It's Nice to Know They Care

As I was running through the aisles, child-free and out of the house for the first time in over a week (huzzah!), this caught my eye making me stop in my tracks.  Is this a new attempt to counter-act that bloated, tired pmsy feeling? 

Mary Poppins Can Bite Me

It was a beautiful fall day. The sun was out, the air crisp. The crackle of new library books was all around. Sounds like bliss, right? I should have been beaming, right?

Except I wasn't. As I opened the kitchen windows to let in that gorgeous fall breeze all I could think was, "Today is one of those days I wish I was back in an office." I would rather deal with jackass project managers who can't think for themselves, defense contracts and engineers with yellow teeth and even more yellow fingernails than be in the house with my kids today. Or even out of the house with them.

My jaw hurt from gritting my teeth. My shoulders were hunched up to my ears and my upper back was burning from it all. I has missed my morning run due to a sick, teething baby and the whole house looked like a plastic baby doll hospital had been detonated. Picking up tiny cracker crumbs off my bathroom carpet (It's organic! I should be happy!) while dealing with exploding diapers, endless whiney-faces around me and the crying. Oh the non-stop, ear-bleeding, cheese-grater on my pulpy exposed nerves crying. It was doing me in. Thoughts of cigarettes danced across my brain.

I just wanted to find a dark shed to hide out in with a carton of Kreteks and a bottle of Grey Goose. Alone. Deep, abiding silence would be my only company.

When TD asked me to read a ridiculous looking books about Wild Boars while I was still trying to shovel leftovers into my piehole I probably cringed. I hefted her on my lap and read the thankfully quick, with giant print book. These boars were insatiable and as insatiable boars are want to do they baked a massive cookie. I looked at TD and thought about my week of detoxing and said, "Let's do that! Let's bake a "massive cookie" just like the boars." So we did.

An hour later this was the result.

If I wanted to wrap up this post with a pretty bow I suppose I could. I could say that baking this cookie with my precious preschooler was the balm to my soul on an otherwise calloused and scabby day.

Except that neither kid napped. The dog barked like she was on fire all afternoon incensing the other dogs on the block to bark like banshees. I barely made my deadline. The Comedian's fever continued to climb higher and higher. At 5 o'clock we were in rush hour traffic on 95 racing against time and red lights to get to the doctor's office. When she threw up on me and my keys while I listened to H via my cell phone tell me that he didn't feel like cooking dinner (um, dude? Hamburgers. Easiest thing beside mac 'n' cheese.) I had to stop and brace myself against the car. An ambulance screamed by sprouting a million and one questions by TD about how the ambulance lit up like that, drove like that, where it was going and who was in it, blah, blah, blah. I had to bite my lip and hold back tears on this all together crappy day. No butter, sugar, chocolate panacea was going to soothe it either.

Sometimes it's just like that and it's futile to get all Mary Poppins about it.

The Last Pancake

Scene: Breakfast is over for this Sunday morning and clean up has begun. I notice that there is one last pancake left.

V: I pick up the pancake and say, "Dare me to chuck this last pancake at the dog's head?"

H: "Go for it."

I lob it at the dog and it grazes her cheek. Considering the fact that this is a dog that can catch adult-sized birds in mid-flight I am a bit surprised that she doesn't grab a hold of this flying snack. It lands on the floor next to her and in seconds the dog, TD and The Comedian are on this lone pancake like a pack of hungry wolves.

After a few minutes of wrestling with her sister and the dog, The Comedian crawls away with only a glance back. Having been nearly shanked by the dog's talons of death she realizes that whatever tiny scrap of pancake she was going to get it wasn't worth it.

TD, however is in full pseudo-fight mode with the dog. There is cackling and scrambling coming from under the kitchen table. I peer beneath it and see TD, fully aware of how silly this all is, eating the pancake right along with the dog. A huge smile spreads across her face as a giggle escapes her throat.

I'm glad I cleaned the floor that morning. I look at H and say, "We're awesome parents."

In Which Nature Takes Over

Scene: A sun dappled den. The Comedian and I are sharing some quiet time while our dog, Lex suns herself outside on our deck.

"Cheeep! Cheep, Cheep, ChiiRRRP!" The Comedian and I look out the sliding glass doors of the den to see Lex catch an adult-sized Robin in her mouth. As I press my face to the glass I can actually see the fear in the bird's eyes and I let out a bit of a whimper. "Poor, germ-infested bird. You had no idea that lazy looking dog was going to come out and get you did you? I know. Me neither."

In the past Lex has caught toads, lizards and other smaller birds but when they cease to move any longer she stands above them looking perplexed. She nudges them with her nose wondering where her playmate has gone. It's almost sad if it weren't so well, wild. I forget sometimes that she is an animal and hunting, not snoring and hacking up an old man lung is her true instinct.

I look out the window a minute or so later to see her ripping the head off the bird and more. Egads. I swalllow a bit of vomit. Feathers litter the deck as do drops of bird blood. 'True Blood' plays on the TV screen in the background. Seconds later she runs through the dog door and drops the lower half of the bird at my feet. "Oh? A present for me? How thoughtful. I always wanted diseased bird claws with entrails on my den carpet. How sweet!" I immediately run for a rag to scoop up the mess and then cordon off the bio-hazard area before The Comedian can stuff any blood and guts into her piehole. I gag again and dial H.

I talk to him about how I really would clean up this mess if I could and I notice that the once sunny and clean deck is now littered with bird head and feathers on one side, entrails in the middle and random pieces of heart, lung and bones on the other side. Blech. She really went to town. Lex stands amongst it all panting and salivating while surveying her domain. She looks like she is in some sort of trance.

You think you are going to spend an hour watching vampires suck blood off some mortal while you fold your whites and suddenly you find yourself scrubbing bird blood, guts and feathers off your beige carpet instead. Typical.

I've Got Sweaty Wrists

I wouldn't call it sweating so much as it's dripping that I'm doing right now. I got the opportunity to go on a morning run today versus my normal evening jaunt. There is something so wonderful about starting the day literally hitting the pavement. Humidity has not yet set in and there is still a haze in the air. As I run on the trails and various sidewalks in my 'hood I can smell this sweet summery scent that just lifts my spirits and makes me inhale deeply. It is entirely uplifting.

That is until I decided to veer off my intended track and bypass a gaggle of women who were out for a morning stroll. And when I say stroll I use that term quite lightly. It was more like a creep. Suddenly I found myself doing my final minutes up the biggest hill in my neighborhood. I had The White Stripes screeching in my ears and the ear worm known as Jillian Michaels/my new subconscious motivator barking at me from my brain and yet I was barely making it. My feet just did not want to step off the ground. The knees were not springing up. It was like each step I took was into a mess of hot, sticky bubblegum.

Incidentally, as I type this my wrists are sweating onto the keyboard. My wrists are sweating, people. Sick! I smell like a fourteen year-old boy who hasn't showered in a week. Blech! I glared at my watch and noticed I had three minutes left. I groaned loudly cursing the running gods. Another runner whizzed by me leaving me in his sweaty wake and I got annoyed. I wasn't going to be seen as some slow as molasses in January barely making it runner. Nope! I huffed and puffed up the end of the hill and found myself on a nice downward slope for the last few minutes. Ah! Bliss! The wind was in my hair and the sun was shining on my face again. The fact that a giant woolly dog came dashing out at me growling and baring his fangs. Yes, fangs didn't even deter me.

The run is done. I can start my day. Which really should begin with a nap.

Dial 911 to Get Rid of Unwanted Stuff

The other night I went in to check on TD as she lay sleeping. As I tucked her in I heard a loud rumbling engine in front of my house. Upon peering out the window I saw that an ambulance was parked out front and the driver was exiting the vehicle and walking up to my front steps. "What the..." I said to H and we both ran down the stairs. Everything seemed OK in our house. The alarm had not gone off. What the heck was going on? Did Lex the dog suddenly decide to go the way of the Chicken McNugget lady because we are out of dog treats?

We opened the door, both standing there, surprising the ambulance driver as she hadn't even knocked on our door yet. "Oh! I'm here to pick up the puzzles?" She said. "Puzzles? What puzzles?" I asked. "The puzzles you are giving away on Freecycle? Wait. Do you not know what Freecycle is?" She said. "No, no. I know what Freecycle is, I just don't have any puzzles for you..." I answered.

H and I looked at each other perplexed as she stood back and looked at our house number. She repeated our address to us to which we both nodded in unison. "I'm sorry. It's been a long day. I was supposed to pick them up at five o'clock." She said. I glanced at the kitchen clock stating it was almost 9:30 p.m. "No problem. Have a good night." I said and I shut the door.

I looked at H, blinked a few times and he looked at me. "Well, there's our tax dollars at work." He said and we headed off to bed.


I'm up over at DC Metro Moms today and I'm talking about 'Feeding Your Soul'. I'm also giving away a $50 gift card from Smarty Pig over at MPR.

In Which Midland, Texas Keeps Me up Late.

Am Sshleepy.

GNO = 2 a.m.

No more white wine.

Only caffiene. Somebody get me an IV.

Am no longer 22 and able to stay up late and then bounce out of bed at toddler wake up time.

Gym? Forget it. I'm in the penalty box now.

Waited up for friends plane that was delayed before it even left the ground.

So..zzzzzzzzzzzz...what?! Oh. Tired. today.

Must curl up in ball with toddler with faucet for a nose and rest. No worky today.



Check out my latest on Moms Speak Up here. Mummy's Product Reviews is giving away some fun DVDs and has great new items up (think cashmere!) to peruse. Have a great weekend readers. T.D., H and I will be here Saturday!

Bunches of Stuff

Two things as it's Friday and I don't want to tax our brains too much.

Yesterday, I was at my local Target where I managed to only purchase one item! That alone should be a front page story. I spent less than $20 too. I'm quite proud of this feat. Here's the actual story.

As I was getting T.D. out of her car seat two men about the age of 28? walked over to their car parked next to me. They were nice well kept gentlemen I suspect from the Marine Corps base nearby. I smiled at them as I extracted T.D. from her many belts and buckles. They barely smiled back and one impatiently said to his friend, "So just back the car up so I can get in." Apparently my car door being open for more than 2.5 seconds was 1.5 seconds too long for him to wait to get into his car. Really. I was already pulling her out and turning to them to smile when they approached. There was no wait. I looked at them and then back to T.D. I smiled sweetly and said in my nicest 'Mummy knows best' voice, "Patience! It's a virtue. Please have some!" I smiled again and walked away. I was actually fuming mad. I couldn't help but think a few things.

One- To quote SJP in an episode of SATC- "Oh! You're just soooo busy!" You want busy? It's a Thursday mid-day and you are strolling through the Target parking lot! I'll tell you what busy is! I'll run through the list of everything I've done just this morning sonny! Don't make me get my list out! Stop being such an EWG (entitled white guy)!

Two- Have some freakin' patience! I know that when you see a Mom and kid car seat situation you cringe. You sigh and huff. I'm well aware of that. Pre-kid I never waited for a parking spot from a parent loading their kids into their car. That is just pushing someone who might not need that additional stress. Besides we don't always take 87 hours to load ourselves into our cars or get out of them. Why don't you cring and huff about the people who have NO ONE but THEMSELVES to get into their car and it takes them 87 hours to get in and back out. What's up with THOSE people?!

Three- I think I really sounded like Mary Poppins in a sing song voice that would have set my teeth on edge if I had heard it. Hopefully it will make them think twice about being in such a hurry and rude. I doubt it but you never know. Considering I was post-workout and still sweating in an attractive dark grey Rollins shirt and black capri workout sweats I'm sure they just thought, "Oh! look how she let herself go after having a kid. That woman's feet are Ginormous!"

I was going to go into a bit about JM's (Judgemental Mom's) and something that happened to me the other day but I'm saving that for a whole other website. Days later I'm still amazed at how callous one woman can be about another. It makes me think twice about this whole person in general.

On another note H told me that I looked "not like a Mom at all" yesterday. My butt apparently looked "cute" in my ratty old jeans. When I asked him why he thought I looked non-mom he stated, "What Mom do you know that wears a Rollins t-shirt and Chucks?" I replied, "A lot I hope." He looked at me as if he knew better. Prove me right! Send me pics of you in not-so-Momish-attire! I'll post up here on the site and give away a fun prize pack to the lucky winner!Email photos to veamason at gmail dot com.

Have a great weekend everyone! See Mummy's Product Reviews for two new additional and yes, quite fabulous reviews! You'll find a cookbook by Jessica Seinfeld- get your kids to eat their veggies without them even knowing it! Plus another amazing bag!

Hey! Look at that Crazy Lady!

Fodder for one of those hidden camera shows? That would have been me yesterday. The morning started off normal enough and then T.D. turned cranky and started pulling on the same ear over and over again. Suddenly the easy morning of writing, gym time, and meeting with H to work out business stuff became much more chaotic.

8:37 a.m.- "Hi, it's me! Listen could you give me a call back? T.D. has been pulling on her ear all morning and she has a 12:20 doctor appt. now. I can't meet with you at the granite place. Call me!"

8:43 a.m.- H calls back- I say, "Right. Ok, I understand, but that means we would have to meet in about a half hour and I'm not even showered... and I really need to be. (inwardly totaling drive and shower time, eliminating the gym from the day completely now, work time slowly eluding me.) Ok, so I'll see you between 10-10:30."

8:46 a.m.- Blink a few times. Grumble about missing gym. Resolve to run later when H comes home. Nix idea of walking in the afternoon as it will still be beyond sweaty balls hot outside. Run downstairs to quickly work up a mailing label to mail out baby gift. Love Click n Ship! (no they did not pay me to say that) Run back upstairs calling T.D. to get a move on! Thank God she's already dressed! I hastily begin throwing the diaper bag together- bib, diapers/wipes, food, drinks, all important blanket. Check! I weave around the kitchen dodging the dog and T.D. who is now wailing for her packed blanket. Or not. Can't figure this kid out some days!

9:12 a.m.- Run up the stairs two at a time calling to T.D. to follow. Time to shower! At warp speed I manage to start the shower, pluck a few stray eyebrows, run up and down the loft stairs (where our bathroom is) to get underwear, T.D., and various other random objects. I move around the bathroom like a whirling dervish.

9:17 a.m.- Shower like lightening. Can't hear kid. Don't even do pit check. No time!

9:18 a.m.- Drying off and I hear screaming. I call to T.D. My wet hair dripping everywhere as I stumble and dry off while simultaneously dashing down the steps. The dog is making a play for T.D.'s precious graham cracker. She is resisting but it's futile. My naked self drags T.D. into the bedroom. I run back upstairs.

9:20 a.m.-Rip a comb through my sopping wet hair and decide to forgo lotion as it will save time. Hastily try to untangle the "sides" of my underwear as they are a tangled mess while yelling at T.D. down below the loft to stop force feeding the graham cracker to Lex. Lex flees to her crate. T.D. toddles to nightstand to impose mass destruction on my chap sticks and library books. Damn g-strings are like a tangled necklace chain! I nearly fall over in my attempt to put on my Capri's.

9:21 a.m.- Wonder about need for make up. Slap on lip gloss and some mascara. Isn't that what super models always claim is "the only thing" they wear? Scarily blow dry just my bangs so my quick pony tail (curse that being a Mom hair do) won't look so desperate.

9:22 a.m.- Look at chipped black nail polish. Really only works if sleek and shiny. Could I be mistaken for throwback Goth kid now Mom? Maybe it will start a new trend- Suburban Goth Moms! We'll kick stroller impeding a** in our Doc Martens at the local mall (now back in!).

9:23 a.m.- Nearly tumble down the stairs as I grab my wedding ring and push in earrings. My hair is wild. A veritable nest. T.D. looks afraid of her cyclone Mommy. I somehow manage to tie a scarf around my waist making a jaunty belt and grab T.D.

9:27 a.m.- Throw open the front door, blasted with heat and humidity and chuck the bags in the car. I nearly chuck T.D. in with them in my haste. Realizing she's not a clever looking diaper bag I buckle her into her car seat.

9:30 a.m.- We are off! Record time today I must say. My heart is STILL racing.


I wish I could have caught it all on film and seen the wild look in my eyes. I'm sure the footage of me spraying myself in the eye with toner was fantastic.

The trip to the granite place was a loss. No one spoke English and everything we wanted or they thought we wanted was out of stock. Lunch was basically me cramming black beans and tomatoes down my gullet. I chomped more celery sticks and almonds in the car as I drove as fast as I could with a screaming with indignation T.D. to her doctor's appointment (now no longer pulling her ear I must add). We got there exactly two minutes before her scheduled time.

Guess what? All for naught. No ear infection. Is good. Is really good. Just you know... a total waste of a co-pay. I take comfort in the fact that while waiting she watched an 80's run of 'Reading Rainbow' that I swear I remember from when I was a kid. She learned about whales and now says, 'way' each time she sees one.

Goodbye's

Some people say they don't "do" goodbye's. I have never been one to use that pat phrase. I do them alright I just don't show much emotion while it's happening. When H left for Iraq I didn't even cry. I just hugged him and we said, "OK, see you sometime..." and I went home. That's it. The fact that I lived on some weird plane of non-emotion for the entire time is a whole other post.

Some might say that is cold of me. How can I render so much emotion for tragic ship sinking's and events that have nothing to do with me, but yet I can mourn and grieve them like nobodies business? I don't really get it either, except to say it's just way too personal for me and must be done alone.

Tonight, I said goodbye to a friend that a year ago I didn't even know. Tears were shed by all the women on my block but me. It's not that I don't care or that I even care less. I don't really even cry at funerals. It's like a block. Then I go home to my empty house and just keel over. I can put it off a bit by sitting here writing this pathetic blog. Yet, here I sniffle and already miss my friend. I walked into my house saw a bowl of chocolates and thought, "Oh! I'll just go give these to her for her trip." It was too late, she was already driving away. I walked slowly in the humid night back to my house sighing heavily suddenly saddened by the whole night.

It will never be the same. She will no longer call me in the morning and ask, "How are you doin'?" in her Texas drawl and then I'll lug T.D. across the street for coffee and a morning walk. Her son is T.D.'s favorite playmate. I well up in tears when I think of how she will keep toddling to his front door asking for "Mahk". I already had to tell her twice today, "All done. Mark doesn't live there. All done." It's the only way T.D. sort of comprehends it. I will miss the easy way she had and how she made me feel like a better Mom and not less of one the way some women I've known have. I will miss the Texas Trash.

Sure there is email and phones, but there is something truly special about having a neighbor who you can rely on to not only watch your kids and set up play dates with, but one who actually becomes your friend and you tell your secrets to. It's rare and special and I can say from past experience incredibly hard to have to do twice in one year. I'm still not over the last defection from our 'hood (That still sucks and it's been almost a year). On our tiny street we're relatively close and watch out for each other. We actually borrow cups of sugar and eggs. You become so entrenched in just passing through each other's homes each day. You learn from other mothers and watch their kids grow. I love it and it sucks and hurts, I know I'm being eloquent again, when part of that leaves.

So there's my sap for the month and a deeper blog post than the last few, she totally called me out on that just before she said goodbye. What I'll miss the most from her, is not her stellar coffee or the play dates, but her honesty and ease. It's those things that make me cry and miss her more.