when you turn around to attend to her she immediately stops crying and breaks out into a big smile." Gotcha! Yeah lady she does that to us all the time. Have you heard the coughing thing she does? That's when she acts like she is dying from cough or choking and you run over to her only to have her look up at you with her big smile and laugh. Ha Ha Sucker! I just made you my bitch! That's my kid. You have to love that little despot, wily ways and all.

News and Notes

Someone near my desk must have started smoking. It is all I have smelled all day as I battle a migraine from stress and lack of sleep. I want to eat bad food and take a giant nap. On my list of foods McD's hash browns tops the list- sadly it's after 10 a.m. and as I'm no longer homicidal I can't use the zoloft as an excuse to take hostages in McDonald's and demand hash browns all around!
Work continues to pummel me. The circles under my eyes are now a dark bruised color, my skin has no glow and it's breaking out. Fabulous!! I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! My back hurts and my head is throbbing. I just want to lay in a darkened room and sleep for about 15 hours. I'll wake up refreshed and trot out into some sunshine, promptly sneeze and then go to the pool. Oh wait! I have a job and it's cloudy out again today. Oh well. I guess I'll just have to imagine that while I'm sitting at my desk I'm not hearing some whiney woman's voice on a conference call/speaker phone FOUR cubes over. HELLO! Are you that deaf?! Just pick up the phone and talk no one needs to hear about new buyer procedures. I'm trying to write here.
Last night Lex, our dog was so afraid of the thunder and lightening that she believed was going to incinerate our house to the ground, she proceeded to follow me around, hide under the couch, under T.D.'s swing while she napped and crawl into T.D.'s bouncy seat with her. T.D. would have none of that. Despots do not share their thrones. She did however manage to grace me with her carrot and formula vomit. Yeah, motherhood! I've always wanted that mixture projectile puked onto me after I just put on clean clothes. Fun.
It's almost lunchtime and I will resist the urge to pop down the street and buy a massive bucket of cream soup, stuff myself with bread and bloat and read my new chick lit book, 'The Ivy Chronicles'. Gee, I wonder what made me pick that up? It's a fun read if you like that whole insane parents of NYC thing who will do ANYTHING (nothing short of murder!) to get their pre-school baby into a Baby Ivy school. That and I'm reading Anderson Cooper's new book about his travels during the wake of Katrina and the war.
OOOhhhh- someone just asked me to go to Five Guys. I think I will pass on that one. I like my arteries to be somewhat clean. I don't need them clogged up in one visit.

Til next time...

For today class I want you all to look to the right of your screen and notice the link- Mamarazzi.org. Now click on it! You can go ahead and read the first story about Madonna but the best are the second and third- K-Fed's awesome video and letter from Sean P., and the snark on Tom Cruise. I love anything that refers to him as a douche more than once at a time.

Session Four

Last night I had my fourth therapy session. It went surprisingly fast and pretty well. We did discuss my guilt issues about not having enough time in the day to spend with T.D. and H as well as for myself. It's true as I'm stuck in traffic 2 hours of the day, at work at least 10 and by the time I come home it's the whirlwind of daycare pick up, dinner make up, clean up and talking up the baby and husband. I'm always up! Always on. It's exhausting and I know nothing new to anyone. I hate that this is our life though.
I almost canceled the appt last night too as I had a ton of work to do and seeing as I'm still the only one in my dept not on vacation I'm doing double work. It's nuts! But then I thought- when did I get that lobotomy? Why am I letting company R define my life like this? I plunged further into PPD on coming back here. Why am I getting deeper into it? I need my therapy. So I stuck to my guns and walked out the door on time just making it to my appt. I am so glad I did. I will also be taking a lunch today again. I did yesterday too the first time in about a year. It was really very nice and needed more than I thought. Funny how breaks are a good thing.
I'm thinking of quitting weight watchers. I have 7 lbs left to go to be back to my pre-T.D. weight and really I just need to do weights more and keep up the cardio. I am know what I'm not supposed to eat and the value of what food is now and that's that. I"m cutting back on caffiene and smoking too. I was getting into some sort of addiction fantasy land for a while thinking it was all good and I am invincible but wrinkles early I do not want! Lung cancer is not the way I want to leave this world so I'm quitting. I'm sure most of my friends who were silently disgusted with my falling off the wagon are breathing a healthy sigh of relief. Starbucks stock might go down again for the second time this month now that I'm cutting back.

We are on the path to wellness folks. I stumble along the way but as my therapist said last night- You are making real progress! Go Me!

It's early but you know what they say....

That's right kids- the early bird gets the worm. Taking a cue from my friend Steph and her blog- Where in the World, I've decided to let you all know that I have signed on again to do the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. It's April 2007 in Washington, DC. Unlike the 2005 walk I'll be doing 26 miles total this time instead of the 39.3. I decided I wanted a different perspective on the walk vs the bone tired one I have each year. I think doing 13 and 13 miles over two days might make it even more enjoyable than it already is for me. So if you get the chance - check out my webpage and donate, donate, donate!!! No amount is too big or too small or too early! I will be sending out reminders and doing fundraisers but I would like to raise beyond my $1800 needed amount. So check it out at: Click here to visit my personal page.If the text above does not appear as a clickable link, you can visit the web address:http://info.avonfoundation.org/site/TR?px=1244744&pg=personal&fr_id=1270&s_tafId=146716

Interesting Read

This weekend I read Brooke Shields book- 'Down Came the Rain' all about her journey through Post-Partum depression. For the most part it was a very good read. For me anyways. I found what she went through startlingly similar to my bout with PPD. It takes a while for it to go away and the feelings of disconnect, denial and total despair hit me hard. Reading all about her lack of empathy or connection to her daughter was like going back to how I felt regarding T.D. just weeks ago. It took me so long to admit that the way I was feeling was not really me but the PPD and admitting to it. It also made me think back to some of the things my mother had told me about her issue with PPD. Thirty years ago she dealt with it after she stopped nursing me. It took her a long long time to overcome it without therapy or medication. I'm so glad that modern medecine has come so far. I'm glad that Brooke wrote that book too! Totally makes me despise Tom Cruise more. I know without a doubt that the worst of it came when I went back to work. The change in routine can make it so much more heightened. The days of feeling out of control and profoundly saddened are not all together gone but they are less and less frequent. In early August I will go to a psychiatrist to evaluate whether or not I still need medication and if so what and the dosage. I wonder still if I do. When I have stressful days or I feel suddenly angry I wonder if it's the depression creeping back in or just a bad day. I can't let that get me down or further into that pit I've been trying to crawl out of. Having my friends and family support me has been one of the best things of all. I couldn't have done it without all of you. Thank you.

On another note I also just finished 'Eye Contact' by Cammie McGovern. McGovern the mother of an autistic boy has written a work of fiction surrounding an autistic boy witnessing the murder of a fellow classmate. It's a fascinating look into the mind of the autistic as well as what the families daily lives are like. The twists in the story are also very well done. I could not put it down!

Keep reading and thanks for all your support!

Humph...

How is it that a weekend can be long but short? Relaxing but stressful all at the same time? For weeks I had been planning my off Friday from work. I would get up early but still be sleeping in to some degree- anything past 5 is sleeping in these days! I had an 8 a.m. oil change on my car and then I would head to the gym. I did that- it worked out well. Then I had some errands to run. See a previous post for how I got sucked into the Bermuda Shopping Triangle known as Target. So this is a three day weekend and I only worked two days last week because of the holiday. Those two work days were a blip. But somehow here I am Monday morning feeling as if I never left. Hummpph!
Anyway, I continue with my errands on Friday and instead of going to the pool as I had planned I meet H at work for his Change of Command. It was a nice ceremony honoring his job and the good works he did while in that position. The Colonel did manage a little dig and I so had to clench my fists and literally bite my tongue so that I would not say something nasty back. Seriously this man is just a total ass. I pity his family. But, gracefully we move on and into another chapter of our lives. We decided that since H had the rest of the day off we would see a movie. However it is summer and everything decent was sold out. We end up with Nacho Libre. Yeah, the exciting part of those 2 hours that I will never get back was that we actually ate nachos while watching it. Don't waste your time. After that we followed our junk food fiesta with popcorn and headed home to eat pizza and ice cream for dinner. So much for weight watchers that day! I think I'm done with junk for a while. Ha! I have no idea what became of the rest of that day except that I'm sure T.D. was fed and changed a few times in there somewhere.
Saturday after a decent run where I had a great piece of inspiration and some motivation I went and had my hair did. Much blonde (too blonde) and hair shorter later (ergh!!! I've only spent 5 months growing it out!!) I come home. I got down to work on the deck working on my special project for about 2 hours and then helped H clean. The man is wonderful taking on T.D. for a day and cleaning the house. I was so happy.
Sunday was a family day and stressful due to the silence that comes with each visit from H's certain family members. I have never met people who talk so little yet can sit for so long. My talkative self gets as stressed as a hamster in a ball being chased by a cat. It drains me. Suddenly, it's 8 p.m. and the weekend is officially over really. I'm heading to bed and exhausted and a little grouchy that already I have to go back for another week of work. I loathe working in the summer. I am feeling deprived of a vacation. I yearn to be by the crystal clear pool, reading some trashy novel or magazine while sipping iced tea. Sigh.

I'm done. No more complaining for me.

However I do have one thing to add. After my in-laws left H mentioned that his brother's new girlfriend is very quiet. She doesn't have a "large" personality like say... me. WHAT? I have a large personality? I had no idea. Really. To those of you who know me- tell me- do I have a large personality?

Product of the Week!

This week I'm highlighting an eye make-up remover that I love. It's extremely gentle and it's by Beauty Without Cruelty. This company was established in 1959 and strives to maintain quality, low price products that are not tested on animals in any way. There are no strong odors in the products and they work really well. My eyes are very sensitive and I wear contacts so BWC's Extra Gentle Eye Make-up Remover works great! It retails for $6.95 off the BWC webpage, that's www.beautywithoutcruelty.com as well as www.drugstore.com. I have been a loyal user for 3 years now and have no plans to change.

Baby Did a Bad Bad Thing

What the heck is it about Target that is like some freakish vortex that sucks you in and makes you spend an obscene amount of money? Today, I went into our newly renovated Target (still not as good as the new one a town over) and I went in to buy sheets and a birthday card. Sheets and a birthday card, sheets and a birthday card. That's it. I swear!!! I need to be on a leash when I go in that store or have one of those zapping dog collars. Oop! Get too close to picking up something not needed! ZAP!!! You get the dog collar. Alas that does not exist and I'm sure Target would discourage use of it in their stores if it did exist. So, what happened? I cruise into the store and get a cart. I'm buying sheets and they can be bulky so a hand basket will not do. That my dear reader was my first mistake. Do I go directly to the bedding dept? No, I do not. I can't find it as the store is all different from the renovation. This requires that I wander around which is VERY VERY BAD. Oooh! What do I see? Swimming pants and tiny cute strap on baby sunglasses for T.D. Just like I've always wanted! In they go into the cart. Next up, lingerie. Did you know that Target sold that? I didn't but I do now and it's so cute. So in goes two pairs of panties and a matching bra. Who says I'm not interested in reviving parts of my marriage? Not me! PPD be damned! Target has spoken. In they go into the cart. I do resist the women's clothing section and feel quite proud of myself as I head to the card section. One card, that's what I need. One birthday card for my mother. Yeah right. Resistance is futile. I buy three cards. One for my mother, one for her from T.D. and one for a friends imminent birthday. Finally, in the distance I see the Target red bedding dept sign. I make haste there trying not to get distracted by housewares. It's a hard won battle but I survive and come to an endcap in bedding showing 600 thread count sheets on sale. SALE? Wheee!!!!! I love a sale! Six hundred thread count sateen sheets are divine. I quickly scoop up a fitted, flat and two packs of pillowcases. I make an icky face at the 300 thread count sateen and I'm on my way to the register. When all is totaled up and the teenage clerk has just mangled my new undies sufficiently enough I gulp and think- Curses! How could I let this happen again. I place an emergency call to my sponsor but sadly she does not answer. She really is rather my shopping partner in crime but I know she'll understand and talk me down.

You Wanna Know What?!?

Potato Butt!!! I know it's supposed to be chicken butt however, there is a story to this potato butt thing. Last night H and I had finished dinner and I in a nice show of playful affection decided to sit on his lap and take some of the marinade from dinner and... (no this is not going to get all icky on you) and I wiped it on his nose. Not one to be outdone he quickly grabbed a roasted potato and shoved it down the back of my pants and mashed it. Lovely. Pieces of roasted potato clung to my pants and skin getting mixed up with my underwear. I screamed and threw some of the potato at him and immediately took off my pants, not caring if the neighbors saw my behind. The grossest part of it all and having potato in your butt is pretty damn gross is that Lexie thought it was great! There was now food all over the floor and she could eat it up and no one would notice her. Gross!! Aah, another evening in the Evil's house. It was actually kind of nice because it was how we used to be pre-PPD. Who knew that getting potato in your panties could give one such hope.

And now a little funny

K-Fed knows what Brit likes! Kevin Federline is no fool, when the air is thick with "kick him to the curb" advice and rumors he comes home smiling with a fresh load of Wonder Bread and Doritos.

Where to Begin

I might actually have to sit a minute and organize my thoughts here. First, off would be when I picked up T.D. at daycare and I was told "she was a tornado, tsunami and hurricane today!" She was cranky in other words. She's begun to teethe I think and it comes with the drooling. The drooling that I find so disgusting. I'm her Mom and I sometimes wonder shouldn't this stuff not bother me- it's just saliva? But ick! Thick strings of it? GROSS! She's like a freakin' sponge when I pick her up. Nasty!
Then I proceed to go home and have a dreary evening at home. It was gray and rainy AGAIN! Why? I'm so sick of the rain! What transpired in our house though last night did not make it any better. Suffice to say I'm still suffering from the dreaded PPD and now not on the meds and I'm working through it. In fact, I thought I was doing rather well until last night. That was when H decided to tell me that I'm obviously trying to hard to "appear" normal and I'm still not myself and he has no idea what to do. I just started sobbing. Yeah, this gets really personal so if you don't want to know anymore just take that cursor and click onto Peoplemagazine.com or something. I don't feel like I'm trying to hard to "appear" normal. I feel that I'm making a concerted effort to get well. To focus on the positives, excercise more, sleep better and really make the effort to socialize and be myself again. There are also a lot of factors at play that stress us out as a couple right now- a new career for H, the baby, and our roles changing. I explained this to him and that mother's guilt comes into play a lot but also that I feel I have a bunch of new roles. How I lived my life and did things is different now. I'm now shaped by this huge event that having a child is. That right there throws me. I didn't think it would be that life altering- in my head altering. I feel guilt at work that I'm not there. I feel guilt at the gym that I'm not with her. I feel guilt each off Friday that I put her in daycare. I have to appear that I am not changed at work and I'm still on top of my game no matter how tired or stressed I am from home stuff. I don't talk of her often at work so that I won't be Mommy Tracked so to speak. Every week is a balancing act with work and picking her up on time. Stay late and not able to pick her up, or leave on time or early and have the people I work with respect me less and lose out on promotions, money and projects. I am pulled many ways. Then, I feel different as a wife because I want to devote equal time to H, but T.D. requires lots of attention. If I ignore her for him I feel the guilt that I'm not with her all day so I need to be with her at night. I feel different as an individual too; pulled between taking care of me and her. Then there is the whole body issue. H says I have a very bad body image. He's right. I do. Most women do sadly. I'm trying to not say negative things or think that way, but it's really hard when my body not only doesn't look the same, requires a whole lot more work to look sort of the same as before T.D., but also doesn't function the same way. Having a baby messes with you internally. Not to mention the physical and mental and emotional exhaustion even without the PPD. I actually felt I was doing ok until last night.

I'm not blaming H. He asked what he could do and while I honestly can't tell him, it's hard to explain- you are a man. YES! This is a total man vs. woman issue. In this we are different. You do not experience the same set of emotions or the guilt. Your body did not change. Your life includes more responsibility but you don't have nightmares about T.D.'s impending doom. Or questioning your mortality now that someone depends on you. I used to think- If it's my time to go, so be it. Now, I think differently.

Another issue that also came up was the recent demise of several relationships for friends of mine. H thinks that it has thrown me too much. I'll admit for a few days I was. I was freaked that it would happen with us. But I'm over it and just saddened and wanting to help my friends. I also dwell on the fact that some of my friends (it seems everyone!) is going through some sort of personal crises these days whether it's with their significant other or themselves. No one is having a good time and I'm probably internalizing it all a bit too much. Depressed people tend to do that. I've also noticed that some of my friends are no longer they way they used to be. They too seem depressed and I don't know how to help them. Or even how to talk to them about it. It's as if the life and light has gone out of them.

This brings me to the question of the week: As a mother have you found that not only has your relationship with yourself and spouse changed but your attitude to life in general? Are you a mother who needs complete control? Are you finding yourself unhappy with the situation you are in? Is this another epidemic of living in the modern I can do it all world?

To those of you who don't have or want kids- sorry. Don't read today's post because it's all about the T.D.'s and their post arrival effects. They are so like little storms- crashing into our lives and causing us to rebuild our lives which can never be the same. New Orleans will never be the same after Katrina and I'll never be the same after T.D.

Thanks for making my day Tara!

Seriously do I really need to say anymore? I was upset about my butt after the baby and before the baby but this makes me feel loads better!

Say It Ain't So

It's Wednesday, after the 4th. It feels like a Monday. No, I don't have a "case of the Mondays". I do however, have a lovely sty in my right eye, my throat hurts from smoking (Bad Bad Bad Me) and I went to bed too late for the ungodly time I have to wake up. Oy! Somehow, after two cycles of dishes there are still more in my sink. I think they are cloning each other.
So last night while out on my deck with my friend and neighbor smoking and chatting the other neighbors came out to watch the backyard fireworks going on. Yeah, the poop neighbors. Before I go any further, I'm happy to report that I think this fued has ended. Seems their dog walker is partly to blame for the mess and we caught her in the act. That and a notice went out from the HOA this weekend to everyone with the number and consequences on it if this keeps happening. We're poop free for another week! WHOO HOO!!! On to a more disturbing subject involving them though. My friend decides to say hi and chat them up. Come to find out- they are liberals. Sigh... I'm not going to get all political here but this does mean I have something in common with them. Damn! I know that is so immature of me but I was really hoping I would have NOTHING in common with them. The fact that the girl was wearing a t-shirt saying, 'Somewhere in Texas a village is missing it's idiot" delights me. It goes with the onesie I keep meaning to buy for T.D. stating, 'I'm smarter than the President.' They had also spent part of their holiday weekend seeing 'An Inconveient Truth', you know Al Gore's witty, intelligent documentary that is supposedly not boring even though he's the star. They loved it and the talking continued. Now I'm tempted to talk to them. They seem nice enough. Hmmph. I suppose I have to grow up sometime.
We continue to try to get T.D. in the pool this weekend. She just simply does not care one way or another. No reaction again. I guess like any good dicatator she does not need to show emotions in front of her subjects.

Happy 4th of July! Sparklers and All!

It's the 4th of July. How this happened I have no idea. It seems like only moments ago it was March yet at the same time my May birthday feels like eons ago. I love this day. To me it's not complete without sparklers and hearing the snap, pop and boom of a fireworks display. Sadly, I rarely have the luck of seeing such a thing. Crowds always kept my parents away from arguably some the best fireworks in the country each year that were practically in our backyard. I had to be content to listen to them off in the distance. I think that's why today I go so nuts for them. The few times we did go fog usually rolled in off our beaches obscuring the light show so that again only the distant booms could be heard.
T.D. is decked out in red, white and blue today in honor of her home baseball team. I'm sure when I take her to the grocery store later I'll get- oh how old is HE? A lot. Oddly enough yesterday she was in all yellow and people knew she was a girl. I will never get this. We're hoping to head to the pool with some friends and we'll see if the despot decides to show any kind of reaction to the water. This past weekend there was nothing. Camera ready and set in her pink and yes, ruffly bathing suit she didn't even bat an eye as we plunged her in. Feet first, nothing. Up to her waist not even a smile or cry. So much for that photo op.
While you are out and about today celebrating our country's birth and patriotism think of those who are not home with their families to enjoy this day. Reflect on what and who built this great land. It despite it's traffic, gross obesity and worship of sugar and fat is not a bad place to live. You can get anything you want whenever you want. You can, within reason, go and do what you want whenever as well. No one will question you unless you have taken a hostage or something. So fire up the grill, eat your soy dog or your nitrate filled one, have a cold one- soda or beer and sit back and enjoy your friends and family. And if you have the inkling to do so - see some fireworks they make you feel five again and like you have the whole world in front of you.

Product of the Week!

This is by far one of my favorite products to use. I've been using it for 5 years now and while I have tried other alternatives I always go back to this one. Drumroll please.... Murad Self Tanner with you guessed it spf 15. What else would a freckly white girl need? Since I am so white and I hate the thought of skin cancer like everyone else I have been on a quest for the last few years searching for the "perfect" self tanner. Each year magazines bring forth their selections and evaluate them and usually it's the same top 3. Somehow Murad isn't usually one of them but for me, it's the best. It really is streak free! I find that two applications over two days gives me a nice golden color. I used it for my wedding and have continued since then. I've tried others- L'oreal lotion and spray, Jergens Daily Glow, Sublime Glow and Neutrogena. None are as good. Murad has less smell too and doesn't streak, stain or dry up quick so you have time to really rub it in. The price at Sephora is $30 and I think that's the same as everywhere else. So while I sometimes backslide into a cheaper version I always regret it and go back to Murad. Try it- you just might love it!