What Rocks!

You know what rocks?

-Actually managing to surprise your best friend with a visit. E thought her boyfriend's mother was coming into town. Lo and behold, c'est moi! She jumped me like a spider monkey as soon as the shock wore off. That alone was worth the trip.

- A $20 foot massage that really is a full body one. Why don't we have those in my area?!

- Finding designer duds for less at consignment stores on Melrose and watching LA rich girls drop off never worn clothing while wearing tanks emblazoned with the words, "Trifling Ass Bitch".

- Absinthe. I can see the point of that stuff. Really. I like a spongy world.

-Having loads of time to hang out with my best friend that I haven't seen in a year and a half whether it was on the couch in our pj's, in a club, taking a walk or sinking our feet into some Malibu beach sand while sipping Bloody Mary's and noshing on a fried platter of goodness.

Notes from the Road #54

Scene: On the phone with H one night. I sit cross-legged on the bed, watching the black beetles crawl into my hotel room from the great outdoors. How many will infiltrate my premises tonight?

V: I had to deal with Border Patrol today. The line was short but it took forever. Then they get to me and I have my ID out. I'm ready to answer any and all questions about live plants or contraband oranges I might carrying across the Texas/New Mexico border. It's not like I'm hiding anything inside the rental car doors or what have you. All the guy asked was this, "Are you a US citizen?" I replied, "Yes." "OK, you can go." He said.

I guess a blond girl in a black mustang, well, you just don't get anymore American than that now do you?

In my frequent travels this week (six states in less than 12 hours!) I began to notice something. Airports have some strange carpet. It's not all industrial blue or grey anymore. El Paso has green and blue lizards. Whereas Phoenix has red and beige airplanes going in swirls. It's quite fascinating. I'm thinking of doing a whole photo collage on it. It will be called, "Being brain dead while in the airport."

As I sit in my seat waiting for my flight to take off I hear the man next to me say in an angry hiss, "Don't be late! Don't make me hate you like I did last time! I will fight you!" It sounds so completely ridiculous I can't help but snort. He glares at me and I smile. Does he even know how cartoonish he sounds? I really do want to see this man fight someone.

Finally, we touched down in DC. It's been a long night but not a bad one. I've driven almost two hours from one state to the next. I've boarded three planes and now at last I am on home soil. I am overjoyed to know that a shower is in my near future.

As I walk towards the baggage claim a man cuts across my path. He is terribly familiar and instantly I yelp. He quickly looks back at me and then keeps walking. "Yes, it is him! I knew it!" I try to get a closer look but he eludes me. I give up and decide to call for my ride. A minute goes by as I am put on hold and "Whoa!" There he is again. I decide to get up the nerve and say, "Excuse me, sir? Are you from Rhode Island?" He looks back, as he is just about to exit the airport and says, "Why yes, I am. Are you?" I think my smile might break my face and I say, "Yes! And I know who you are! You are Patrick Kennedy!" I then become a smiling faced freak who spills forth sentences that include things like, "I had pictures of you on my wall in college to remind me of home!" Gah! What was I thinking?! Am complete blathering idiot.

We briefly discuss what H and I are doing down here now that we have made the DC Metro area our home. What I think of Rhode Island and it's economy and employment rates and he agrees with me and offers some of his thoughts as well. We talk a bit more and I feel bad for holding him there. I'm like a tween meeting a Jonas Brother or something. I wrap it up by telling him it was "nice to meet him!" and he is on his way. I hold off as I realize we are going to the same car service station and I don't need to act anymore fangirrl crazy today.

Where's Mummy- #34

Funny, I have yet to see a scene like this since I've arrived in the desert. I've seen my fair share of tumbleweeds, abandoned buildings and prehistoric dragonfly type insects that scare the beejeezus out of me. Oh and some vicious little black beetles that like to crawl under my hotel door at night and scoot around the floor. Frightening!


It is more like this-

My fine dining choices consist of Applebee's and Chili's and I'm done. You would think I could find an interesting little Mexican eatery but alas there is nada. Ooh, I'm already speaking the language. Heh.

Did I mention that the hotel hair dryer doesn't work? I'm sportin' the most interesting do. It's part beach wavy, part matted mangy dog hair hot mess. I had to conduct a training session like that yesterday. Today I'm out greeting the public looking like I just spent the night on a side walk. By the time my red-eye flight rolls into DC tomorrow I will be looking like I let some desert tweakers style my hair.

If you can figure out where I am, I'll send you something interesting.

What We're Not Going To Talk About

Are we going to talk about the delayed flight home yesterday? Nope.

The jerk who made snide comments to my MiL on the flight home and then proceeded to yell at the flights staff, captain, and random airport workers as we deboarded the plane? No.

How about the fact that we sat on the tarmac for an hour after sitting at the gate both in departure and deboarding? Sorry, no.

We'll also not be discussing overzealous diaper changing grandparents who succeed in going through a whole box of diapers and wipes in four days. Poor T.D. but we're not talking about that either.

Nor will we discuss the sheer exhaustion I now feel from only one day of traveling with a toddler even though I had help.

I will only say that I adored having a TV back in my room and the Sleuth channel on Direct TV rocks! There is never enough Simon & Simon, Quincy, and Buried Alive I &II. Having three grandparents under one roof is the new holy trinity and eating dessert everyday plus fried goodies like grilled cheese, bacon, clamcakes, eggs, french fries and potato chips is all fine and good but I fear a gunt might appear at any given moment. My Mom can still get me drunk with one drink and having DOUBLE STUFFED mint oreos at my beck and call is one of life's greatest pleasures.

I can safely say that my trip home was truly a vacation.



*Photo by Karen Cooke, East Beach, RI

Lucky Me

Thank God that you can't kick people off a plane mid-flight. If you could I'm sure the woman in seat 15F would have thrown up the side door and ousted T.D. and I somewhere over Jersey. Seeing as opening that door would have killed everyone else on board or at least sent them into a drooling mess with them crapping their own pants her only alternative was to suck it up. Along with everyone else including me.

Oh yes. I have THAT kid. The one who hates flying and screams during much of the flight. I should have known it was not going to be a barrel of fun when she woke up at 5:30 a.m. the day of the flight. Two hours before her normal time. She barreled around the gate making friends and flirting. She was just sooo charming. Who could resist such an imp? I was hoping that she would just keep it up or fall fast asleep in her spiffy airplane seat. Heh.

Silly Mummy. I was fooled by the take off as she chomped on raisins but soon into the flight all baby dolls, blankets, books and other kid paraphanalia literally tried to go out the window. Or on the floor. Then demanded once more. I pulled a shoulder muscle trying to pick up something off the tight spot on the floor. As I winced and my stomach burned from the stress and screams I thought, "only an hour, only an hour...and THIS SUCKS!" I'm eloquent. What can I say? When the woman in 15F reclined her seat so T.D. could have easier access in kicking her tray table I wanted to scream myself. The woman was now asking for it. The glares I got from her were on par with a pit viper. All I could think was, "Just try me lady, just try me. I've got ninja skills." It all came to a nice head as we descended into Lil'Rhody and T.D. began to scream and screech in blood curdling, blood pressure raising wails. I wanted to melt into my seat and tried everything I could to calm her. She was literally foaming at the mouth. She managed to remove all her straps and belts in the process.

At the end, I decided to wait until the plane was empty to deboard. I didn't to look anyone in the eye. I had THAT child on the flight. I am incredibly grateful to the Army General two rows in front who made a point at the end of the flight of saying T.D. was "precious" with a total lack of irony.



**Blogher starts today. I'm a bit sad I'm missing it. Next year I swear! As God as my witness, if I have to live through fifteen more T.D. filled flights, I will get to Blogher next year.


CHECK OUT THE NEW FINDS AND REVIEWS on Mummy's Product Reviews.

The Trip/I Heart My Friends

Ok, ok already the trip. I hear you people. Seriously. I've dragged it out long enough.

The trip to Los Angeles started off with this, "Excuse me, Ma'am? Is anyone sitting there?" This said by the twenty-something girl with boyfriend sutured to her side. Sigh... no one was next to me. They plopped themselves down and instantly the row reaked of pastrami and old sweat. Ick. Why? I huffed a bit and wanted to ask in a snooty voice, "Excuse me, but did you just get off a 12 hour shift from some all night Chicago deli? Do you work at D'anjelos? You smell like a D'angelo's. You stink! Both of you! Git!" Instead, I took out my tiny red leather book and started making notes. This seems to creep some people out and sure enough the old meat couple left. Aaah, a nice whole row to myself. Lovely.

The time in L.A. was fabulous. There is really nothing like seeing an old friend that you can pick up with as if you never left them. We had dinner in a foggy Santa Monica the first night at a great sushi place called Monsoon Cafe. The second day we hit the Getty Museum. The Gardens there are amazing, very zen. So check it out and get a moment of zen for youself. We saw some incredible photography exhibits as well including one solely done about Wonder Valley and Twentynine Palms, CA where I lived for two years. Odd to walk in a room and see that place. Instantly without reading a description I knew those shacks and methlabs. I could smell the desert earth and feel the hot sun. A tiny bit of longing wedged in there too. Strange. I digress though. After a few hours trolling the museum we hit Malibu for lunch on the ocean at Gladstones. It's right on the beach with an impeccable view. Too bad it was a bit chilled and we couldn't sit outdoors. No matter, I did half expect to see Jennifer Aniston walking the beach though with her dog, Norman. I took a few photos for prosperity and we headed home. E took me on a scenic drive through some canyons which I loved. All those houses sitting precariously on the mountainsides, it all feels a bit dangerously beautiful. Dinner that night was at Taxco in West Hollywood. My first time having a prix fixe Mexican meal. We headed to O-Bar for drinks later. The rest of my time in L.A. was spent in the sun exploring the Garment District and just doing girly things. It's what I miss most about my normal everyday life.



Onward to New Mexico I was immediately whisked from the airport to dinner with my friend Charlotte. We hit a cute French place where I had some incredibly divine chocolate mousse. Next up was the ballet. We took in a showing of Sleeping Beauty which was beautiful. Watching those dancers I never stop being amazed at what the human body can do. It was a great night! Eager to show me around Albuquerque, Charlotte took me to the Old Town area. I stuffed myself with even more French food at lunch. Crepes trois aux cremes. Mon Dieu! We shopped a bit, hit the Rattlesnake Museum and headed to dinner. In any place I visit I like to eat some regional fare. So umm... the green chile cheese fondue please! Throw in some spicy peel and eat shrimp and that was dinner. Oh and did I mention we hit the movies after and I had popcorn too? Eesh. No gym for two weeks and all that? My body was not loving me and I was not loving it. Someone thought I wasn't too rough looking though and Charlotte and I got hit on at the theatre by some 21 year old. Really.

Who hits on someone at the movies? His line? "Excuse me, but could you tell me what movie I'm seeing?" as he shows me his ticket stub. Riiight...I looked at him and said, "That's a credit card receipt, so no, I can't tell you. Nice try." I have to give him credit he didn't act embarrassed but instead pressed on asking us if it was 'ladies night' and could he and his friend join us in our chick flick. Hm... have to pass as I showed him my ring and said I had one of him. One who looks a lot cleaner too. After he left I tried to extract myself from my seat. I was stuck. Is my ass really that big already? No. I sat in typical movie theater scum. Gross. Everytime I sat down for the rest of the night I stuck to the chair and then made a nice sticky/suctiony sound as I got up. Lovely.

We decided to take it easy my last day and just did some mall shopping. I scored some super cute jeans that made me feel my rightful size and shoes. We did a night in at Char's house and that was that. Back home the next day.

So I'm home and already my office is strewn with envelopes that T.D. is throwing helter skelter. The word Da? is asked continuously. Translated Da? means, "what's that?", then DA?!, "TELL ME NOW MOMMY!" The ground is covered in ice, snow and more ice and it's a typical week in my house. T.D. just pulled the laundry lint out all over the floor. Got to love it.

Back to Reality

How is it that in span of less than 60 seconds the phone can ring, I burn myself with hot wax (and sadly nothing even remotely kinky was going on), T.D. falls off the bed and manages to eat a nice mouthful of diaper cream? How? I guess it was just the universe's way of welcoming me back to reality. Whoo hoo!

It slushed here today which just makes me want to stay under the covers of my own bed even more. It was so nice to get into MY bed after a week away. I'm a weirdo about my bed and sheets so it's always the one thing I miss the most when traveling.

I have to say it was nice to be away and feel like me again. Not someone's Mom or wife. Just me. I shopped without time limits, ate whatever, got hit on a few times, and ingested far too much salt and sugar than should be allowed. I'm nice and bloated like a puffer fish from a week of sushi, wine, mexican prix fixe meals, cadbury candy, popcorn, soda, chocolate mousee, crepes avec trois aux cremes, no caffiene or little to speak of and a cigarette or two. There's more but my lips are puckering just thinking about it all. Airline food and airport food has been eliminated to avoid further grossing out of my readers. I guzzled water like mad all to no effect.

I also noticed while in Los Angeles and even in New Mexcio, it must be some sort of SouthWest thingy, that people out there are really into their colons. Yes, you heard me right, their colons. As in squeaky clean ones. It's not just the colonics and the fact that it's perfectly fine to chat up someone about their intestinal health, it is like a past-time out there. Talking about it, buying products to make it cleaner, what have you. It's almost fascinating. It's also precisely how I came to find out about this little gem. Colon Blow. Oh yeah, that's right. Go check that beauty of a site out. It is indeed for real. The testimonies, the pictures are legit. My friend's husband sports the t-shirt. It cracked me up for a good half hour or so. If you buy it and try it, let me know. I'm in awe of how into this stuff people get. It almost sizes up a majority of my trip but there's more later.

Home Again, Home Again

Jiggity Jig! Corny I know, but it really is so good to be home. I was so sick of hearing that same monotonous voice declaring, "Caution! Moving sidewalk ends." as I went through various airports. It's the same voice. Over and over again. Didn't help that I was sitting near it at my gate in Chicago today.

I'll do more on my trip later, all the little overheards from the airport, my take on L.A. another time around, and what Albuquerque is really like. Better than I thought I can tell you that, with the best Rattlesnake Musuem in the country I'm sure. Now I can say I've officially been there. There was something interesting I heard today while lounging at gate A11 in Midway airport. I was subjected the Maury Povich show and heard this tidbit. Apparently there is a rise in Hit Men being hired to kill people's spouses. Really. I mean I knew it was done. A rise though? Huh.

Maury goes on to state that the going rate for a kill is about $100K, which is not small change to most of us regular folk. It got me thinking though- who are these people that are running around hiring Hit men. If there's a rise is their a rapid rate of retiring hit men out there? Do they have a union? If there are so many hit men out there, how do you find them? Really, this whole thing just took up space in my travel addled brain for a good 15-20 minutes. Granted I was then boarding the plane and incredibly bored, but who are these people who have that money to throw around. How good are these hit men anyway? Maury only had botched cases which leads me to believe you could just offer money to the bagger at your local Safeway and probably be done with it. Scary.

Mountains of laundry await, as do piles of oh so scintillating junk mail. Actual trip stuff to follow.

News!

I'm on my second leg of my trip. Left sunny LA yesterday and flew to New Mexico. I'm having a blast! If you click on the title of this post you can view my latest bit of news- my feature story for Hot Mom's Club. Enjoy!