When the Spouse is Away

Cross-posted and archived from DC Metro Moms.  Original post from March 16, 2008.  This wasn't the case this past week, though we did take a small road trip, when H left on a work trip but more often than not there is more freedom in our schedule and we enjoy it as long as there are no anxiety issues about Daddy being gone.

Man, there is a lot of freedom!


I kid. Well, not really. My husband recently left for a work trip that will take him away from us for about three weeks. As a former military spouse I've learned that during this time I need to stay busy. Now a mother with an active two year old I realize just how wide open our schedule has become when we don't have those "Daddy Breaks" in our days. Yet, there is also a certain freedom. The freedom to not have dinner at the same time each night or to be able to up and leave in the evening and not worry that ones spouse might want to stay home and have a family night in. The ability to spend the night taking up the whole bed or curling my hair while I listen to NPR and let my ex-foliating face mask sink in leaves me positively drunk with freedom.

I realized a few other things too. My inner anal retentive neat freak takes a vacation. Suddenly, I don't care if the milk sits out on the counter for more than 2.5 seconds after use. Mail piles up, there isn't a carnivorous dish to be devoured and bedtimes are way lax. Pajama time lasts all day and play dates go on forever. The laundry monster takes over a large portion of my bedroom floor and toys are helter skelter in every room. When there is no one to come home to at night my daughter and I are in a constant state of play.

The television sees nary a second of EhSpehn, that's ESPN to you non-watchers, and it is all documentaries, the BBC, viewings of Lipstick Jungle, Medium and all other sorts of craptastic television that usually causes my spouse to go running from the room screaming that if he "watches one more second of this show his eyes and ears will bleed!"

I load up my work schedule and there is never a scheduling issue, eat ravioli out of a can, peruse the aisles of Target after 5 p.m. and my nails while normally ignored have the highest attention paid to them. That includes the toes. My pits? They forget what a razor looks like. While I am indulging left and right in vices and evening glasses of wine after bedtime my daughter is indulged too. The play dates (to keep me sane) are more frequent, the playground and park ventures become habit and meals consist of her favorite food groups: fruit, cheese, cheese, cookie. Breakfast for dinner? It's thrice a week.

By the time my husband comes home weary from his trip we are worn out from all our "let's keep busy and forget Daddy is gone" adventures. It is a welcome relief to get back into our routine and add some structure into our days too. However, it is during these times that I not only take a break from being so focused on getting things done and the drudgery that the everyday can be, but I often find myself being more creative with myself and having more fun with my daughter. These times alone give us the chance to be silly and fun on an unconstrained time frame and I cherish it.

I cherish the ability to eat a pound of cheese in one sitting two nights in a row followed by a heaping bowl of popcorn accompanied by simultaneous Newsweek reading and House of Eliott watching too.



Comments


Linda said...


My husband travels quite a bit, in fact, he's gone this whole week. With spring break, we've also had to fill up our schedule with LOTS of activities. My favorite is playdates that turn into dinner. Then the kids come home exhausted, don't fight me on bedtime and then it's all about me for the evening. But, like you, we are very anxious for his return a week later as I'm exhausted in planning.


Reply March 16, 2008 at 10:06 AM TechSavvyMama said...


My husband was gone all week so I know what you mean. It is a nice break in the routine to have dinner when the kids and I are ready instead of having to wait for Daddy to come home. I spend most of my evenings when he's gone catching up on TV shows, my growing stack of magazines, and blogging. However, now that he's back, we certainly missed him and am glad to be back to our routine.

I Am Not Un-American

I've been hearing a lot about the erosion of family in this country lately and how it's due to all the "changes" our nation has gone through in the last few decades. When this subject of erosion arises it is typically followed with the reasons being gay marriage, pro-choice or women working more.

I'm sorry but I fail to see how two men or women getting married and possibly starting a family to be an erosion of any sorts. If anything the erosion is that we simply lack the selfless behavior and feelings of charity and goodwill towards other human beings who think differently than we do. We used to have them. We are so busy filling our homes with items that we want other people to see us having that we have become too preoccupied and fail to see and converse with the people who share that space with us- our families. We get wrapped up in petty fights and families break apart and siblings no longer talk. Years go by and that link is lost. More people are affected than just the two arguing but they don't see it.

Let me ask you this- Raise your hand if you know and have befriended your neighbor. Have you been in their house? Do you know their names even? In many cities and towns this is no longer the case. We wouldn't know if our neighbor went missing because we don't pay attention to others around us anymore. We are too busy with our own lives. We are too busy. Yet, it's not really busy. It is just distractions.

In other more cheesy words, "We've lost that loving feeling." We claim to get back into this at this time of year. We vowed to ban together last November, remember? Then it got hard and things didn't poof! magically change overnight like we are so accustomed. Why can't the changes needed to fix our nation be as fast as my food, phone and computer? Damn it! But I want them now! Blech.

As Americans we love to say things like, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it!" or "These colors don't run!" That apple pie is American. Well, I hate apple pie. Does that make me un-American? Does it make me un-American to support choice? That I have gay friends and family members who I support and love? That I believe what Matthew Hoh has to say but still support our troops? No, it doesn't. To me you become un-American when you start spouting crap about what makes someone American or not and setting up those dividing lines. I know as a country we are all about choice and freedom of one's opinion but intolerance isn't freedom of one's opinion. It's simply hatred and fear in disguise.

Here's the thing, no matter what side we are on this country is broken. B-R-O-K-E-N. Broken. We all need to stand up and admit it and cop to being part of the problem. We Americans love to talk. Look at all our pundits. Pundits don't solve problems. Arguing with those who already side with your own point of view doesn't solve our problems either. Respecting each other, actually listening and working together doesn't make you "evil" either. When I hear that Republican Senators are treated like defectors, ignored and disowned by their party simply because they want to reach across the aisle and work with the Democrats on fixing our country it makes me so incredibly sad and furiously angry. It makes me want to do things to these one-sided self-serving fools that would have me arrested. About forty times. I want to scream, "It's not about you! It's about the greater good!" I know I'm an idealist, it's sweet isn't it? I hate to get all Carrie Bradshaw on you when I say, "I can't help but wonder if we started getting to know our neighbors, talking to our family members more and shutting off our "stuff", if we heard others more no matter what their view we could grow enough to actually fix and create the changes our nation so desperately needs." It's imploding on top of us and it's our fault.

It takes time and we are only at the tippiest tip of the base of the start of this change but we are there. We just have to realize it will be a long, arduous battle. Not just give it lip service either. It is a work in progress that won't be fixed perfectly the first time around. It is one that doesn't get solved by arguing with those who agree with us but by opening our ears, minds and hearts to all those around us. Reaching out, fostering relationships, coming together and working for change is American. Hating those who think differently, refusing to work and listen to the other side and calling them traitors to their country? Well, that sounds like the work of a terrorist if you ask me.

Free To Just Be

Ever since we found out we were going to be parents H and I knew that we would without a doubt let our kids feel free to be themselves. Their quirks and personalities, likes and dislikes were free to gad about and we would not try to stifle them. Lefties are welcome just like kids with blue hair and opposing political views.

Then the other day I realized we actually haven't been doing that. TD has some wildly untamable hair and everyday we run the gamut of detangler, soaking every layer and then combing it out. "Combing out the weave" is what H calls it. It's definitely a process and one that goes completely AWOL about ten minutes later. Inevitably I end up combing her whole head about three more times in a day. If I don't do this it looks like a pack of rabid squirrels ran through it while trying to find a place to nest. Seriously. I would not be surprised if one day I saw a pair of beady little eyes glaring out at me from that blond halo of hair.

Why were we trying to suppress and tame TD's hair so much? The insane factor of it is the topic of conversation from our friends, family and neighbors each time she sets foot outside our home. "It's hilarious!" they say. "What are we going to do with it?" ask members of our family as if it a detriment to national security or something. Finally I decided to say "F it!" It's her hair. That is the way she is and trying to comb it down only shows her we are trying to change who she is and that's not what we want her to learn from us.

Am I reading too much into it? Maybe. But think back to how many of us have tried to change ourselves to conform to what society deems acceptable. Are we ever as happy as we think we should be when we do conform? The answer is usually no.

BEFORE

From now on TD is free to be and quite frankly I think it's pretty damn cute this way as well.

AFTER


Let's all give a nice round of congratulations to my friend Kristen over at Mommy Needs a Cocktail. She's just birthed a fine baby boy. I can't wait to meet the newest member of that clan.

And if you are feeling an itch to join in on a cause that is near and dear to my heart read this Deep South Moms post and join in to boycott Nickelodeon and Viacom for not booting Chris Brown from the Kid's Choice Awards show. Sure, let's just start giving awards to abusers and in front of children... Maybe, just maybe we could teach kids about the topic of abuse instead of awarding bad behavior.

Tarzhay Drapes = Freedom

T.D. has been at Nana's since Tuesday. It's always weird when she is gone. The days fly by. H & I don't know what to do with ourselves and the house feels too quiet. At the same time though I've had concentrated times to work and download useless songs on my Ipod (I went a little Depeche Mode crazy yesterday). We miss her but there is something to be said for all this-

Wandering through Target with only my purse. I spent twenty minutes just looking at drapes. I wandered through every department actually looking at things and processing information. The light I want for our bathroom? I STILL remember the price and I didn't even have to write it down! What's more? I didn't buy a thing! I walked out of Tarzhay with nada. That is a feat or a miracle unto itself!

Ulta. Found some fun things for giveaways. Actually took the time to browse and find items that weren't junk. Kick ass!

Tweezed eyebrows. Removed nail polish. Applied face mask (it's work I'm reviewing it!) and listened to a book on tape all at once. It's like a fantasy is taking place in my house.

The ability to make unlimited and banal calls to make appointments without a screaming child in the background.

Picking up and just leaving to work somewhere other than the dining room table, floor, couch or bedroom.

Where was I at 6:35 on a Wednesday night? The movies. Seeing Juno. Bliss!

OK. I'll stop. I miss my girl. I miss her funny little dances and her propensity for running in circles and barking orders at the dog. Yet, I need this time. I am working like mad and it feels great!




I'm in a generous mood today so I'm giving away a Nankeen Ying bag. Head on over to Mummy's Product Reviews to find out the details on how you can get this incredibly cool and enviable bag with a computer sleeve.

For Goodness Sake think of Alice Paul

Cross-posted from Moms Speak Up-

Less than 100 years ago women fought for the right to vote. They fought long and hard battles staging protests and strikes in front of the White House. These women were the first people to protest in front of the White House ever. For women like Alice Paul and Lucy Burns, often described as militants, the decision to fight for the women’s right to vote was especially strong. These women endured prison time in the Occoquan Work House right here in Virginia only ten minutes from where I now live. They went on hunger strikes and the prison guards force fed them through tubes. Imprisoned three times Alice Paul would not back down. Nothing was more important to her than the women’s suffrage movement. Through her and other women’s actions, the demonstrations, parades, fires and mass meetings these women made a valid point. They were equal and deserved one of the greatest parts of being an American, the right to vote.

When I think of how these women who were part of the Congressional Union for Women’s Suffrage would react if they knew that some people, women included, would give up their right to cast a ballot for a piece of technology or and sum of money it sickens me. I feel physical pain and tears actually well up in my eyes. I want to spit fire and rain hell down on those who choose to give up their right to vote. To me it is a sacred and hard fought victory. Not voting as a woman is like pissing on these women’s graves. Their persistence and refusal to back down is part of what makes this country great but also why they won their battle. They never gave up. They never gave in no matter how arduous it was. We shouldn’t either. It makes me proud to be a woman when I think of them.

I know that today we are all very busy with our individual lives. We have families, jobs and everyday lives crammed full of things. The election is a year away. So why do we need to think about voting now? For one reason and that is to educate ourselves. To arm ourselves with the knowledge about each candidate so when it comes time to vote in the primaries and later the general election we can feel confident in our decision. If sites like BridesDecide can easily outline what each candidate stands for then why can’t we simply spend a small amount of time to pick a candidate? You probably won’t find one that believes in all the same ideals as you because most of us don’t even find that in our significant others, but just try. Take a few minutes today and do some research. Educate yourself and make the conscious decision to vote in 2008. If you aren’t registered yet NOW is the time! It takes five minutes! I swear I did it on Rock the Vote a few years back when I moved to this area. Within minutes I was a proud Virginia voter.

Vote. Do it for the future of this country. Do it so you have the right to complain when things are not to your liking, because if you refuse to cast a ballot then you have no right to argue or bitch when things go against your beliefs. Remember it is not just women in this country who fought for the right to vote. Think of the people of all races and genders all over the world who have given their life for this precious gift of choice. Let that be your guide.

Beside Myself

T.D. has gone on a whirlwind adventure to her Nana's house for a... wait for it... drum roll please... a solid week! I hardly know what to do with myself. I know the time will fly by as I've already got the following planned.

Hours of reviews to conduct and write up (that includes pureeing many a vegetable and fruit and freezing it)

Hours working here. I must reach Bongo the Clown. Though really? Asking for Bongo never stops being funny.

One baseball game (the last at RFK..sniff, sniff if I were actually a Nats fan. Go SOX!)

Some light yard work (I know the excitement doesn't end)

Getting myself to a bridal shop where I will cringe as I'm measured publicly for yet another bridesmaid dress. (Don't get me wrong I love the honor I just don't love the markup or the dyed shoes.)

Possibly relaxing and reading the six books and counting that are stacking up on my nightstand. This does not count the magazines all chocked full of fabulous fall fashions or the need I have to consume an entire season of DEXTER and 30 ROCK in one day.

Pedicure- check!

Possibly painting my bathroom. It really should be done by 2008 even if it is December 2008.

One office party to go to for H's company. Mummy might have to actually sit on a bale of hay and feed a goat. Does one wear pearls to that?

One surprise birthday bash in a museum. Pearls can most definetly be worn there! Hopefully there's no hay.

A night out with the spouse- plans are in the making

And all the other things that make up an average day that are ever more humdrum than the things I've just described.

I am desperate to enjoy this time and know it will go quickly. I am still in the cocked ear mode of listening for T.D. to begin her cries of, "LADY! I'M UP! Come get me!!! NOW!!!" It's all to good to be true really. If I wasn't sitting on my ass typing this post I would be doing a jig at my fortune of having this freedom.