Spit Up in the Grass

They say the grass is always greener on the other side.  I say this because despite knowing all its thorns and prickles I envy the Mom's who drop off their kids at the bus stop each day only to pick them up eight hours later. What leisure and bliss!  Errands without unlatching car seat straps!  Time to work without interruption or blocks being lobbed at your head! 

Then again, I'm sure that to some it seems that I'm the greener grass.  Someone must think that, right?  Please tell me they do to save me my sanity.  Heh.  I'm here to dispel that fairy tale.  Today, for example, is a prime candidate for destroying myths. 

Scene 1- The Halloween gel sticker decorations we placed on the window yesterday afternoon?  The Comedian ate them.  Yes, ate them.  "CANDY!" she proclaimed as I tried to take a slimy pumpkin stem from her mouth.  "Ball!" she cried as she lobbed one of my neighbors spooky pumpkins off their front step for the millionth time that week.

Scene 2-As I nursed The Fifth Element I heard a plastic rustling sound.  This can't be good.  The dog's collar jingled in hot pursuit of whatever the sound was originating from.  The Comedian was babbling to herself in a corner of the kitchen.  She rounded the corner a few minutes later with a block of cheese in hand, finger marks all over it with many bites taken out.  Saliva and possibly dog teeth marks covered it too.  I bent to retrieve it as The Fifth Element doused me with copious amounts of spit up.  Do I still try and grab for the dog/child eaten cheese block or do I clean up the baby and myself from the vomit?  Wardrobe change! 

Somewhere in this house is my coffee cup.  Somewhere.  I can't find it but when I do I'm sure it will be because I have followed the trail of a suspicious coffee-colored stain on some carpet.  I really wanted that coffee too.

Before any of this happened today, before preschool drop off, errands and laundry with bits of work squeezed in there was this start to the day, "MOM! Why do I smell dog poop in the house?!"  Eeeehh. Mother Effing dog.  That damn dog!  Hmm... could it be because the dog decided to just crap in the living room?  Yeah, that would be it.  It's going to be a kick ass day.

I just realized I forgot about the cheese block.  I have no idea where that block of cheese is now residing.  Want to come over?

That Damn Dog

Indeed. The other night as I drifted off to sleep H toiled with the taxes, gathering evidence (heh), er I mean papers, in the room below me. I was alone in our room save for one other being. Our dog. That damn dog as I referred to her shortly.The dog would not rest it seemed without us both in the room. From her crate began a small whine. Then it got louder. Longer. She shuffled in her bed and cried. Couldn't she, this small helpless being also be in bed with me too? NO! I'll be sharing the bed with her enough in the next few weeks. She must have both of us in the room or she will not sleep. It's maddening!

The relentless whining went on until in a fury I whipped off the bed covers and banished her from our room.

Scratch

Whine

Scratch, scratch

SLAM!

Now pissed off and exiled the dog tries to destroy our bedroom door. H is oblivious to this commotion. I rip off the covers once again and stalk over to the bedroom door my blood pressure rising as I fumble in the dark. I whip open the door and before that dog can even squirm her way back into the bedroom I push her further into the hallway yelling like a cave woman or a toddler take your pick, "NO! YOU GO! erekgh kableaklkeeh aaughhee TIRED!!!!"

Finally, around midnight everything settled down. H came to bed (an hour to do his taxes! Ha!) and the dog settled in her crate for the night easy peasy. I was so wound up though I could do nothing but think about my precious sleep time evaporating, did I in fact want to eat a snickers bar and what the hell was I going to blog about the next day.

THE NEXT DAY

I ignore the dog for much of the day which isn't too hard when she mainly sleeps in one dog bed or other throughout the house all day. Ah, the life of a dog. To look at her makes me incensed over the lack of sleep I've gotten. Sleep is my precious and I've gotten precious little of it lately.

On my way home from returning my crumb-free rental car (the collision place that repaired my car cleaned the inside and out making it crumb free for at least one day! THEY ROCK! Huzzah!!) my phone rings. It's H. It seems the dog has gone missing.

H: Hon? Where are you? On your way through the neighborhood could you drive around looking for Lex? She's gone. The front door blew open and I didn't know. She took off. T.D. and I have been out looking for her but we haven't seen her.

V: WHAT?! Sure.... (my stomach drops and my heart begins to beat fast. Lex is missing?! Oh! My poor schmoopie! Does she have her tags? Check. How long has she been gone? We don't know. Cue ominous music)


I immediately roll down my car windows and begin a slow crawl with the car. I yell out the windows calling Lex. I stop everyone I see and ask if they have seen a black and white Boston Terrier. I creep myself out when I realize I'm hanging out the car window asking some little kids if they have seen my lost puppy. "Excuse me little kids, I've lost my dog... could you help me find it?" I feel like I could be on an Oprah hidden camera. I tell the kids where I live and to bring the dog by if they see her.

As I drive/creep onto another street I see a flash of black! Could it be?! I hear a group of people say, "Oh she must be looking for that loose dog!" YES! I realize I'm nodding my head vigorously to no one as I speed down the dead end street. Another streak of black darts by. As I park the car I hear barking. Lo and behold, there is Lex. Her little spunky self barking away at two giant labs who only want to play tug of war with each other and not her shrimpy terrier butt.

I thank the owners who have had no idea she was missing and scoop her up saying, "Get your butt over her missy! We've been looking for you everywhere! We've missed you!!" I cover her in kisses and hugs and plop her into the car. It is then I see the mud.

My nice crumb fee car? It still is crumb free. It just has mud all over it now.