Thursday, July 06, 2006

Where to Begin

I might actually have to sit a minute and organize my thoughts here. First, off would be when I picked up T.D. at daycare and I was told "she was a tornado, tsunami and hurricane today!" She was cranky in other words. She's begun to teethe I think and it comes with the drooling. The drooling that I find so disgusting. I'm her Mom and I sometimes wonder shouldn't this stuff not bother me- it's just saliva? But ick! Thick strings of it? GROSS! She's like a freakin' sponge when I pick her up. Nasty!
Then I proceed to go home and have a dreary evening at home. It was gray and rainy AGAIN! Why? I'm so sick of the rain! What transpired in our house though last night did not make it any better. Suffice to say I'm still suffering from the dreaded PPD and now not on the meds and I'm working through it. In fact, I thought I was doing rather well until last night. That was when H decided to tell me that I'm obviously trying to hard to "appear" normal and I'm still not myself and he has no idea what to do. I just started sobbing. Yeah, this gets really personal so if you don't want to know anymore just take that cursor and click onto or something. I don't feel like I'm trying to hard to "appear" normal. I feel that I'm making a concerted effort to get well. To focus on the positives, excercise more, sleep better and really make the effort to socialize and be myself again. There are also a lot of factors at play that stress us out as a couple right now- a new career for H, the baby, and our roles changing. I explained this to him and that mother's guilt comes into play a lot but also that I feel I have a bunch of new roles. How I lived my life and did things is different now. I'm now shaped by this huge event that having a child is. That right there throws me. I didn't think it would be that life altering- in my head altering. I feel guilt at work that I'm not there. I feel guilt at the gym that I'm not with her. I feel guilt each off Friday that I put her in daycare. I have to appear that I am not changed at work and I'm still on top of my game no matter how tired or stressed I am from home stuff. I don't talk of her often at work so that I won't be Mommy Tracked so to speak. Every week is a balancing act with work and picking her up on time. Stay late and not able to pick her up, or leave on time or early and have the people I work with respect me less and lose out on promotions, money and projects. I am pulled many ways. Then, I feel different as a wife because I want to devote equal time to H, but T.D. requires lots of attention. If I ignore her for him I feel the guilt that I'm not with her all day so I need to be with her at night. I feel different as an individual too; pulled between taking care of me and her. Then there is the whole body issue. H says I have a very bad body image. He's right. I do. Most women do sadly. I'm trying to not say negative things or think that way, but it's really hard when my body not only doesn't look the same, requires a whole lot more work to look sort of the same as before T.D., but also doesn't function the same way. Having a baby messes with you internally. Not to mention the physical and mental and emotional exhaustion even without the PPD. I actually felt I was doing ok until last night.

I'm not blaming H. He asked what he could do and while I honestly can't tell him, it's hard to explain- you are a man. YES! This is a total man vs. woman issue. In this we are different. You do not experience the same set of emotions or the guilt. Your body did not change. Your life includes more responsibility but you don't have nightmares about T.D.'s impending doom. Or questioning your mortality now that someone depends on you. I used to think- If it's my time to go, so be it. Now, I think differently.

Another issue that also came up was the recent demise of several relationships for friends of mine. H thinks that it has thrown me too much. I'll admit for a few days I was. I was freaked that it would happen with us. But I'm over it and just saddened and wanting to help my friends. I also dwell on the fact that some of my friends (it seems everyone!) is going through some sort of personal crises these days whether it's with their significant other or themselves. No one is having a good time and I'm probably internalizing it all a bit too much. Depressed people tend to do that. I've also noticed that some of my friends are no longer they way they used to be. They too seem depressed and I don't know how to help them. Or even how to talk to them about it. It's as if the life and light has gone out of them.

This brings me to the question of the week: As a mother have you found that not only has your relationship with yourself and spouse changed but your attitude to life in general? Are you a mother who needs complete control? Are you finding yourself unhappy with the situation you are in? Is this another epidemic of living in the modern I can do it all world?

To those of you who don't have or want kids- sorry. Don't read today's post because it's all about the T.D.'s and their post arrival effects. They are so like little storms- crashing into our lives and causing us to rebuild our lives which can never be the same. New Orleans will never be the same after Katrina and I'll never be the same after T.D.

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