Pffft... Who needs sleep?!

We don't need a new baby to give us sleepless nights. Nope. We have T.D. a.k.a. the Sleep Torturer. Just like her name, the Tiny Dictator, she has blossomed into a czar who makes sleeping four hours in a row seem like bliss.

For example:

I pass out at 7:30 p.m. last night. Lucky me. Sleep when baby sleeps right? Except baby is two and not napping in the afternoon and throwing a Goebbels-sized fit about going to bed. Somehow though the pregnancy hormones make it impossible for me to stay up any longer. I wake up two more times before 9 p.m. and officially turning in.

11:13 p.m.- The dictator arises. She is dissatisfied with her bumble bee blanket. How dare we try to provide extra warmth with such an inferior blanket. Rather than kick if off herself she just wails until we take it off.

I shuffle back to bed.

12 a.m.- Crying again. I open the door to her room and find she is A-OK. It's just a drill apparently. Kick ass.

I shuffle back to bed and trip over a dog bone.

2:32 a.m.- Screams can be heard from across the hall. T.D. is wet and highly pissed. No pun intended.

H stumbles back to bed after changing her.

We slumber for three blissful, uninterrupted hours until....

5:47 a.m.- Terror grips me as it sounds like a wild animal has attacked my child. Actually it is just thirst. She wants milk. At 5:47 a.m. I oblige if it will buy me more sleep.

6:42 a.m.- Awake again. The milk untouched, no diaper change needed the dictator is severely displeased with the book and toy selection in her room. Music is not acceptable either. I want to slam my head into something hard enough to deem me unconscious and therefore unable to deal with any of this. A pounding headache is beginning as is a cold. H snuffles in bed with the dog who both sound like a cold is imminent for them as well.

I lay in bed pleading for silence when at last it occurs until...

7:15



Today is the first of my birthday festivities and while I'm excited I just hope I can stay awake. Especially after having to take a meeting today and then driving everyone around tonight. I'm exhausted just thinking about it all.

Things That Go Bump in the Night

H had to go away for the night and while I'm not the best sleeper I particularly dread sleeping alone. Even with an alarm, dog, close neighbors and more. Chalk it up to bad experiences and I'm a safety freak. However, last night I was calm. I went to bed early, all sleepy and ready to snooze away. I shut off the light, tucked myself in and burrowed under the covers with the dog. I was relaxed. I was tired and ready to drift off comfortably.

Then IT happened.

The bed began to shake. I heard a weird rapping sound as the entire bed shook.

WTF?!

I lay still and figured it was the dog shifting in the bed. She was after all still snoring loudly next to me. I closed my eyes and started to drift off again.

The bed shook harder and my bedroom doors began to rattle. There was that tapping/knocking noise again too!

Seriously.

WTF?!

I waited a beat for Ashton Kutcher to come out from somewhere telling me I'm being punked.

Nothing.

I turned on the light, sat up in bed and just sat as still and quietly as I could and listened.

Nothing. Not a sound.

Quietly, I got up, left the room and the still snoring dog and went into T.D.'s room. Sound asleep. I checked the guest room, bathroom, looked out at the front yard and then the back yard. Nothing. Total darkness on my street save for the lone lamp posts in all our yards glowing steadily. Was I the only one who felt this and heard that? It was like an earthquake. Except for that rhythmic tapping freaky thing.

With my pulse racing I plodded downstairs to check things out further. I crept around the house and found nothing amiss. I heard nothing. I went back upstairs and stole into T.D.'s room again. I watched her sleep and contemplated having her sleep with me. Something she has NEVER done no matter how hard we have tried. Never. Even as an infant she just wouldn't sleep with us. I quietly scooped her up blankets and all and carried her to my room. Somehow, I managed to tuck her in with me and the dog without waking her too much. After I turned off the bedroom light and turned on the bathroom light I settled in. For a very long night.

While the shake, rattle and roll portion of the night was over I could not get back to sleep. I lay there for an hour before drifting off into a very fitful sleep. Around 3 a.m. I got socked in the head by a flailing T.D. At 3:34? Head-butted. Twice. The dog kicked me. T.D. kicked me. Many times. I finally drifted off around 4 only to be woken up bright and early with, "HI MOMMY!" from my well-rested daughter.

The day had begun.

And to think I'm hosting Girls Night tonight. Maybe I can score some uppers from some other sleepless woman at the gym today.

Game Plan? Sleep

I found myself getting slowly irritable yesterday as I repeatedly circled the aisles of my grocery store. When I saw the tenth endcap of salsa and chips and felt a white hot rage I realized there might be a problem.

By the time I got home this irritability had turned into a zombie-like state and all I wanted was some cool darkness and a nap. I entered my house and it was amazingly enough completely quiet. Bliss! Then I shut the front door and found I was mistaken. No, everyone was not asleep like I thought and hoped. Dreamed, really. Everyone was awake. I explained my state to H and told him it would be best if he went for a run and that I was putting T.D. down for a nap. Please do not disturb. I was on the verge of turning into a beast.

It is official. I have insomnia.

As I type this I am already thinking of tonight's quest for sleep. What's my strategy? My game plan. Drugs or no drugs? Is it time to bring in the big guns and speak to a doctor and beg for some heavier meds? OTC's have not been cutting it lately.

Since I was a child I go through stages like this. Sleep becomes elusive. When I was little I would just read. I would read until the sun came up. No longer possessing the energy of a ten year-old I now just lie awake and wait. I toss. I turn. I shift pillows and cover up only to find that minutes later I cannot stand the pillows or the blankets. My side of the bed is a tumulutous mess of tangled sheets and frustration.

I am so tired right now my insides are trembling. It is 7 a.m.

My body aches.

I look at my bed and I want to tear up the pillows in rage.

Five minutes later I feel the urge to lay back down and calmly caress the sheets.

When I go to bed at night I have the best intentions. In fact, it was not until last night that I realized the pattern. Broken sleep becomes no sleep. I lie there trying to nod off but every noise, shift in the bed, air flow change and more becomes painfully obvious to me and my body just stays awake. My mind begins to toss random images out that keep me from simply closing my eyes and heading towards actual REM.

Hillary Clinton with rabbit teeth. Extremely large rabbit teeth and she is not cute bunny.

Visualizing myself sleeping peacefully.

Hillary Clinton in polka-dotted power suits chopping wood. WTF?

I think of all I need to do the next day, this week and then try and block it all out.

I fall in love with my blankets.

I hate my blankets.

I think of sleeping as soon as I wake up now. It is at that point. I make pacts to nap. I promise to head to bed at 8 p.m. and yet I never do.

My game plan for tonight: To conquer this insomniactic beast that makes me a cranky, miserable drooling mess during the day.

How will I do it? I have no freakin' clue. All I know is that I cannot take one more night of visions of Hillary dancing in my head.


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Sleep...Mm... Divine

It's amazing what a fantastic date night and a good night's sleep can do. Yesterday I was fully on my way to a ride on the JC (think Mommie Dearest) train but after a fun girls lunch with my MIL and a bit of work in the afternoon I was on my way to feeling less edgy.

Add in a great date night of yummy Thai food where the restaurant was full of candlelight and twinkly lights and my mood was fixed. I didn't even imbibe anything harsher than water and some soda. Amazing. By the time H and I hit the movie theatre I was in full pre-baby date giddiness. I knew we needed time together but I didn't know it was that bad. Thank God for family! I didn't even care that the film, No Country for Old Men, was so adrenaline pumping and full of tension which I had totally nixed originally. I just wanted light and laughter. Yet, that tension and suspense was so good I didn't care.

Then... it happened. A night of blissful sleep. No snoring dog woke me up with her old man like hacking and snorting. No tiny dictator teething away in her toddler bed beckoned me. I just slept. I slept until I woke up. And not the first time I woke up either. It wasn't the 10:30 of my youth wake up, more like 7:15, but it was heaven. Today I'm a woman renewed. The sunshine vs. gloom is a nice added touch. Sleep apparently cures a case of the Mean Mommies.

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Wait! Don't go! Relieve some of the holiday stress by reading this post. I laughed until I cried. Then perused it again. Thanks Lindsay you rock!