Thursday, June 12, 2008

Pregnancy Hormones or a Case of "That's Life"?

Next week we find out the gender of Dash Two and it could not come at a better time. OK, maybe today would have been good, but at this moment, it is needed.

I need to feel some sort of connection with this being who is for all intensive purposes the size of an apple. Sure, I have now heard the heartbeat, which puts me at ease, but I need to see it. To know that it is growing normally and all looks good. Once we know the gender we can assign a name and make it personal. I can plan and begin to get excited. Also known as soliciting companies to give my boy or girl new crap to review. Heh. I can no longer think of Dash Two as just the reason my breasts are now possibly a new wonder of the world or why my otherwise delectable coconut birthday cake makes me puke it up each time I attempted to eat it.

The second child is turning out to be vastly different from the first. I don't know if the world can handle two dictators in one house anyway. Can you imagine if Hitler and Mussolini had to be bunk mates at camp or share a trundle bed? Disaster. Pure and utter disaster. The pregnancy is different, the complaints are different and my enthusiasm level is wildly different. Almost wrong I feel because aside from the once a week blip of "Ooh another little 'us' in the house' moment, I'm feeling pretty ambivalent. H even remarked last night that he forgets that I'm pregnant.

Is it normal to just be a bit on the 'Meh' side with the second one? To just go through the motions? Or is it just the stress life has thrown at us lately? Paying more than one mortgageand dealing with a stagnant real estate market? Not so fun for the already sick pregnant lady. Your spouse talking about lay offs at work? Also, um... not so fun. In fact, it makes morning sickness downright festival like. Someone get me a stick for the pinata.

My midwife tells me to to learn to 'just be'. My friends tell me to take time for myself and go play. Sure thing ladies. Wish it were that simple but CPS frowns on leaving toddlers in cars while I sip a latte in the shade even if you crack a window, provide juice boxes and crayons. And what if you feel so stuck, so mired in the moment and what the future might hold that you are paralyzed by doubts and fears that even just being is hard. What if you don't know if it is just life and hormones or if you are actually full-on depressed?

I remember the suspect mole/cancer episode of last summer and think, "Pffttt... easy peasy folks. Cake walk." I'm trying to live in the moment. Enjoy these summer days and the last of our alone time with T.D. but life is coming at us in a way I don't know how to handle.

My big girl panties are chafing me but good.

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  1. My husband & I are finally ready for baby #2 (I mean try to conceive, not that I am pregnant). Since my daughter, PP, has been a handful,we have been putting it off figuring we couldn't handle both (PP & baby #2). I keep saying, there is no way we will have another kid that can't sit still & wants to play 24/7? There is no way that we will spawn another that never wants to eat & when she does, she takes two bites & says she's done? there is no way, right?? (you are probably thinking the same thing).
    Vicky, I have heard that it is rare to have two kids that are exactly the same in temperament & personality so you may be having a very mild dictator 2...

  2. Formerly Fun2:35 AM

    I know I had a lot of ambivalence about #2 because it definately changes the dynamic, but long-term in a good way.

    #1 babies usually seem to be more needy, more demanding but that's probably because we have more time to be needed and to handle demands. #2 brought balance to our household and made #1 a nicer kid, great big brother.

    And I'm sure your enthusiasm will pick up, it's really amazing the first time. The second time, not as much but you can relax a bit knowing what you're in for.

    Good Luck and good health.

  3. yeah, I was pretty ambivalent about my 2nd the point that I felt guilty that I wasn't as excited...and angry that my husband seemed nonplussed about the growing addition to our family. But it slowly abated and after our 2nd son was born, it started all over again because I never felt like I gave him enough time, since it was split with his older brother. Now that the baby is nearly a year old, it's fading again...but I'm sure it will creep back. :)


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