The Dash Two Factor

What is it about a kid free weekend that makes you wonder and discuss the idea of having another child? That topic came up more than once for H and I this sans T.D. weekend. For me, it surrounded me and clouded my thoughts, making me jump from one opinion to the next never able to land on a definite decision.

When it comes to the idea of having another child many thoughts crowd my brain. They plague me and doubt looms large. Can we afford another child? How are we going to have room for another one? Can I stand the body upheaval again and the sickness I might have all the while caring for T.D. and not lose my ever-lovin' mind? I'm not so sure.

I am an only child. I see nothing wrong with only children despite H's jokes of, "only children are weird..." I would love to give T.D. a sibling based on the fact that now that I'm older I wish I had someone to share things with about my parents and our family. There's no one to make fun of my parents idiosyncrasies with and no one to tell me when I sound like my mother, except H, and it's not the same. In fact, I've always thought, who better to raise an only child, but another only child? I know not to fill their Christmases with board games that will only sit in a closet waiting to be played. I understand the sometimes secretive ways of an only child and all the inner dialogue that goes on, as well as the outer talking-to-myself-all-the-time thing. Plus the five or so imaginary friends. Do I really want to add another kid into the mix when I feel so competent in the only child arena?

Add in the fact that I just don't know if I truly have it in me and that is the real issue that I have a hard time voicing. I know that is normal. It's not the question of will I be able to love another as much either. It's the patience and non-selfish thing I worry about. More kids = less time for me and for H and I. Will grandparents be quite as willing to take on two? Probably not in the first few years. Can I handle the day in, day out, even less working that will occur when another child is added into the mix? I just don't know and often my brain says, No. I'm not one to say I'll figure that out when the time comes. It makes a little sad that I doubt myself so much in that way but maybe I'm just being brutally honest. The idea of another person in a house that is already feeling small to me makes me feel a little crazed. Plus, college is ridiculously expensive and I worry about that enough with one.

Yet, I know that H really wants another one. He seems so much better at processing all this than me. He seems excited at just the prospect. I have to admit that in my first trimester with T.D. I was continuously at crossroads with how I really felt about having a child and yet there I was pregnant. I still feel guilt for those continuous thoughts. I am clearly, despite what my OBGYN says, not a woman who can handle many kids. I like my own inner world way too much. I was kind of excited to share that with T.D.

So the Dash Two factor much like an election year is undecided. I'm even undecided on how definite I really feel about saying no to another child. It's as if my brain just can't comprehend it. Like my ducks will never be in a row enough to figure it all out and I feel really alone in my thinking all this.