Monday, June 30, 2008

Let's Talk Graco, Shall We?

While I think that Joeprah said it best and the most comprehensive and Kelcey and Sheila were very funny with their portrayals and photos, which I am ashamed to say, I have did not take. Many of you have asked- "Just what the sam hill were you doing over there in Hotlanta with Graco?!"

Well, aside from being treated like a rock star or royalty, seriously this lowly blogger had no idea it would be that good, Graco and LBi could not have been more helpful, generous or easy-going while we did the whole Car Seat Campaign shebang. After a day of pampering and good eatin' we arrived on the set early on Wednesday morning. First things first, I got a bit of hair and make up done as well as a wardrobe change. I quickly found that while I don't know jack about installing my own car seat Graco was more than happy to teach me the in's and outs of their TurboBooster seat and its installation.

I can now install that sucker like a Price's Right model. Though really? I suck at latching. I had a lot of re-takes.

Next up, I did my voice-over so next time you log on to the Graco site and want to know how to install that booster seat you can not only see me clicking and locking it into place all easy-peasy like you can also hear me explaining it all to you and only you. How fun is that? It was loads of fun actually.

Finally, at the end of the day I did my interview. You know, the part where I discuss how our family gets on the road and travels to grandma's house. I waxed poetic about motherhood and how it has not made me all nurturing and such. Told funny stories (to H & I) about things T.D. has done in the car and then as quickly as I arrived in Hotlanta it was over. Poof! I was loaded in to a town car and Kelcey and I were headed back up North. In full make-up.

HD-TV style make-up. My on-screen gorgeous clearly did not translate well as I got quite a few startled looks from passengers on the plane and in the airport. I looked like Tammy Faye by the time I landed in DC. Complete with the mascara smudges and all.

The whole trip was tiring but a blast. I feel so honored to be a part of it and would LOVE to do it again. You hear that baby gear companies, car companies, whatever and where ever you are? I Would LOVE to DO IT AGAIN.


Since it's vacation time for this family I'll be back again soon. I'll post pics of my dangerous vacationing eating habits and make you wish you too had a clamcake to munch on. Until then, click on my ads- it's my only source of income right now. You think I'm kidding...

Friday, June 27, 2008

Dude, It's Just Heavy

Focus.

Regroup.

Communicate.

All things that swirl around in my brain and that H and I need to do since his lay off last week. While it has only been a week in some ways it feels like a lifetime. The man is working his butt off on the job search and has come to the conclusion that he isn't sure if he wants to stay in his current field which leaves us to -

Focus, communicate and regroup.

We are going away this week for our planned vacation in sunny, beachy New England. While H feels incredibly guilty and embarrassed at the fact that he is taking a vacation while jobless this trip could not come at a better time. We'll be staying with my family so it's free and the grandparent childcare will give us the time we need to -

Regroup, communicate and focus

on what our next steps will be with our entire lives. Do we can the house flipping business for now? Does H stay in his current career? WTF is going on with mine and should I just cut myself some slack and take a bit of a breather? Enjoy the summer and this impending birth? Possibly so. I know that if I do that I need someone to tell me it is OK to do that. I can't seem to just make that decision myself without my Type-A persona kickin' my ass and telling me I'm a lazy so and so.

All this makes life incredibly heavy. Way heavy. The fact that no income is coming in makes life feel like a giant clock ticking away. The grains of sand in the hourglass are the days of our lives indeed. And insurance coverage.

As a couple we need to do the three things I keep discussing. Right now we are just not in sync with each other. Each one feeling that the other wants nothing to do with the other one. Each one feeling neglected and put upon. We are becoming scorekeepers and that is just not cool man. As H said, "It feels like too much effort right now." Isn't it that way in a relationship at various points? I believe so but that does not make it any easier when you are smack in the middle of that point in your relationship. I often think of Ronald Reagan's marriage advice, "A couple should be 50/50, but sometimes that is not possible and one partner will be doing 90 while the other 10. If a marriage is working both partners understand that inevitably that will flip flop and eventually right itself to 50/50 again." I'm para-phrasing but they didn't call that man the Great Communicator for nothing.

And Dash Two. My feelings about this new child have been a disaster of emotions from day one when I was excited beyond belief to the dismay and unbelievable hurt I've felt at the lack of excitement and downright disappointment this child has had in our extended family. Sorry, we don't make boys, but um... could you fake it perhaps? I already feel like a burden about having a kid while we are both not working. I don't need to feel that its not wanted. I want to be excited but its hard when I still get sick almost daily and am more tired than I've ever been in my life and feel that this child is an afterthought. To combat this, today I did what they say is such a faux-pas- I registered.

Yes, I know. No showers for second babies. Especially, if you have the same sex already. Bite me. This kid needs to be lauded and if making an online list helps me get excited and organized so that I can keep track of what we need, then so be it. While I can often be all about the etiquette there is also a time to break the rules. Now is that time.

Summer time and the livin's easy...I wish.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Ah, Reality!

While Atlanta and all it's pampering was fantastic and Graco could not have treated us better, it is good to be back home.

OK, so maybe the immediate dose of reality as soon as I landed in D.C. was not actually what I was looking for but still... Did I really need to be reminded of H's job search and unemployment frustrations as soon as I got to baggage claim? I'm already well aware of them. It is all I think about. Note to self: Do not call home immediately. Take the route that H does when traveling and just show up at the front door. Much more relaxing.

Also, when I plunked my bags down at the front door and Lex, the dog, shot out outside like a rocket? Yeah, that was a smack of reality right in the face. Especially when the town car driver narrowly missed running her over no less than two times. I had to run out the front door in my giant wedge-heeled shoes nearly breaking my neck on the front steps shouting, "WAIT! NO! STOP!!!", quite a few times before he did actually wait and come to a full stop. Meanwhile, Lex managed to narrowly miss his back tires as she sprinted across the street. Panting, breathless and fearful my maternity pants would end up at my knees I scooped her up and headed back inside thanking the driver for not inflicting a rather large vet bill on us at this particular time. Seriously. We won't have our own insurance soon we can't afford doggie insurance!

The reality of being home was much nicer when T.D., fresh from a bath, ran down the stairs shouting, "MOMMY!" while giggling and jumping up and down with her Nick Nolte hair all, well in place for the full Nick Nolte look.

So while I loved being pampered and treated like a rock star it is nice to be home. I'll fill you all in later with the details of my business with Graco. It was a blast!

I have to go clean up oatmeal off the floor, table, window and tackle the laundry monster. It's been sulking in the corner for a day or so. I think it missed me.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

On a Car Seat Campaign

Well, after being buffed, painted, massaged and fed many yummy treats (Can I eat just one more croissant? My thighs! Oh my pregnant touching thighs!) I am apparently going to get to work today. Graco has thoughtfully taken care of everything the last few days, and in quite a quick fashion I must say, and now it's time to get down to bizness.


I'll be installing a car seat for demonstration (um.. I don't even do this in my own life. If H is out of town I have to call a neighbor. For reals y'all. Ooh look I've turned southern after only two days in ATL.) and you'll all eventually get to hear my funny anecdotes and parenting "advice" or tips along with some other really cool bloggers.

Let's hope I don't hurl from the excitement. Really. I could and all over some lovely Graco gear.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Crikey, This is My Life?

After a grueling flight filled with Lost episode one like turbulence and me almost puking up my gummi bears more than once. I am in Atlanta (Hey! Atlanta bloggers!). And really? I'm trying to relax. Because, um... it is all anyone can tell me to do and with the treatment I've been getting I should be able to but it just feels so foreign to have so much free time and pampering. I mean seriously.

A rundown...

Actually watching the Bachelorette in real time will eating french fries with creme brulee. It's a must try dish.

Reading more than one page in a book without being asked to do something or where something is? Unheard of. Am loving it.

Realizing that not all drivers who arrive at my house to take me to the airport and look like this are indeed not assasins and out to kill me. That's a nice bonus.

In-room massage? Yes, please!

Noticing how much crap is on TV in the early morning is not priceless just useless. Why is Al Roker reporting on celebrity Family Feud and since when are Dog the Bounty Hunter and his wife actually considered celebrities? If that is the case then um.. so am I and I should be on Family Feud any day now. Does anyone still watch Regis and Kelly? How? While I like cranky old men, I cannot stand the insipidness that is Ripa. Blech.

They are either working on the room upstairs and renovating it or someone really likes to travel with their saws, drills and roll billiard balls across the room.

Must stop thinking each time I get a massage that the masseuse is going to do a grab, twist, pull or five fingers of death move on me effectively ending my life. Am I paranoid or what?

I leave you with this. If you can get through the whole thing, you deserve a medal. To me, it sounds like a bag full of cats going through meth withdrawal.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Competition for the Cruises?

The transformation was almost complete. Three inches had been lopped off my hair and the Gwyneth look was being ushered in. The bangs had indeed grown out. Just in time too because I'm headed to Atalanta this week for a work thang and wanted I my hair to look it's shiny best.

Then the unthinkable happened.

Fringe.

Just a bit. Um.. OK, that's fine I suppose until my stylist took out a large chunk by accident or what, I'm still confused. I screamed, "WHOA! WHOA! WHOOOAAAH! What are you doing?!?! WHAT just happened?!" She looked at me in horror and realized that she had gone and taken out too large of a chunk. She claimed she could fix it and I braced myself, white knuckled in the chair. I knew what was coming. Gone would be the cut I had taken a year to achieve. Ushered in would be the cut that I had painstainkingly grown out in the last year. The hair style I loathed the most. My BP escalated as I watched more fringe being cut in and my long hair now being reduced to just the back. Yick. I was left with what reminded me of the Florence Henderson 'do.

I would not cry.

Suddenly, it was clear. The only way to fix this mishap would be to just cut it all off. I would go from cutting off three inches to six. Oy. Not the look I was trying to achieve. There are a couple of reasons I'm uber-sensitive about my hair. Not only is it tough to grow out but my hair is like a talismn. When I was a gawky teen with longer hair I had some issues, shall we say? My hair was one way certain people exerted their control over me. I left the smallest state in the country to get away from this person and still with about eight states between us the problems continued. I promptly transferred to another university and spent the first week skipping around campus Julia Roberts-style a la Sleeping with the Enemy. It was then that I cut my hair. I turned myself into the platinum blonde cute (a term I loathe. I would rather be called a C. U. Next Tuesday) college coed.

In this new 'do I seemed sunny on the outside but the angry, man-hating and fearing girl who was never anything more than cute (think 5 year-olds, bunnies, fluffy clouds, giant lollipops and the color pink.) was roiling away in a dark, twisted mess on the inside. I wanted a WWF style smackdown cage fight with the world. I raged often breaking glass in my sorority house parking lot just for the release. I went to group and one -on-one therapy. It too me years to get over that earlier mess. I felt like I had been through a war. I worked so hard to emerge a woman who had no bitterness and hate. A woman with self-esteem. What transpired was a the person I am today with longer hair. Hair that I could put in a ponytail if I so chose and no one was going to tell me to take it out and cover my face and neck with it. Hair that suddenly removed me from the realm of cute and illicited compliments of 'beautiful, or heavens to mercatroid! 'hot' and even 'sexy'. I felt transformed.

Cutting my hair back into the short hair cut I realized does not just make me frustrated that now I actually have to style it each day vs. putting it up when I need to be out the door quickly or like the average suburban housewife, it feels like I just killed a part of me that was very vital. I don't see the woman I've become in the mirror right now. I see the girl who fought so hard to get away from so much pain and misery. I don't like that too much, it reminds me of too many hard times.

What can I say? As pathetic as this may all sound, because I know it is just hair and it will grow back, I guess I really am like Tony Manero, "I work really hard on my hair."

But Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise?



You have some competition.



Now if I can only get it to look that good each day...

Friday, June 20, 2008

A Bit of a Bikini Rant

After I had my suspicious mole last summer I was told by some that the bikini would be no more. At least for me. I balked at this. When the comment was quickly followed by the classic, "Besides you are a Mom now. You don't want to be one of those Moms who you see at the pool wearing a bikini...."



Excuse me what?! I wanted to breathe fire.



While I may not have the body I did when I was 24, I have spent a fare share of my time at the gym toning and cardioing my butt off well into my 30's and not just because I want to look swimsuit ready but because I like how I feel after a good episode of sweating. I refuse to go up a size with each child. Yes, I had a child and my body changed but I'm still a size six! I'm proud of that fact. Quite frankly I don't feel comfortable in a one piece. I'm long in the torso and I suspect that walking around the pool with a case of massive camel toe would be a bit worse than if I wore a two-piece and my thighs don't look like that of a 12 year-old girl or baby giraffe.



Besides, has anyone seen some of the teens at the pool lately? I hate to say it, but um... they could do with a dose of gym time and the total overhaul and tearing down of a body that pregnancy can do. Some of them need some tough gym love. I don't feel quite so bad about myself when I see that my stomach is far flatter after one kid than some of the teenage girls at the pool or even the lifeguards. So why can't I rock that bikini I ask?



Another thing while I'm at it, because for some reason I don't see this so much in my neck of the woods. I'm sort of small but curvy girl. I'm 4.5 months pregnant but my stomach is like a cantaloupe right now. I tried on that giant tent of a maternity swim suit. I bought it with good intentions. You know the kind that is supposed to mimic a tankini? No, I don't even wear that no matter how many times I'm told I could by other Moms. I loathe that wet suit feel on my stomach and I have abs - I'm showing them off dammit! That suit made me feel like a giant crow. I was covered and looked about 40 pounds heavier. I dug out my two-piece and felt much more comfortable. Yes, I was glaringly white and might have blinded a pool patron or two that first outing, but I was happy to note that for the first time I was asked when I was due by even the clueless male lifeguards. I was told by some of the rather nice Moms out there that I looked terrific and amazing too.



Now if that doesn't help a pregnant woman out what does?



And that's my rant in favor of the bikini.




Here I am in Jamaica seven months after having T.D. It's not a full body shot but it is the best I could do. Now really? Granted I'm much 'rounder' now but I still stand by my right to wear a bikini.

This post was written for Parent Bloggers Network as part of a sweepstakes sponsored by BOCA and their new Balanced Living group. It is all about eating better and living better, bikini lover or not.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

These are the Days of Our Lives

I have been trying to formulate in my head how to begin this post and nothing comes to me. I wrote about it here at DC Metro Moms first and it felt like a great release. It's scary times people and who knows what will come next.



Then, today as I was looking for blog fodder. Anything to post beyond what is actually going on in our little world, I took a trip to Christina's blog and read this post. Well, if that doesn't just beat all. My roomie for BlogHer is going through the same thing! Only their news hit their little world one day sooner than ours. This country is a mess right now is it not? Is this our generations version of the Depression? I'm beginning to think so. Everyone I know is affected from a waiter and actress in L.A. to friends and family in New England.



Bear with me in the next few days, weeks and months as I try to make light of our situation and find the humor in it all. Because, hey! it is hilarious to not have insurance when you are pregnant right? It is super fun to be frugal I'm told and while we've been living that way for a while I think it might be a bit different now. I'll try not to be too morose.



Maybe I'll just talk about my new and yes, late obsession with The Wire and bombard you with tales of the 'hooker' on my block. Who really I think is not a hooker at all but just a girl renting a room with a red streak in her hair and heaven help her for not looking like the rest of us. Either that or you'll just have to listen to me wax poetic about making casseroles from a potato, magic shell and six Frito chips.





On the lighter side: MPR is holding a giveaway until Sunday, June 22. Just add a comment and you are entered to win a Soapier set of Lush body wash and body lotion!

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Dash Two, We See You

What is it about having that second child that makes you not just less neurotic (I did briefly worry about having a child with eight limbs, but that was only because the waiting room would not stop playing the story of the kid with eight limbs. Real helpful people! Real handy!) but also just even more forgetful if that is possible.

Consumed with the T.D. and trying to actually make an appointment on time I completely forgot to bring my handy doctor's slip saying it was A-OK for me to actually have that sonogram today. Just in case, I was thinking of hanging around the imaging office for kicks as we pregnant woman are wont to do. Luckily, H was able to drive home right quick and pick it off the fridge and skedaddle back to the doctor's office.

And another thing, I don't know about you, but why is that all customer service reps be it on the phone or in person no longer speak above a whisper? Seriously. Yesterday, at the bakery as I tried to order a cake the woman did not get my business because I could not hear my cakey options. I just ended up walking away. Same thing at my mute CVS pharmacy where no one dares speak any words of which we do not speak. Or anything at all for that matter. Then today, the receptionist at the sonogram place. The dude would not talk louder than a gnat with laryngitis.

Off my Andy Rooneyesque rant now, I do have news. For a full half hour or more we got to see this new bean. Dash Two didn't really feel like showing her face but in the end we got some very clear shots.

T.D. will now have some competition in her efforts to win world domination and H will be living in a sea of estrogen from here on out. He has already asked for a male dog and realized that the gaggle of teen girls he has seen being chaperoned at various places by a tired looking middle-aged man is now in his future.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

The U.S. Economy is Kicking My Ass

The hours between 1:30 and 4 a.m. are when I can typically be found lying awake wondering about all the 'What if's'. The 'Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda's' too.

When I think back to when H & I made the decision for me to quit my corporate job and jump off that career path (um... wait, was that a career path? It felt sort of empty and meaningless to me. Drone-like actually) and into full-time Mommyhood and a fledgling writing career I was full of optimism. That optimism can still be found most days when I get an award, such as this one, or I am asked to do something fun like fly to Atlanta or head to some other city for work and I am actually paid to do that work that I love so much.

I remember how at the time, it was my job or our marriage. I stay home and try to write and make a bit of money or we were headed towards statisticville. The Big D. It was not an ultimatum, but a choice we both made and we were happy to do. Now, almost five months pregnant, with little work on the horizon and this sucky economy that leaves many jobs hanging in the balance, I wonder if I made the right choices.

The What If's Include:

What if I kept working? Would we have been able to stay married and sucked up our existence or are H & I really that into not being part of the whole system? We are dreamers, both of us. I see that now. Dreamers have a hard time just having a job and punching that ol' clock. It's like putting a square into a circle. We can do it, but usually it is with disastrous results.

What if we just sucked it up?

What if I shopped at the Dollar Store and threw away my beliefs for a while and sucked up the toxic $1 chemically-laden products they sell there?

What if when H tells me that I should spend the day doing something fun and adventuresome with T.D. rather than looking for work or trying to work I listened? It is awful hard to do that when the grocery and gas bill just keeps escalating.

I can't even go on, it isn't between the hours of 1-4 a.m. so my mind can't handle this with only a minor amount of caffeine.

I do know this though. The birth of T.D. somehow gave me the ability and confidence I had previously lacked to pursue my dream of becoming a writer. It was in looking at her that I wanted to have that passion realized and let it come to fruition. It was not something I could continue to squelch.

The 'what if's' no matter how ugly and nagging are going to have to be put aside. Too bad pregnant women can't take sleeping pills, the ones with continuous release.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Unexpected Surprises

This weekend was full of unexpected surprises.

From pee on the floor not once, not twice and no, not even thrice times! Ah, potty training in all its glory....

To family dropping (if you all had a blog, I would plug you!) by for a casual dinner and watching our girls play.

To Graco extending an offer I could not refuse. Details to come later.... is the suspense killing you? It is for me.

To Father's Day spent scouting out the sights at Mt. Vernon. Educational fun with sullen teens serving ice cream! Kick ass! Actually it kind of was. I thoroughly enjoyed visiting the father of our countries home- finally. I mean, I've lived 15 minutes from it for almost five years and never gone. Eesh! And to everyone that was there? I wasn't really going to push that old broad off the cliff to get a better shot of the Potomac. Really, I wasn't.

And lastly, the unexpected sonogram that kicked the whole weekend off. That last part was courtesy of a friend and neighbor. Turns out Care Net got some new equipment and whoa's them for not having any appointments that night so it was up to me to test out the new machines!

Dash Two? Let's just say we know who you are.

However, we are waiting until Wednesday to make it official. That's when I have my scheduled songoram with 4D! and my doctors. While T.D. and I did get a nice little preview of this new addition to the family (Sticking the tongue out at us and all, which leaves me already fearing another dictator.) H did not. He'll join me on this appointment and hopefully we will get the Full Monty.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Random Question # 172-'Burb Life Edition

You know you live in Suburbia when you hear the following sentences uttered...

Have you been to the new Wegman's yet? It's amazing! You must go! (This is akin to having a new Trader Joe's/Whole Foods/World Market opening in your 'hood. The giveaways, the samples, it is enough to make a person faint over dead in free basting oil.)

I LOVE tea parties! Let's have a tea party!!! (This is not said by anyone in the age 3-6 set who has a tiny Disney princess tea set. No, it is said by a grown woman.)

I think we have a hook, er, working girl living on our street... (seriously. We might.)

Did anyone have someone knock on their door at almost 9 p.m. the other night? Me too!!! Who does that? (It was then blamed on a John who must have been in the 'burb to see the hooker.)

The inevitable talk of paving stones, community pools, parking violations and patio umbrellas will shortly ensue.

What sentences scream 'burb life to you? What do you hear in your neighborhood? And uh, does anyone else have a lady of the night working their block or is it just us? And to think, our street looks and acts like Pleasantville.



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Thursday, June 12, 2008

Pregnancy Hormones or a Case of "That's Life"?

Next week we find out the gender of Dash Two and it could not come at a better time. OK, maybe today would have been good, but at this moment, it is needed.

I need to feel some sort of connection with this being who is for all intensive purposes the size of an apple. Sure, I have now heard the heartbeat, which puts me at ease, but I need to see it. To know that it is growing normally and all looks good. Once we know the gender we can assign a name and make it personal. I can plan and begin to get excited. Also known as soliciting companies to give my boy or girl new crap to review. Heh. I can no longer think of Dash Two as just the reason my breasts are now possibly a new wonder of the world or why my otherwise delectable coconut birthday cake makes me puke it up each time I attempted to eat it.

The second child is turning out to be vastly different from the first. I don't know if the world can handle two dictators in one house anyway. Can you imagine if Hitler and Mussolini had to be bunk mates at camp or share a trundle bed? Disaster. Pure and utter disaster. The pregnancy is different, the complaints are different and my enthusiasm level is wildly different. Almost wrong I feel because aside from the once a week blip of "Ooh another little 'us' in the house' moment, I'm feeling pretty ambivalent. H even remarked last night that he forgets that I'm pregnant.

Is it normal to just be a bit on the 'Meh' side with the second one? To just go through the motions? Or is it just the stress life has thrown at us lately? Paying more than one mortgageand dealing with a stagnant real estate market? Not so fun for the already sick pregnant lady. Your spouse talking about lay offs at work? Also, um... not so fun. In fact, it makes morning sickness downright festival like. Someone get me a stick for the pinata.

My midwife tells me to to learn to 'just be'. My friends tell me to take time for myself and go play. Sure thing ladies. Wish it were that simple but CPS frowns on leaving toddlers in cars while I sip a latte in the shade even if you crack a window, provide juice boxes and crayons. And what if you feel so stuck, so mired in the moment and what the future might hold that you are paralyzed by doubts and fears that even just being is hard. What if you don't know if it is just life and hormones or if you are actually full-on depressed?

I remember the suspect mole/cancer episode of last summer and think, "Pffttt... easy peasy folks. Cake walk." I'm trying to live in the moment. Enjoy these summer days and the last of our alone time with T.D. but life is coming at us in a way I don't know how to handle.

My big girl panties are chafing me but good.



** Mummy's Product Reviews is holding a DESIGN YOUR OWN FRUIT ROLL UP giveaway- just comment on the site and you are entered to win your own carton of personalized fruit snacks courtesy of Fruit Roll Ups and PBN.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Tantrums- Dictator Style

Oh, Internets...

How I long for the care free days when only once a week I felt like for maybe, five minutes, I felt like I might lose my mind. Those days are like the ones where you are sitting by a crystal blue pool looking toned and tanned while sipping some delicious treat of a drink.

Days like today? Days like I have been having for the past few weeks? They are more akin to lying naked after having gained an extra 80 lbs, been covered in honey, feathers, and maybe some saran wrap, sat on an ant hill that also happens to be hot asphalt covered with glass and have the entire Beltway's worth of traffic critique your fabulous body while you beg for some water that is just a centimeter or two away. Did I mention you have also been beaten to a pulp and some hot lava is just careening towards you?

Yup. That is how I feel. As if I've been put through the ringer. My OB/GYN appointment today was more therapy session than, "Let's hear the baby's heartbeat!" excitement. I think I cried no less than three times. I woke up crying today because no matter how hard I pray for things to change, to feel better, to enjoy this pregnancy and to have the strength I need to deal with all that life has thrown at us lately, I'm just done.

I'm tapped out.

When T.D. decides to throw no less than four terrific tantrums per day I feel like I might become a statistic. I have tried everything I can think of to quell them and nothing is working. She screams so loud it is as if she is being torn apart by wild dogs. I fear opening our windows in case someone hears her and calls CPS on us.

Why the tantrums? I wish I knew.

It is all, "NO! EAT LUNCH!" An hour or two later, "EAT LUNCH NOW!" Or my fave, "NO NAP!" "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and then I lose all hearing and I try to find some inner calm as she writhes on the floor kicking everything that is nearby. All of them are accompanied with a blood curdling scream that is so horrific I fear Hollywood can hear her and might use her soon for their next slasher film. If only it were that amusing. Or that they would pay me some sum of money to have her meltdowns recorded.

I just know that I don't know how much more my jaw can take because I'm clenching it so hard these days my head pounds for hours on end.

These tantrums.

This life.

I fear I'm losing it.





Head over to MPR today for another exciting giveaway! Gourmet Peanut Butter!

Book Tuesday but Wednesday

Here's the newest excerpt from Casey.

School picture day was a nightmare with Casey wearing some incredibly awful plaid ensemble her mother thought would be “just darling”. To Casey it damned her for all eternity as a complete dork. That plaid ensemble would live on in the high school year book for all time. Sarah having been on the ‘inside’ for this whole time is not only helping her to wade through the treacherous waters of high school but also her closet. According to Sarah they had their work cut out for them. If Sarah could not help turn Casey’s prissy private school girl image around soon she felt she was going to be doomed to sitting alone in the lunchroom and forcing herself on the lactose-intolerant highly allergic girl in the corner to be her lab partner. Sarah is her Obi Won Kenobe. She is Casey’s only hope.

Right away Sarah suggested Casey cut her hair. It was time for Case’s old Junior High private school spiral perm to say sayonara. Off with the old grown out s ‘do and in with something sleek she said. Casey and Sarah planned it so that the week Casey got her braces removed and coincidentally her contacts it would also be the week she got her hair cut. Smiling shyly to herself, Casey had to admit she was getting a little bit excited about the whole thing. It was not as if she was popular or anything at her last school but she was enrolled there long enough and it was a small enough school so that she was known. Not really liked but known. Two entirely different things. It was time to shake things up a bit at this new school and stake some claim her own bit of turf.

As she walked through the glass and steel door one day after school, all her baby-sitting money rolled tightly in the pocket of her new jeans, Casey began to feel anxious. Sarah was already waiting for her in the reception area, loudly flipping through the latest issues of Cosmo and Glamour. Sarah had made sure to get an appointment with the youngest stylist in the salon. It was who everyone who was anyone in school went to for even the slightest bang trim. Sarah was banking on the fact that this ‘it’ stylist would be the clincher to catapulting Casey into the spotlight at school. The stylist had cherry red hair. When Casey saw her, she wanted to turn and run but Sarah quickly grabbed her by the shirt and pushed her through her into the stylists chair. “Sarah”, Casey whispered from the corner of her mouth, “Wasn’t her hair blue when we made the appointment last week?” Casey looked unsurely at Sarah who just flared her nostrils exhaled loudly and said, “Ok! Cut off that permed shit on the ends and give her something that makes her look sophisticated and cool. Not like that is hard to do with what she’s got going on right now. Anything is an improvement over that tired mess. Bye bye!” and with that Sarah flounced out of the room. She was off to read some back issues of Glamour and fondle the sample size shampoos in the next room.

Casey looked up expectantly at the stylist’s whose nametag said, ‘Stellah’ and hoped for the best. It’s hair she thought, only hair. It will grow back and if she reaches for any blue or green dye I’m out of here.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Bits & Pieces

Tidbits and snippets of life the last few days...

To the man at the post office sporting a rather lethal tan, please note that our government has not turned on you and the American people simply because the sad little postal annex (not an actual post office) does not stock flag stamps right now. Really. The U.S. Government is not trying to ban the image of the American flag.

I checked snopes for you.

You can rest easy now- preferably in a sticky chaise lounge or tanning bed I'm sure. Your ten minute tirade to the clerk and all of us waiting in line (especially me, you know the lady with the toddler holding her chotch.) was completely unnecessary.


****************************************************************************

Dear Local Pool Patrons:

It came to my attention this past weekend that my melon ball of a stomach is terrifically white. I apologize for any blinding I might have caused you. Please know it was not my intention to scare your small children with my pasty after-life type glow. I am in fact, very much alive and I am not some sort of pool zombie looking to devour your children's brains to feed my own spawn.

I would however, very much like to eat any and all of their snacks.


Signed,
Mummy

*****************************************************************************
To be filed under products I will NEVER review (nice try though.)

Poo-Pourri.

The ideal new purse essential is how it was pitched to me.

Because you never know when you are going to have to take a big, stinky poo in a unisex bathroom. Or something like that.

Seriously, folks you can't make this sh*t up. Pun intended.

Poo-Pourri comes in two delightful scents- Royal Flush and No. 2

Yes, they did go there.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Part of the Bush Abstinence Program?

There I was listening to my Saturday Snark, a.k.a. "Wait, wait, don't tell me..." on NPR when I hear them discussing Kmart's latest foray into fashion- Chastity Pants.



Immediately I had to go and look these puppies up. Was this some sort of joke? Nope. They are not and here is the proof- and bonus! They are already marked down!




While the whole needing a key to pry off some sort of metal belt is not an option (this is the millennium after all) I couldn't help but wonder what the sam hell the slogan was doing being splashed across the butt. I mean seriously! Is that really the way to proclaim your stance these days? It doesn't count unless it splayed across your tookas?

Is it any better than a shirt like this?

Friday, June 06, 2008

Oh Look! A Mommy Blog!

Because someone actually requested I post these....



TA DA it's T.D. in all her uber-serious first hair cut glory.



BEFORE


Yes, that is a Red Sox cheerleader uniform. Suck it, I won the Spirit stick as a kid at Cheer Camp.

DURING


It is as if she is watching EVERY hair being cut. I think she made the stylist nervous with that steely gaze. Either that or she is barely breathing for fear that what the dog Lex told her about hair salons is actually true. "Kid, you go there, your hairs don't come back. They cut you kid, they cut you..."

AFTER




Aww, Porkchop got her hair 'did.

Now I'm going to clean up the cuteness induced barf off the laptop. This is truly a Mommyblog.

Overheards

Scene: H & I discussing nothing of importance while going to bed.



H: I'm thinking that I should get a pair of white knit pants.



V: WHAT?! White (snort) knit? pants?! Why?! (I continuing snorting and almost end up becoming a pig.)



H: What? I thought that is what you said, white knit... oh wait... linen. Is it linen?



V: Yes, linen is acceptable. And khaki, not white. I was going to say, what are you trying to audition as a catalog model for International Male? Trying to go for a Saturday Night Fever type look perhaps?



Behold...





The International Male. They even sell underwear for men with contours... I dare you to check it out.

***GIVEAWAY ALERT**** Mummy's Product Reviews (MPR) is holding a giveaway today- one lucky winner will score some loot!

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Toddler Pulled Over for DUI

I know. I know. I'm all about the weird news this week but this grabbed my attention this morning as I was driving myself down the road and T.D. was in the back seat. Not I might add, driving. Because, no matter how sick I might feel? I'm not letting that crazy kid drive my tank of a car. For reals folks this actually happened.

GOSHEN TOWNSHIP, Ohio -- GOSHEN TOWNSHIP, Ohio -- A police officer in Ohio said he pulled over a woman he suspected was driving drunk and found the woman's 1-year-old son steering the wheel, reported WLWT-TV in Cincinnati. Marya Green was pulled over Tuesday.

The officer said that when he came to the driver's window, he found Green's 1-year-old son at the wheel, sitting in Green's lap. Green, 29, registered a 0.11 percent blood-alcohol level. Two other children, ages 8 and 5, were also in the car. Green was arrested and faces charges of DUI, driving under OVI suspension, noncompliance and endangering children. Police said this is Green's third DUI arrest in six years. The children were released to their father.

OK, not to make light of the situation but um... why not choose the 8 year-old instead? That baby was probably like, "Geez, MOM! Not again! I know I'm cute and all but I can't be gettin' you out of tickets all the time!"

A Meme for Me?! Aww... You Shouldn't Have

I've been tagged for a meme courtesy of Lattes and Life.

The rules: Each player answers the questions about themselves. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog. Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve posted your answer.

What was I doing ten years ago? Let's see.....I was in my senior year of college. Going to school full-time and wrapping up sorority life. I was panicked about finding a job and had just met H. Life was a whirlwind that seemed so stressful at the time but now seems so carefree.

What are five (non-work) things on my to-do list for today:
T.D.'s first hair cut. Got to get rid of that Nick Nolte mug shot look
Pick up fondue items for GNO
Shower
Pay a speeding ticket
Wallow in the world of potty training


5 Snacks I enjoy:
cheeses- from sliced American to something stinky I love it.
s'mores
popcorn
soft serve ice cream (I could hurt someone for that right now)
cut- up fruit- be it mango, pineapple, strawberries or even orange slices I love it.

Things I would do if I were a billionaire: A billionaire huh? Well, first pay off all debt. Then take a simple vacation to figure out what we wanted to do with the money. I would most likely set up a foundation or two for domestic violence in my area and others. Raising awareness for that would be key. As well as setting up a scholarship fund at my old high school and university for students who were a lot like me. Then house-hunting. I would buy a home in the District, then on the beach in RI, next stop France and then who knows. I would spend my time volunteering and helping out others. Yes, there would be shopping but the gathering of stuff would not be my life. I would help out my family too.

Places I have lived:
Massachusetts
Various RI locales
Dumfries, VA
Vista, CA
Texas (I picked up a nice twang there)
High Point, NC (I realized the South was not for a "damn Yankee" like me. Hey, I was called that unprovoked many times in my stay there. Talk about feeling welcome. And yet, I still find the South charming for the most part.)
Rockville, MD & College Park, MD (ah, sweet freedom)
Various CT locations
29 Palms & Yucca Valley, CA (want to turn into turkey jerky in less than a few hours? Here's the place!)
Am I forgetting a place?

Jobs I have had: Also known as - how can I put you to sleep
Cashier at Hallmark, Benny's and CVS (dude, this last job rocked! I would write horribly bad "deep, dark poetry" and stick it on my register for the customers to read. Mgmt. was not pleased.)
I worked at a local sandwich shop on the beach- The Weekapaug Inlet- holler if you know it!
History Dept at HPU
Travel agent for UMD faculty (ooh how I loved going over receipts and denying folks for buying extravagant items while on a work trip.)
Student Activities Accounts Mgr. (ooh how I loved denying groups who were snotty or rude to me money for activities. NO PIZZA FOR YOU!)
Documentation analyst- DHS
Wage Specialist- DoD a.k.a govt. drone
Material Cost Estimator- Company A (obviously not its real name) a.k.a. slave to the proposal system.
Client Services Manager
Receptionist
Motel maid (about a day until I realized how no one else was cleaning the rooms, just me.)
Arbonne Consultant (still am!)
Technical writer for a company suspiciously like Initech. I prefer to think of it as the time I wished for a terminal illness (I'm dead serious) and worked on the Death Star for Darth Vader. She knows what I'm talking about.
I know there is more...

So now I'm supposed to tag five poor bloggers to do this- Sorry folks. Smack me later. I pick...
Reality Travel
Where in the World
A Catalog of Bitch
Sarah, Goon Squad, Sarah
A Parent in Silver Spring


Be sure to stop by and say hi to the first two blogs up there...they just got off and running and would love the comments, I'm sure! And of course, the last three are pretty cool bloggers as well, so you'll want to see what they've been up to lately. Have fun guys!

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Random Question # 145

Am I alone in thinking this is incredibly sad? It is an election year people! We are using our economic stimulus checks to pay speeding tickets (oh. just me?) and pay down credit card debt not buying Posh Tot or Urban Baby chic paraphernalia.

From News of the Weird-

America in Decline: One of the Internet's successful Web sites (10 million page views a month, with $500,000 in ads from companies including Verizon, McDonald's and General Motors) is a site that merely reports on what celebrities' babies are wearing, in that so many mothers are apparently obsessed with mimicking those clothing choices for their own tots. A May Wall Street Journal feature said sometimes the site's posting a photo of a celebrity baby incites a nationwide run on what it's wearing. [Wall Street Journal, 5-10-08]

Um... this let me say, is not just terribly scary but terrifically so. We are in some sort of (it's not a recession) decline and yet this is where we go to for comfort? Because I'm thinking that is what it has to be. Comfort. A yearning for the good ol' days when we had butt-loads of disposable income or something. Because really, I could care less what Coco Cox-Arquette or is it Arquette-Cox and Baby Madden are wearing this summer season. I'm more concerned with gas prices, an upcoming election, the housing market and the cost of groceries (practically a years worth of college tuition).

Weigh in on this one. I'd love to hear your thoughts Internets.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Book Tuesday is Back!

Because I need a push, Book Tuesday is back. I hope you don't mind. If you want to read back pieces of Casey then click on the word 'casey' at the bottom and it will get you refreshed and up to date.

Sarah is Casey’s best friend. The two could not be more different Casey frequently muses. Where Casey tends to stand in the corner Sarah is always out front. She is loud and feisty always angling to get what she wants in the way that she wants it. Casey likes to wait things out and see where life will take her unless Sarah decides to drag her along which she frequently does. Casey’s parents have been all over her lately to find new friends. They want her to branch out beyond Sarah at this new school and think that maybe then she will stop getting into trouble. Lately, when she and Sarah have hung out they ‘lose track of time’ and stay out too late, they have started mouthing off and just generally being pains in the asses as Casey’s mother so bluntly put it when she last grounded Casey from Sarah for a week.


Casey thinks about Sarah now as she waits for her mother to pick her up. Today would have been so different she thinks if only Sarah was back from vacation. She thinks back to when she and Sarah were about five years old. They thought that if they gave a convincing portrayal of babies it would impress Sarah’s mom so much, that she would take them out for pizza. They decided to dress themselves in pajamas and crawled around the Sarah’s living room floor making cooing noises in front of her Sarah’s mom. Then to really bring it home they peed right there in their pajama’s. Sarah’s mother was not pleased. She scooted them out of the living room so fast, grumbling to herself about Casey’s mom owing her a play date now and stripped the two girls down in the tub. Casey thought she was going to hose them down in the front yard she was so mad! She told them to clean up as she slammed the bathroom door leaving the two girls alone to ponder the mess they had literally gotten themselves into this time. Casey remembers that Sarah was not fazed by any of it. She was only sorry that the plan had not worked they want they had envisioned she stated as she stripped off her wet pajama bottoms leaving them in a wet wad on the bathroom tile floor. She had turned on the tap in the bathtub and climbed in waving Casey over to join her in the tub. Leaning against the cement block wall of her new school Casey smiled to herself as she remembered what happened next. The girls decided that they felt bad and after being sent to Sarah’s room, they conjured up an apology skit of sorts. When Sarah’s Mom finally let them out of Sarah’s room, they quietly brought out a music box and wound it up. The two girls danced around the room chanting in soft voices that they were “Sooo Soooorrrryyyy!” and continued to dance and sing imagining themselves as fairies. It worked too. Sarah’s Mom thought it was imaginative and broke into a smile. She took Sarah and Casey out for pizza that day anyway. That was Sarah in a nutshell Casey thought as she peered out the double glass doors of the school searching for her mother’s car. Sarah is always up to something and does not stop until she gets what she wants. Casey sighed and heaved herself off the floor as she saw her mother’s car sidle up to the schools front door. Maybe next week when Sarah came back school would be better.


Casey opened the door to the car and slid in. Her mother looked her over and asked cheerily, “How was your first day? Did you meet anyone new? What are your classes like? Did you eat lunch?” “Geez, Mom! Enough with the twenty questions!” Casey flinched and looked out the window at the passing landscape. The road leading away from school was bumpy and full of potholes. Her mother’s car while comfortably cushy was still jostling along as it sped towards home. Casey didn’t feel like talking. She just wanted to head to home, grab her dog Barkley and go to her room. Instead, she decided to make things easier and answered her mother’s questions.


“School was alright”, she said eliminating the growling purple haired kid and how she skipped lunch. “It will be a lot better once Sarah is back next week,” she continued. Her mother gripped the steering wheel and sighed. “Casey, honey, you know you have to have more friends than just Sarah. Sarah has more friend than just you at school. Now that you two are in the same school you are going to notice that she isn’t just there for you to hang out with.” “I know Mom, but it was lonely today, Casey admitted. Actually, it sucked!” “Casey!” , her mother chided, “Don’t speak like that!”, It is vulgar and we didn’t pay $10,000 a year the last eight years to have you speak like that after one day at public school.” Casey looked at her mother and laughed. “Alright Mom, sorry. But it sort of did you know. I know it won’t be easy to adjust but it was tough today and my classes are a lot bigger and just, well, different. I think we are using the math book I used last year. Just an older version I think. Sarah is my best friend since forever too and suffice it to say if Sarah did not go to this school I would not be able to survive this whole public to private school transition thing. The choice of what to wear each morning alone is now mind-boggling and I just cannot seem to get the hang of it. I can tell you one thing, I am not going to be wearing this outfit again.”, she said as she clawed at her plaid skorts and equally plaid necktie.

They arrived home and Casey exited the car and quickly walked into the house leaving her mother behind in the garage. She scooped up Barkley who was sleeping in his bed behind the chair in the den and went upstairs to her room. It was only when she closed the door to her room and sank into her upholstered chair that she let out her breath for the first time that day. Casey felt tired. Her book bag was heavy and her brain hurt from trying to remember where to go all day. She did not think about the boy who smiled at her in the hallway until later that night as she was drifting off to sleep. He was sort of cute wasn’t he, she thought as she let sleep take over.

Monday, June 02, 2008

How Old is Too Old?

Huh...

Well readers, share your thoughts on this one.

Let's hear your comments.

Sex and the City Fan in it for the Froth

Cross-posted from DC Metro Moms-

Sex and the City makes its long awaited debut this weekend and the media attention this movie has gotten makes it seem like the second coming. The critics, many of the manly persuasion, have given it the old, "meh, it's OK but it's not deep" review. As an avid fan, I refuse to listen to all the buzz and the boo's.

From the very beginning when the show was on only in the wee HBO hours I was hooked. I was single, young and out there. I found myself as a cross between cynical and realistic Miranda and the ballsy Samantha. Each Sunday night show was not just clothing crack but like a drink for my starving demographic of viewers. No one got us so right and we tuned in and turned loyal fast. While the show slowly delved into the glitz and glamor of the city and fashion world (The first season's clothes? They were more your average woman's wear.) it immediately tackled the questions that we gals faced on a daily basis. How do we juggle burgeoning careers, friendships and relationships? What is it we really want from all three and can we have it all? If we can, what defines having it all? Is it different for each of us? By the time the show wrapped in 2004, the answer was clearly yes, as each character seemed satisfied with their life's choices.

Enter the Sex and the City movie, which I will only be watching for the first time tonight. Amidst all the critics critiquing I am left with the feeling that none of it has been by a true fan. This film, much like the show was to NYC, is a tribute to us. It did not need to be done, but it has been and it is a reward to the fans who loved the show, its characters and what it gave us- fashion-forward froth, vulnerability, eye candy and a look into the hearts of four characters who represented a whole myriad of us real women. To break it down as anything else is not to understand the show and all it meant and still means to so many of its fans.

Will we be disappointed? Maybe. Will it really be all that we wanted and more? Perhaps. I prefer to look at the film as a chance to catch up with old friends, window shop for the unattainable, feel a bit carefree for two hours and not break it down into how deep the film gets into issues and such. This purist fan prefers to take part in the tulle-like froth that was the shows essence and just enjoy the ride.

Updated: After seeing the film, I could not be more pleased. It was everything I hoped for and more. The film has always shown the truly passionate and deep side of women's friendships and it reaffirmed my faith in that this weekend. It brought back a lot of old memories of how we women can really take care of each other and true friends are always there. It's a must-see even if only for the spectacular clothes, accessories and shoes too!