Question of the Week-#103

If you are a working Mom, like me, do you find yourself not willing to discuss your child at work? Or like me find that people are afraid to ask you about your child because they think you don't want them to ask? Is there a line I'm not aware of?

Last week was my first week back at work and like any parent I brought photos in and posted them up in my office. I am one of few women in my office and while I'm not one of the only parents there aren't too many kiddie pics up or floating around. I steeled myself during the first day from making people look at photos of my baby even though all I could do all day was stare at her precious little face and sigh whistfully. As the week wore on I noticed something strange happening. People would see me and say "Welcome Back!" and ask if I had pictures. This was normally as I walked through a hallway and I would reply that yes I did have photos and they were in my office. They would always reply with an "Oh!" as if I was supposed to whip them out right then and there. I don't even have pockets in half my pants (that is a whole other issue- why don't women's pants have pockets?!) so carrying around pictures was not something I was doing. Then, in our weekly staff meeting my boss welcomed me back and said this- "If it's not too unprofessional would you mind us asking how the baby is?" WHAT? This is a man who told me I had to find someone to teach my kid the "pull my finger" joke. These are the same people who feel free to talk about whatever, whenever no matter who is present. UNPROFESSIONAL? Please! I said no, it's fine and so is the baby. That's it. I didn't go beyond that because it's a staff meeting and who wants to hear me drone on about how I think my kid is the cutest one ever created? Blah, blah, blah... It happened again later in another meeting in a project I'm on- how is the baby? I said - fine and smiled. I don't even know this person, how do they know I have a baby I wondered. My co-worker said to him- Oh, she doesn't like people asking about her kid. I couldn't believe it. I try to not gush and annoy people too much and I come off like some freaky celebrity who doesn't want anyone viewing photos of her child or who refuses to discuss them in interviews. It really made me wonder what the heck I was supposed to have done. What is the happy medium?

FREE hit counter and Internet traffic statistics from freestats.com

As Joey would say- WHOA!

WHOA is right! I was so not prepared for the complexity of emotions I felt all day at work yesterday and even more at night.

Work was boring. It was like being a new employee all over again. No one knew I was there, I had expired passwords, nothing was plugged in, and I had to re-register on everything. My timecard still does not work as of this morning. Sigh. There is no work to be done either. Wonderful. Just what I needed- time to sit and dwell.

I raced home as fast as one can in the DC Metro traffic to pick the baby up. I was so anxious to see her and hold her! Once I got to the daycare I saw she was fine. More than fine. It was as if she didn't even miss me. Or know that I was gone. What a blow. It's nice to know that she is well taken care of and all but I was not prepared to feel that way. We got home and had some one on one time chatting about our day and out of nowhere the kid laughs for the first time. I cried. Just one of the many times I cried yesterday. I'm so freakin' emotional lately.

When Dom got home we had dinner and I tried to put on this brave, funny face about work and what happened all day. I was fine! I missed her but fine. Then my Mom called and I lost it. I just broke down crying about how I HATED work and the tedium that is often motherhood was more satisfying than pricing obscure parts for an item that I'm not even allowed to know about. Afterwards I told my husband, who could tell there was something majorly wrong with me as I clutched the baby and sniffled around the house, that I don't care about vacations or tons of new stuff. I just want to stay home and raise our daughter. It blew my mind. I never thought I would like being a Mom or want to stay home much less ask to! It still somewhat puzzles me and makes me wonder- Have I grown up a bit? Hmm....

We are mulling things over for now and trying to figure it all out. I will continue to suck it up and tell myself it's ok. It has to be for now because as I've mentioned earlier - there is no quick fix for this issue. In time I hope that I can take her out of daycare but for now I'll just have more to juggle on my plate. It's not like I'm alone in this.

Question of the Week-#102

Ok ladies and maybe a few gents out there here is your question of the week-

Would you "pimp" your kid out? Meaning would you become a stage Mom or Dad weilding your child's career behind a curtain and let them do films, tv, or modeling even at the infant age?

Let fly!

Countdown to Lockdown

Well, I'm back. At work that is. I slept like total crap last night after smoking four cigarettes (no I'm not a smoker really) and having a glass of wine. I was in denial even as a car accident happened right in front me on 95N this morning. I pulled into the parking lot and walked into the building- fine. I smelled that nasty old linoleum smell crica 1950 as I walked in and thought- Wow- last time I was here Reagan was with me. I was pregnant but she was with me. It hit me that I haven't been seperated from her in almost a year. And today the cord had it's first cut.

I really thought I would be ok. I walked to my office and saw the gray windowless walls and started to cry. It was awful. I come in early so only one person was around but he sits right across from me. He came over and hugged me and told me it would be ok and I felt like a jerk but hey- this is hard! I didn't drop her off this morning but I did linger as my husband got her ready for her first day at "school".

It's funny I just never thought I would be the woman who would want to stay home with her kids. Even the first few days after she was born I remarked to my best friend- I'm so ready to go back to work. No... I was so ready to have my house back and my life normal. Normal as it's ever going to be now.

All last week and the last few days I've felt like my own version of BET's "Countdown to Lockdown" for Lil' Kim. I was angry and sad, tense and annoyed. People at work are really nice but I have no work yet and that is a BIG problem. It just makes me dwell all the more.

Nope, this is not a witty entry it's just a sad somewhat self-pitying one.

Thanks to those who anwered the question of the week last week. I'll bring another up soon!

Question of the Week-#1

I am hoping to dispel myths, create discussions and obtain viewpoints from my readers so each week I would like to pose a question. Please feel free to comment on it or email me your thoughts and I'll post them on the blog. Now on to my first question-

When you think of a new mother what images pop into your mind and why?

I know for me I picture a woman unshowered, sleep deprived with messy hair and in a less than fashionable outfit on. There might be a diaper hanging off her somewhere and a child sweetly asleep nearby. That kid is about the only being in the house who is getting any sleep. There is probably a sink full of dishes, an entire floor of laundry to do and dead flowers in florist vases littering the house. If there is a pet in the home, it's a good bet that poor creature is skulking around the house in search of anyone to pet them.

I know I had all this mind when Reagan was born. I was horrified to hear stories of days without showers, multiple days in a row in fact. I couldn't fathom it. I still can't. After delivering her and all the ickiness your body produces after the fact and the giant Depends like pads that you must wear how can one not shower?!? I found the swing to be my best friend and still do. I put her in it - it's a small portable one and it stays in the bathroom. I plop her in and shower away. Sometimes she cries but if I'm not clean I don't feel like a good person or mom. That's just me. Some women might think the idea of letting her cry for 5 minutes is bad but I guess I'm just a 70's throwback mom and proud of it.

The Big But...

In prevous posts I've alluded to my husband being very hands on and protective. He's a great father BUT... he's also a man. I know that sounds bad to some but we all know that sometimes they just don't get it. I personally think in some instances, like the one I'll outline below, they totally get it BUT choose to ignore it.

Ok, this might get ugly but I need to get this the hell out of my system.

Sunday morning I awoke in our hotel to feed the baby. She slept a record number of 8 hours but after a night of dancing and having a few I was still exhausted. My husband, he was completely hung over. Nice. This always works my last nerve because I just never let myself get that drunk. I don't mix my alchohols, it's like Drinking 101 but somehow he doesn't get it. Maybe one day he'll get the hang of it. Until then I will always be pissed off the next morning when I'm the one packing up all our gear and the babies, getting myself ready and starving because we are supposed to be heading out the door to eat but he can't get his hungover butt off the hotel couch or bed. Whew! This is exactly what happened. Then we drive home, me in the drivers seat, he slumped over in the passenger seat. Me shooting devil looks at him and hoping I don't fall asleep at the wheel. He finally requests that we stop for him to have some hangover cure-all food. McDonald's. We're already running late meeting friends for lunch. The last thing I want is to add fat-ass inducing McD's to my meal plan but I'm dying here! So I stop. We eventually meet our friends and he is suddenly fine and we have our second lunch. Augh. I know I'm not alone here in this behavior.

Monday dawns after a full day of me alone caring for the baby. He has taken a week off from work to help out as I get ready to head back to work. What a great guy huh? BUT... NO! He spends the entire day outside. I am stuck inside with the baby tending her needs while he washes windows, lays mulch, etc. Yes, these things need to be done but I was starting to feel the need for a break from the continous feeding and diaper changing. What happens next? He finishes his yard work, while I've done 5 loads of laundry, unpacked and put all our stuff away, cleaned and run errands as well as entertain and care for our kid. He goes out that night. He doesn't come back until almost 11. Doesn't call, nothing! He gets home and I'm trying desperately to stay awake and feed her one last time. She's not having any of it.

WARNING: this is where I start to really lose it.

She's squirming, fighting sleep, it's going on an hour and 15 minutes of trying to get her to sleep and stop crying. He says - WOW! I'm really wired from being out! How are you feeling? ( I was sick earlier in the day too- fever, aches, I have no idea why, run down I suppose) I reply- I'm exhausted and still not feeling any better.

Does he offer to take the baby and put her down as this is normally his time to deal with her. Nope! He just stares at me and then watches sports. 20 minutes later he comes upstairs to find me asleep and still holding the wide awake child. He finally says- Do you want me to take her? At this time , I think- WHAT IS THE FREAKING POINT?! JUST LEAVE ME BEFORE I HURT YOU WITH MY DEATH RAYS THAT ARE NOW GOING TO START SHOOTING OUT OF MY EYES!!

Sadly this story does continue. I finally crawl under the covers, so happy to be there and he turns to me and says- "You know you don't seem yourself the last few days. I want you to take it easy this week and not be stressed out with going back to work. That's why I'm off. To handle and help out." He then proceeds to try and make out with me. I have to literally ball up my fists and bite my lower lip to keep from spewing out the copious amounts of bile I can feel brewing inside me.

BUT...it goes on. Sorry dear reader it does. BUT... hang in there. Tuesday morning comes. The baby is up even earlier than normal. No rest for the wicked I guess. My mind is slowly turning to mush. Evil thoughts cloud my vision. I am an angry, sick woman whose spouse is IGNORING the crying baby and sleeping in. I'm trying to get us both out the door to drop off the car for some routine work. Trying my damndest to get the thought out of my head that my spouse, at this point in name only, is spending the day outside again, in the glorious sunshine at a baseball game with a friend. I will spend it with the baby again, running around trying to get crap done. Sigh... are you feeling my pain here? I'm getting to the end of my rope.

I do try and make the best of it all and instead of waiting indoors at the auto shop I take the baby for a walk around the area and we walk to the library, my gym where I used to sweat and back again. As I'm leaving guess who pulls into the parking lot. I think- Oh! Is he actually here to say goodbye to me and see how we are? NOPE. He says- "I can't find my cell phone charger. Is it in your car?" I resist whacking his head repeatedly into the hard car door. Or backing over his foot. He kisses me goodbye and says- "Ooohkay..." because I'm less than pliable to him at this point. I yell fakely- Have fun!!!

I get home and he has not taken out the trash. He has left the trash out but not outside nor did he get it from all over the house. It was the one thing I asked him to do before I left that morning. There is now a dent in the counter where I slammed an object down in fury.

This has been one giant-ass BUT...

Mummy's Big Night Out

I've heard tell in some parts there are women who plot and plan and scheme and still have the hardest time leaving their child with a babysitter for the first time. I even know of a husband and wife whose eldest child is 7 and has never had a babysitter. They have literally never even had family watch her.

I'm here to tell you I am not one of those women. I first left Reagan with my parents and husband (what could be better and easier that first time than family?!) to get a massage a few days after she was born. I had the most intense shoulder pain and it was to everyone's benefit that I get it taken care of. I didn't even think twice I just zoomed out the door. A few days later I did the same thing to get my hair highlighted and cut. She got a little sick but it was all ok. These are capable people were talking about. My husband, God bless him, is just fine with the baby and knows I need "me" time too just like him.

So this past weekend the family journeyed to Pennsylvania state for a friend's wedding. The bridal couple was nice and thoughtful enough to find us a baby sitter so that we could attend the ceremony and reception. I looked forward to this day way too much I know but it was well worth it. Yes, I was nervous and apprehensive about leaving our 6 week old with a total stranger but I trusted our friends that she was capable and we would be near by and a cellphone call away as well.

The Big Night out was everything I had hoped it would be- I got to get all gussied up, wear some kicky silver heels and drink and dance. We had dinner and conversation without getting up to change a diaper, replace a pacifier or discuss various baby mishaps that had occured that day. We felt like adults that day. I felt refreshed. The funniest part of the whole experience was how I noticed that my husband is way more maternal than me. It almost made me feel bad! He was the one who wrote out detailed instructions on feedings, bedtime and likes and dislikes. He showed the sitter around our hotel suite and made sure she knew how to reach us. He was also the one to go back and check on her, call her, and the one who had to drag me out of the reception early to go home. He simply couldn't take it! It wasn't enough that we left early an boarded the first shuttle back to the hotel. Oh No! It wasn't departing fast enough for this new Dad. He saw a person who we previously had not known until sitting at a table with them through dinner and made us bum a ride. Yes, he was a bit tipsy but it was almost comical and touching how badly he wanted to get home to his child. Upon getting back to the room he take the baby and cuddle her until they were both asleep. I saw the sitter out after asking the pertinent questions and paid her. I think she found the whole "role reversal" pretty amusing. I know I did.

Days later I'm still happy that I didn't bow out of the offer of a sitter. I'm glad we went and I know that in a few months when we leave her for the whole weekend (with grandparents but still) I'll be ok. I'll miss her but I will be able to enjoy myself as well. To me that makes a better parent. We all need to step back from our jobs for a vacation and parenting is one of the toughest jobs there is if you do it right. It was great feeling like an adult and not a feed bag for a few hours and good for both of us to see each other in a different light.

Today is the First Day of the Rest of Your Life

Since this is the first post/venture into this blog for me I figured I would provide a bit of background for anyone who is new. I decided to create this blog after realizing that the one I have for my family was not enough. I didn't want to print such personal views on it when it was supposed to be just pictures and updates for the family. Plus I needed a place to vent, question and organize my thoughts on my day to day life as a new mother.

How it all began.... on February 24th, 2006 I became a mom. My daughter Reagan was born and for all intensive purposes here I was my daughter's keeper. I'm not a maternal person. Babies are ok, childeren in public places I could do without. Still, I knew one day I would probably have a child but, I knew also I could not be one of those mothers who seem to sprout from the religeous right or some earth mommy who makes organic food and both find complete satisfaction in being their childs parent. Being a mother is journey for everyone and one that is deeply personal. Fufilling one moment, completely void the next. Each day has it's rewards and hurdles like anything else. It's quite frankly a job. I knew all this going in but I find daily I need a place to put my thoughts or I'll go mad so here it goes. Read as I blunder along and bear with me. Forward this to other mothers or those you think might enjoy this type of thing. I'm new and I'll make mistakes and we all have our own opinions on things. If this takes off then maybe it will become a forum. That's my hope anyway.

Until next time...
Vicky