Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Five Down, Three to Go!

Last night I had another therapy session. I was supposed to think of something that we hadn't already discussed. I have spent the last two weeks trying to think of something and I did. But, I didn't particularly want to talk about it. So it was nice when my therapist prefaced our meeting with, "If you haven't thought of anything new, that's ok." Whew! Good. Except that I felt the need to bring it up anyway. I'm not going into it as it's just too personal really and requires way too much explanation. It's just an issue I've never discussed with ANYONE. Ha, too personal, and I parade my everyday life and PPD issues out here like nothing. Suffice to say we talked and it helped. Enough said.
I did get into the guilt issue again which made me cry. That's normal she said. Wow- good thing insurance is paying because I already knew that. The guilt just sucks. It drains me sometimes too. We left it with next sessions topic being "How to deal with jerks who tell you that you don't love your child if they are in daycare." Heh heh. That is a WHOLE other issue.

Speaking of that some of you had some great comments. I whole heartedly agree with you Siobhan. We parade breasts on tv, in movies and music yet the idea of a woman actually nourishing her child is offensive. It's ridiculous, silly, and hypocritical. The purpose of our breasts? It's not to be fun bags for the opposite sex. We all know this yet Siobhan is right, 57% of the population finds it "disgusting" to see a woman breast feed in public. I'm ok either way with breastfeeding. If you do it and like it - great. If you can't or don't want to, that's fine too.

I wanted to and did for only 3 weeks. T.D. was incredibly colicky and I found the whole process to aid in my depression. The opposite of what it's supposed to do I know, but it's true. The sheer fact that I alone had to feed around the clock, pump, and just sit there all the time made me go into a deep dark shell I would rather not revisit. I liked that I was doing something good for T.D. but it was overwhelmed by the strong rooted feeling that the depression brought. When I decided to put T.D. on formula I felt guilty until I realized how much more content she was and how my mood lifted. The cloud of PPD did not go away but it did lift a bit. I know in the end that I made the right decision for us. Everyone needs to do what is right for them and their family. You are right Siobhan the point of the women's movement was/is supposed to be so that whatever decisions we as women make for ourselves and our families is the right one. It's not work out of the home or stay at home absolutely. It burns me up that we don't support each other better. If there is one thing that having T.D. has done for me is that I respect the decisions we make as individual parents more and more. If you want to stay home and you can- go for it! Work part-time? Great. Work full time and you can handle it. Or you MUST handle it- then that's fine too. Just stop beating up the woman in the cube near you or down the block for her choice. As Charlotte of Sex and the City once said, "My choice is my choice! I choose my choice!" If you are fine with it then so am I.

I know I'm all over the place today. I just feel so strongly about the guilt that all these issues put on women. And women put on women over their choices. It's senseless.

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