Your Female Andy Rooney

Is it just me or is the weather getting really freaky lately? Spring lasted all of a day here and then came summer. Throw in a few near biblical storms and I am beginning to think I might need hailing frog insurance.  I will not be wearing any striped stockings or ruby slippers any time soon.

I put 'Remedy Oil' on my knees last night before bed. Not only does that make me sound old but it seems like something Laura Ingalls Wilder would have bought from a tinker by the side of the road.

I told The Comedian that her whining "does not become her". Move over Joan Crawford. Betty Draper has apparently taken over.






*Image from kenlevine.blogspot.com

Screw Dora the Explorer and Those Disney Princesses Too!

I don't like dressing my kids in cartoon characters.  It's a real pet peeve of mine.  Cars, Disney Princesses, Dora the Explorer, what have you.  It looks cheap and makes your kid a walking billboard for stuff that doesn't need any more advertisement.  I mean, really, Disney. Really?  They need another dime from me?  Bah!

Giving more money to Disney is like giving more money to Mr. Burns.  Neither of them need more money.

On Rush Limbaugh and FLOTUS

My undies are in a bunch this week on a few things and all of them round back to our dear FLOTUS, Michelle Obama.

First up- her cause to eat right and get moving. The woman is trying to combat the epidemic of unhealthy eating and living that we as a country seem to think is our right.  Is nothing more American than eating a giant Big Mac with a boat load of fries or sipping on a Big Gulp?  To some people, it is their given right as an American to load up on the fat, sugar and sodium- health be damned.  It's a disease, an addiction for some and for others economical factors play a huge role in not being able to eat in a balanced, healthy manner.  Mrs. Obama's campaign is to educate and create a dialog as well as resources to get a balanced diet into all of us.  Our very future as a country depends directly on our health as individuals.



So when Rush Limbaugh lambastes First Lady Michelle Obama for her eating ribs and not tree bark like she claims we all should.  Big air quotes there.  I get mad.  Saying Mrs. Obama should eat more of the berries and roots she extols upon frequently should would look more like an SI swimsuit model or piece of celebrity arm candy.  It's maddening and only fuels the fire with which women and especially young girls see as a healthy body type. 

Also, Mr. Limbaugh - get the nutritional balance and dietary advice right.  You can find out that ribs are 1500 calories but you can't seem to obtain the small bit of knowledge that is needed to be correct in what healthy eating should be.  Of course you can't- you think by eating tree bark you can look like a supermodel.  You ask her to "show us" but you show nothing.  You ask that we find some place other than the mall for our kids to hang out at but you offer no advice or contribution towards helping this country out except to suck up air space.  Loser. 

I despise you Rush Limbaugh.  I feel sorry for you that the only way you can create controversy these days is by putting forth untruths about a balanced diet and what a woman should be like physically.  We all know that every girl is dying to grow up and date A-Rod, right?  I think not.  Thanks for nothing idiot.  You, my friend, are a real fat prize.  Pure proof of what stupidity and gluttony can do to a person.  That's Rush Limbaugh.

Maybe tomorrow I'll discuss how dumb it is that some women are up in arms about tax codes and medical expenses that benefit women and children (breast pumps, breastfeeding supplies) but they don't seem to care that contact lenses are also defined as a tax coded medical reimbursement.  Heaven forbid we encourage something healthy that benefits women and children.  It's so elitist to think that way. Snort.

GoDaddy.com Super Bowl Commercial Equals FAIL

It is probably no surprise that I don't like GoDaddy.com commercials, especially during the Super Bowl. Their obvious attempt at using scantily clad women to draw people to their product isn't even tongue in cheek or even a cute, cheeky attempt at humor.  It's just dumb and contrived. 

Imagine my delight when I discovered the Network Solutions (I swear this is NOT sponsored) commercial starring Cloris Leachman.  Now this is an ad that makes me want to visit its website.



Adding in Blogher's very own Lisa Stone is just an added bonus.  I heart commercials that show people I have met and talked to and worked with IRL.  Who doesn't?  It's true too. We "geeks" want real answers to our tech issues and questions not women in leather flipping their hair and showing their tata's. 

GoDaddy.com commercial - 0.  Cloris Leachman Network Solutions ad-1

P.S. I really wanted to call this post, "GoDaddy Can Suck Cloris Leachman's Right Tit. "  But you know, I wanted to keep it classy. 

The Thursday Crank

Things making me cranky this week-

I took the all three kids to the dentist on Tuesday.  TD was getting her six month check-up and The Comedian was going for the first time.  It was 3 p.m. and I knew we were chancing it.  It could have been so much worse, I know that.  The Comedian could have kicked and screamed in the chair.  The Fifth Element could have cried and fussed more than she did.  As it was, corralling a two year-old while her big sister gets her teeth cleaned and simultaneously trying to rock a baby in a carrier while she screams is a tough feat.  When we got home I ate six snack sized Kit-Kat bars in a moment of stressed out weakness.  Yup.  Did I mention I also smeared them in peanut butter before cramming them into my piehole? Oh yes I did!  Jillian Michael's should kick me in the teeth for such gluttony.

I think it would be a great piece of irony if Sarah Palin was mauled by a real Mama Grizzly while filming her new Alaskan reality show.

Mario Lopez and his dimples either have a deal with the devil or Jedi mind trick powers to be able to keep working in the Hollywood system.  "Keep letting me smile my way on camera.  These are the dimples you are looking for..." Blech.

I found myself awake at 1:30 in the morning earlier this week.  I decided to read and eat some dried cereal.  Suddenly The Comedian woke up effectively nixing the idea that I can eat alone at any point in the day. 

The Wednesday Crank

I don't know what is going on right now but people are seriously cranky out there today.  I have a cold and deadlines and I would much rather be laying in bed watching bad television and nursing this two week long snot-fest but I'm not cranky. 

Except when I see this stuff then I get all firey, 'van down by the river', Andy Rooney like cranky-

Amazon has a Kindle book for sale that is a 'how to' on pedophilia.  Yes, really. It's got us Twitter folks all up in arms.  Even those who may not have babes in them.  Just sick and wrong Amazon. Flag this as innappropriate, people. Let's get it off the site.

That kid from the new 2011 Toyota Highlander commercials.  I sort of want to beat his little snot-nosed, leather bomber wearing jacket self up each time I see it.  I tell you what's "lame" you little whippersnapper! You and the Toyota marketing team who thought selling an image like that would be cool.  Just ick. 

All the articles in magazines and websites regarding how not to gain 'holiday pounds'.  I'm over it. I'm still plowing through my kids Halloween candy people.  TWO KIDS WORTH!  I know my limits. I work out. I'm moderate- most days.  SHUT THE F UP about the holiday pounds. It's so boring and done.  Like 1997 done.  Note:  The same magazine will then display glossy photos of holiday baked goods to make for your friends and family to feast on.  Let them gain the pounds I suppose.  Heh.

Things that Burn My Britches

I read this post by my friend, Kim today and now not only are her panties in a bunch but mine are too. I mean seriously, Wal-mart? Get on the wagon and realize you have to pay your bloggers for their work. I'm getting real tired of the whole,"your blog will be promoted through us..." as payback line. We're doing the work, we are finding your audience or hawking your products, it takes time and research, so pay us. Enough said.

Then I got to thinking about other things that have gotten my undapeeants not just in a bunch but burned.

- When someone writes a check. Be it Target, Smarmy-mart (aka Wal-Mart) or the 7th ring of hell also known as Safeway, I ask you this- Who does that anymore? I'm not saying you need to be swiping your little Visa go card all over the place but check writing reminds me of tissues up an old ladies shirt sleeves, mothballs and velamints.

- Companies that send teensy, tiny samples of body oil, body butter, body scrub- BODY ANYTHING- in jars the size of a nickel or quarter. Ooooh my pinky finger is so moisturized or exfoliated now! Really? I want to give a bad review based solely on that stingy factor.

- Fox News claiming they are fair and balanced. It used to make me laugh really hard not I just narrow my eyes into tiny slits. Sadly, no new is fair and balanced. Except maybe, The Onion.

- When your OB-GYN (or any doctor for that matter) talks so fast you have to replay the last thing she said so many times in your head to understand it that you miss everything else that she spouted out after that. I like more than five minutes of your time, doc. Remind me to never see you again. I'll stick to the mid-wives from here on out. They at least ooze a slowness that comes only from promoting natural child-birth and not dollar signs.

- When people call me Victa. It happens more than you would imagine.

Am I a Manners Nazi?

I tried not to get my undies in a bunch. I tried not to eavesdrop, I swear.

In my defense, H was at the bathroom with T.D. and the restaurant was so quiet it was hard not to hear the conversation going on at the next table.

Mother: "Put that game-boy (or whatever piece of electronic gaming device the kid had in hand) down! The dinner table is not the place and you've been on it for about five hours today! Give it to me! Now!"

Kids meekly hands over gaming device.

Father: Rolls eyes. "Why can't he have it? He's not bothering anyone."

Mother: Exasperated sigh. "Why?! Because the dinner table or a restaurant is not the place for these things. We were not allowed to do this type of stuff when we were kids."

Father: "We didn't have toys like this and electronics when we were kids! We had coloring books and regular books..."

At this point, H came back to the table and I grinned at him. Ah, blog fodder...

There are two points in this conversation that stand out to me. The first one being that this conversation should not even be occurring in front of the kid. It should have been conducted earlier between the parents alone, working out their opinions on the matter or just continued later without the child present. Kids don't need to see that sort of differing of opinion on discipline issues. Then they know how to divide and conquer. It happens, yes, but that was my first thought.

Second, reading, playing games of the electronic type or other such things is a no-no at the dinner table at home and out. At least it was when I was a kid. Sure, we let T.D. color her place mat but she's 2 and when food arrives we take the stuff away. However, this kid was about ten. Old enough to hold a conversation and sit still without entertainment. Not to be all old and curmudgeonly but back in my day, that was not allowed. The issue of books vs. electronic toys which were not always available is a moot point. Reading at the table was considered rude to the other people at the table. You contributed to the conversation and if you didn't have anything to add then you simply sat and listened. Or stared at a wall. Heaven forbid you stare at other restaurant patrons or try to slink beneath the table.

Am I just a manner Nazi here or do I have a point? Does this stuff even matter anymore? You tell me.

Fear and Loathing- The Today Show

I realized something today.

I hate the Today Show.

No, actually, check that. I loathe the Today Show.

Why?

Because it has quite possibly the most insipid segments on it. They seem like a good idea at the time but then the advice springs forth and I find myself wanting a blunt object to gouge my eyes out to hide myself from the bullet points of tips and tricks.

I never watch this tripe unless of course someone I know is on it and even then I DVR the sucker and fast forward through all the heinous parts and most certainly that last hour with Kathie Lee. You know what I'm talking about too. That last hour alone will deliver a slow death to your brain as it numbs it into submission and then sucks all and any self-preserving knowledge you might have contained in your noggin previously. That's it, really, I would rather watch Noggin for hours on end than an episode of the Today Show.

Why am I this much in arms over something I can easily ignore? Simply this, the news stories are for about 15 minutes. Ann Curry is insulted. The handy dandy little segments and nuggets of helpful knowledge are anything but that. They play on the viewer being a complete moron who cannot think for themselves. It's sad too because back in the day, not even that long ago, the Today Show had actual news. There was real reporting and not just pilfered ad spots and PR people blatantly handing the anchors something to dish about. Now global news is which celebrity is overseas having a baby this week and who made the best dressed list world-wide. It's maddening.

That segment today about what to do if you do not like or trust your doctor had some stellar advice indeed, "Find a new doctor." Go ahead, bang your head on something hard. I wanted to too.

Golly gee, Matt Lauer you are Brilliant, with a capital B.

The rest of the show continued on this path until I found myself nearly hurling my MIL's remote at her television set. I need to watch the tube to get that sort of common sense advice? Is America really that helpless? God help us if we are.

I fear for my brain and for our future.