Overheards: Star Trek Edition

Scene:  H and I are in bed reading.  Er..I'm trying to read and he's asking inane questions over my shoulder just to annoy the hell out of me.  Marriage is bliss, people!

H:  Ah, the prologue.  You are going to read the prologue? 

Me:  Um.. yes.  (Scoots a few inches away)

H:  And you'll read the epilogue, right? 

Me: (Sighing audibly) Yesss...  I will. 

H:  Is there ever just like, a log or something?

Me:  A log? Like the middle section?

H: Yeah, a log (he sounds it out, "log-ooh".)

Me: Sure there is, the middle part is "log-ooh" or just log.  As in, "Captain's Log:  Stardate..."

He flicks me in the ear. 

Ten Years in the Making

After the year we've had I didn't think we would make it this far but we did it! *Victory lap and high fives for all* H and I celebrate our ten year anniversary today.

Ten years ago at 7 p.m. PST we said, "I do" in front of friends, family and a minister we met just ten minutes before. A half hour before the ceremony I had a bit of a freak out and had to have E get everyone out of my face for a moment and just let me breathe. The girl is still one of the only people I have ever met who can calm one of my panic attacks.

From desert living, skulls with eyebrows still attached, war and a few moves we made it through the first five years of our marriage largely unscathed. The next five years proved to be the real challenge. Three pregnancies, three births, three first years and no sleep. Multiple wardrobe changes (damn my need for that stylish maternity wear) and an ever expanding ass and thighs. New jobs, lay-offs, new careers and a business. Flipping houses, buying a drug house, making friends, creating a family and another move. It's been ten years of almost constant change and what has felt like sprinting through a marathon. We almost crashed and burned this past year but through the grace of God and Gottman we have survived.

I can truly say, Happy Anniversary H! I do love you more today than ever before. I am so glad that we made it work.

Day One- I Feel Like a Statistic

Cross-posted and archived from DC Metro Moms.  Original post from June 19, 2008.

The front door opened. Startled I looked up to find my husband coming home from work early yesterday. I was about to take a work related phone call so I just briefly asked him what was up. He perched himself on the edge of the kitchen counter and said, "It's done. Over. I got laid off."


Immediately, I had to grip the counter myself and keep from feeling as if my brain was doing a fade to black sort of thing. If there wasn't already a baby growing inside me it would have felt as if my stomach was being kicked in. Pummeled. I hear the words being calmly stated, "Two weeks severance...one month of insurance...", and my mind just reels. How are we going to survive? I feel like one of those brief profiles you read about in a story on the current toll of the U.S. economy being featured in Newsweek.

The writer of the article would includes bits about our peaceful townhouse community, the average household income and how with one toddler and a baby on the way we were already feeling the strain of this lousy economy and weak dollar. Now this. Now we join the ranks of so many others in this country and it is all a bit surreal. Already we have heard the "You'll be fine. It will all work out." comments about a million times. It's been under 24 hours and I already want to smack those who say, "Just think! Now he can find something completely new that he wants to do. This is a blessing in disguise." I can't help but grouse and ask myself sarcastically, "Oh. Really? Is is also a blessing in disguise that in a few weeks I will be an uninsured pregnant woman too?"

Yes, we are luckier than some. We have family that could help us out if we really needed it, though when my parents mentioned all the room in their Connecticut home I couldn't help but think of the real meaning there. We would have had to lose our home to move in with them. My mind cannot go there right now. We are lucky to live an area where jobs are not scarce and we have many connections. It is odd that today is the day we have the gender determination sonogram as well. I am struggling with this too. I feel as if we have already let this kid down. This moment is bittersweet. I realize that for not just my peace of mind and sanity do I need to stay positive but also for my husband and child. We will get through this. We will weather this storm. We have to.

Somehow though, at this very point in time, it feels much scarier than when he left for Iraq with no return date given.

Comments



Nicole said...


You haven't let this baby down,






Stay strong, my thoughts and prayers are with you.


Reply June 19, 2008 at 06:04 AM Mel said...


I'm sure everything you are feeling is completely normal. Forgive those who say it is a blessing in disguise because they do mean well, but I am sure I would want to punch them too. I think sometimes we just don't know what to say and feel this enormous amount of pressure to say something to make you feel better. All I can say is that I am thinking about you and your family and hoping things fall in place for you all. It is good to hear you looking at the positives of at least you have contacts and live in a place where jobs are around. Keep us posted!!!


Reply June 19, 2008 at 07:53 AM De in D.C. said...


What field does your husband work in? I'd be happy to submit his resume to my company if you guys think it would help.






Best of luck to your family. Just focus on growing that little guy, and keeping yourself healthy. You have a long time before you have to start worry about worst case scenarios.


Reply June 19, 2008 at 10:15 AM Leticia- Tech Savvy Mama said...


I hope today's sonogram went well and I don't think you've let the baby down. You are still the same loving family you have always been.


Reply June 19, 2008 at 10:43 AM JessicaAPISS said...


@#$%. There are not enough words we can't say in front of our kids to express how crappy this is. Emailing you the names of places that are hiring.


Reply June 19, 2008 at 11:10 AM Melissa said...


You are not letting the new baby down. Life happens, some things you can't control.






Its like rain, you know it will happen sometime, you just don't know when. To that end it is important to have an umbrella. You will pull through it, but it will for sure be rough. Probably it will get worse before it gets better. Just stick with it. A great resource that has been a help to me is Dave ramsey. You can check him out at www.daveramsey.com.






Get his book the Total Money Makeover. Read it, learn it, live it.






Me and my husband just paid off our last debt this week, and now we are saving up for our emergency fund. It feels great. Hang in there, and be sure to write and tell us how things are going.


Reply June 19, 2008 at 12:06 PM the Farmer's Wife said...


It stinks, truly it does. The FIRST time it happened to us was 25 years ago and we had a two-week old baby! It was what I call white knuckle time. It was scary and there was a possibility that the stress and insecurity on both our parts could have damaged our relationship. Be conscious of that and don't let it happen.






The first thing you want to do (although at first it seems counterintuitive) is to let EVERYONE know your situation. Literally tell everyone. I know it feels a little odd, like this is something that shouldn't be shared but letting everyone know gets the word out and believe me, you never know where a job prospect might come from. Tell your husband to pull out the stops on the networking avenues. Again, you never know who might come through, if not with a job they might pass his name along to someone else.






Dig in for the long haul. Pitch all luxuries. We cancelled cable, cut our entertainment budget and did lots of other things that actually saved us a lot of money immediately. He should also look into temp work in his field. That turned into one very good job for my husband. He was hired as a temp and they were so impressed they hired him on full time at a very good salary.






Accept help when everything else fails. At one point we got behind in our mortgage. He'd found a new job but there was going to be some "catch-up" time involved in paying on our bills. We accepted financial help from a family member which we repaid as soon as we could. We've also paid this favor forward, providing financial help when other family members needed it.






Think outside the box. My husband actually had to accept work totally unrelated to his field until something came up.






Never give up. Hard to say because it does get discouraging.






Now...at the beginning I used the phrase "the FIRST time". Yes, it has happened to us many times over my husband's long career. What we learned after that first layoff was invaluable to us. Listen to what Melissa said, because you will want to take steps so that you're never put in this precarious position again.






The economy has been in much, much worse places that this, believe me. We've weathered alot and so can you. Is it going to be easy? No. But you have no other option than to learn and grow. Keep us posted.






- Suzanne, the Farmer's Wife


Reply June 19, 2008 at 02:51 PM Cheryl Wenzel/New Mom Central said...


Arghhh...I hate this friggin economy and the oil and war mongers who put us here!






I hope he finds something soon. My heart is hoping with you and your family. It's easy to say 'be strong," not so easy to do sometimes. I say let the tears flow and the anger flow. Then get back up and do what you always do: deal with it and find a better way.






I don't know if this helps but one thing I do know is that every time I thought there's no way I will ever find a great job/relationship/house like this one, I have been amazed that I, in fact, always found one better!


Reply June 19, 2008 at 02:51 PM Victoria Mason said...


Thank you so much to everyone who has commented, offered advice, job tips and even asked for my husbands resume! We are both so touched beyond what I can say. Thank you!






We are lucky in that we do have an emergency fund and we had already cut luxuries because things were getting tight anyway. We both dropped our gym memberships today and we've pitched a lot of other things in the past few months too. We are firm believers in creating passive income so at least we have a tiny bit of that going for us.






I think the insurance thing really scares me and what would happen to us a few months out. I've been laid off and it was scary but I wasn't even married then.


Reply June 19, 2008 at 02:56 PM JillS said...


I'm right there with you... my husband was part of a structured layoff at his company (the first ever) of 10%...that was 2 weeks ago. This is the second time it's happened to us in 3 years, so I have a pretty good idea of how you're feeling. My little guy was 6 months old when my husband was laid off last time.






I agree with the earlier poster who said tell everyone you know. It can really make a difference.






Hang in there and know you aren't alone.


Reply June 19, 2008 at 07:01 PM mama speak said...


This happened to us when I was pregnant w/my first child, a month before I had her. It was the scarest thing ever. But in the end it was it really was a good thing. We got some great family time together and he ended up getting his dream job.


I know that and $4 will get you a coffee at Starbucks, but my point is that it'll make you stronger and hopefully put you in a better place then you are now.


You have to know from these comments that there are a lot of thoughts and prayers coming your way. Hang in there, it'll be ok, it always is...


Reply June 19, 2008 at 08:58 PM Andrea said...


I feel for you! Being in this situation feels so much worse when you have kids and another on the way. Sending you an email re: some job contacts.


Reply June 19, 2008 at 09:14 PM Kim/hormone-colored days said...


Been there. Done that. It sucks beyond belief. Ironically my DH looks back at his time of unemployement as one of the best times ever because he got to spend so much time with his litte ones (then 3.5 years and 6 months). I think with his rose-colored glasses he forgot that his former employee had stopped paying the med. insurance premiums and we were stuck without health insurance for a while.






It's a hard time, but it will pass.


Reply June 19, 2008 at 09:51 PM Amy@UWM said...


Sending you hugs and lots of energy and strength to make it through this scary and uncertain time. Wishing your husband the best of luck in finding a new job he truly loves.


Reply June 20, 2008 at 05:19 AM stef said...


I'd like to qualify the statement "tell everyone you know". Having been laid off before and professionally coached others post layoff, I have coached others to think through how and what you are going to tell others. Your network (everyone you know) and extended network (your network's network) are one of your most valuable resources to reemployment, but think through the message first so people know how they can best help you.






People will be happy to help. Sometimes the best help is information that can be exchanged...about an opportunity, or research about a company, who to contact, etc. Give them something specific they can help you with.






By organizing your thoughts, you can ask for the support you need. Your husband should craft his 30 second commercial about himself, what are his top 3 skills, what companies or types of companies would he like to target, what types of jobs or work is he looking for (is there a specific job title or type of work)? Think through and ask for the kind of support you are looking for: information, an introduction to someone in a particular field or particular company, info about resources or finances, emotional and informational support on this blog? You can also memorize the "commercial" and tell your network (as you've reached out here). Ask for an active response at the end of it, "if you hear of any opportunities for engineering work, can you let me know?" "Do you happen to know anyone who works at ABC company?"






Best of luck! We are all routing for you and your family.


Reply June 21, 2008 at 07:52 AM STL Mom said...


Oh, so sorry! My husband was laid off when I was 6 months pregnant with our second, and I had just given notice because I had decided to stay home with the kids. My replacement was already hired, although they did let me stay a few extra weeks to train in the new person.


We ended up moving halfway across the country (when I was seven months pregnant) for the new job, and althought it was very difficult at the beginning, it all worked out very well. We made friends through a mom's group I found online, and through the preschool my daughter attended.


I don't know about family time - my husband ended up spending as many hours job-hunting as he did at work. But I totally agree with telling everyone about the job hunt - you never know who will have a connection.


Reply June 22, 2008 at 03:26 PM Lawyer Mama said...


Oh, babe. I'm so sorry. What a crappy time for this to happen. (Not that there's ever a *good* time.)






I'm so glad you have so many contacts. The DC area is such a great place to job hunt. Your husband isn't by any chance a techie, is he? My husband's company is ALWAYS looking for great people.

On the Road Again

I woke up this morning in Cheyenne, Wyoming. No, this isn't some other installment of the Hangover. I don't have the stamina for that sort of folly these days. I like my sleep a little too much and a bit more than I like my tequila. Most days.

My first thought was not, "Cheyenne, shit"* but instead, "Ugh. I feel so distant from H." I could say that a note from a friend set off this train of thought last night which propelled me into more deep thoughts this morning, but the truth is that this has been weighing on my mind the last few days. If it is weighing on my lug-headed mind then I am sure H is feeling it too.

Have I talked to him about it? No. No, I have not. I've been traveling and in between that we have just been flat-out busy. It's not as bad as it was by any means, but we haven't been to counseling in a month and we haven't been doing our homework and we have put our relationship on the back burner and just been going on about our busy daily lives. I hate it. It shows. I want the serenity and constant back and forth back. I feel lost again and it bothers me more than I can say.

When I return we are home for a day and then off again, as a family this time. My hope is that the night time drive will give us time to talk as the kids sleep in the back seat. We don't need to go in depth, we just need to re-connect. To check-in. I guess we will always have to and that is yet another thing I am learning on this journey of marriage.

I'm calling 2011 the year of marriage betterment or something else that is more catchy but I'm feeling about as arid as Cheyenne right now not up to such creative heights.




*Bonus points if you get this reference to one of my favorite movies. You rock!

Recipe for a Great Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother's Day. In our house, predictable me, tends to ask for the same thing each year. No cooking, no dishes, sleeping in and a book.

Over the years H has created sort of a recipe for a very successful Mother's Day. He knows that a happy woman equals a happy house and a happy H. Do unto others and all that good stuff...

H's recipe for a great Mother's Day-

Tell kids in advance what Operation M-Day entails. Protocol is as follows: no fighting or screaming while Mommy is sleeping. Do not wake Mommy! Wake Daddy and do it quietly. Go into stealth mode in the morning, if needed.

We eat what Mommy wants to eat today. There will be crepes with strawberries and a pile of bacon so high you won't believe it. Many pigs gave their life for this breakfast. Thai food will follow.

If Mommy wants to be left alone in a silent house we will comply. Bags will be packed and we will leave Mommy to do her Pilates and Cardio Disco Dance on On Demand. She can shave her legs and dry her hair in peace.

If Mommy wants to visit her friends and sit for hours on her friend's deck drinking wine and eating soft cheeses with brownies "on crack" this is what she will get. Doritos being thrown over her friends deck is a nice surprise attack. Nice touch Secret Agent H. The ladies of the deck thank you for your service.

Upon her return we will present Mommy with gifts, adorable paintings made by small hands and cupcakes made sweeter because they were made with love. Thai food will be served in front of a viewing of Mad Men made possible by Netflix after the kids are in bed.

Thank you H, for such a truly fabulous Mother's Day. I know it was hard work to do it and every bit of it was amazing and appreciated. I loved it. You really know how to do it up right.

I love you.

Happy Birthday H!

It's H's birthday today. I wish there was a way to surprise him with an in-person birthday wish but that is a bit hard to do when he is in Hawaii for work. I wonder if paradise is just that when you are there without friends or family and you are in a hotel room last designed when Eisenhower was in office.

So today H here are my wishes for you-

If the Nats play today, I hope they win. (Hey, I can't be checkin' baseball schedules. I've got a blog empire to run and three kids to mold.)

You find at least one meal on that island that is memorable in a Diners, Drive-in's and Dive sort of way. No Kitchen Nightmare type establishments today.

Rock Star comes on the hotel room TV for you.

That you know just how much we love you and miss you and can't wait for you to come home. It's been a long two weeks without you!

Huzzah! Marriage Counseling for Everyone!

OK.  So I'm not giving away free counseling sessions or anything like that.  But I realized yesterday that frequently people ask me, "How is marriage counseling going these days?"  Yes, people do really ask me this. My most common reply is this, "You know, no one ever teaches you how to be married.  It's going really well. I don't know why more people don't do it."

It's true.  They say that what you see from your parents relationship imprints itself on you as the model for how relationships and/or marriage should be.  However, that is a faulty template.  You were a child not seeing the whole picture of that relationship.  Almost as if you were the Titanic seeing only the tip of the iceberg and not what was lying just below the surface.  As a child you were immature and could not process things in the same way and it makes for a skewed vision of that relationship.  Yet that is what you do take away and use later in life.  It's not complete. Your training is not complete either. 

You need a Yoda, if you will, to guide you and create a force in your marriage that builds up reserves and ways to handle your own unique relationship and personalities.  What works for some isn't what works for all.  Relationships are not one size fits all. Trust me, I see my friends and sometimes think, "Really?  You like that shirt?" or "You don't mind that your spouse does that?"  They truly don't mind that the other person does those things or acts that way.  They like striped shirts with polka dots.

We go to school to learn the basics.  We get on the job training.  It's all totally acceptable.  So why is their such a stigma about seeking help whether it is for your marriage, PTSD or some other problem you may be facing? 

Overheards- Toddlers with Knives

Scene:  The dinner table.  TD, The Comedian, H and myself are seated and The Fifth Element is on the floor playing with toys while we eat.

H:  "We don't hold knives over babies!"  He says to The Comedian who is swinging her table knife* over the top of The Fifth Element's head as she plays down below. 

Especially not at the dinner table.  It's just bad manners.


*All knives used in the making of this post were dull and void.  No babies were actually harmed in the making of this post. 

My Plans for World Domination

I received a text from H this morning reading,

"I don't know if you knew this but there are three open jars of marinara sauce in the fridge right now.  I think they have started breeding."

Upon receipt all I could think was, "Excellent! My plan is working! (insert evil laugh and much twisting of my imaginary handlebar mustache.)  Soon the entire fridge will be stocked only with marinara sauce and the world... will...be.... MINE!!!!"  (Insert more evil bwaahaaahaaaing here and rubbing my hands in glee.). 

Except that is the problem with texting and email. That stuff just doesn't translate and you end up sounding like some sort of crackpot.  

*image from smalldog.files.wordpress.com

The December 1st Countdown

Cross-posted and archived from DC Metro Moms. Original post date November 26, 2007. 

Growing up white candles dotted each window in our home on Thanksgiving day. When guests would leave we would turn them on and it was officially the Christmas season in our house. That weekend we would all head out to the tree farm and pick out the perfect tree. We would spend hours decorating it and putting up more lights outside. Our house quickly converted into a winter wonderland that wouldn't come down until after January 1. I loved every minute of it and it created beautiful memories for me as a child and an adult.


Now an old married woman I realize I have married the Grinch. How I failed to realize this I do not know. Each year the rules get more stringent than the last. First, it was simply that we didn't put up a tree or decorations until December 1st. This remains the number one rule to this day. This rule is unbreakable. Read that. Un-break-able. It is the Christmas season that brings out the dictator in my spouse. When my mother innocently asked him what he might want for Christmas a few weeks back he shouted, "It's not even Thanksgiving! I will NOT discuss this! Speak to me after December 1st." Er. Um. Yes, sir?

Nothing sets him on fire more than Christmas. He willingly admits that he is a complete and total Scrooge. When asked why, he spouts off a list that includes, materialism, hyper-consumerism, and greed. Fine. I can see that but not in our house. Each year I try to make the season bright. I fill it with love, baked goods, family, spiritual and fun holiday activities. I really work at making that tiny black heart beat red. Each year I feel that I fail. He only sees what he wants to see and that isn't what makes the feeling last all year, but the negative media frenzied mess that is played out live on CNN or FOX News each day. He only sees the sale flyer's coming through the door blanketed in red. He grouses about the lights and that no amount of Christmas cheer shall enter our house until after December 1st. We are not even to utter a Christmas wish, bake a thing, or even think Christmas thoughts.

What ends up happening is a total overdrive on my part. I overcompensate and my Christmas fervor goes nuts all the way until December 1st. And all in secret. Then I become Grinch like as well. I get so sick of the attitude from him that I just give in. Sure we decorate a tree but we don't sit and stare at the beauty of it. We just gloss over the whole season letting his decree be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Now that we have a child I want her to feel immersed in the season and the traditions and not be tainted with the negative all consuming parts of it. I choose not to dwell on that commercialized part. This year I decided to cut back considerably. I have barely uttered a peep about the iron-clad law of December 1st and my wish to break it. I simply stated that this coming weekend I would like to get a tree. Maybe if I just quietly set up the season without him, despite how sad that makes me, it will have an effect. He won't notice the wreath on the door or the advent calendar on the fridge. Maybe, just maybe, our tiny toddler will be our own Cindy Loo Who and make our Grinch smile.

Comments







J. Fergie said...


lmao!! ok, your husband and mine must be friends. i generally just ignore him and go about spreading holiday cheer all by myself. now that the kids are old enough to get excited, it's even better. maybe one day our hubbies will get in the spirit. heck -- even the Grinch loved Christmas by the end of the movie ;)


Reply November 26, 2007 at 02:37 PM Vicky said...


It may also be due to the fact that the man has an entirely unatural albeit hilarious fear of Nutcrackers. "Jaws should not drop like that!" He says and cowers.


Reply November 26, 2007 at 03:07 PM Living By Learning said...


I used to love Christmas cheer, but I'm starting to think like the Grinch. There is something unnatural about sleigh bells ringing in October. That said, doesn't your husband know that the law of the land dictates that holiday lights go up Thanksgiving weekend?


Reply November 26, 2007 at 06:55 PM Jean said...


Even though it's more "correct" to say that Thanksgiving is your favorite holiday, Christmas is my favorite. But even I won't put up a tree until mid-December. We do start advent calendars at the beginning of December and I start getting gifts together early too. But the day after Christmas, I'm DONE. My tree comes down the morning of December 26th.


Thankfully, my husband, a little grinchy himself, lets himself get caught up once the kids and I get excited.

Continuing Education

I feel I have been so serious lately.  I've been focused on getting back to work, getting back into shape, getting into being the mother of three instead of just two little girls.  It is all so time consuming.  Such a massive run around that has me dedicating a lot of time to my own endeavors.  I like it most of the time but it is certainly not balanced and it leads me to writing posts like this one. 

All the exhaustion has skewed life and made me less communicative too.  Surly, often times as well.  While it might not be totally balanced for right now I need to focus more on my relationship with H.  In the end things will balance out because they have to, but also because I will have the support I need from him.  He'll be more likely to give it if he feels it coming from me.

Relationships are such a continual learning process.  I feel like I have just found some giant book and cracked it open ready to learn its secrets.  It's more than what you put into is what you get out of it.  It goes beyond the advice "Sometimes it is 50/50 on both partners part but sometimes it is 90/10 and you have to know it will turn around again otherwise it isn't successful."  That's paraphrasing but true.  However, I suck at communicating when I have distractions (you know like three small kids, a dog that seems to like dropping shit nuggets 24/7 right now and oh, right life.) around me and that is something I really need to work on. 

Also?  Sometimes relationship rules and guidelines are like Groundhog Day.  You wake up and realize it's all the same as before but you still need to do it again.  Over and over again in order to get where you need to be.

For My Veterans

When 9/11 happened H and I had been married all of three days.  The 11th was his first day at work and he came home late that night to pack up his gear, just in case.  I knew what I had signed up for as a military wife, but so soon?  I could not fathom what was running through his mind at that point.

When H went to Iraq we didn't know when he would come home or if he even would come home.  It was just us in a dusty, desert parking lot hugging good-bye with the words, "Ok. So... I'll see you. Whenever." 

Not exactly words a young wife wants to hear.  We had been through long separations before.  Most of our dating relationship was spent apart.  He came home six months later. We were both exceptionally lucky.  It was hard for both of us to deal with the aftermath of him coming home from that war.  Yet,s we survived it coming out stronger. I still have no idea what it was really like for him. I never will. 

I grew up in a house with a Vietnam vet.  My grandfathers both serving in wars.  Great uncles as well.  War was not something that wasn't discussed. In fact, at the age of fifteen, when all I wanted to do was spend my spring break hanging out with my friends, my father told me to sit down with him. He wanted to watch a movie with me. A war movie.  Again? I sighed.  I felt like a veteran of war movies at this point between him and my grandfather.  Platoon, Bridge Over River Kwai, Hamburger Hill, Patton, Stalag 17, Full Metal Jacket, The Best Years of Our Lives.  You name it. I had probably seen it at least once.  What was going to be so different this time around? 

We watched 'Apocalypse Now'.  My father explained that this was what it was like for him while in Vietnam. It was the closest he could explain to me about what he went through. If you have seen this film you know it goes beyond any stories that he could have originally supplied me.  There was no eating tubs of ice cream on ship because it was all going to melt if you didn't eat it at once. No endless supplies of canned Spam or Corned Beef.  No slang words in Vietnamese.  Dingwa means telephone. This was no 'China Beach'.  No, this seemed real.  This was deeply personal and for a man who doesn't get deeply personal more than once in a decade I had better sit tight and watch this film from beginning to end. 

I sat wide-eyed as I watched it with him.  It's now one of my favorite films.  I looked upon my father in a different way when it was all over.  I was in awe of him.  To be seventeen and deal with this stuff.  No boys in my history class in high school seemed quite on that level of maturity or even risk or chance.  I wanted to know more.  Yet, I was too afraid to ask.  I knew I could never understand or even come close to comprehending what he had been through in his two tours of Vietnam as part of the Brown Water Navy. 

I am exceptionally proud of both these men.  They had vastly different experiences in each of their wars.  One was lauded when he came home, the other not even close.  They are both veterans and I honor them today and every day for the service and sacrifices they have made on our behalf.

Happy Veterans Day. I love you and I am proud of you.

Tomorrow is a Good Day

It can only get better I keep thinking.  Yet, as I drove out of the party store parking lot and it wasn't even 10 a.m. all I could think was, "Tomorrow is going to be a good day.  Today is what makes tomorrow necessary."  Tomorrow H gets the elective snip.  His Facebook status is all about jockey's and frozen corn.  All things needed for this much anticipated (at least on my part) surgery.  High fives all around from my sistah's!  Sorry, H. 

Today I got woken up at 5 a.m. by The Fifth Element.  I did the Night of the Living Dead walk to her nursery and fed her.  Half hour later, if that, she was up again.  S'alright. H's alarm had already been going off for the last fifteen minutes.  I was up.  I fed her again in bed and right after H shut the front door and I sat her up to burp her I was showered with an early morning, in the dark, all over the bed puke-fest.  In my hair, from my shoulders to my knees puke-fest.  Again, I ask- clean the kid, the bed, or me?  This seems to be a daily routine.  It went in that order. 

By the time we hit the preschool parking lot I had already dealt with flying bananas, a baby that wouldn't stop screaming, a cranky pants preschooler who pouted all morning about how the kitchen chairs were arranged and a toddler that wanted to lob sippy cups at my head.  Milk spray not optional.  At least I had showered right?  Eau de spit up and snot count as a fashion choice too, right?  Does Darth Vader offer up his services as a nanny?  I might need to look into that. The Imperial leader and his Dark Side grip might be the only way to reign in these troops. 

So there I was sitting at the light, in my car filled with a toddler who wouldn't stop squawking like a chicken (Bwak, BWOK!) for the last twenty minutes and a baby that wouldn't stop screaming and I thought, "Yes, indeedy! Tomorrow is going to be a good day."

Nine Years

Nine years ago H and I let a man we had met only five minutes before marry us at the Paris hotel in front of sixty-five or so of our closest friends and family.  We toasted with champagne, danced the night away and then bid them all good night as we took a long walk from Caesar's Palace back to our hotel in our wedding finery.  It's a memory I lovingly look back on every year. 

A few years ago I wrote this little tribute to us and while we have added in two more kids, still have that snake-bitten, scar-faced insane dog that no one pets anymore and still have a Tiny Dictator on our hands we are still in love despite midnight fights, feedings and more.

H, it hardly seems possible that we have been married for nine years and gone through so much.  I love you more today than I knew was possible as I stood at that alter all those years ago.  You are the only one for me. 

Happy Anniversary, Hon!  You are the bestest. 

Losing a Job- Like the Five Stages of Grief

Cross-posted and archived from DC Metro Moms.  Original post date July 25, 2008.

It has been one month since my husband walked through our front door suddenly unemployed. Laid off. One month of us spending time together as a family, having long, quiet talks about everything from the state of our finances, job searching and health insurance quandaries to who we are as a family.


During this past month we have frozen our gym memberships, eliminated contributions to our daughter's college fund and taken away all of life's tiny luxuries that we often take for granted when stockpiling unnecessary items at the grocery store, Target and almost everywhere else. It's been all about less waste and less consumption this past month and we are probably all the better for it. I have however noticed one small thing.

Losing a job is similar to the five stages of grief. Since December my husband knew that lay-offs were occurring in his company. He also knew that he was no longer happy there yet he was right smack in the middle of the land of Denial. He refused to believe that he would be laid off anytime soon. It did not matter how stressed out I became with the possible situation. He was like a petulant toddler. I could not rip the mask of denial from his eyes and make him see that he needed to begin looking for work elsewhere.

As more cutbacks were made and more people eliminated step number two kicked in, Anger. His refusal to see the situation in its true light turned into anger about the situation in general and about having to look for more work. Nothing could make him happy. There would be no standard talks or even pleas to begin finding another job. He claimed he just didn't feel "compelled or motivated enough" to do so. To say that the anger was his and his alone at this point would be an understatement. I was infuriated by this lack of "motivation". It was a bit like trying to get a toddler to do something they really don't want to do, like potty training.

Suddenly, once the iron fist of full unemployment weighed down on him he was on to step three lickety split. Bargaining. Here is where my husband promised that he would no longer work on our real estate investment company's business while doing his next job. It was the quickest of the stages and produced one of my favorite results. Less burnout on his behalf, no longer working two jobs, with me in no way capable of keeping up relieved a lot of stress from our lives. It also reminded me of the tactics my daughter uses just before bedtime. "One more story Mommy? I will go to bed after one more story, I promise..."

This brings us to stage four, Depression. I wish I could say this one was swift as well, but it wasn't. For about one day a week if not more a funk would set in, especially the first week, and my normally happy- go-lucky, talkative spouse would suddenly decide that living in our basement/cave was the best place for him. He would skulk around the house staying up late at night forever staring at job boards on the computer screen becoming almost green from the glow. Growling and grunting became his standard forms of communication followed by long periods of complete silence and staring. As companies began to notice his resume and he garnered interviews the depression lifted and he became a bit more like his old self. If however, he didn't hear anything for a few days post-interview, we were right back into the land of depression.

The final stage, Acceptance is the most gratifying when it comes to job loss. With it has come extreme motivation to find a new job and some actual job offers it seems. While we are not out of the woods yet, health insurance won't kick in until October 1 and my pregnant butt still has to rely on the uber-expensive COBRA plan, we have found that we have not only do we stick together like glue but we have been lucky in this unemployed situation. Oh, and one more thing. That the five stages of grief are also akin to one full day living with a toddler.



Comments






MamaBird/SurelyYouNest said...


I was on COBRA while pregnant too (blechhh). Made me think long and hard about how lucky I was to have health insurance at all. Great post - hang in there, I'm impressed by your sense of humor and taking it all in stride *as a family*.


Reply July 25, 2008 at 11:37 AM Karen Waters said...


My husband was fired from his job of over 15 years two days after Christmas. I was shell-shocked, but it turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to us. He opened his own business and is still running it successfully 8 years later.






I hope your husband's layoff turns out as positive as ours did!






Karen


http://findingme.typepad.com


Reply July 25, 2008 at 11:49 AM Andrea said...


You seem to be handling it very well, even while pregnant, and it sounds like some of the stresses are lifting. You're still in my thoughts.


Reply July 25, 2008 at 12:31 PM Liza said...


Ok, this post reminded me of why I love the Internet, and this community in particular.






Today marks the 2 week anniversary of my being told that I'm getting laid off, effective mid-September. C-section #2 is scheduled for 5 weeks from today, 2 weeks before layoff date.






Thanks for making me feel less alone.


Reply July 25, 2008 at 01:53 PM feener said...


ok, this post scares me b/c my hubby's company has been laying off for almost 2 years. he feels the pressure yet he has not sent one resume out. i have tried coaxing him...i always get 'i will soon' never to happen.


Reply July 25, 2008 at 03:08 PM BananaBlueberry said...


My thoughts and prayers are with you.






If it is any consolation- I know that I could not write such an eloquent and articulate post about my husband being laid off- while being pregnant.






Again, you have always been 'that smart upbeat mom' to me...






I'm thinking about you :)


Reply July 27, 2008 at 06:18 PM Vicky said...


Wow- everyone thank you so much for the continued support and belief in me and my family. It means so much and it makes me well up with emotion.






I guess I don't know how else to be besides trying to be upbeat at this point. I spent the months before the lay off sleepless and stressed over it's possibility and now there is nothing left in that dept. for me to give.

Two Kids, One Mom and a Junk Yard

"Um..yeah, if you could just pick up the plates and EZ-pass at the collision place tomorrow that would be great....." I have now succeeded in making H sound like Lumbergh.  I asked him if there were any other items in the car and he said, "Maybe a box. That's it."

So I went to the collision place today- eesh. On top of going to the grocery store, trying to get some work done- blogging and otherwise, building a volcano, calling the cable company, insurance company, doing laundry and cleaning the house.  I'm leaving this week for a business trip and there is loads to do before I head out on Wednesday.  I feel like I'm forgetting something. Right! The kids. I also made sure they didn't run in traffic, burn themselves on a hot stove, fight each other to the death and act like wolves.  OK, so they acted a bit like wolves and The Comedian did bite her sister. Again.  But they are still in one piece despite their whirling dervish of a mother.

H left out a few things though.  Like money.  There was money in the car.  An umbrella, a box full of CDs for work it seems, a glove compartment full of stuff including sunglasses and just a plethora of junk that needs to be sorted through. 

When I got to the collision center I told them I was there to pick up the plates for a '98 Corolla.  The receptionist looked at me as I shifted The Comedian on my hip and asked, "Do you need a screwdriver?"  Um..what?  "Why would I need a screwdriver?" I asked.  "To take off the plates" (insert the silent word, "Dumbass" here.)  I snarled smiled sweetly and said, "If I had known I had to take off the plates myself I wouldn't have brought two kids. I thought they were at the front desk with the keys and a box of stuff." More smiling on my behalf.  "Nope, it's all in the junk yard.  You have to go get them."

YES! Just what I wanted to do today! I totally woke up this morning thinking that I wanted to haul my four year-old and sixteen month-old into a junk yard of broken down cars, dirt, shards of glass and twisted metal.  Can I please? Huh? Huh? Can I?!  Luckily a manager stepped in and said, "Ma'am we can send someone out to get the plates." 

Which was true.  Except five minutes later I still had to claim my items as the mechanic unscrewed the license plates. I put both kids in the backseat of the Corolla and ripped apart the car collecting all the items H had left behind.  Then the nice man toted the box to my car for me too because after scrambling from the front to the back to the front to the back seats just to grab a squealing Comedian out of the car in my falling down materinty capris (WHY CAN'T THEY MAKE A PAIR OF MATERNITY PANTS THAT DON'T SHOW PLUMBERS CRACK?!) I sort of needed some help.  TD was content to run around in the dirt during this production looking at the various shards of glass and asking ninety bazillion questions about our impending doom via junk yard car or jagged metal.  To say that the phrase, "Your father...." didn't escape from my lips at least once would be a lie. 

I said goodbye to my old, trusty friend the Corolla and that was it.  The car that took me across country more than once is no more.  Tomorrow we pick up our new car that we purchased this weekend.  Another chapter closes as a new one begins. 

Overheards- The Old Bra

Scene: I am getting ready for bed and H, already snuggled under the covers, peers out at me.



H: Wow that must be an old bra.

V: Excuse, me? What are you talking about? I've worn this bra, like, twice. Ever.

H: Well, it's all see-through and worn out looking.

V: Oh geez. (I snort) You poor man! This is not an old bra, I just never wear it and it's not the super-nude or basic black ones I normally sport.

Two things people. One, even when I play things up with my bra I rarely choose see-through for daily use as it just isn't practical to me. I like a smooth line and not something that is going to show how cold it is or the exact shape of my areola, you know? Since this third pregnancy, I've discovered a great need for pretty underwear on a daily basis. I want coordinated, colorful, sexy pieces so I can feel less like an effin' breeder who should be quarantined to a nearby farm (organic only, please!) and more like me. Second, how sad is it that H can no longer decipher women's underwear?!

Then again, maybe that is a good thing.

 

Overheards- I'm Huge

Yesterday, I took the girls out for some play time with friends at an indoor play area.  While there a young woman struck up a conversation with my friend and me.  When she found out I was having my third she looked at me and said, "Wow! You are showing already!  You are going to be HUGE!"  I smiled through my teeth and laughed it off thinking, "Sweetie, I'm still smaller than you.  And ten years older."

Cut to this morning when H said to me, "You're my hot wife."  I smirked and jokingly asked, "Even though I'm already SO HUGE?"  He replied, "You're not that huge."

Excuse me, what?

He then said, "Wait. No, wait! What?! I didn't.  I'm so confused. It's still dark out, it's too early.  Don't get mad at me already...."

Well, if I'm huge now then wait until after this weekend when I become ginormous from all the candy I'll be enjoying.  Heh.

Paging Billy Blanks

Remember Tae-Bo? Billy Blanks sweaty, bald head bobbing and weaving as he "punched it out" via my VCR. Oh! Remember VCR's?


I digress.

I faithfully did Tae-Bo back when I was in college in hopes that I would build up some arm muscles. I no longer remember if I obtained those results. I think I only achieved those through Power Yoga a few years later.

I should probably break out those old tapes and find myself a VCR so I can try to brush up on "my moves" because today I will be taking my first boxing class. I recently won a free month at my local boxing gym and while I am a bit scared, it might be good for me. I can get out some of that holiday stress, work off that giant candy bar I ate yesterday and pretend that the punching bag is H's "holiday beard". Grrr... I hate that thing. It is as if we have added a fifth member of the family. I swear it is going to start talking one of these days. Every time it scratches me, I want to sedate H and shave it off. Preferably in a goofy pattern so that he will never grow it again.

Veterans Day

On February 15, 2003 I dropped H off in a parking lot. I fiddled with the necklace he had given me for Christmas only a few months before as I tried to figure out what to say to him. He stood before me, we hugged and kissed one last time and he said, "OK, so I will see you....whenever..." He smiled and I smiled but they were worried, nervous smiles. We knew that we had no idea when or if he would ever come home. Our future was a giant question mark.

Over the next six months I lived on a separate plane of existence. War was declared. Letters trickled in out of order. I lived for a dusty envelope to arrive in my mailbox. Flowers arrived for my birthday through H's best friend. I chuckle now that the florist sent yellow roses tied with a red, white and blue flag ribbon. At the time I was not amused. It felt ominous, not cheery.

When H was on the news one morning I called in a favor and got the tape. I had copies made for the entire family. The local recording company dropped them off personally saying, "We made you extras, we just wanted you to know how thankful we are for his service." When I forgot to start H's car for the duration of his absence the mechanic fixed all $800 worth of the problems for nothing. He simply said, "No charge ma'am. Tell your husband 'thank you'." The swamp cooler (that's the a/c for you non-desert folk) repair man came out of retirement because his son was too busy, did a rush job over a holiday weekend and made our house nice and cool because H might be coming home that weekend. It would be two more months before he felt that damp swamp cooler breeze.

When he finally did arrive, at 3 a.m., on a dark, black summer morning it was a huge relief. My office out in town had hung a giant banner welcoming him home. Our small town was so happy to see him and all the other troops on home soil. For now we wouldn't think about the future. Only that very moment.

It's not always such a warm welcome that has greeted our troops. My father received nothing of the sort. His sea bag of clothes was stolen when he arrived home. As a Vietnam Vet in the 1970's he couldn't find work simply because he served his country. So many of those men are lost soldiers even now that they are home and have been here for years.

On this Veterans Day we honor and thank them all. No matter what. Happy Veterans Day to all those who serve then and now. We thank you.


H & me at a family wedding in 2005.

My father when TD was born.