Ugh. Family Illness. Hard.

Earlier this week I was back in my old stomping grounds.  A work trip brought me to Rhode Island and the southern part of Conneticutt.  While there I indulged in a bit of nostalgia by driving around, visiting old haunts (apparently my high school health teacher is now our school principal. huh.) and soaking in the senic views that part of the country has in abundance. 

Maybe it was being so close to where I grew up, driving by the house my family built or working at a place my father has been so many times for his own job but I just couldn't shake the thoughts of him and how life and distance has made me feel that I know him less than I did before.  Sure, I can tell you the facts and that the man likes to fish but what's his favorite fish? I don't know.  What's his favorite movie? I don't know that anymore either.  I could say Gran Torino but that's only because he resembles Clint Eastwood a whole hell of a lot.  I actually heard him tell a boy I once dated to, "Get off my lawn!" 

Then you get a phone call from your Mom mid-day telling you that your Dad was rushed from work to the hospital.  In the middle of a conversation in a hallway he had chest pains so bad he fell over and couldn't move. He thinks to himself, "Oh no! I'm not dying at this place!"  It keeps happening every few hours and they don't know what is wrong with him.  It doesn't seem to be his heart but it is still incredibly scary.  I feel far away and helpless.  It is times like these when I hate being an only child.  There is no one else to talk to and trade information.  H, like me, isn't known for his comforting words.  "That sucks. You should go down there." is about as good as it gets around here.  We Mason's aren't known for our eloquence or bedside manner. 

I firmly believe that there is such a thing as instincts and a sixth sense.  I kept thinking this nagging, back of my mind thought all week that something was going to happen to him.  Why else was I brooding on him so much?  I was right.  Something did happen and as squeamish as it makes me to show emotion and get personal I know that I have to get to know my Dad all over again.  It's time.  I can't keep putting up a wall because the one person who is so similar to me has just as hard a time doing this very thing.  Maybe we just show our love differently and assume the other one just knows it is there.  It still doesn't mean we actually know each other though.  No matter how much of a freak I am regarding emotions I can't let this go.

The very idea that my Mom will possibly print this out and give it to him in the hospital just makes me think, "AAHH!  KEEP IN DRAFT FORM ONLY! DON'T HIT THE PUBLISH BUTTON, YOU FOOL!"   But I'm trying to break out of this no-emotion mode. So GAH!