No, You May Not Frost My Cupcake

It's discussion time again and this week I'm posing a question about friendships, the relationships between men and women and what is appropriate and what is not. It's up to you. Read the issue, discuss in the comments and offer up your opinion.

You are sitting at your friends house and her husband makes a comment along the lines of, "I'd like to frost your cupcake..." or the classic "I'd like a (insert your name and your friends name) sandwich. Heh heh. (Insert a comment about how he might be into polygamy too)". It's not the first time he says things like this but because you don't want to embarrass your friend you smile and brush it off. She laughs it off each time as well. However, it just keeps happening.

What do you do? Do you continue to keep quiet for the sake of your friend? Do you take him aside later and confront the man? Or do you reprimand him for his behavior right there in front of his kids and wife?

Have at it!

Thirteen Years Ago I Needed 'Click To Empower'

This morning I put out four bags of clothes onto my front step for donation pick up. It was then that I realized that I didn't have any purses in the bags. Nothing in that capacity to even donate either. I felt a bit guilty too. As if I am not doing my part to help with a cause I hold near my heart despite not always wanting to and wish I didn't have to.

What the heck am I talking about?

It's October people. It's not just awareness month for the pink ribbons but also for Domestic Violence. From now until October 3 many Allstate insurance agencies will be working with Dress for Success to collect purses and professional bags to help women get back on their feet and back to the work force prepared and in style. So be generous! Find that Allstate agency near you and give yourself an excuse to do some Fall cleaning. Seventy-four percent of us know someone affected by domestic violence yet it largely goes either unnoticed or swept under the rug.

We don't want to see it. We don't want to make waves. What if we are wrong and lose a friend by stirring up the pot? Both parties involved are too good at covering it all up too. That was my story. Even my closest friends and my family had no idea what was going on when they were not around. I myself, did not even see it. I had been been so conditioned. So worn down and trained in a way that I did not acknowledge the abuse as anything more than what I "needed" or "deserved". For five full years. It took a college counselor to finally break the spell and destroy the story I had built -where it was all my fault and I had to wear my hair and clothes they way he wanted. Or else. Who thought about teens and domestic violence at that time anyway? Tori Spelling hadn't made any Sunday night movies about it yet and Fred Savage was still remembered for his role as Kevin, in the Wonder Years.

Today, because people cared enough to press the point and keep after me. Because I was somehow strong enough to get away at the right time, I am fine. Sure, I am a safety nut and I still sometimes have myself on high alert (H calls our house Fort Knox) but you can't come away from a war not scarred and that is just what domestic violence is like. It's a war on your body and your soul. You can get it back. You just have to find help and that is the hardest part of all.

You can give help too.

Visit 'Click to Empower' to find out more and enter to win a contest for a purse that you could just as well turn around and donate to someone who desperately needs to get back on their feet.

The Bank of Frustration

Dear Giant Bank that Apparently only Recognizes My Husband as a Client:

Thank you so much for alerting me to the $800 charges to my debit account two weeks ago. You were so prompt and so fast in your phone call on a late Friday night. It almost made me love you. Almost.

Then I called you back and despite the late hour and 24-hour service I was put on hold for quite some time and got jokey the jokster as my service rep. "That totally sucks, sorry about that..." is not the response I want to hear when I let you know that indeed I did not spend nearly $700 at Kroger in Georgia while I was in fact racking up charges here in Virginia. Nor did I spend $100 at Home Depot in Decauter. Nope, not me. I could have gone along with your ha-ha I sound like a total stoner attitude and said that, "Yes, indeed I know who made the charges" and blamed it on a pregnant woman in GA who is searching for gas and stocking up on baby goods right now. But, that would have been a cruel, sick joke on my part and I don't joke about the monies, dude.

Instead, I dutifully filled out my fraud claim forms, chose a new pin and waited the ridiculously stone-age wait period of 5-7 business days for my new debit card to arrive. And Huzzah! It did arrive! Only it was wrong. YOU PUT MY HUSBAND'S NAME ON IT MORONS! NOT MINE! It was not a joint card that we use. ONLY MINE! I laughed a sick, dastardly laugh when I saw this new card and called y'all back right quick. No real apology was given on your part either. Just an "Oh... yeaaahhh.... we did. Well that will be FIVE TO SEVEN DAYS for your new card. Unless you want to use this one. " When I asked if that was possible because like, um.. isn't that how we got into this whole freakin' mess? By like, (snap, chewing gum here) uhhh having someone else, i.e. NOT ME!, use my card, how on GOD'S GREEN EARTH COULD I NOW USE A CARD WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S NAME ON IT AS WELL?! You just calmly told me it was A-OK. Color me sly and smart but isn't that wrong, I asked? Nope. Not to you smarty pants bank. I could use it with my husband in tow. Because apparently I just drag him everywhere. Either that or its the 1950s and I don't have a license and/or drive myself anywhere and I take my giant black patent-leather purse, floral dress and pumps with me to the store with H in tow each time I need to go anywhere. AUGH!!! Because after all, doesn't he have to approve all my purchases anyway?!

(panting... out of breath from exasperation)

So you canceled that card and I am spending the next five to seven business days waiting with little faith that indeed this time. This card. Will, in fact, be the right one. That when I use it at an ATM and at a store (ooh I'm so tricky that way) it will work just okey-dokey fine too. Because seriously? If that card doesn't work even with my name on it? I will have to do more than just write a cranky-ass post about how much I hate you as a bank along with all the other banks I've used and hated in the past. Nope, this time I will be out for bankers blood and let's be honest. You all don't need anymore heat on you as an institution these days, now do you?

Signed,

Your Insulted and Pissy Client

I'm Suzy Homemaker?

I had a thought last night as I was drifting off to sleep. OK it was more like a series of thoughts that built up and whirled around in my brain with me alternately writing a post in my head and then falling asleep mid-sentence and forgetting the verbage for this morning, but nonetheless it was a pertinent thought.

My friend once told her husband that he needed to understand that while he goes to work each day and then leaves his boss when he comes home she as a stay at home mother never does. Her boss wakes her up each morning, blows through her "office" all day leaving a wake of destruction in her path, and continuously yells at her for reasons that we don't always understand. Would he like it if his boss did that to him? No. So some understanding needed to happen on his part.

Can I relate? ShippyMcflippyshadippy I can! It's been almost a year since I decided to make a go of this work from home/staying home with T.D. In this time my salary has obviously dipped below what it used to be. I never thought I was one to base my worth on my earnings or my job. Lord knows I did not view what I was doing for Company A as a career choice. It fell in my lap when I needed it and it was a good run while it lasted. It wasn't hard to give it up. It simply was not something I wanted to be do anymore or saw myself ever doing. In the last year though I've felt, to my surprise, that I fell I have less room to make decisions. Less of a right.

I sometimes feel that I live in a world with two bosses. My job well done is reflected on such 1950s type items some days that when dinner is not met happily it is like I'm getting a bad review at the office. It can be crushing. It can suck. OK it does suck. I'm not saying that H thinks he is my boss, I think I project that on him. T.D. does dictate most of how my days flow at this point and there is no way around it. I have no desire to drag a toddler to meetings or make her watch tons of television just so I can work a few minutes more. I made this choice to wake up to my bosses each day and sleep with one of them. I just never expected to feel that I have less say simply because I now earn less.

It makes no sense really. I have always earned less than H. Maybe it is that I never expected to feel so traditional? I'm traditional in that I like pearls and little black dresses and toile, but to feel that I'm the number one cook and cleaner now and that it is less of a joint effort blows my preconceived mind. H helps out but it is simply in a different way because I am home first and it just makes sense for me to do these things. I do however, miss those days when we would cook and clean together. I see myself doing too much for both of them sometimes too. I had to stop myself from putting a spoon in H's cereal for him like I do with T.D. each morning. I wanted to vomit in the sink when I realized that I almost did this. When did I become such a Suzy Homemaker? Should I just cash it in and enter a bake-off and start wearing aprons? Maybe today when I vacuum I'll wear pumps and pearls!

Is it really all my own doing? At this point I'm trying to get over this feeling of relinquished power. Am I alone in feeling this way? Do other women who have made this decision feel this way too? It leaves me with such a feeling of discontent and I don't want it to be a winter of that.