Thursday, April 20, 2006

As Joey would say- WHOA!

WHOA is right! I was so not prepared for the complexity of emotions I felt all day at work yesterday and even more at night.

Work was boring. It was like being a new employee all over again. No one knew I was there, I had expired passwords, nothing was plugged in, and I had to re-register on everything. My timecard still does not work as of this morning. Sigh. There is no work to be done either. Wonderful. Just what I needed- time to sit and dwell.

I raced home as fast as one can in the DC Metro traffic to pick the baby up. I was so anxious to see her and hold her! Once I got to the daycare I saw she was fine. More than fine. It was as if she didn't even miss me. Or know that I was gone. What a blow. It's nice to know that she is well taken care of and all but I was not prepared to feel that way. We got home and had some one on one time chatting about our day and out of nowhere the kid laughs for the first time. I cried. Just one of the many times I cried yesterday. I'm so freakin' emotional lately.

When Dom got home we had dinner and I tried to put on this brave, funny face about work and what happened all day. I was fine! I missed her but fine. Then my Mom called and I lost it. I just broke down crying about how I HATED work and the tedium that is often motherhood was more satisfying than pricing obscure parts for an item that I'm not even allowed to know about. Afterwards I told my husband, who could tell there was something majorly wrong with me as I clutched the baby and sniffled around the house, that I don't care about vacations or tons of new stuff. I just want to stay home and raise our daughter. It blew my mind. I never thought I would like being a Mom or want to stay home much less ask to! It still somewhat puzzles me and makes me wonder- Have I grown up a bit? Hmm....

We are mulling things over for now and trying to figure it all out. I will continue to suck it up and tell myself it's ok. It has to be for now because as I've mentioned earlier - there is no quick fix for this issue. In time I hope that I can take her out of daycare but for now I'll just have more to juggle on my plate. It's not like I'm alone in this.

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