Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Countdown to Lockdown

Well, I'm back. At work that is. I slept like total crap last night after smoking four cigarettes (no I'm not a smoker really) and having a glass of wine. I was in denial even as a car accident happened right in front me on 95N this morning. I pulled into the parking lot and walked into the building- fine. I smelled that nasty old linoleum smell crica 1950 as I walked in and thought- Wow- last time I was here Reagan was with me. I was pregnant but she was with me. It hit me that I haven't been seperated from her in almost a year. And today the cord had it's first cut.

I really thought I would be ok. I walked to my office and saw the gray windowless walls and started to cry. It was awful. I come in early so only one person was around but he sits right across from me. He came over and hugged me and told me it would be ok and I felt like a jerk but hey- this is hard! I didn't drop her off this morning but I did linger as my husband got her ready for her first day at "school".

It's funny I just never thought I would be the woman who would want to stay home with her kids. Even the first few days after she was born I remarked to my best friend- I'm so ready to go back to work. No... I was so ready to have my house back and my life normal. Normal as it's ever going to be now.

All last week and the last few days I've felt like my own version of BET's "Countdown to Lockdown" for Lil' Kim. I was angry and sad, tense and annoyed. People at work are really nice but I have no work yet and that is a BIG problem. It just makes me dwell all the more.

Nope, this is not a witty entry it's just a sad somewhat self-pitying one.

Thanks to those who anwered the question of the week last week. I'll bring another up soon!

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