Wednesday, December 12, 2007

I'm Suzy Homemaker?

I had a thought last night as I was drifting off to sleep. OK it was more like a series of thoughts that built up and whirled around in my brain with me alternately writing a post in my head and then falling asleep mid-sentence and forgetting the verbage for this morning, but nonetheless it was a pertinent thought.

My friend once told her husband that he needed to understand that while he goes to work each day and then leaves his boss when he comes home she as a stay at home mother never does. Her boss wakes her up each morning, blows through her "office" all day leaving a wake of destruction in her path, and continuously yells at her for reasons that we don't always understand. Would he like it if his boss did that to him? No. So some understanding needed to happen on his part.

Can I relate? ShippyMcflippyshadippy I can! It's been almost a year since I decided to make a go of this work from home/staying home with T.D. In this time my salary has obviously dipped below what it used to be. I never thought I was one to base my worth on my earnings or my job. Lord knows I did not view what I was doing for Company A as a career choice. It fell in my lap when I needed it and it was a good run while it lasted. It wasn't hard to give it up. It simply was not something I wanted to be do anymore or saw myself ever doing. In the last year though I've felt, to my surprise, that I fell I have less room to make decisions. Less of a right.

I sometimes feel that I live in a world with two bosses. My job well done is reflected on such 1950s type items some days that when dinner is not met happily it is like I'm getting a bad review at the office. It can be crushing. It can suck. OK it does suck. I'm not saying that H thinks he is my boss, I think I project that on him. T.D. does dictate most of how my days flow at this point and there is no way around it. I have no desire to drag a toddler to meetings or make her watch tons of television just so I can work a few minutes more. I made this choice to wake up to my bosses each day and sleep with one of them. I just never expected to feel that I have less say simply because I now earn less.

It makes no sense really. I have always earned less than H. Maybe it is that I never expected to feel so traditional? I'm traditional in that I like pearls and little black dresses and toile, but to feel that I'm the number one cook and cleaner now and that it is less of a joint effort blows my preconceived mind. H helps out but it is simply in a different way because I am home first and it just makes sense for me to do these things. I do however, miss those days when we would cook and clean together. I see myself doing too much for both of them sometimes too. I had to stop myself from putting a spoon in H's cereal for him like I do with T.D. each morning. I wanted to vomit in the sink when I realized that I almost did this. When did I become such a Suzy Homemaker? Should I just cash it in and enter a bake-off and start wearing aprons? Maybe today when I vacuum I'll wear pumps and pearls!

Is it really all my own doing? At this point I'm trying to get over this feeling of relinquished power. Am I alone in feeling this way? Do other women who have made this decision feel this way too? It leaves me with such a feeling of discontent and I don't want it to be a winter of that.

2 comments:

  1. Girl you are so not alone!!! I am just now learning how to spend a dollar without asking permission because I felt I had no right to make that decision. I felt I didn't earn it so it wasn't mine to decide. And I've been doing this for 2 years now. It's definitely a process to figure out your new role without loseing yourself at the same time. My new attitude is she who cleans it owns it!

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  2. It's great that you have the OPPORTUNITY to provide for other people. Obviously these people aren't helpless, but it's nice to be needed! I'm sure there is a line that can be crossed and where you become more like a slave...but being a homemaker is where it's AT!
    I just started a blog- feel free to visit and comment.
    www.homemakerchronicles.com/blog

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