Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I'll Get There at Some Point

It's a beautiful snowy day here in the 'burbs. There's no school. Dash Two is teething and TD and I have a cold. I'm trying to stay positive but there was little sleep to be had in my house by me last night. I just couldn't stay asleep and for no good reason other than my brain was whirring away on mindless junk.


Today is day one on the meds my doctor prescribed. I'll take them for a month to see how it all goes. I just have one thing to say though, if one more person tells me I need to "just get more sleep and hit the gym." I'm going to cover them with brain goo because my head really will have exploded. Seriously? That's all I need to do? How about the fact that when I think of loading the kids in the car right now, the two hours it takes me to get out the door and lugging that heavy baby carrier around, my brain gets fuzzy and I have to shut my eyes to keep from having some sort of meltdown. I just can't deal with it right now. I need quiet, and yes, more sleep. I need a schedule for Dash Two and less going on in my life. When I think about scheduling appointments for me with a therapists and a psychiatrist like my doctor told me to do I get all panicky and can't figure out how it will all work. "There isn't enough time in the day!" my brain screams.


I will have to hire a sitter which I'm not sure we can afford and then that sends me into a tailspin of more guilt and uber-sucktastickness. The negativity is exuding off me and the anger is there today. I've turned into post-partum Darth Vader. I hate that I can't wrap my brain around it in some Zen like cocoon and push it away. It just ain't happening yet. But I feel pressure to be well already. Like one day of meds and the switch is flipped. Presto Chango! All better! I envy the women who never have to deal with this.


People tell me I need to be around more people to relax and take my mind off things but the last thing I want is a progressive dinner or potluck to prepare for or to head off to the store to buy even more vitamins. What's with the vitamins people? Why do people keep telling me about vitamins!?! I'm going to start hurling giant bottles of fish oil and vitamin B at passing cars soon.


I will say this - the support I've received from you all has been outstanding. I cannot get over it and it has helped me more than anything else so far. I appreciate it and it makes my days brighter. I know it will get better. I will get better. Next week I might even feel like going to the gym again. I just have to take it one day at a time right now and have faith. Lattes and Life has faith in me. She sent me this beautiful award and it made me cry. The Nobel Award is for Motherhood. It's an award for being a wonderful mom, for doing wonderful work, and to remind me to be proud of my accomplishment.


Thank you so much Tiffany- you have always given me support even when we were just little online support group friends (girlfriends of Marines y'all) back in our SoCal days.

And to think this was going to be a post about random stuff you might not know about me. Well here you go- I punch people in the face who try to give me throat cultures. It's like a reflex that I can't control. My current doctor has it in my chart not to do them. He has said, "I'm not a masochist. Here's your strep throat meds."

P.S. I wrote another car review. Calling all automakers- let me review your cars- I love this stuff! Check it out here at Autosavant.

4 comments:

  1. YOU WILL feel better. It is hormones. You cannot control that.

    Also - having two kids is FUCKING HARD. I don't know why more people don't just admit that.

    They say the medicine takes a couple weeks. I felt better after three days.

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  2. Hang in there. What you are doing is so very hard. Just know people care about you and while some of us may live too far away to offer physical help, we will be praying for you.

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  3. We've come a long way baby :-) Haha...did I just make you want a smoke? Ugh!

    I didn't get any sleep last night either. So I feel ya on that one. Fog brained and grouchy all day....

    Don't feel pressure to get out and be social. I hate mommy get togethers and playdates. I finally realized that they WEREN'T helping me, they just raised my blood pressure. So we stay home...especially since we no longer have a car. Humph.

    And I didn't know you knew Tom Cruise. Vitamins? Tell HIM to take his wacky pills for crying out loud!

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  4. Take care of yourself, even if that means being anti-social. I didn't want to socialize when I wasn't getting any sleep. Rest, mom, rest. And the vitamins? I like the concept of throwing them at passing cars. Seriously.

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Thanks for commenting! It's always good to hear from a reader and not say, a robot.