Family Hurdles

That song, "Momma Said" has been ringing in my ears today.  When I think of the line, "there'd be days like this," it has nothing to do and almost everything to do with the kids. 

After a year spent in marriage counseling, H and I have had more painful conversations and moments than I would really care to admit.  We knew it would be a hard road and uncomfortable subjects and realizations would come to light. I just don't think we knew how often and that we would still have them.  Marriage counseling for us has done many things but a band-aid it has not been.  It's more like reconstructive surgery and constant physical therapy. 

And to all that I say, "Fuck band-aids".  Who wants that?  That is not how to fix this.  Us. 

We have had those days, weeks and even months where it's golden.  We feel we are in a new era and more in love than before.  Que singing blue birds and rainbow farting unicorns. 

Then we have those flipping each other off behind each other's back times.  The midnight fights and refusal to even be in the same room with each other. The days where we both wonder, "Where is that person I fell in love with?"  They surely aren't under the pile of plastic My Little Pony parts.

Recently, the common thread we have found is the very fact that we have three children under five has worn us incredibly thin.  We are tired. We lack months worth of sleep.  The whining, not listening, nocturnal wakings, tantrums and lack of communication we have with each other without interruption makes it nearly impossible for us to keep a connection that we desire and sometimes really need.

Instead of feeling as if we are sharing the burden and in this battle we have kept separate, desperate vigils.  Instead of laughing over things we have kept score and decided to travel down a more rocky, desolate road.  Ridiculously stupid if you ask me, but then again no one ever said sleep deprivation makes you think clearly. 

I know we are lucky. We can afford to see a counselor.  We can afford sitters on occassion for nights out and we have many friends and a wondrful family who help us too.  It scares me that after a year of all of so much work what is undoing us is our inability to get out of own way and be a cohesive unit for our kids. 

The very thing that is at stake is what we are finding to be our biggest hurdle. 

Ten Years in the Making

After the year we've had I didn't think we would make it this far but we did it! *Victory lap and high fives for all* H and I celebrate our ten year anniversary today.

Ten years ago at 7 p.m. PST we said, "I do" in front of friends, family and a minister we met just ten minutes before. A half hour before the ceremony I had a bit of a freak out and had to have E get everyone out of my face for a moment and just let me breathe. The girl is still one of the only people I have ever met who can calm one of my panic attacks.

From desert living, skulls with eyebrows still attached, war and a few moves we made it through the first five years of our marriage largely unscathed. The next five years proved to be the real challenge. Three pregnancies, three births, three first years and no sleep. Multiple wardrobe changes (damn my need for that stylish maternity wear) and an ever expanding ass and thighs. New jobs, lay-offs, new careers and a business. Flipping houses, buying a drug house, making friends, creating a family and another move. It's been ten years of almost constant change and what has felt like sprinting through a marathon. We almost crashed and burned this past year but through the grace of God and Gottman we have survived.

I can truly say, Happy Anniversary H! I do love you more today than ever before. I am so glad that we made it work.

What No One Tells You About Parenting

I don't know what I thought it would be when we decided to take TD to a psychologist.  At first, I was just relieved that we would have someone to talk to about the tantrums and massive highs and lows.  Then, I became totally freaked out that they would say it was all about our horrific parenting (those free rangers man, you just can't let them breed!) and suddenly we would be watched constantly because why on earth else would these terrible tantrums be happening?!  Deep breaths. Breathe, Vicky.  Just breathe.

Instead I found a tall thin, kind-faced man who spoke in a happy voice that reminded me a lot of TD's own pediatrician.  It eased my fears and enabled me to take those deep breaths and feel that while last week we might have been at the bottom of a mountain looking up, today we have reached base camp 1 and we will leave it fully prepared to climb more of this behavioral mountain. 

Everyone says that parenting is hard. That is it exhausting.  That is takes up all your time.  When they do you think of the diapers, sleepless nights and teenage curfews.  You don't think about the possibility that your child might have a neurological issue that can be tweaked with diet or might in fact be hereditary.  You don't think that you will lie awake at night pondering each days events wondering just why she won't stop screaming. 

You don't think that you will realize that three out of the five people in your household are now in counseling and it will make you laugh out loud at the sheer craziness of it all.  No, no one tells you about that exhausting side of parenting.