Tuesday, December 30, 2008

How to Have the Best Christmas EVER!

1. Begin by ignoring the pain that has begun in your left breast. Instead, press on with your night of gift wrapping and your Master Plan. Then realize that it's Christmas Eve and everything closes early but it's too late. You are already out driving around looking for that perfect cup of joe. Which seems can now only be made at the hands of a gas station employee. Who doesn't know how to make a latte to save his life. Throw in a squirrely looking old lady behind the counter making sandwiches and the evil eye and you have the start of your night.

2. Make comments throughout the night about the pain in your chest but continue to ignore it while you wait up for company and fight your body's urge to curl up into the fetal position. Pop two Tylenol instead and finally head to bed about midnight just as your body begins to shiver - just a bit.

3. Wake up Christmas morning to find that a white hot dagger is piercing your left breast. Not one to be outdone the breast has decided to adorn itself with red streaks of searing pain and infection. "Yippie!" it says, "It's Christmastime! I'm giving you the gift of mastitis!" You double over in pain as breast tries to do the Christmas wave. Fight back tears of frustration and agony as your loved ones cheerily open presents and you begin to feel feverish and freezing.

4. Next, make the call to the midwife hot line, tears at the ready if she tries anything beyond prescribing you meds over the phone. Wish you could kiss the woman through the phone line as she tells you about a 24-hour pharmacy that will have your antibiotics in an hour or less.

5. Then, thank the greedy corporate bastards to high heaven for thinking, "Christmas Schmistmas! Let's suck some more money out of the fools who forgot to buy Great-Aunt Ethel her annual jar o' peanut brittle and economy-size bottle of Jean Nate perfume and keep our Consumer Value Store open! Let's make the pharmacists work too! (Insert evil laugh here.)"

6. Finally, down a massive dose of antibiotics and spend the rest of the holiday in and out of an aching, shivering sleep, tightly curved into a ball, wishing for the pain, sweet Jesus make the pain go away already! Wake up the next morning and realize you missed one kids first Christmas and the others first realization of how fun the day can be. Thank your family for being there for you and go back to bed.

Seriously. I wouldn't wish mastitis on my worst enemy. Holy Unholy Searing Pain with a pitchfork continuously lodged like the brander of death in my chest people!


  1. Ugh, I'm sorry you had to deal with mastitis on Christmas! Thank goodness for the Christmas miracle of pharmacies open on Christmas and powerful antibiotics. Hope you're feeling better.

  2. Yikes!

    Hope you have better memories next Christmas!

  3. OMG, I hope you feel better! My mastitis waited until Boxing Day at least. Left breast too.

    I curled up in the fetal position on the dining room floor, wearing a bathrobe and knit hat, while my children frolicked around me because Kyle was at work. Believe me when I say that I feel (or felt) your pain.


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