Friday, October 02, 2009

Mary Poppins Can Bite Me

It was a beautiful fall day. The sun was out, the air crisp. The crackle of new library books was all around. Sounds like bliss, right? I should have been beaming, right?

Except I wasn't. As I opened the kitchen windows to let in that gorgeous fall breeze all I could think was, "Today is one of those days I wish I was back in an office." I would rather deal with jackass project managers who can't think for themselves, defense contracts and engineers with yellow teeth and even more yellow fingernails than be in the house with my kids today. Or even out of the house with them.

My jaw hurt from gritting my teeth. My shoulders were hunched up to my ears and my upper back was burning from it all. I has missed my morning run due to a sick, teething baby and the whole house looked like a plastic baby doll hospital had been detonated. Picking up tiny cracker crumbs off my bathroom carpet (It's organic! I should be happy!) while dealing with exploding diapers, endless whiney-faces around me and the crying. Oh the non-stop, ear-bleeding, cheese-grater on my pulpy exposed nerves crying. It was doing me in. Thoughts of cigarettes danced across my brain.

I just wanted to find a dark shed to hide out in with a carton of Kreteks and a bottle of Grey Goose. Alone. Deep, abiding silence would be my only company.

When TD asked me to read a ridiculous looking books about Wild Boars while I was still trying to shovel leftovers into my piehole I probably cringed. I hefted her on my lap and read the thankfully quick, with giant print book. These boars were insatiable and as insatiable boars are want to do they baked a massive cookie. I looked at TD and thought about my week of detoxing and said, "Let's do that! Let's bake a "massive cookie" just like the boars." So we did.

An hour later this was the result.

If I wanted to wrap up this post with a pretty bow I suppose I could. I could say that baking this cookie with my precious preschooler was the balm to my soul on an otherwise calloused and scabby day.
Except that neither kid napped. The dog barked like she was on fire all afternoon incensing the other dogs on the block to bark like banshees. I barely made my deadline. The Comedian's fever continued to climb higher and higher. At 5 o'clock we were in rush hour traffic on 95 racing against time and red lights to get to the doctor's office. When she threw up on me and my keys while I listened to H via my cell phone tell me that he didn't feel like cooking dinner (um, dude? Hamburgers. Easiest thing beside mac 'n' cheese.) I had to stop and brace myself against the car. An ambulance screamed by sprouting a million and one questions by TD about how the ambulance lit up like that, drove like that, where it was going and who was in it, blah, blah, blah. I had to bite my lip and hold back tears on this all together crappy day. No butter, sugar, chocolate panacea was going to soothe it either.

Sometimes it's just like that and it's futile to get all Mary Poppins about it.


  1. Anonymous11:34 AM

    Validation to feel the way I feel today... Thanks!

  2. Good one. I wanted to cut out my ovaries after this one, and I don't even have them.

  3. After today, I say screw detox and go on a drinking binge! And when you do, I'll come over so you won't have to drink alone. Hope tomorrow is better!


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