Spit Up in the Grass

They say the grass is always greener on the other side.  I say this because despite knowing all its thorns and prickles I envy the Mom's who drop off their kids at the bus stop each day only to pick them up eight hours later. What leisure and bliss!  Errands without unlatching car seat straps!  Time to work without interruption or blocks being lobbed at your head! 

Then again, I'm sure that to some it seems that I'm the greener grass.  Someone must think that, right?  Please tell me they do to save me my sanity.  Heh.  I'm here to dispel that fairy tale.  Today, for example, is a prime candidate for destroying myths. 

Scene 1- The Halloween gel sticker decorations we placed on the window yesterday afternoon?  The Comedian ate them.  Yes, ate them.  "CANDY!" she proclaimed as I tried to take a slimy pumpkin stem from her mouth.  "Ball!" she cried as she lobbed one of my neighbors spooky pumpkins off their front step for the millionth time that week.

Scene 2-As I nursed The Fifth Element I heard a plastic rustling sound.  This can't be good.  The dog's collar jingled in hot pursuit of whatever the sound was originating from.  The Comedian was babbling to herself in a corner of the kitchen.  She rounded the corner a few minutes later with a block of cheese in hand, finger marks all over it with many bites taken out.  Saliva and possibly dog teeth marks covered it too.  I bent to retrieve it as The Fifth Element doused me with copious amounts of spit up.  Do I still try and grab for the dog/child eaten cheese block or do I clean up the baby and myself from the vomit?  Wardrobe change! 

Somewhere in this house is my coffee cup.  Somewhere.  I can't find it but when I do I'm sure it will be because I have followed the trail of a suspicious coffee-colored stain on some carpet.  I really wanted that coffee too.

Before any of this happened today, before preschool drop off, errands and laundry with bits of work squeezed in there was this start to the day, "MOM! Why do I smell dog poop in the house?!"  Eeeehh. Mother Effing dog.  That damn dog!  Hmm... could it be because the dog decided to just crap in the living room?  Yeah, that would be it.  It's going to be a kick ass day.

I just realized I forgot about the cheese block.  I have no idea where that block of cheese is now residing.  Want to come over?

Verizon Customer Service is No Friend of Mine

Cross-posted and archived from DC Metro Moms.  Original post date February 15, 2008.

Scene: My home, afternoon, precious nap time/work minutes ticking away. I am on deadline. My Internet connection goes down and after fiddling with it all day I decide to call Verizon.




After spending a few minutes on hold I am finally put through to a person who doesn't sound like she is from halfway around the world. Is this even possible? That has never happened before! Yet, her voice does sound suspiciously not human. I've verified my name, number, address, H's name, my third cat's birthday and how old I was when I learned to ride a bike and I think, "Are we done yet?"

Customer Service Rep: Please state your telephone number again ma'am.

V: 875-3425.

CSR: Is that 759-3324?

V: No, (tight smile forms on my face) 875-3425.

CSR: 875-3427? Is that correct?

V: N00... 8 7 5 3 4 2 5

CSR: Let me make sure I have this correct. 875-3425.

V: YES!

CSR: OK ma'am, do you have an alternate number in case this line goes down?

After a repetition only slightly more painful she gets the second phone number correct. I have already silently asked the phone if she is on crack and pulled the phone away from me to glare at her from a far.


CSR: OK ma'am, what seems to be the problem? Your phone line?

V: Uh..no. It's my Internet connection. That is why I called the DSL hot-line. It says it is working but when I repair it the computer says it is my provider not the computer. All systems are go on the router and modem.

CSR: What color is the modem?

V: Seriously? It's beige.

CSR: Beige? (this color seems to have confounded her) Beige..., she mutters, as if she has no idea what color I am talking about.

V: Or tan? Ecru? Maybe a light grey? There is a slightly toasty look to the top now from having the router on top of it. (oops)

CSR: Are you the wife of H ma'am?

V: (What the.. weren't we just talking about my modem?) Yessss.....

CSR: What lights are blinking on the router ma'am?

V: All of them. The ethernet, the ready light and the power light.

CSR: The power light, the ready light, the Internet light and the USB?

V: USB? No. (Never mentioned this light and I repeat them for her twice)


At this point she starts asking about lights that I've never heard or seen on the router. We go through the same rigmarole that we did with the phone number. I'm on her to game. She just wants me off the phone. She wants me so frustrated that I hang up and never call Verizon support again. She has even begun to snicker at me when I repeat things back to her for the third time.

CSR: You are using a phone right ma'am?

V: WTH? Yes. I am using a phone. That's how people call each other these days. Those new fangled telly-phone dee-vices.... Ugh.

I am now crawling on my knees as she has instructed pulling on cords and wires. I am out of breath and very annoyed. She keeps getting the terms router and modem confused causing all sorts of calamity. As I get up off the floor I notice dog poop.

Dog poop.

When was the dog in here because this just happened. As I listen to CSR yammer on about wires and connections I silently curse my dog and begin to clean up the mess. At this point I have shut off everything, turned it on, shut if off, and turned it on again. I type in some ridiculous website address and am asked.

CSR: Do you see the map ma'am?

V: Yes! yes I do! (I'm starting to feel like I might in an episode of Lost) Do I touch a button? What does the map mean?

CSR: Close it down ma'am. You don't need to mess with the map. Now shut everything off again.

V: Are you messin' with me lady? What is the map for? I need to know!

CSR: Don't worry about the map. You'll see it again.....

She has established that my DSL connection and modem are fine. My computer is fine. The router is not her problem or her company's so she blames it on them and says all is fixed. Except I still don't have my WIFI and I don't work on the desktop. Forty minutes and 34 seconds of work/nap time are gone. Poof!

CSR: Ma'am, on a scale of one to ten would you recommend Verizon customer service to a friend or family member?

V: Just leave me alone... Haven't you done enough to this family today? Just tell me what the map means....




Comments




Jill Asher said...


Ok, now I am scared... I JUST switched over my cell phone service from Sprint to Verizon. We had to do this because my husband was not getting SPRINT coverage in his new office, and absolutely needed to be able to use his cell phone at work.






I have to say, switching over was somewhat painless - though now I am scared that if something goes wrong, I will have to deal with something similar.... Ugh.


Reply February 17, 2008 at 09:50 AM Amy@UWM said...


Hilarious...um...I mean...outrageous! Totally wrong!!! Bad Verizon.






Had to laugh, though, because it's usually when I'm screwing around with my router that I find the dog poop in my house.


Reply February 17, 2008 at 04:30 PM Nita said...


Lets not even get me started on my Verizon FIOS customer service experiences! Needless to say, I had local media interested after receiving my $1200 bill last year. Also, I have been trying for 3 months to return 2 cable boxes to no avail....






I got Vonage for my home phone. I only keep the internet service because my engineer husband would kill me if he lost his speed.


Reply February 18, 2008 at 10:08 PM Charissa said...


I had problems when I first signed up for the big V. I kept calling they would tell me the same thing, shut off computer, check connection, etc.. Well long story short after two weeks of trying to get things up and going they decide that there was a problem on their end, and then abmb I had a connection. I was feed up with them at this point and was threating to cancel, they gave me 3 months free to stay on. I agreed and haven't had any problems since. Nock on Wood..


Reply March 05, 2008 at 06:40 PM Bianka said...


We have Verizon internet service.. My husband has spent a grand total of about 6 hours on hold waiting for a "tech guy".. once a 2 hour stretch in one sitting. Still haven't gotten results.


Yesterday I saw a commercial for PREMIUM VERIZON CUSTOMER SERVICE for $14.99 a month.. yes, they are asking you to PAY FOR CUSTOMER SERVICE. I am fed up with them and will soon be switching to another provider.

You read. You comment.

I wrote a post last week about media pressures on women to look hot.  It went out into the internet and all I got back was the sound of crickets chirping.  I said to H, "I really thought that would generate some discussion, some comments of some sort at least and it was like, nothing."  He replied, "Look, you are an intelligent writer but you are very moderate. You write something like that and it is as if the reader reads it and thinks, "Right. I can agree with that point of view."  There is no controversery, nothing inflammatory to get people riled up.  That is what generates comments most of the time." 

So basically I need to start saying stuff like this to get comments?

People who own cats are dirty, filthy beings.

or
American Idol is for losers.

or
Women who have had disabled children are being punished by God because of past life events. 

Oh wait, someone already said that and besides I think they are an ignorant jackass. 

I can see H's point though.  However, I feel like this-

The internet, blogs, websites, in general, are all free services that allow us to take advantage of loads of free content.  We gather information, ideas, thoughts and opinions from others for free.  It's a pretty sweet deal.  I for one provide stories, reviews, and all of the above for free on a daily basis here and in many other places.  It's a sweet deal for the reader.  Not so much for me who gets to hear the sound of crickets though.  I don't put this stuff out there and expect to hear silence. I want other peoples thoughts, ideas, opinions and comments.  I value my readers (all three of you) thoughts and opinions a lot.  I think commenting on a blog post or anything online that you have read is a matter of common decency.  Manners if you will and I'm all about the manners.  I shouldn't have to pose a question to stir up discussion or garner comments either.  To me that it too simple. It is spoon-feeding and I think it is rather lame.  Sure, I can do it sometime but comments should be there regardless. 

Otherwise, it gets to be rude.  I don't like associating with rude people either.  It's like being friends with people who keep iguanas. 

Personally, I Like Boobs With My Wine

While browsing my local Home Goods store this week I came across this fine piece of stemware. 

How did they know that I was looking for a pair just like this?  Really though, I think I need a full set. Heh.  This precious cup was called 'Dancing Queen'.  'Princess', 'Diva' and 'Cowgirl' were all present as well.  Collect them all.

Waste Always Makes Me Angry

That title my friends is a direct quote from 'Gone with the Wind' courtesy of Rhett Butler. While he was talking about the Civil War and the South, I am talking about clothes.

I give away a lot of stuff. I belong to Freecycle. I donate to Goodwill, Purple Heart, my church and to the Vietnam Veterans Association. If I have something to give, I will give it. I buy second-hand items too. If we no longer need it but someone else might then I am happy to offer it up. I don't like waste. It is not good for us or the planet.  Therefore, I just cannot understand this type of behavior from H&M or any other company, even the evil W. When I first saw the article (tweeted by @jodifur and @amalah), I was aghast. Surely, there had to be some good, plausible reason that bags upon bags of perfectly good clothing for all ages and both sexes was being slashed and discarded. Right? It's not just stupidity, right? Immediately I wanted to head to my local H&M and ask them what they were doing with their "unwanted" clothes. What does any store do with their unwanted items?

I understand the need for new merchandise and moving inventory. However, when there are so many people in this record cold that need clothing, especially warm clothing, how can employees just blindly follow orders and do this? Doesn't someone on the inside know someone who could use this stuff? There are numerous shelters that would be willing to take the items off their hands and put them to good, practical use. Ending up in a landfill isn't practical. Perfectly good clothing being trashed is never eco-friendly. It is just plain old waste and waste makes me angry. Just like when I see computers and other electronics left on the curb for the trash man. There is a proper place for that stuff and a landfill is not it.

Unused, brand-new clothing should be donated. Clearly, H&M does not care about money if it is trashing the stuff. They just do not want anyone else benefiting from it either. In a world like ours that is just inexcusable and it makes me reconsider them as a brand and retailer. Next time I'm at my local mega-plex shopping center I am going to ask the manager what they do with their unused items. If they say they trash them, we will be having a little talk. Waste is just laziness. It is not bothering to find out a better solution and that is inexcusable.



Update:  You know I just love a good ending.  As long as there is follow through.