Monday, December 31, 2007

Breaking Curfew and Seeing R-rated Films

There are claymation penguins eating cake with seals in party hats. The main topic of conversation/argument in the house is the ever changing temperature reading off the side of my parents house.

My Father: Ooh! It's 38! Look at the sky!

My Mother: 38?! (utter disbelief that it could be 38 degrees rings in her voice) Why that is ten degrees colder than yesterday!

My parents are fascinated by weather. My father's dream is to have some sort of Wizard of Oz like capability or machine on the premises that would tell him the weather every five minutes or so down to the last centigrade, jet stream and barometric pressure. If my father had to live in a climate like sunny So Cal where seasons are hard to differentiate he wouldn't know what to do with himself. He is the Oz of weather. He and my mother confer on the temperature every half hour or so as if the each degree change is a prophecy of some sort. The amount of birds by the bird feeder by the hour are also a constant source of discussion.

Despite being in my 30's, being married, having a mortgage, dog and kid I come home to my parents house and feel like a teen again. My mother feeds me, I do the same chores I did as a kid, and my father controls the remote to the television. For the most part I don't really mind it. It's oddly comforting yet strangling at the same time. See just like being 15 again!

At some point last night after a rousing viewing of Antiques Roadshow Savannah embellished with carrot cake I found myself engrossed in a PBS special about the life of a lobsters. To be fair it was actually, 'The Realm of the Lobster'. Sounds more enticing, no? It was at this moment that I felt like I was about nine years old again and I should be sitting on the floor of the living room watching TV. My myopic self would sit incredibly close to the set and watch hours of National Geographic and public television specials with my parents. It's no wonder I turned out the way I did when a good night at home was watching a three foot long lobsta duke it out with another lobsta of lesser size and claw width. I could have sat there entranced all night as baby lobstas were hatched into the wild into the Bay of Fundy and tried to survive, but H nudged me that it was time to get a move on if we were going to take advantage of free baby-sitting and head to the movies.

As H and I headed out in the sleeting rain (a 9:30 show! We are giddy like teenagers about to miss curfew) my father yelled out the front door that the current temp was 32. My Mom warned us to watch out for deer and to remember to use our high beams. Thanks Mom!

It's good to be home. If nothing else being made to feel like a teenager again by your parents does indeed make you feel like, well, a teenager again. This time though I feel like H is the cool boyfriend I always wanted in high school but never had. He has a better car too.


I've been somewhat productive while here as proof in this.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Overheards

SCENE: My house. Getting ready for bed last night.

Me: Why didn't you tell me I had orange stuff all on the side of my face? What is that?!

H: Oh. I thought it was for your zit.

Me: Nice. NO!

H: Well, that thing is scary. It was talking to me during dinner saying, (using a voice as if the zit has possessed him) "H! ME HUNGRY! GIVE ME CHOCOLATE! HOT CHA CHA. ME WANT HOT CHA CHA!"

Me: That is so mean! As if I don't feel bad enough with T.D. touching it today saying, "OW! boo-boo Momma! Ow!!!" with my bad hair that desperately needs a haircut, my Santa bowlful of jelly belly right now and now this zit. Which isn't that bad!! You are so mean. Do I say mean things to you about your gray hair? No! I don't point out things like that on you. (I scoot to the other side of the bed and turn my back to him.)

H: Awww honey... I didn't mean it. (A bit of silence) You know this gets me thinking, now I know what I'm going to get you for your birthday.

Me: (Silence, deep controlled breathing.) I swear it better be a weekend away and you are not about to make some joke about a zit-zapper.


Twelve hours later....

Changing T.D.'s a.m. diaper.

T.D.- Oooh! Momma! BOO-Boo! Boo-boo Momma, boo-boo! Ooohhh!


I'm going back to bed. If anyone needs me I'm the one with a bag over my head.


COUPONS and NEW REVIEWS here. Kids shoes, green car washing products and more!

Also a BIG THANK YOU to whoever nominated me for The Best Mom Blogs EVER! Thanks so much! What an honor!!


NEW NEWS! I'm going to BlogHer 08! Who is coming with me?!

Thursday, December 27, 2007

I Feel Like I'm Beating a Dead Horse

It's over. Or is it? We still have New Year's and a trip up to grandparent country to get through. I'm sure it will be a blast but it also means the holidays just keep coming! So let's just keep eatin' and drinkin' and feeling like our pores are oozing icing and crisco. Oh and in case you are wondering this is what went down in Mummy's house this past week.

One Wii has entered our home. Oh the irony. Now I get to hear H say things like-

Eat. My. Butt.

and other witty asides such as, I'm Killing Myself, while he plays tanks and rides cows or something. Anyone else obessesd with mowing down scarecrows?

A lovely silver necklace adorns my neck.

I have eaten annisette cookies, frothy hot cha cha (a T.D. delight), more ham than anyone should be allowed to eat in a year, a sodium intake that would make Newsweek write yet another article this time it would be on a strange species of female that can subsist on just the sodium she sucks from the Christmas ham, some greenery might have gotten in there by accident and way more bready products than I wish to remember. Oh my chafing thighs!

Listened intently to my father describe his experiences trying to outsmart the other drones trying to get their greedy little hands on the famed Wii. "Up at five a.m., hittin' every website I could think of each day for over two weeks!" It beats walking uphill in a snowstorm to school every day bare foot though right?

Hours spent picking up mountains of debris that heartbreakingly accumulate during the holiday season, about 250.

One gingerbread house constructed with cement/royal icing, hardened gum drops that if eaten require a jaw wiring and possibly $6000 worth of dental.

Time spent blogging- 1 hour

Time spent with family- 86 million.

Time spent thinking about blogging- 27 million.

Telling my MIL her Christmas socks looked like the Wicked Witch of the West's was priceless. Too bad I actually like her or that would have been a good blog post.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Too Much Roast Beast

Lettuce.

I need lettuce.

Any greens will do.

Plain please. No dressing needed.

Some water?

Too

Much

Good

Food

I am done.

I don't want salt. I don't want sugar.

I just want crisp greens with water. On the side.


Is anyone else feeling this way after a deluge of Christmas feasting?

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Wii Crazy

While ellipticizing my butt and thighs at the gym the other day I was again astounded by the Wii craze. There it was on the news, lines of sheep (ahem)people lined up for the Wii. Yes, the Wii is BIG FUN. I personally would love to own one. But do I want to sit outside in the freezing cold outside a big box store for over 24hours to obtain one? That would be a no. I prefer to wait. Which means I'll probably never buy one.

It hit me then that those lines are such a distraction. People get so wrapped up in the media-induced frenzy of Black Friday and getting 'the gift' of the season for kids and adults EVERY YEAR that the message of the season really does get lost. How can you think of goodwill towards men when you are jockeying in line for hours on end while catching your death? What comes of it? Nothing. You play with the new toy for a while, then next year like everyone else in the rat race, you find yourself in line again. There you are waiting for a golden ticket to hopefully get you inside the warm store and purchase that ultimate gift. Why?

Then, I saw this video and it cemented all my feelings of our holiday consumption and our every day consumption. I am guilty of getting lost in the "what did you get me?!" too. I admit it. I love getting gifts and I want them to be the most thoughtful gift ever, each time. I shop 'til I drop for presents too. I shop for no reason. I can be a greedy little whore of a consumer. I've been in DA (Debtors Anonymous) and it nearly ruined my life and marriage at one point. When Oprah had her show on shopaholics I answered yes to 9 out of 10 questions. Instead of putting down the bottle I had to put down the cards. Every one has their vice and mine was shopping. I realize now the error of my ways. I saw first hand how it can destroy relationships just like any other addiction.

Here is the thing. This country? Is addicted to consuming. We jump like lemmings over a cliff to get a new product. We are in fact consumed. I'm not trying to rain on your holiday parade or anything. I'm just trying to make a point. We only keep 1% of what we buy. 1 freakn' tiny percent. Stuff is made to be useless. We complain about the quality of products not being what they should, but hm... are they not designed for us to discard them right quick? Is that what is happening? So while it might be late in the game this year it isn't for 2008. My resolution for the new year is not just going to be fighting the urge to smoke but also to just consume less. To buy less. Save more. Anyone else want to join me? Anyone else want to get off the roller coaster of consuming just for the sake of consuming?

I've been SBUX sober for over two months now and while the shakes and urges can be pretty damn strong it's just one less thing I'm consuming.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Grateful

I've been nursing some weird eye allergy all week along with a wonderfully red and puffy left eye sty. Fun times indeed. I've been shuffling around the house swollen eyed as T.D. says repeatedly, "Mummy Boo Boo...Oooh" over and over and over again. Then I eat fudge. With Marshmallows.

I steal my kids eczema ointment to rub on my eyes and pop another allergy pill. My skin is so dry from the 24/7 allergy pills that my skin feels like it's cracking. So I furtively use some more eczema lotion and wait for relief. Then I eat a chocolate reindeer, antlers first.

I finished working on Wednesday. I've been slowly gearing up for the holidays which also means skipping the gym and general procrastination in cleaning the house and running last minute errands. If you haven't gotten dressed up for New Years in eons can you really just flit into H&M and find 'the perfect volcanic ensemble'? Then I eat a ball of toffee popcorn and feel my thighs expand. Does H&M carry muu-muus?

I watch the dog ambush T.D. and in slow-motion granola rains down in the living room covering the once clean floor and coffee table. I'll be cleaning that shortly. As soon as I've finished my cleaning procrastination and eating some sort of bready product that has dried fruit in it.

I leave you with this today because it is the holiday season and no matter what we need be grateful. There is always something to be grateful for no matter how small.

1. I am grateful for holiday movies that are played on endless loops that make me feel like a kid again and realize how truly exciting it is to share all this with my child. Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas is still the best.

2. I am grateful for the friends I have who want to wish us well in the new year. The cards, gift baskets and visits are all wonderful, but I am truly grateful for their friendship that has lasted throughout the years and sometimes miles.

3. For my health. Yes my eyes are the color of a fire truck and swollen shut when I wake up and I want to claw them out all day, but I am healthy. Even after the suspect mole and all its drama I am now healthy. It makes me weep a bit just reliving all that in my mind. I AM HEALTHY! Woo HOO!

4. Another year of my parenting and T.D. has still stayed under the Po-Po's radar. She is a charmingly sweet little girl who is curious, lively and cute beyond words. People want to bite her cheeks she's that cute. I am grateful that H & I are blessed with such a wonderful and healthy child.

5. H. What more can I say? The man lives with me day in, day out and hasn't gone runnin' for the hills nor have we made movies like Crazy Love yet. He deserves a medal for all the weird humor, bad films, inane and hyper talk of blogs, blogging, and blog celebrities. He even likes Chad.

6. Grandparents. Grandparents. Grandparents. The fact that H & I frequently get time alone has been a life saver for us. We love our kid and all but we are a couple that needs our alone time and grandparents have at some point helped us save this marriage.

7. A roof over my head. I may sometimes feel like the house is closing in on me but it's ours and we can do what we like with it and it keeps us warm and safe.

8. A car that runs. And I like it!

9. Money for food and BONUS! good health care. That should be counted as a downright miracle these days.

10. I am grateful for it all. It can be gone in a second and as a wise man once said, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." — Ferris Bueller. Well said.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Green Your Routine

I am very pleased to announce the incredible news that Dana Hackley is the winner of Ziddio's Green Your Routine video contest.

Who is Dana Hackley and why should you care? Dana was one of my college roommates, we shared a bunk in an insanely tiny room together in our sorority house and we didn't kill each other in the night. That is an amazing feat if you were to see the size of the room. I think prisoners have bigger cells. We've been in each others weddings and lives for over ten years now (ugh I feel old) and had our first babes within a year of each other. Dana is a busy woman. She writes, she teaches and she creates Academy Award winning videos. That's right. My old roomie has one the Global Green Academy Award. I'm so (sniff) proud.

Here it is- Not So Disposable, by Dana Hackley




For more information and an interview with Dana please visit Moms Speak Up.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

To the Woman with the Fang Toothed Foul Mouthed Dog Behind Me

Hey Lady,

What's your problem? Are you always so grumpy and mean in the morning? Does the smell of parvo vaccines and Alpo make you antagonistic at that time of day? I really tried to be nice as I stood in line in front of you yesterday at the vets office. Were you mad because I got there first? I'm sorry that two months ago I scheduled an appointment before you. I really wanted to like you too because you seemed like such a sweet little old woman. Even when your under bite ridden fang toothed lap dog started growling and sneering what was surely a string of doggy obscenities at me and I tried not to laugh at his Jennifer Beale's Flashdance styled complete with the rolled up sleeves sweatshirt. Really, I tried.

Except for this. This one thing. When I politely moved away to the farthest wall with my dog and child to wait for my bill (Talk about upsetting, I think I just gave some vet's child a very nice Christmas!) to be processed and you said, "I can't wait for you and your kid to leave." I had a hard time cracking a smile. Especially when my child was quiet as a mouse and standing behind me, her back to you and fang-boy, and looking out a window. You pressed on with, "It's not your dog my sweetie is growling at, but your kid. It's almost embarrassing." ALMOST? Lady, it is embarrassing.

Still, I chuckled. Ever the polite, well-mannered Mummy I tried to laugh it off with, "Oh well, children are unpredictable with their sudden moves and excitement. I can understand that." You didn't budge you kept on making comments. You told each vet tech and passerby in the ten minute span that my kid was making Snappy Face-McUgly Dog over there on your lap just soooo upset. I'm sorry for your lack of grace and manners. I'm sorry that I then labeled you a dried up old crone in my head. I'm sorry I snickered in an unmannerly fashion when you inquired about allergy testing and special foods for that yippy thing you call a pet.

It's almost embarrassing, but I have a hard time with rude people. Now if you'll excuse me, my sweet dog that the vet techs are fawning over with my even sweeter child have to quietly leave now. I will now smile politely to you and wish you and your shivering growling mess of an animal a good day and a happy holiday season. That's just the type of lady that I am.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

My TV Watching Days are Numbered

It is painfully obvious that the writer's strike needs to come to a resolution. Like um. Now. No baking to be done. No more presents to wrap I had just settled in for a long winter's... night of TV viewing alone. Yeah! I can watch anything I want. No one will care if I watch crap TV.

Except there isn't anything on! I began to panic as I scrolled through the guide of my possible choices. Lots of Home Shopping to watch, which shows how unscripted they are despite how fake and set everything else seems on those half hour bonanzas of rose gold and diamondnique must haves.

Then I found it. A full block (we're talking four back to back episodes here people) of the Sugarbakers a.k.a. the best of the shoulder pads and big hair Designing Women on TVLand. That's right. I said it. Suzanne, Julia, Charlene, Mary Jo, Anthony, and Bernice. Love me some of that Bernice. She's such a card! When H found me painting my nails bright 80s red while cracking up over some acid tongue thing Julia was saying to the common man I knew it was time to pack it in and call it a night.



The writer's strike needs to end soon! I have friends out of work. Also I've already DVR'd and might end up actually watching Running Scared on Friday night purely for the kick ass soundtrack. YOU MUST WATCH this superb piece of vintage Michael McDonald video pleasure. Just watch it. Go on. You know you want to. Oh yeah and the completely believable premise that Billy Crystal is a cop. And why don't men wear tiny half-shirted football jersey's anymore? It's so.. manly. Those were the days when music videos were gold if they only had actual Hollywood stars in them lip syncing the words and dancing. Video Gold baby!



Oh yeah. Then there's this. If you are a Hills fan you will totally understand. Even if you are not, this is what it is coming to. PLEASE GET OUR WRITERS BACK!!!




Before I go, I have to alert you to a great contest that PickPackGo is having RIGHT NOW. They have just introduced a monthly giveaway contest for travel items that we can't live without. You can sign up every month to win (I did and it took 2 seconds), just for visiting our site. Given this holiday season, I thought you my darling readers, might be interested in a shot at getting a portable DVD player. To enter the free contest click here.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Sally Struthers might help me plead my case


There are millions of them. They troll the internet daily setting up witty posts, funny asides, informative and sometimes cringeworthy moments. They are everywhere. They shop and eat among you and you might not even know it. Your kids go to school with their kids. Who are they?

They are bloggers. They are all around you and they are just like me.

Months ago you might recall that I set up a cute little widget on the right side of this blog saying, 'Vote for Vicky', if you voted thank you! THANK YOU SO MUCH! Picture me throwing you air kisses and weeping copiously for even remembering to do so. You have a special place in this little bloggers heart. Your votes have kept me in the Top 25 through the year which is pretty amazing. However, now is the time when the votes really count. The polls will be a shuttin' down in a mere two weeks time. While the pot hasn't grown to the 80 G's that the contest creators and me!(shippymacflippyshadippy that would have been nice!) it is a little bit of money and who couldn't use that?! So VOTE. Vote for me to be a paid blogger for a year. Vote EVERY DAY until the polls close January 1. Ask, beg, and order your friends and family to vote for me too.

I need all the help I can get. I thank you in advance. I can't win if I'm not number one. We all know the power of the internet so let's get to it shall we?

As of today I'm 24 out of 259. Won't you help make this Christmas dream come true for one little blogger? (please picture me shivering out in the cold like a tiny bunny.. now) If not, I might get Sally Struthers out here to help me plead my case. If that happens then I'll just put her on constant rotation through the new year and it's all you get. Just. Sally. Struthers. All. the. time. No other content. Don't make me go there.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Suburban Turmoil: Bad Santa 2007

Suburban Turmoil: Bad Santa 2007

Sleep...Mm... Divine

It's amazing what a fantastic date night and a good night's sleep can do. Yesterday I was fully on my way to a ride on the JC (think Mommie Dearest) train but after a fun girls lunch with my MIL and a bit of work in the afternoon I was on my way to feeling less edgy.

Add in a great date night of yummy Thai food where the restaurant was full of candlelight and twinkly lights and my mood was fixed. I didn't even imbibe anything harsher than water and some soda. Amazing. By the time H and I hit the movie theatre I was in full pre-baby date giddiness. I knew we needed time together but I didn't know it was that bad. Thank God for family! I didn't even care that the film, No Country for Old Men, was so adrenaline pumping and full of tension which I had totally nixed originally. I just wanted light and laughter. Yet, that tension and suspense was so good I didn't care.

Then... it happened. A night of blissful sleep. No snoring dog woke me up with her old man like hacking and snorting. No tiny dictator teething away in her toddler bed beckoned me. I just slept. I slept until I woke up. And not the first time I woke up either. It wasn't the 10:30 of my youth wake up, more like 7:15, but it was heaven. Today I'm a woman renewed. The sunshine vs. gloom is a nice added touch. Sleep apparently cures a case of the Mean Mommies.

Hit Mummy's Product Reviews for some fabulous new reviews- Gorgeous clothing and some pretty fun stuff. Enjoy!

Wait! Don't go! Relieve some of the holiday stress by reading this post. I laughed until I cried. Then perused it again. Thanks Lindsay you rock!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

A Musical Genius

T.D. is a musical genius! Today while driving in the car and listening to the radio the radio station asked this trivia question-

Ike Turner could not attend his induction into the Music Hall of Fame. Why? Where was he?

T.D. yelled out from the backseat- JAIL!

What can I say the kid is good.

Remove the Breakables Mommy's Feeling Joan Crawfordesque

What is it about those days when you have an early morning appointment that suddenly turns rational, normally sane people into total nut jobs? I schedule these appointments to a.) get them out of the way and b.) there is less wait and chaos in the doctor's office at that time of the morning. But it doesn't matter. I still no matter what time I get up, how much I plan and pack ahead somehow all hell breaks loose.

1. Wake up early to get some work out of the way. Computer inexplicably shuts down. I take it as a sign to move on and shower.

2. T.D. wakes up a full 45 minutes earlier than normal throwing off the flow. I bounce back as she is happy in her room with books and a sippy cup. Which makes me wonder, should she be off the sippy? No time to think of that now I must get ready!

3. Stalk guest room making sure it is clean for MIL's arrival later today. The dog has decided to not eye gunk up the pillows. Awesome! Two points for me!

4. Shower. Bliss as I don't have to talk to anyone or talk anyone down from climbing out of the tub or into the tub with a hairdryer and tub of salt scrub. No plastic toys have been lobbed at the shower door either. Score!

5. Come downstairs to find not my coat unhung AGAIN. I know I'm home and all but it doesn't mean that I am now the maid who picks up EVERYONE's stuff all the time. HANG THE FREAKIN' COAT!

6. Realize the sink and counters I scrubbed the night before to make house MIL presentable are now entirely coated in burnt bagel crumbs. FACK!!!! Gritting my teeth I mutter to myself about how I am the maid apparently. I clean the sink and counters AGAIN while swearing oaths and longing for the maid's cigarette break.

7. Breakfast is assembled we are all dressed! Amazing! Dog pukes on the carpet in the den and then again under the kitchen table while we are eating. Eggs. We are eating runny eggs. Kick ass!

8. Clean up all puke from house only to find eggs smeared on table, chair and cabinets. Toddler amazingly clean. Sticky pineapple bits coat the once clean floor. Indigestion begins and I long for a shot of some hard stuff. If sippy cups aren't for chardonnay can they be used for vodka?

9. Send T.D. to watch Clifford because the incessant whining? For I have no idea what makes me want to go into a Joan Crawford clean the bathroom meltdown. Seriously. It seems like such a good release to just trash a nicely clean room and then leave someone else to clean it up doesn't it? Must be why she does it every day.

10. Oh look! It's time to dash! Maybe the bracing cold air will snap me out of this tense and slightly bitter mood. It's date night tonight and I need to mellow out. I think I'll turn on some Dance Party USA music and make T.D. dance for me. Dance! Little kid Dance! That never fails to cheer me up. And stop the whining.



8.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

I'm Suzy Homemaker?

I had a thought last night as I was drifting off to sleep. OK it was more like a series of thoughts that built up and whirled around in my brain with me alternately writing a post in my head and then falling asleep mid-sentence and forgetting the verbage for this morning, but nonetheless it was a pertinent thought.

My friend once told her husband that he needed to understand that while he goes to work each day and then leaves his boss when he comes home she as a stay at home mother never does. Her boss wakes her up each morning, blows through her "office" all day leaving a wake of destruction in her path, and continuously yells at her for reasons that we don't always understand. Would he like it if his boss did that to him? No. So some understanding needed to happen on his part.

Can I relate? ShippyMcflippyshadippy I can! It's been almost a year since I decided to make a go of this work from home/staying home with T.D. In this time my salary has obviously dipped below what it used to be. I never thought I was one to base my worth on my earnings or my job. Lord knows I did not view what I was doing for Company A as a career choice. It fell in my lap when I needed it and it was a good run while it lasted. It wasn't hard to give it up. It simply was not something I wanted to be do anymore or saw myself ever doing. In the last year though I've felt, to my surprise, that I fell I have less room to make decisions. Less of a right.

I sometimes feel that I live in a world with two bosses. My job well done is reflected on such 1950s type items some days that when dinner is not met happily it is like I'm getting a bad review at the office. It can be crushing. It can suck. OK it does suck. I'm not saying that H thinks he is my boss, I think I project that on him. T.D. does dictate most of how my days flow at this point and there is no way around it. I have no desire to drag a toddler to meetings or make her watch tons of television just so I can work a few minutes more. I made this choice to wake up to my bosses each day and sleep with one of them. I just never expected to feel that I have less say simply because I now earn less.

It makes no sense really. I have always earned less than H. Maybe it is that I never expected to feel so traditional? I'm traditional in that I like pearls and little black dresses and toile, but to feel that I'm the number one cook and cleaner now and that it is less of a joint effort blows my preconceived mind. H helps out but it is simply in a different way because I am home first and it just makes sense for me to do these things. I do however, miss those days when we would cook and clean together. I see myself doing too much for both of them sometimes too. I had to stop myself from putting a spoon in H's cereal for him like I do with T.D. each morning. I wanted to vomit in the sink when I realized that I almost did this. When did I become such a Suzy Homemaker? Should I just cash it in and enter a bake-off and start wearing aprons? Maybe today when I vacuum I'll wear pumps and pearls!

Is it really all my own doing? At this point I'm trying to get over this feeling of relinquished power. Am I alone in feeling this way? Do other women who have made this decision feel this way too? It leaves me with such a feeling of discontent and I don't want it to be a winter of that.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Jingle, Jingle, It's a Holiday Meme!

Welcome to the "Holiday Edition" of getting to know your friends. Or basically wasting time at the office/online because you have some article you are supposed to be writing but you are a bit freaked out by it and it's lack of deadline so you do banal and incredibly cheesy things like this instead...

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Ooh we are starting off with a real stimulating one aren't we? I say, and I'm getting crazy here, both! And I do recycle.


2. Tree--Real or Artificial? Real. I grow them in my back yard. Each year I replant the same tree and then mercilessly cut it down again. Do you believe that?


3. When do you put the Christmas tree up? Me? Well, I would like to do it right after Thanksgiving, but there is this pesky 'no sooner than December' rule that has been instituted in our house. If I had my way we would be singing carols on the way down to grandma's. I would have already finished shopping by August. Oh wait. I already do that...


4. When do you take the tree down? Growing up it was after the Epiphany (January 6th) but now? Whenever. Whenever H begins to twitch each time he sees the tree as compared to the amount of pine needles that have fallen onto the living room floor.


5. Like egg nog? Yack. No! It reminds me of something that comes only from boys. Blech. Or phlegm.


6. Do you have a nativity scene?
Yes. Two, one sadly cutesy one that never fits in our home but I can't bring myself to break tradition and leave it in the box. Now T.D. likes to hide the baby lamb because it's just so darn cute and I fear I will find pieces of it's ceramic head behind the furniture for years to come. The other is glass and sits high on a shelf. Away from small, prying hands and those who want to see my lack of dusting skills.

7 . Hardest person to buy for? Dom. I have a million ideas, I have no ideas. I buy so early and then never know what I actually bought. He ends up with items like fuzzy sock slippers one year with gum and a big screen TV the next. Since that TV? I've never been able to compete again. I put myself out of the game.


8. Tinsel or Garland on the tree? We've had this discussion. We've heard the story. Gold Tinsel. Tinsel that is gold and looks like a cat hacked it up on the tree.


9. Worst Christmas gift - Stuff. You know those items that people buy for who knows what reason but you never use them and then you re-gift them to your own family only to be told it has your initials on it? Uh yeah... No more lipstick cases, compacts and generally things that weigh 8 lbs but fit in the palm of my hand and should fit conveniently in my purse.

10. Mail or email a Christmas Card? Both. I know I'm crazy. This year we did the "we'll NEVER do that!" photo card. I feel like such a suburban loser.


11. Favorite Christmas movie? OK I'll be serious a moment. Emmett Otter's Jugband Christmas, The Muppet Christmas Carol, Home Alone. Nothing says the holiday's to me more than screaming puppets and screaming kids.


12. When do you start shopping for Christmas? August. And that it me controlling myself. I start making lists of ideas in secret places in May. It's a sickness really.


13. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Heehheehh nooo. Yes! See #9. Plus all those wives coffees from the military? Oh yeah those gifts got recycled. Recycled right into the Good Will bag. Do I look like I like pink plates with girls in fluffy dresses on them? OK maybe I do, but damn I hate crap like that.

14. Favorite food to eat on Christmas? Certainly not Yule cake. Though each year I promise to make one. Then I get freaked out by the rolling of the cake and I panic and make something else. There is no favorite food for Christmas though as each year it's different. H and I have started a Christmas day tradition right out of 'A Christmas Story'. We eat Chinese. It's Awesome!


15. Colored or clear lights? Seriously? Why do you need this information? How many more questions are there? OK. I'm a total snob about this. White lights. Must be white lights. This year I released my iron claw grip on this and we have strands of those GIANT colored bulbs on our back deck. It's sort of fiesta like out there and I kind of dig it.

16. Favorite Christmas Song? The Paul McCartney junkie in me loves, Wonderful Christmastime. Jingle Bell Rock and Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree come in a close second.

17. Travel during Christmas or stay home? Staying home!!! Which also means I will be cooking three separate meals as people begin coming to us starting this weekend. It's a Catch-22.

18. Can you name Santa's reindeer's? Ugly, Afraid of heights, Air Pee'r, The one with "issues", and Flopsy? Oh. Right. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph

19. Star or Angel on tree top? a Stah. A big gold thing that was a Wal-Mart special. H and I bought it on first Christmas where we just shoved things in the cart including the tree (deserts do not have Christmas trees) and this star is plastic and gaudy. I love it!

20. Open presents on Christmas Eve or morning? One on Christmas Eve and the rest in the morning. You know when we all look like hell had it's way with us the night before and that is when we take those cherished photos that last FOR-EVERRRR.

2 1 . Most annoying thing about this time of year? Oh too long to list if I wanted to get all Christmas Bitch on you. Or holiday memes and the fact that I'm now going to tag a bunch of people!

Tag! You are now IT! Stephanie! (Nyah, nyah!) Lauren you may not like it but geez girl, you need to update that blog, Radioactive Girl (Welcome!), and anyone else who wants to do this meme in an attempt to procrastinate! Send me a link and I'll put it up here.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Tiny Dictator Institutes New Regime

What fresh hell is this? I must have asked myself this question more than once last night. We are dealing with something new here and I don't know what it is, but it scares me.

After a Sunday filled with a whiny, non-napping toddler who seemed on the verge of a complete meltdown/revolt. Her totalitarian regime was going full-tilt in her mind as she marched about the house screaming orders to her less than cooperative minions. OK her one "minion", the dog. The dog who looked just as freaked as us by this evil twist of events. Sure. Sometimes the kid doesn't nap. Sometimes. And it's not fun but screaming in terror at night? That's new. I felt like we were back at the six months mark or something and we can't find the dog. I fear the worst.

7:30 p.m.- Bedtime. She goes down seemingly easy. Ah! Sleep. Ten seconds after the door is shut to her room we hear the whines and cries. We let her Ferberize herself. The nerve of us! Ten minutes later there is blissful quiet. The desire to smoke ten cigarettes and consume a jug o wine abides. Slowly.

The evening passes uneventfully enough. H and I sleep peacefully in our beds until...

11:13 p.m.- Crying from across the hall rouses me awake. I am plucked from my dream about driving a red Trans Am on a conveyor belt (hills are a bitch by the way) and I sit up to listen. Yup. That's crying. OK now that's screaming. What the? I go across the hall and talk T.D. down. I cover her up and soothe her. Her little eyelids flutter and she closes her eyes. Slowly, with eyes half-closed, I step ever closer to the door. Just as I place my hand on the door knob she begins to whimper then wail again. My shoulders sag in defeat and I soothe her again. Finally, I leave the room only to have her begin crying in earnest all over again as I climb back into bed.

I mutter aloud that I have "no freakin' idea what has possessed her!" and H and I wait. She'll go back to sleep right? heeheeehee [Nervous laughter erupts from both of us] Clearly we aren't conditioned to these nocturnal wakings anymore.

11:34 p.m.- H gets up and goes to the dictators room. Moments later he's back in and declaring he'll just be sleeping on her floor for a while. Awesome. It's like that huh? She's won. Easily too.

12:52 a.m.- Do I hear crying again? I wake from a dream where I'm back to being a freshman in college. My concrete dorm room has six beds in it and a leaky shower. There is mildew on the mint green walls. Well, that sucks.

Huh. I realize that H is not in our bed. He's still on the floor of T.D.'s room. Wrapped in a spare blanket and using two receiving blankets as a make-shift pillow he cat naps on and off in between attempting to leave the room. Each time he quietly rises and slinks towards the door he is met with wails and whimpers. What fresh hell is this?

2:27 a.m.- I wake again. Tossing and turning with the extra blankets and bed space I am awakened by a jingling sound. Has Christmas come early? Are reindeer on the roof? Confused I sit up and realize the dog's tags are stuck in her crate floor. Again. I get up. Dislodge her tags, shove her back into her crate and tuck her in. I am so tired. I am not awake. I am tired. Did I mention I'm tired?

5:00 a.m.- Is that an alarm? I'm so confused. H is still not in our bed. Wait, there he is creeping into our room. It's quiet too. Aaah. Sleep. Though we both know we have mere moments until we wake up again.

6:58 a.m.- Crap! We overslept! Quietly I get dressed and head downstairs to make about 8 gallons of coffee to hook up to my IV that I will cart around today.


And we're thinking of having another?

Friday, December 07, 2007

How May I Help You?

Last night in an effort to fight my case of W.B. I asked the women in my GNO group what types of issues bother them. We discussed air travel, restaurants and the quality or lack of in products. However, what the discussion really boiled down to is poor customer service. Today, with all our technological efforts we have to make life easier we have lost something in the translation. We've lost good, effective customer service.

We find ourselves stunned when someone treats us with respect or gets a task accomplished properly and efficiently. In essence we are impressed when someone in customer service does their job. How sad is that? Tell me, how many of you arrive at an airport already bracing yourselves for the onslaught of crap service? You can put your hands down now. I see it is almost unanimous. I don't mean to be a pessimist here but you know it's true. We already know that these airport/airline workers are underpaid, have had their benefits slashed and they are horribly understaffed and you brace yourself. Lines will be long, no reasons will be given for delays, and customer service in the US airline industry has become almost nil. I read stories like this one in the Post and while I'm shocked and saddened but I'm not really surprised.

We know that when we call a customer service line we will have to wait and most times we will never get to speak to an actual human being. Comedians have constructed whole routines on this topic. We hate it, but we accept it. Why? We grumble and complain about how bad customer service is when we try to return an item, fix a product, or simply dine out but yet we don't really do anything about it in the end. We simply move on and accept it. It has come to the point that when we are treated nicely it is a major event. We tell our friends about it. We call people and share the joyous news! SOMEONE ON THE OTHER END OF THAT 1-800 NUMBER WAS NICE TO ME! My mechanic did his job! The cashier was pleasant! She didn't scowl once!

I realize that a lot of this stems from employees being underpaid but there is a limit. If your job is in customer service or in the service industry you have to remember that. Your job is to you know, actually be pleasant and help people. It's not your job to be unapologetic regarding a wrong order. It is going that extra mile to smile. To do your job properly which doesn't take that much more effort. Sometimes it takes less energy and makes it easier than being unpleasant. At least that is what I garnered all those years I slogged working behind a sandwich/ice cream counter, being a cashier and working in customer service myself.

I think that is why I am continually saddened by how much we take from this sector and how little we expect when we get into these situations. As a nation have we come to expect poor service? If you find yourself being amazed at good service what does that say about our country as a whole? Readers what do you have to say about this issue? I really want to know. I'm beginning to feel that this may be a call to action of it's own. All the recent toy recalls speak to this too. Companies don't care. They are complacent and just want the cash. Service then goes out the window. We may be grumbling to ourselves but we are clearly not being heard and maybe it's time that we speak up and demand better. Either that or I'm just a cranky B with standards that are too high.

More articles about this topic

Comcast Crap

Does it Still Exist?

Another Perspective

Savvy Tips

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Pet Peeve #52- Call Waiting

Call Waiting. It could probably rank higher than 52 but I'm not going to quibble which should be higher call waiting or cell phones that don't accept calls only texts. Grrr....

A few weeks ago I was on the phone with a friend when she interrupted me mid-sentence to proclaim than another friend was on the other line. No, we weren't going to have a three-way convo here. Simply that, Hey! You are less important than this here chicky, so bye now! Without a word in I was disconnected. Eewww.

I mentioned it to H later that day because I found it so blatantly tacky and thoughtless. He too agreed and we laughed it off at how technology has made us all the more personal (like this here blog) and yet enables us to lack manners in an ever increasing way.


Call waiting makes my blood pressure shoot up and instantly make me seethe. It's a little invention that I'm not sure Alexander Graham Bell would entirely approve of. Oh I admit, I used to have call waiting. I used it too. Then I got rid of it because really? There's voice mail. If you don't want to leave a message then fine, call me back later. But call waiting? Nothing says you are unimportant more than using call waiting. So I say if you must use it keep it to yourself. Don't tell the other person that there's another call coming in and you would rather get that one. Especially if you called the person you are hanging up on in the first place. It's rude and it's tacky. Just simply excuse yourself from the conversation and let that be that. No one is the wiser. Especially if that person you are hanging up on is your wife.

Hold on. I have someone better to talk to. Click. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Mother Announces that Snowy Errands with Toddler Do Not Rock

Since I have a case of W.B. I decided to forgo the whole writing thing for a day and instead focus on the beautiful snow falling outside. I wanted to bake and finish a long overdue library book. But before I could do any baking or relaxing I had to head to the store and get some supplies.

First up was a trip to Kmart. After a long arduous search for the gold tinsel that we must have for our tree, I was told Kmart was the place for all things Christmas. The drive across town was quick but, then I missed the entrance to the store and narrowly missed getting on 95. Already a parking lot because hey! It’s DC and we have had two snowflakes fall in the last four hours. Heavens to Mercatroid! Snow! We must all drive like idiots because two flakes have fallen! Still it was to Kmart we must go. H needs his gold tinsel on the tree. I swear he hurls it on the tree with the same effect that a cat does when it coughs up a hairball, but he loves it and I love him, so I had to find some gold, not silver, tinsel.

Ah, Kmart, a place I never go. It's a sad little run down store. The sales people though were abundant and willing to help me find my gold tinsel. Once they stopped being smarty-pants about things at least. I think that fact that I was walking around mouth open, eyes glazed at all the decorations (you can have an entirely purple Martha Stewart Christmas thank you very much! Or pink!) might have helped me out. I had to steer the smirking sales guy away from garland hanging behind my head. Then the gold beads in strands. NO! Tinsel! The strands of shiny metallic, well I don’t know, plastic? Some non-enviro-friendly product I’m sure. Do you have it? I NEED it! Indeed they did and I bought the whole supply. Just in case you know an apocalypse occurs and we need to repopulate the world with gold tinsel and such.

I then aimlessly wandered around the store for a bit picking up forgotten items for the house until I realized something. T.D. was missing a shoe. Or rather a very expensive Umi boot that I’m reviewing. These shoes are fantastic! They are also expensive. This was now a dire situation. We had been all over the entire store! Now we had to backtrack and look under racks? I began to sweat and tried to curb the cursing as T.D. said over and over , “Oh no! Shoe!!!” Yeah, kid, Oh no. Shoe. I enlisted the help of a salesperson but couldn’t find the shoe. I began to give up hope as I retraced our steps and went down aisle after aisle again. Back through the holiday decorations, back through Martha Stewart land, and back through the toys. Finally, after giving up all hope completely I spied a little lime green circle (the trademark to the Umi sole) under a rack of men’s flannel shoes. Exactly the spot we were in when we noticed the shoe was gone. How did I miss it?! Relieved we checked out quickly and left the store. T.D. was beginning to twitch and growl in the cart.

Outside, the snow was coming down harder now. I struggled to wrangle her into her car seat without doing a parking lot flip out. I was so close to losing it all together after the fourth attempt to get her wiggly yet boneless body back into the car seat. Mommy says, this is NOT a game pumpkin, I said through gritted teeth. No fear though, no child was harmed in this process. Despite my wanting at one point to just go white trash nuts on her in the snowy parking lot. Snow muffles screams right?

Ever a glutton for punishment I plied her with snacks and pressed onward! We fought some more at the bank drive up window and then again as I wrestled her into the stroller to head to another store. Why did I think this was a good idea? Done with the errands we headed home. I sighed a sigh of relief and with renewed optimism we pulled into our driveway. I let T.D. out of the car seat and tried to get her to climb out of the car. She became like fruitcake in December. Positively unmovable. The snow was mesmerizing her. I tried to play along but after ten minutes of standing in the snow, with snow blowing into the car and a bit of a frozen behind, I had had enough. I dragged her out of the car and onto the sidewalk. She just stood there. I placed her at the front door and tried to nudge her inside. Nothing doing. I shut the front door on her then and said, “Fine. Don’t come inside. Just watch the snow from the steps. Fine. The rest of us will be warm inside.” Twenty seconds later I opened the door and she was still standing there mesmerized. I scooped her up and brought her inside.

11 a.m. and I felt done. I called it a day. When is nap-time again?

UPDATE- As I type this the reams of gold tinsel sit on the table mocking me. They are not on the tree? No. They. Are. Not. Am I bitter because I braved the elements (or as H put it, subjected our child to abuse by taking her out in such treacherous weather/a.k.a two flakes on the ground while our neighbors sit safely in their bomb shelters eating 10 year old canned corn)and a rather cantankerous toddler to get this gold tinsel? Maybe just a little.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

I've Got W.B.

I have a strong case of W.B. this week. That's Writer's Block so no I don't smell and there aren't large pustules rising off my flesh. I'm not quarantined either. I just can't think. I can't concentrate and I feel all shippymacflippyshadippy or something.

Maybe it's the holidays. My mind wanders over to the kitchen where I dream of making confections and Christmas cookies galore with T.D. rather than sitting at a 17-inch screen all day. I think of the countless errands to run and how it might snow today and I am at a loss for words. Literally. For whatever reason I can not get riled up or thoughtful enough to think of a topic beyond cats as elves (the shame!)at DC Metro Moms and likewise for Moms Speak Up. I have a topic all set to write about for this site but again my mind won't let my fingers put words to keyboard and screen. I feel hopeless. Even the blogs are suffering.

So today I leave you with some vintage Mummy. Some remember when's, you know, back when I was witty...

Still don't get it

Vicky and the no good, terribly awful day

Thank God this is done!



Scared ya didn't I? Awake now? Good. Let's not discuss what's going on south of the belt there in this photo. Is that where his battery pack goes? Yick!

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Man-drome- is it in your home?

I am downstairs. Shh…

I am putting up Christmas decorations, making tea for H & I, and putting away items just purchased at Tar-zhay. What a handy multi-tasker I am! I’m also just about to bite into a fabulous little Ritter Sport chocolate biscuit (lips parted, drooling commences, chocolate oh so near my teeth for that first delicious bite!) when I hear H yell for me from upstairs. He’s giving T.D. a bath.

For whatever reason, I can never understand a word he says when he begins mumble- yelling from another region of the house. I frustratingly pull the heavenly little piece of chocolate away from my lips and wipe the drool off my chin. The nerve! The knack! How in the world does he always know when I’m about to sneak a piece of chocolaty goodness? How?!

I head to the stairs to mumble-yell back up to him. He mumble-yells again. It's worse than having Charlie Brown's teacher live in our house sometimes! I catch only one word. Detangler. We recently purchased some fruity smelling concoction of hair detangler for T.D.’s rats nest of baby fine and curly hair. He wants to know how to use the detangler. I stifle the eye roll and head upstairs to the bathroom. As I enter the bathroom I can see that T.D. is still wet and in the tub. He looks at expectantly at me. I suppress a smile and say, "Use the detangler? Well, it's simple really. You pick up the bottle and you read the directions." If he could have, I think H would have kicked me. I leave the room and return to my moment of bliss downstairs where a nice little chocolate ensconced butter biscuit awaits me.

Really. What would he do if I wasn't here? He would solve the problem. Alone. Is it really easier to go through the whole mumble-yell thing that took five to ten minutes rather than just grab the bottle of detangler and read the label? Probably not. I'm dubbing this man-drome. It's no offense to H, but if I'm anywhere in the house man-drome will arise. I'm sure I suffer something similar and will hear of it later today.

Man-drome: the inability to figure out a problem on their own first if the wife/partner/mom is anywhere in the house. In recent years Man-drome has become rampant and bleeds out into out of home tasks. The wide use of cell phones now makes it possible for man-drome to happen in a variety of places such as grocery store runs and other errands.

Does your man suffer from man-drome?

Monday, December 03, 2007

Blooming YaYa

I'm not normally one for flowery posts. I don't even read posts by bloggers that set their own blogs in this tone. If someone is looking for more funny, cute mom/kid stories on this blog, stories that are less "cringe-worthy" then you have come to the wrong place. Every once in a while though I'll admit I find a new blogger to stalk. One that makes me laugh so hard that I almost pee myself, but I also find myself commiserating with as I read along. Blooming Ya Ya is one such blog.

Bobita rocks. I laugh. I learn. Her blog has a coziness about it that makes me feel better for reading it. She also has a kick ass button on the bottom right of her blog sidebar that just cinched it for me and made me a regular reader. That is why I'm nominating her November 15 post for a Perfect Post award. So show some bloggy love and read this post by Bobita. If you are a cheese lover you will certainly understand and quite possibly fall in love with this blog too.

The Original Perfect Post Awards

Find more perfect post award nominees here and here.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Solid Gold

Gold, gold, gold. Gold bars? Gold Medal? Gold Medal Flour? For the past few days I’ve been trying to think of what “gold” means to me. This was a challenging blog post. An image kept popping into my head and I kept trying to push it out. “Solid Gold”.

My formative years were made up of Nixon’s resignation, Carter’s election, the Bicentennial (I made a cute Betsy Ross). Dorothy Hamill won gold in Innsbruck - I had the haircut. The Summer of Sam, NYC blackouts, Reggie Jackson as “Mr. October”.

At the root of it all though, I am a child of the disco era. I went through elementary school with a 70’s soundtrack playing in the background.

My siblings and I would perform skits to ABBA. We lip-synched and threw in some in some dramatic moves to make it interesting. "Fernando" and "Dancing Queen" were favorites. The Village People, Donna Summer, and Gloria Gaynor played on the radio.

70's fashion can only be described as Solid Gold. Gold lame, gold platform shoes, gold hot pants. Think Saturday Night Fever. Think Bee Gees.

One vivid memory I have of the 70's is my mother's 'Fro. Yeah, 'Fro. There's a photo somewhere buried in an album - not to worry, I have a perfect picture in my head. It was Christmas/New Year's 1975/76 and our whole family was on vacation with friends and Mom's 'fro was in fine form. Twice the size of her head, of course.

Mind you this is a woman from suburban Connecticut, wife of a doctor, mother to four children. Boy, that hair was smokin' - nice 'fro, Mom. Solid Gold.


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This post is part of a blog exchange. Always fashionable Flower Child can be found proudly sporting her thick curly hair around Washington, DC. When she's not dancing to disco music, she works as an evaluator of HIV/AIDS programs in developing countries. Today Vicky is over at Flower Child's place - ruminating on Silver. You can find more exchanges at The Blog Exchange.