Scene: I've just come home from an entire day of doing nothing but hanging out with an old friend. As I'm about to exit my car I spy H walking up the sidewalk to get the mail.
V: Now, there's a fine piece of man!
H turns and smiles and keeps walking. I enter our house which is quiet and empty feeling from a day of no one but the dog being home.
H: I'm a fine piece of man who brings home vodka and cheeseburgers!
Talk about perfection.
"What's drunk?" TD asked startling me. While she had been upstairs napping I was taking advantage of the quiet time to get in an episode or two of 'Freaks and Geeks'. Apparently she had been in stealth mode and watching the show with me for a bit.
Wonderful, I thought. She's three and already I'm having the conversation with her about drinking. I tried my best to explain that being drunk is when grown-ups sometimes drink too much wine or beer. It isn't good for them and we should never, ever get into cars with drunk people. EVER. To go into more detail than that would have been over her head. Right?
She looked at me, smiled and said, "Daddy has too much beer and then he is drunk! Then I have too much juice and then I am drunk!"
Thank goodness school is done for the year because I really don't want a phone call about that one.
"This is your beer Mommy. This is your beer. You sip it. Just sip it." TD holds out her Itty Bitty baby's sippy cup to me. It's just over a thimble full. I check the clock and it states that it is only 11 a.m.
The question to ask is: Do I start drinking now if my kid gives me permission?
I tell her thank you and she states, "Now, you don't have to share with Daddy."
She's generous and smart.
I can almost set my clock by that refrain. For the last few weeks H ends the day by saying, "You know what I'm excited about (insert source of future excitement here.)" and it's usually while I'm brushing my teeth or pulling back the covers. It can range from having Dash Two finally be here in our home to what the man is going to have for dinner the next day or even "relations" with the wife sans baby bump.
Well you know what I'm excited about?
1. Guzzling SBUX lattes with wild abandon. Have to start using all those gift cards people keep giving me for more than just apple bran muffins and lemon pound cake. Mm... lemon pound cake.
2. Being able to tie my own shoes, put on socks or even underwear and pants without almost falling over or needing assistance. TD should not be used for balance while I put on my ever tightening maternity jeans.
3. Kickin' "Frank" the body pillow to the curb. It's like having a third person in the bed and I've developed a love/hate relationship with that now ratty thing.
4. Brie. B-R-I-E smothered and covering me. Or maybe just a chunk the size of a ham hock and I can devour it all in one sitting without death rays from other people. My mouth is watering already just thinking triple creme.
5. Vodka. Chilled. Straight from the bottle whatever. In a lemon drop or other assorted ways. Just gimme the freakin' vodka, I won't quibble. Ooh and maybe a beer or five. Let's throw in some wine for good measure and sangria too because I don't care if its summer or not I need to make up for lost time.
6. Wearing pants. All day. Come 7 p.m. each night I suddenly get the "Jimmy legs" and I can't wear pants anymore without twitching and contorting.
And in only four more days, give or take a 24 hour period, I can have all these things! Huzzah! An induction date and time has been given. That being said, next Monday you will find two bloggers residing in this space.
Stephanie will guest post on Monday- she blogs at Where in the World and has some great stories to tell about being newly transplanted in Burundi.
Sarah of the Goon Squad will be here Tuesday gracing us all with her wit.
I'm still looking for other guest posts too so if you want to write in this space some time next week shoot me an email.
We Mom's sure are in the news these days. The cocktail playdate debate continues and just yesterday the Washington Post ran this article about Mom's playing Bunco on 'Mom's Night Out' and having a sip or two of chardonnay. The wine shown was actually the wine pictured above. Yes, ladies it really does exsist. Isn't it fabulous? First, 'Mad Housewife' wine now this one. I love it. It's kitschy yeah but who cares. It's like the perfect joke gift to give a Mom on your block.
Anyway, I digress, sort of, this whole debate about Mom's drinking on playdates or even drinking after the wee ones go to bed is so hot right now and I think it's nuts. It's as if women should be above drinking and we should always comport ourselves in some unrealistic stepford type way. I don't know about you, but the mere inkling of that idea makes me not only shiver in replusion, but suddenly feel hot and itchy. I run away from those types of women and fast. They creep me out with their expectations and ideals on what a woman's place is. A woman's place is whereever she feels it should be and not confined to one location or ideal. I'm not judging that type of person, it's just not for me and I don't like being squashed into a box or judged in turn because I'm not that kind of mother. So really who cares if you have a sip or two of shiraz while out with the girls. What's up with the Mommy police these days anyway?