Traveling is Cake

Oh, sad little, lonely blog.  I've been so neglectful these past few weeks as I live my own version of the movie, "Up in the Air".  Each day I wake up in a different bed, my cell phone alarm chiming away at me. A breakfast suprise awaits me as I head to the lobby or to venture out on my own to find some food.  The worst was the area that didn't have a single place open for breakfast and I had to resort to chugging instant oatmeal out of a cup with out even a spoon. This was also the same place that had no internet service.  Hello, 1994!!! 

Good times. 

My bank account will be happy, the review site will be brimming with hotel and car reviews too. I'll be debuting my new brand of review, "Sneak Attack!" style reivew, so stay tuned.  Hotels around the country considered yourself warned. 

It's fun, tiring and a great way to feel independent as I navigate new areas, work with various types of people and organizations and find new places to sustain myself.  I miss H and I miss the kids but I have yet to miss our daily grind.  When clients say to me, "How do you do this while being pregnant?" I just smile and say, "THIS is a whole lot easier than climbing the stairs of a townhouse all day long with two small kids, laundry and all that entails."  And it's true.  Giving presentations, delegating and overseeing  events is less of a strain on me than making three squares, cleaning a home, running errands with little ones in tow and all the while trying to work.  To me, this is cake. 

Coffee with a Vodka Chaser, Please

I am surly today. Call me CPM - Cranky Pants Mason.

I decided that it would be a fabulous idea to suck just one more sunny ounce out of summer and hit the road with the girls again this week. Beach bound we got on the highway and down came the rain. Winds blew and tiny mouths became gaping black holes of want and whine accompanied by fists of fury and destruction. "I want, I want, I want..." It was all I heard until one of the dictators passed out along side the other despot in the back seat. Silence and sunshine ensued for much of the trip.

Until I got lost. Why is it that just when you miss a turn the peanut gallery in the backseat decides to create a list of demands so long and loud that you miss all the other eight turns the GPS is barking out at you in its super polite British accent? Suddenly your white knuckling the steering wheel and channeling Clint Eastwood. You switch to bellowing out wicked witch style phrases like, "Silence, you fools!" only to turn into Walter Matthaeu two seconds later.

Now, dark rain clouds threaten the day and I am red-eyed and fog-brained from lack of sleep. Both girls were up all night and in and out of my bed. When TD announced that she was afraid of the green and red sparkly thing with fangs lurking by my bed I almost called my own Mommy to come save us.

I see much beach side brooding and dark cloud watching in our future today. A steady diet of cupcakes, Bloody Mary's and Lattes also sounds pretty fab. Somehow though I don't think that last part is going to happen.

On the bright side, my email contained this little badge today. It made my day.



Find me here as well. Never before seen photos uncovered!

Pack it Up! We're Going to Chocolate World!

"Are we going to Pretzel land today?" TD asks continuously. To her Pennsylvania is the land of the giant pretzel thanks to her US Maps placemat. However, after this weekend I am quite sure PA will be known as Chocolate World from here on out.

I'm doing laundry like a whirling dervish today. I just finished unpacking myself from my trip and off we go again. I'm looking forward to this opportunity for some downtime with the family. Lately our schedules have been so missed matched that we are almost never home at the same time. The kids are coming and going and so are we.

I'm not concerned about the car ride to Hershey. We've got car trips down. Rather I'm deeply, deeply concerned about us all sharing a hotel room. We've got light sleepers, we've got nappers and we all have different bed times. Dictators don't sleep well when others are present. I fear The Comedian will feel the need to put on a late, late show complete with hysterical meltdowns if we are all in one room together.

You know what else I fear? The fact that I spent so much of the early part of the summer Shredding, running and in general trying to get fit again and then since Blogher I've let it all go. My schedule has been so insane I've been scarfing down disgusting travel/event food and not only am I pasty white (That whole skin cancer thing!) but I'm a pile of squish right about now. I'm not to jazzed about putting on my swimsuit. I'm slathering on the sunless tanner and wondering if I should try and draw abs on with it. Sounds like a fab idea, no?

Aside from all that though it is already August and I feel like this is the first time it will really feel like summer. We are hitting the road, this hockey fan wants to see The Bears' Den and we're all excited beyond belief to be spending this time together as a family.

Three Girls, Two Cities, One Day

Ellen Burstyn lived as a homeless person for a few days to step out of her comfort zone. I don't need to go quite that far just yet. For me, stepping out of my own comfort zone only requires me taking the girls into two cities, aboard two trains, on three cab rides and onto the steamy streets of New York. All in just twelve hours.

Even though I stay home with my kids I don't really think of myself as a hands-on mother. I still work, travel and am independent from them. It is a system that works well for us most of the time. TD was a year old before I had ever taken her to the grocery store on my own. Taking a three year-old and a nine month old on a day excursion to one of the world's largest cities is not something I find within my means of momfidence. It is more of an adventure.

Then HIT Entertainment invited us up for a few hours of Thomas the Train goodness and I felt I couldn't say no. It was right up TD's alley. I knew it would be a day we wouldn't soon forget in either a "Wow! This is the best day ever!" or "Holy hell, I am not so friggin' smot, now am I?" I packed minimally, brought the craptastic umbrella stroller and talked up the trip to death with TD. It's the only way to get her to be good to go in any situation. We had snacks galore, activities and a leash. We were ready to hit Union Station. I am loathe to drive into the city and if a GPS wasn't in my car I think I might have blown a blood vessel at one point. We boarded our train and it was all going well until we got delayed picking up passengers from a broken down train near Baltimore. If I had only TD I probably could have twittered away the trip, snapped cute photos and been the best little blogging chronicler on the eastern seaboard but I was wrangling a non-napping Comedian and a fidgety dictator so being Mom 2.0 wasn't in the cards.

By the time we hit a steamy Penn Station and hailed a cab (a first for me! fist bumps all around!) we were an hour late for the Thomas event. After running through a freak rain shower and up two elevator rides we arrived. Just as everyone was leaving. I was disappointed and felt bad that I just dragged the girls all that way for what seemed to be the end of a party. However, the HIT people played the Thomas clips again, let the girls play with the train toys, eat some snacks and I was able to catch my breath. I got to hang out with these fine ladies too which always makes my day.

After noshing a quick cupcake Isabel saved the remainder of our day by whisking us down to Central Park. A first for the girls and I. The abbreviated tour had TD and I riding the Carousel, throwing pennies into the Bethesda fountain, posing at Alice and Wonderland and more. It was just the balm we needed on our chaotic day. After placing us into a cab we said good-bye to Isabel (aka- "Mommy, that lady? In the orange shirt? She's your friend? I like her." I am still hearing this a day later.) and took a roller coaster cab ride back to the train station. I give mad props to the cabbies of NYC for their driving skilz. The girls and I actually enjoyed seeing the city in a whizz-bang sort of way and they were ever so helpful with all our gear.

Whoever said New Yorkers were mean was dead wrong. We would not have made it through the day without them. From the burly man who helped TD down the stairs by holding her leash for me as another one carried our stroller to the woman who gave us her place in line after we missed our train and needed new tickets. Both girls were in full-on screaming dictator meltdown mode complete with flames coming from their ears and daggers from their eyes. I think I saw some people turn into pillars of salt after laying eyes on them. This woman just graciously let us in as I thanked her with my eyes full of tears. Just as we were heading to the train we encountered our last obstacle (Ha! Who am I kidding? The first obstacle on our trek home is more like it.) - a very narrow, steep escalator. Silly me. I forgot that TD had never been on one and that strollers are not allowed on them at Penn Station. Even with all their elevators broken. (Gah! Much swearing, using phrases like, "well that's handy!" and teeth gnashing!) Three women swooped in, glared at the Amtrak employee for telling me to shove back through the line of people to find "some elevator if you can.." and helped me out. One grabbed my stroller, another took The Comedian and covered her with kisses while I escorted TD down the escalator. They didn't stop there. They found us seats and settled us into them and really saved my sanity. I wanted to hug them. Yes, really. Actually, I did.

The train ride home was a bit easier. The girls slept most of it and even changing them in a train bathroom wasn't so bad. Minus The Comedian trying to eat tp off the floor. I'm gagging right now too. People helped us out, commented on how good they were and one man showed me a beer ad in his magazine and said, "You deserve one of these right now."

We arrived back in our nation's Capitol close to eleven p.m. I knew we were back home when I tried to ask a woman for help in the deserted parking garage and she refused to acknowledge my repeated pleas/bellows of, "Excuse me? Ma'am?" repeatedly. Because a woman with a baby in a stroller, two bags and a toddler on a backpack leash is really going to chase you down and knife you. Sure. All I wanted to know was where I could go to pay for my parking, lady. I think there's a special place in purgatory and hell for people like that. It's called, "The Bitch's Lair" and no it is not as cool as it sounds. It's all one big deserted parking garage filled with muggers lying in wait and snakes. Scores of snakes! And um.. no water, only really salty pretzels from grimy vending machines and no matter how hard you try you can never find your car. Bwahahaha....

So yes, in a long-winded way I just told you all about how I got out of my comfort zone. I took the girls on an adventure all of my own making and we had a blast. It was a nice bonding time for us in a way that a shopping trip or time at the movies never could be.


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Incidentally, the new Thomas the Train movie is awesome! Thomas talks in it too! I typically find CGI films for kids to be extremely creepy in a "Can't sleep, clowns will eat me" type way. It's stunning really. The quality of this new film is beautiful and it actually held my attention. It debuts in early September and is a whole 60 minutes long. It's coming soon to a theatre near you! Stay tuned!

Have You Seen My Rose-Colored Glasses?

The radio in the kitchen is playing its familiar morning radio show, the smell of coffee is wafting through the house and all the bags from our trip are unpacked. I stand completely amazed that we made it up to CT and back without much of a blip. Nothing blogworthy to write about in two whole eight hour drives. I just might have a place in parental history.

I want to say a big thank you to our fellow travelers at the Delaware rest stop who stopped by our lunch table to remark on what beautiful children I have. It brightened my day and gave me a bit more energy to get back into the car with my two "angels". It would have been even better if one of those fellow travelers had read my mind and gotten me a steaming hot latte from the nearby SBUX, but no worries.

This trip gets mixed reviews though for a few reasons. I wanted to head up to New England and relax and play with my kids on the beach but the weather was too cold and wet almost the entire trip. The girls had a rough time settling in the first few days and everyone either had a cold or was on the verge of one. We kept busy despite the rainy weather, traveling to different parts of CT and RI and visiting family. It proved to be all a bit more tiring than I imagined and I think the dreary weather did me in a tad, combined with the fact that while I'm excited for my parents to move closer (Read: ECSTATIC!) I will miss having them in a house that I have now begun to think of as a second home and one that gives me my New England fix on a regular basis. The declining health of my grandmother just about did me in all together though.

It is hard to see someone you love and who helped raise you no longer know who you are. I tried to have that whole "that's the circle of life" attitude but that didn't exactly pan out. It weighed on my mind quite a bit and a touch of sadness hung about me for most of the trip. I'm not the type of person who can sprinkle fairy dust on a situation and I tend to feel things a bit more than others sometimes. This is a woman I always wanted to be like and to see that very essence of her just disappear saddened me more than I could even anticipate and perhaps realized at the time. I feel as if I have walked into a room in my home and all the furniture has been removed, the pictures have been taken off the walls and everything is just devoid of emotion and memories and no one can give me an explanation as to why this has happened.

It made for a very disconnected feeling on my part and a deep yearning for the sun and hugs from H. Neither of which were attainable at the time. I couldn't wait to return home and find both. When we did come home it was as if the darkness just clung to me. My lack of ability to coat the world with the aforementioned fairy dust has made me unlikable it seems. There is a disconnect in my house because of this and it makes me angry. I'm not one to sweep emotions under a rug or save them for later. I never have been and I can't apologize for that and I don't see it as a character flaw.

I can make lemonade from lemons with the hardiest of them but I can't pretend very well and walk around wearing rose-colored glasses especially when the moment doesn't call for it. I'll be fine in a few days I'm sure. Every day life is already grabbing a hold of me and not allowing me stay in this for very long. However, I should be allowed to feel what I'm feeling and not have to make apologies or play Tinkerbell for someone else just to make it better for them.

Notes from the Road

Queue the ridiculously bad and entirely inappropriate except for the song title Barry Manilow song, 'Looks Like We Made It'

The girls and I had hit the road yesterday around 4:30 a.m. Typical of TD to stay awake for the whole drive and consume her weight in goldfish crackers while watching 'Bolt' two times in a row before screaming, "I just cannot watch Bolt again!"

To the woman at the Woodrow Wilson rest stop with the white fluffball of a dog: Thanks for telling me my kids are so well cute and well-behaved and all. However? So not cool to then dash into the bathroom ahead of us and take the only handicap stall. Thus leaving me, one antsy toddler and The Comedian in a baby carrier car seat to squish ourselves into a Jersey Turnpike single person bathroom stall. I like being close to my family and all but not ass in your face close.

To the people of Teaneck, NY sorry for the yelling. It was right at that point that TD had her meltdown screeching at the top of her lungs, "The cow isn't doing what it's supposed to in my book!!!! I can't get the yellow marker!!!" I'm sure you heard me scream out, "Don't make me turn this car around TD!" At which point I then burst out laughing at the insanity of it all.

Also, it seems I just drove eight plus hours to hit up a Walmart for some underpants. I forgot to pack them. Somehow though I did remember to pack every single nursing bra I own.

We've arrived. I've already ingested a few cups of tea and heard TD say, "I'm really glad we're here. I'm having a really good time." That makes the eight hour drive worth it.

Road Trippin'

It's Friday and while I'm flummoxed by the whole Japanese rent-a-cat trend my mind is also wandering in the planning direction. My anal retentive list mania is peaking as I get ready for my first solo road trip with two kids. We leave next week and I think I have four separate lists going already. I'm OCD planner.

My parents think I have a death wish. My father asked me what I was trying to prove. Only a nutball would want to drive for eight hours with two small kids. I keep telling TD this will be some grand adventure. A grand adventure that will involve not kicking the back of the car seat, any yelling in the car and many, many snacks and DVDs. She thinks it sounds like quite the kick ass time.

Any advice about taking a trip like this with wee ones is appreciated. And no, Valium is not a valid suggestion. Though it does sound heavenly.

It's 385 miles to Connecticut, we got a full tank of gas, a full box of bunny crackers, it will be dark, and we'll be wearing pajamas. Hit it.

Anyone Got a Light?

Morning. I need a cigarette or four and a bourbon. I don't even drink bourbon, but it sounds like the breakfast of champions right about now. It's definetly the day after a vacation where it's all craziness and mayhem after you come home. Needy child after being at grandma's, laundry, errands, and well, back to work. Yippie Skippie!

The trip home was essentially uneventful unless you count the woman giving birth, or at least that is what is sounded like, in the Maryland rest stop bathroom. Wow. The screams. The wails and cries for "Dear God help me! Someone help me with the Pains! It was like Melanie was giving birth all over again during the siege of Atlanta in there. We found high chairs at lunch time and we got home before we both totally went over the edge of sanity after being in a car for eight hours.

T.D. is sportin' bows in her hair now courtesy of Mem and I approve. H said they should change colors with her moods- red for angry, black for foul, and so on. I'm fine with the fact that now she looks real cutesy girly poo like. I'm kind of sick of people calling her "buddy" just because she's wearing a blue shirt or green sweater. All of a sudden she seems more like an actual thinking person and no longer such a baby. She's showing us what she wants, knows where things are, and has a range of more complex emotions. She's also less pliable and bendable to my will. I knew that wouldn't last forever.

It's off to tackle the laundry monster, do some actual work and oh yeah maybe dress myself.

Over the river and through the woods...

We have internet! It's really true! My fingers have been positively itching the last few days and now it's here! My parents, having just moved into a new place had to wait until their provider got their little booties together and extended the internet privledge to them. At last.

The trip up North did not start off as planned. When does it when a toddler is involved? H, feeling sentimental, had the brilliant idea to wake T.D. up early the morning of departure. I cringed and declared I did not like this plan. I could see chaos written all over it. However, I let him do it much to my chagrin. Chaos did indeed reign that morning after H left for work. Instead of getting myself ready and loading the care while she slept I did it while Lex, the dog escaped out the front door and a red-faced angry T.D. screamed each time I took a bag out to the car. An overtired T.D. did not like me leaving her repeatedly and each armload of stuff up and down our townhouse stairs upped my stress and sweat level. I had to take a quiet moment in the car after it was loaded up with bags, baby gear and a now slient T.D. before I got us on the road. Finally only and hour and a half later than I wanted were we able to make our departure. Onto the open road!

Twenty minutes into the Diane Rehm show and rolling green the state of Maryland, T.D. was knocked out. I blissfully drove through what felt like the never ending state of MD and prayed she would sleep until Delaware. I chanted it frequently like the Beastie Boys song, No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn using the words Don't Wake 'Til Delaware! The kid slept through until the Jersey Turnpike. YES!

I just have to say WTF to a few things? What the holy F to the Delaware Memorial bridge! Fifty miles per hour for those of us who find bridges incredibly death defying feats to cross is pure excrutiating torture for my driving soul. WTF to the Woodrow Wilson rest stop too. No high chairs? NO HIGH CHAIRS in the whole damn place?! I had to place a napkin on T.D.'s tiny lap and hope she wouldn't decide to throw the whole paper mess containing her ultra healthy lunch of tomato slices, banana from the Roy Rogers register, and chicken strips onto the floor. I had her in the stroller but still it was a bit stressful. WTF to the creepy guy who wouldn't stop leering at T.D. either. Ick! The women at the life-saving Starbucks who had never witnessed a Starbucks rankled me too. Really? Never seen a Starbucks? They were not foreigners just off the boat. They looked, sounded, and dressed like the average middle-aged suburban woman. Mom jeans, button downed sweaters, white keds and all. Simply mystifyied me as they proclaimed the use of cinnamon in coffee. Oh my! How daring! Fat-free muffins too? How nice of you Starbucks- what a novel treat! Eesh. I just wanted to clothesline them and get my latte to go. I'm a mean bitch when I want some latte in me I know.

On the road again we made it through Jersey and New York easy peasy. I liked the feeling of driving through NY traffic and not blinking. It's nice to feel capable and independent again and at something other than making waffles and cleaning a mean bathtub. When we hit CT though it was another story. T.D. was awake from her second nap and pissed to find she was still strapped into her seat. Toys were flung about, shoes and socks were the devil to her feet, and the sippy cups were long gone into the nether regions of the car. All attempts to sate her with crackers and fun songs were shot down with angry screams from a fuschia faced czar. My eyeballs began to ache and head to pound. Dan Zane's Catch that Train was making me crazy. Baby Loves Disco failed to rouse either of us as well. It was time to break the emergency glass and bring out the unthinkable. That's right. Stashed in a plastic baggy deep in a car compartment was a pacifier. I hated to do it but short of swerving off the road after twenty minutes of solid screaming and fighting I had to do it. It was for the best. You know what. She studied it and played with it more than it was in her mouth, but it still shut her up. Peace resumed.

After eight and a half hours in the car we made it. The remote, and yes, narrow winding roads that surround my parents new home. I practically fell out of the drivers seat with joy. Food that's not vacuumed sealed, clean bathrooms, and a waiting grandparents arms were pleasantly found. We're here!

And P.S. Who knew that Jersey is the easiest state to divorce in. For only $299 you too can give your spouse the old heave ho! Really. It's advertised every square mile that fast and quickie divorce. That and Foxwoods is having Huey Lewis and David Copperfield in one short month! Fun times for all!

Road Trip!

My mother called last night. She felt I needed directions of the utmost detail for their new house. T.D. and I are heading out for a few days into a land without internet. I'm scared. I will feel so alone. I will miss you internets. The conversation with my mother went something like this-

Mom: Ok, when you get to this route you will pass the casino. Really pass it. The whole thing. Don't be fooled by the other roads that seem like our roads. They are marked like that. So go pass the casino employee parking until employee lot 10. Lot 10. Employee Lot 10. Ok?

Me: Desperately trying to listen and not laugh as she confuses me with more and more details in what I know is really quite simple.

Mom: The road to our house is really narrow, winding and hilly. So hilly and narrow and winding that sometimes when you are going up a hill you might not see another car and the road is narrow so you have to be...

Me: MOM! I got it!

H: (He can't even hear the conversation but knows without a doubt what she is saying and yells) She's 30 years old and has a kid! I think she can figure it out!!!

Me: Burst out laughing finally and tell my Mom through gasps and guffaws what he just said.

Mom: Oh really? Well tell him I hope his baseball draft this weekend is total crap!

Ah family...

My Mom continued to point out park signs, fast food chains and other obscure tiny roads I should NOT take. I tried to filter it out and come up with a simple- turn right near the donut shop. Easy.

So we're off! T.D. and I head out to lands up north for a few days. Fear not! We'll be back Monday. They don't have an internet connection going yet up in those parts of them there woods. AT&T is slacking I guess. I'll try and post our adventures. For now know I'm probably EZ-passing near your town this week.