Saturday, March 24, 2007

Over the river and through the woods...

We have internet! It's really true! My fingers have been positively itching the last few days and now it's here! My parents, having just moved into a new place had to wait until their provider got their little booties together and extended the internet privledge to them. At last.

The trip up North did not start off as planned. When does it when a toddler is involved? H, feeling sentimental, had the brilliant idea to wake T.D. up early the morning of departure. I cringed and declared I did not like this plan. I could see chaos written all over it. However, I let him do it much to my chagrin. Chaos did indeed reign that morning after H left for work. Instead of getting myself ready and loading the care while she slept I did it while Lex, the dog escaped out the front door and a red-faced angry T.D. screamed each time I took a bag out to the car. An overtired T.D. did not like me leaving her repeatedly and each armload of stuff up and down our townhouse stairs upped my stress and sweat level. I had to take a quiet moment in the car after it was loaded up with bags, baby gear and a now slient T.D. before I got us on the road. Finally only and hour and a half later than I wanted were we able to make our departure. Onto the open road!

Twenty minutes into the Diane Rehm show and rolling green the state of Maryland, T.D. was knocked out. I blissfully drove through what felt like the never ending state of MD and prayed she would sleep until Delaware. I chanted it frequently like the Beastie Boys song, No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn using the words Don't Wake 'Til Delaware! The kid slept through until the Jersey Turnpike. YES!

I just have to say WTF to a few things? What the holy F to the Delaware Memorial bridge! Fifty miles per hour for those of us who find bridges incredibly death defying feats to cross is pure excrutiating torture for my driving soul. WTF to the Woodrow Wilson rest stop too. No high chairs? NO HIGH CHAIRS in the whole damn place?! I had to place a napkin on T.D.'s tiny lap and hope she wouldn't decide to throw the whole paper mess containing her ultra healthy lunch of tomato slices, banana from the Roy Rogers register, and chicken strips onto the floor. I had her in the stroller but still it was a bit stressful. WTF to the creepy guy who wouldn't stop leering at T.D. either. Ick! The women at the life-saving Starbucks who had never witnessed a Starbucks rankled me too. Really? Never seen a Starbucks? They were not foreigners just off the boat. They looked, sounded, and dressed like the average middle-aged suburban woman. Mom jeans, button downed sweaters, white keds and all. Simply mystifyied me as they proclaimed the use of cinnamon in coffee. Oh my! How daring! Fat-free muffins too? How nice of you Starbucks- what a novel treat! Eesh. I just wanted to clothesline them and get my latte to go. I'm a mean bitch when I want some latte in me I know.

On the road again we made it through Jersey and New York easy peasy. I liked the feeling of driving through NY traffic and not blinking. It's nice to feel capable and independent again and at something other than making waffles and cleaning a mean bathtub. When we hit CT though it was another story. T.D. was awake from her second nap and pissed to find she was still strapped into her seat. Toys were flung about, shoes and socks were the devil to her feet, and the sippy cups were long gone into the nether regions of the car. All attempts to sate her with crackers and fun songs were shot down with angry screams from a fuschia faced czar. My eyeballs began to ache and head to pound. Dan Zane's Catch that Train was making me crazy. Baby Loves Disco failed to rouse either of us as well. It was time to break the emergency glass and bring out the unthinkable. That's right. Stashed in a plastic baggy deep in a car compartment was a pacifier. I hated to do it but short of swerving off the road after twenty minutes of solid screaming and fighting I had to do it. It was for the best. You know what. She studied it and played with it more than it was in her mouth, but it still shut her up. Peace resumed.

After eight and a half hours in the car we made it. The remote, and yes, narrow winding roads that surround my parents new home. I practically fell out of the drivers seat with joy. Food that's not vacuumed sealed, clean bathrooms, and a waiting grandparents arms were pleasantly found. We're here!

And P.S. Who knew that Jersey is the easiest state to divorce in. For only $299 you too can give your spouse the old heave ho! Really. It's advertised every square mile that fast and quickie divorce. That and Foxwoods is having Huey Lewis and David Copperfield in one short month! Fun times for all!

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