We Still Remember

I'm reluctant to post about 9/11 despite the ten year anniversary. It isn't that I feel such a distance from that day that I have nothing to say. It is that I wonder what is so important about what I have to say regarding that day. I'm glad it is on a Sunday this year when people will not have to be at work but can do what they wish with the day. Spend it however they need to and not be tied to as much responsibility.

All this week I step out my front door and realize each day has a brilliant blue sky. Cloud free and calm. I am reminded of September 11. I don't need any commemorative coin or magazine in my mailbox. I just have to look at the sky. That sky will forever remain in my memory.

We had gotten married just days before and arrived home late the night of the tenth. We threw our wedding gear on the floor and fell into bed. The next morning was H's first day in his new office at 29 Palms Marine base in California. I was awakened by the phone. Who wasn't on that day? My parents were still in Vegas, our wedding location, and now stranded. There was no getting out and returning to Rhode Island now. The first Tower was already down. My mind went into overdrive as I thought of all the people we had as guests at our wedding that weekend, friends who couldn't make it, all from New York. Some working right there. I fell on the floor as I watched the scene unfold before me on television. What had become of our dear friends?

I spent the day driving through the desert on my way to pick up family in Vegas. I drove without any radio station or cell signal. Every few miles strains of the national anthem would come across the radio. I felt like I was the last person left on the planet. Chaos and confusion reigned in Vegas as people were stuck in hotels with no way to get home. I dumped my car's full ashtray on a tourist who made fun of people falling to their deaths from the Towers. It was the least I could do.

When I arrived home that night, weary and my Corolla packed with family, H was still not home. I hadn't been able to get through to him on base all day. I left him a note on the kitchen counter, "Went to Vegas to pick up my parents. This is insane. Be back soon." We still have the note. Later that night, when H did come home, my parents watched my new spouse gather his military gear up and begin packing it because that is what he was told to do. I looked down at my sparkling new wedding band and thought, "I knew this could happen. I just didn't expect it so soon."

I had a hard time wrapping my head around the fact the just a few days before we were surrounded by friends and family, spending cash like mad, drinking it up, acting so incredibly carefree, gambling and dancing to our hearts content. It was a different reality we were now all facing. A total 180. I cried for days and searched the lists of names for people we knew.

Ten years later, it is all so very fresh in my mind. I still mourn. I still replay the day's events in my mind and feel bits of grief. Do you?

Huzzah! Marriage Counseling for Everyone!

OK.  So I'm not giving away free counseling sessions or anything like that.  But I realized yesterday that frequently people ask me, "How is marriage counseling going these days?"  Yes, people do really ask me this. My most common reply is this, "You know, no one ever teaches you how to be married.  It's going really well. I don't know why more people don't do it."

It's true.  They say that what you see from your parents relationship imprints itself on you as the model for how relationships and/or marriage should be.  However, that is a faulty template.  You were a child not seeing the whole picture of that relationship.  Almost as if you were the Titanic seeing only the tip of the iceberg and not what was lying just below the surface.  As a child you were immature and could not process things in the same way and it makes for a skewed vision of that relationship.  Yet that is what you do take away and use later in life.  It's not complete. Your training is not complete either. 

You need a Yoda, if you will, to guide you and create a force in your marriage that builds up reserves and ways to handle your own unique relationship and personalities.  What works for some isn't what works for all.  Relationships are not one size fits all. Trust me, I see my friends and sometimes think, "Really?  You like that shirt?" or "You don't mind that your spouse does that?"  They truly don't mind that the other person does those things or acts that way.  They like striped shirts with polka dots.

We go to school to learn the basics.  We get on the job training.  It's all totally acceptable.  So why is their such a stigma about seeking help whether it is for your marriage, PTSD or some other problem you may be facing? 

Marriage Can Be Fucking Hard- Part II

H asked me this question recently, "Does it always have to be this hard?  Will it ever get easier?"  I took him to mean our life as a whole and hopefully not just our marriage or parenting because man, once you put those two together it is just downright exhausting.  They say the Army is the toughest job you will ever love but the dude who made up that slogan was clearly single and childless.

I believe it will get easier but not for a long time.  When you are an overachieving couple who travel for work and you throw three kids under five into the mix and a dog that loves to just drop "nuggets" all willy nilly onto the floor whenever she feels like it, life is not just a bit busy it is downright spastic.  Coordinating a family schedule is like creating strategic war maneuvers for most of today's families.  I know we are not unique.  In fact, I believe we are pretty average and that is the problem.  The pace, even when we cut out a lot of stuff, is daunting.  The kids being the ages that they are create such a demand on our emotions, bodies and minds. It all leads to epic meltdowns like I had last Friday with TD. 

What should have been our easy, no-school day turned into a day where her tantrums rolled in like seizures.  They held over our domain like black thunderclouds threatening to destroy every moment through the day.  Each time we survived one another arrived minutes later. This condition, and I am going to call it that, is something H and I cannot understand.  We have tried timeouts.  We have taken away privileges, eliminated sugar and done a reward system.  Nothing has worked.  We have gone the 1,2,3 Magic route and that worked the longest but it boils down to this very Veruca Salt motto, "I want what I want, when I want it." That is what TD tells us when we ask why she has these screamfests.  Screams that make our neighbors think someone is in peril.  Screams that last so long and have me reeling and unable to deal with anyone else in the house.  Cries that have me calling the pediatrician who tells me to restrain her with no eye contact and gives me the name of a child psychologist.  Sigh.  And that is that.  That is the next step and it is a scary one.  I feel I have failed TD as a parent.  Somehow I am not giving her something she needs.  Somehow I have missed a parenting class on this issue.  I need the therapist as much as her if only to have someone to talk to about our situation.

When you add this into what H and I are already trying to do with our own relationship it makes one feel like they have been cast about into the sea. The water just keeps rushing into your lungs as you begin to sink below the surface.  Drowning.  That's my current emotion. Do they have an emoticon for that?  Scotty, from the Enterprise, has just yelled, "She can't take much more Capt'n. She's gonna blow!"  Oh wait. That was in November and December.  And January and last Friday too.  Heh.  I want so badly for things to work out.  For things to remain calm.  I want to feel like I am doing something right again.  I am sick of feeling like I am spread too thin.  I'm sick of the demands.  I never knew that it would all be this hard and this non-stop.  Because like H I wonder, "Will it always be this hard? Will it ever get easier?"  If it doesn't soon I fear we are on a sinking ship. 

Maybe I just need to start going to bed at 6 p.m. before the kids and see what happens. 

Words Opened Doors

Someone said to me recently, "You have to start being really careful about what you put on Facebook."  And no, it wasn't my mother that said this.  When I asked what this person was talking about it all had to do with Words. 

Of course.

Except, here is the thing, Facebook picks up my blog.  Words was picked up and posted there just like all the others.  I'm fine with that. H is fine with that.  Yes, it was deeply personal but anyone that knows me also knows that being deeply personal is pretty much what I am all about.  I've talked about the raw, dark deal that Post Partum Depression is- twice.  I've written about domestic violence and its personal ties to me. 

So there's that.

Since Words, things have changed in our house.  That post opened a door in communication between H and I that we hadn't had in quite a while. It hasn't stopped either and while I can't say we are out of the woods or any of those words have been forgotten being so open has helped us so much. Without lambasting H he read and understood.  We have work to do, but we know it, have accepted it and are more open with each other instead of being so cautious and full of closed off fury. 

Besides, isn't this whole personal blog thing all about being well, personal? 

Words

Words.  They are powerful.  Once they are said you can't take them back.  They float out there and then immerse themselves into your brain and your heart and live there forever taking up a permanent residence.

Words can take away love.

Words can break a trust.

Words wound and slash away at memories, clouding the ways things are now forever viewed.

They erode a life and cause so much doubt.

The songs that used to make my heart beat stronger with love and happiness now only cause heartache and a deep sadness and feelings of wonder.  I wonder what happened and where did it all go so wrong.

I look in the mirror and think, "Is this really the face of a woman that you now hate?  That makes you so angry?"  I doubt your love. I don't believe you.  How can I when what you have said is so raw, painful and full of no emotion.  As the words are said they sound so flat and lifeless but in fact, they are full of a power that sucks the life out of me.

I don't know where to go or what to do anymore.  I only know that there is only doubt and a feeling of evasiveness.  The grief that this could be ending is unbelievable like living in a molasses bubble.  I can't catch my breath.  It makes me tired.  I have failed and there aren't even answers on how I did so and what can be done to fix it.  I may be physically standing but inside everything is coiled and curled into the fetal position withdrawing more with each minute and getting tucked away into a dark corner, very deep in an area I never want to access again. Only because I don't know if I can trust anything again. 

I feel that suddenly I am right back where I was in my early twenties when I was struggling to find my way out of so much anger and hatred.  Except now there is only sadness and it is your anger and hatred I am looking at.  There are no answers for me to work with and I don't know if we can work towards an understanding and a resolution. For now there is no advice.  There is just loss. 

Continuing Education

I feel I have been so serious lately.  I've been focused on getting back to work, getting back into shape, getting into being the mother of three instead of just two little girls.  It is all so time consuming.  Such a massive run around that has me dedicating a lot of time to my own endeavors.  I like it most of the time but it is certainly not balanced and it leads me to writing posts like this one. 

All the exhaustion has skewed life and made me less communicative too.  Surly, often times as well.  While it might not be totally balanced for right now I need to focus more on my relationship with H.  In the end things will balance out because they have to, but also because I will have the support I need from him.  He'll be more likely to give it if he feels it coming from me.

Relationships are such a continual learning process.  I feel like I have just found some giant book and cracked it open ready to learn its secrets.  It's more than what you put into is what you get out of it.  It goes beyond the advice "Sometimes it is 50/50 on both partners part but sometimes it is 90/10 and you have to know it will turn around again otherwise it isn't successful."  That's paraphrasing but true.  However, I suck at communicating when I have distractions (you know like three small kids, a dog that seems to like dropping shit nuggets 24/7 right now and oh, right life.) around me and that is something I really need to work on. 

Also?  Sometimes relationship rules and guidelines are like Groundhog Day.  You wake up and realize it's all the same as before but you still need to do it again.  Over and over again in order to get where you need to be.

Marriage Can Be Fucking Hard

I went for a run the other day and before I was even a block away from my house I coughed up some tears.  My face crumpled, tears flowed and emotion vomited out of me right on the street in from of my house.  I was powerless to squelch it no matter how many times I tried to resume running and stifle the sobs.  I wanted to find a bench and sit with my knees to my chest and just let it all out.

Instead I sucked in a few deep breaths, cranked up some Isaac Hayes on my iPod and started pounding the pavement hard and fast.  I blocked out all thoughts with the sounds of music. Hayes progressed into Steel Dragon (Heh) and then into Depeche Mode and I found myself running even faster.  I was yelling without even realizing it. I am quite sure I looked like a total nut job. 

What the fuck was my problem?  Marriage.  Relationships.  They are so damned hard.  They require so much work.  Twelve years into knowing someone and you can still not communicate properly.  Something you think you are doing they interpret differently and vice versa.  It is no wonder that some countries have a hard time working through their problems when leaders are continuously changing every few years.  You think you know someone and poof! It changes.  It can be a never ending battle that leaves you exhausted and mute.  It's easier to do that some days, isn't it?  Throw in a kid or three and it is almost impossible to find a day much less a time to sit down and weave through the mazes of problems that you have let build up over time.

It seems easier to sweep it all under a rug or just tune it all out.  You just want it to be easier.  You want something to be easier.  That's all.  This person was on your team, on your side and now they are glaring at you from across the room.  How can that be fixed in just one conversation? 

That's the thing I'm learning, even now, almost ten years into my marriage.  It can't.  The constant nurturing of kids is the same with a marriage.  I need a reminder of that sometimes like another post-it or mark on my 'to do' list.  Take out trash, make dinner, wipe butts, make spouse feel loved, pick up kids at school, remember to have sex with spouse, grocery shop, etc. It never ends.  It can feel soul crushing if you let it.  It can be real easy to start picking each other apart and start keeping score.  That is a game no one ever wins.  It is harder in the mundane everyday to remember why you love your significant other when you can't remember if you put on deodorant. 

It's hard to remember it isn't all about you.  That you live with other people and you can't live in your head so much.  Marriage.  Relationships.  They are way harder than we sometimes think. They are all those cliches about plants and nurturing and none of it is bullshit.

The Revolving Door

Lately it seems that things have been a bit off-kilter. If one of us is home the other is out. When another one returns a few others leave. Our home has become a revolving door the last few months and it has begun to take its toll.

It's been fun. All those nights out, trips away and time with friends and family. The girls have gone to cities, on trains and seen many sights. H has been loading up on frequent flier and hotel stay miles as well. It is exciting to return but our life has taken on a chaotic air. Each time we are apart it gets just a bit harder to reconnect with one another. Each night away creates a bit more distance in our hearts and it is not hard to see why all those Hollywood types hook up with their co-stars. Absence may make the heart grow fonder but not in every case. Sometimes it just creates a vacuum for the one left behind and drives a wedge where before there was a solid bond.

Fights begin. They don't get resolved and resentment settles in. You begin to keep score on all that you do and all that you perceive your partner as not doing. The placement of the crunchy peanut butter or cooking spray in the pantry can result in WWIII. Your revolving door of a life has you just going through the motions. Smiles are less frequent as are hugs. Added moments of affection dissipate into vapor. Your preschooler asks for more time with the sitter because the two of you are no fun to be around. If that is not a wake up call... well, it wasn't.

Is it the seven year itch even though you are in year eight or do you just need more time together? (Stop me before I sound too much like Carrie Bradshaw here.)

If I'm not around as much for a while it is because I'm busy converting my revolving door into the straight open and shut kind. I'm staying in more and going out less. We all are. It's not the recession but my relationship with my husband and my family. They are way more important than nights out and any future free hotel nights we could accrue from frequent flyer miles.

Cheeseburgers & Vodka

Scene: I've just come home from an entire day of doing nothing but hanging out with an old friend. As I'm about to exit my car I spy H walking up the sidewalk to get the mail.

V: Now, there's a fine piece of man!

H turns and smiles and keeps walking. I enter our house which is quiet and empty feeling from a day of no one but the dog being home.

H: I'm a fine piece of man who brings home vodka and cheeseburgers!

Talk about perfection.

No, You May Not Frost My Cupcake

It's discussion time again and this week I'm posing a question about friendships, the relationships between men and women and what is appropriate and what is not. It's up to you. Read the issue, discuss in the comments and offer up your opinion.

You are sitting at your friends house and her husband makes a comment along the lines of, "I'd like to frost your cupcake..." or the classic "I'd like a (insert your name and your friends name) sandwich. Heh heh. (Insert a comment about how he might be into polygamy too)". It's not the first time he says things like this but because you don't want to embarrass your friend you smile and brush it off. She laughs it off each time as well. However, it just keeps happening.

What do you do? Do you continue to keep quiet for the sake of your friend? Do you take him aside later and confront the man? Or do you reprimand him for his behavior right there in front of his kids and wife?

Have at it!