What is the Definition of Forgiveness?

As I was driving to the gym yesterday I was mulling over this post in my head.  I knew that I needed to continue with the writing exercise that is the Thirty Days of Truth.  This being post four (am sloth-like in this practice!) it's all about forgiveness.  The forgiving of someone else, that is.  I feel like the Church Lady should be sitting next to me preaching right about now. 

I thought and thought.  And thought.  Do I forgive the man who tried to wrench me out of a drugstore at age eight and throw me in his car with the promise of toys?  I just can't go there.  Why forgive a stranger who wanted to instill nothing but harm my way?  I feel nothing but relief over that whole ordeal.  Relief that it didn't happen and thankfulness that my mother saved the day.  I can't forgive someone who has made me so paranoid about my children's own personal safety that when they are out of my sight for a mere millisecond I go nuts more so than the average mother.  Some things just never get fixed.  I am OK with that too.

I suppose I could practice the art of forgiveness (it is an art to some degree) on forgiving the person who put me through my own personal war zone and into group therapy sessions at the local domestic violence group when I was a teen. Except, I'm OK with the fact that long ago I let go of the anger I had towards him for messing me up so much.  Beyond the scrapes and hidden bruises that healed so fast were the scars and  wounds that his mental, physical and emotional abuse left behind.  I simply let it go after so much personal work and time. Like four years plus but it did make me stronger. It made me a Fighter. It made me realize that I'm not weak and incapable of things and I don't need to sleep with boxes in front of my bedroom door or believe I can't even pump my own gas.  Nope.  That anger, that abuse, made me harder in some ways but capable to handle other hills that arose in my life.  When shit went down I would think back and say to myself, "Dude, you went through so much worse.  This?  This is nothing." It was a long journey but I'm actually thankful for it in the end.  Not the abuse, but the other side I came out on and who I became after I let go of all that anger. 

Is that the definition of forgiveness? Letting go of the anger and resentment?  The fear and pain?  Can it ever really be forgiven when there are side effects and PTSD-like symptoms that still occur after all these years?  I don't know. Does anyone? 

More Truthiness

Continuing into the new year I'm going to keep doing the Thirty Days of Truth. I figure by next December I'll be at number fifteen at least.  Today's post is sponsored by the letter F, as in Forgiveness.  Write about something you  have to forgive yourself for. 

I asked a few people this question about themselves and got no real answers.  It's not a question you can just ask off the cuff, I suppose.  I know I have been brooding about it for quite a bit.  I'm a live with no regrets type person so trying to find something I have to forgive myself for is quite difficult.  I forgave myself for the bad relationships I entered into a long time ago.  I forgave myself for spending my first two years of college miserable, at a school that was not a good fit for me.  I have forgiven myself for making poor choices concerning friends and money as well.  I just can't hold onto that stuff and keep letting it linger on my heart and in my head.  It takes up too much space and time and doesn't do me or anyone else any good.  It was never easy but I did it.

Maybe I should forgive myself for being so forgiving?  That makes no sense.

I am really hard on myself as a parent.  I tend to hold onto guilt with incidents with the kids that maybe I shouldn't harbor quite so much.  It's hard to say and justify though. They are still little and I haven't had to pay for therapy yet.  I probably shouldn't beat myself up so much internally after I discipline them.  I know that is what I need to do in order to turn them into productive members of society who know how to behave in public and don't feel like the world owes them a favor.  God only knows I don't want that bratty kid from those Toyota Highlander commercials popping up in my back seat and claiming me as his mother.  Egads!  That kid makes me spitting mad.  I digress though and probably should be a bit more forgiving on myself for how I interact with them. I always feel like I can't devote enough time to them individually and that I am not giving enough to them.  I need to relax and be alright with how our days flow and be less focused on how much we accomplish and what "fun time" I can cram into a day.  It can't always be days filled with endless play just like it can't always be days of tasks and non-stop errands.  I need to learn to forgive myself for being so hard on myself about how I am as their mother.  I can only do so much at any given time and I have to learn to be OK with that. 

I think part of this exercise is supposed to relieve you of burdens but this one has just made me ponder things more and sigh heavily.  I can't think about that now, I'll think about that tomorrow. 

I Am Loyal

Continuing with the Thirty Days of Truth writing exercise Day Two is all about 'What You Love About Yourself'.  Truthfully, I'm having a real hard time with this one.  I can think of a million things I don't like about myself right now.  I'm not in the most positive mood this week.  I feel like one of the many dry leaves that litters my sidewalk and that's about it. 

I love my feet.  I have always thought despite their size ten status they are quite pretty.  They are long and bony and they remind me of Marilyn Monroe's feet. 

However, I think the point of this exercise is to find something beyond the physical.  I think I can bake pretty well but I'm not actually sure that people like the things I make. They eat them, so I guess so?  I keep a really clean house people tell me.  But that isn't something I particularly love about myself.  I used to be organized.  I prided myself on that but now not so much and it has become a source of irritation that I forget so much on a daily basis. 

I know!

I love that I am loyal.  I have never cheated on a person.  I'm not loyal like a dog's loyal but I will keep and maintain my friendships for long periods of time.  I cherish these people who I consider my friends even if we have limited contact and I pride myself on keeping the relationships alive.  I will reach out no matter how much time has gone by and let someone know I am thinking of them and that I care about them. I frequently have to stop myself from showering my friends with gifts and assorted nonessential items because I would be breaking my bank.  I just want people to know they are important to me and I value them.  I am loyal to my friends and family.  If you don't have them, what do you have?