Friday, August 06, 2010

Pregnancy: They Name is Insecurity

Cross-posted and archived from DC Metro Moms.  Original post date July 9, 2008.

Typically, I am fairly secure in my marriage and overall relationship with my spouse. He does a wonderful job of taking care of me, telling me how he feels, attending to my needs and showing affection. I'm the one that often lacks in that department. I never doubt how he feels about me or his family. But I had to face facts the other day when I realized that the ugly green monster of jealousy and its sister insecurity had reared their ugly heads.

Why you might ask? It's simple and something I shamefacedly admit. When I become pregnant I become insecure. All those changes with my body, the break-outs, weird bodily functions, mood swings and right, how can I forget, not only do I gag and puke frequently I also tend to pee myself if I sneeze too hard lately. Last count had me wetting myself no less than three times in the last five months. Yeah, that's wicked hot. What guy wouldn't lust after that? Then we come to the second matter. The impending bachelor party my husband is throwing this weekend.

This bachelor party is for his younger brother and despite the fact that my husband has been to a lot of these events in the ten years we've been together for some reason as soon as I am knocked up all my normal feelings of ambivalence go out the window. I become jealous. Jealous of his freedom and ability to stay up past 10 p.m., to drink and not be grossed out by every smell and possibly shake his groove thing without losing balance like I would.

I loathe this about myself but I feel powerless to stop it. I reason with myself, I share my feelings with my him trying to make light of it when deep down all I can think about is the tanned breasts that will be in his face this weekend that look nothing like my post-baby ones. Surely my pregnancy chub rub is not something that is often featured on the pole in most strip joints. While my husband knows that at this time I am particularly sensitive I don't think he knows the extent. That I'm too tired half the time to care what I look like and to go through all the beauty regimes I normally do. It currently takes me a week to give myself a manicure and only if I have to have one. That the idea of actually blow drying and styling my hair these days is akin to putting on pantyhose in 120 degree heat and wearing stilettos all day while standing outside. My usual product junkie self takes a back seat as a I use all my energy to simply bake a baby. My mind reels with images of all the attractive women he comes across and the confidence they exude and I lack right now. Because deep down that is the key, confidence is what makes a woman terrifically attractive and at this point in my life I lack it almost every capacity.


Sheryl from Natural Pregnancy said...

Is it any consolation that your baby will think you are totally hot? :)

Reply July 09, 2008 at 11:54 AM Barbara Waller said...

I am so relived to her that I am not alone in having similar feelings. Thank You

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