Thursday, April 23, 2009

Open Letter to Ontario Airport Security

Ontario, CA that is. Not the Canuck one.

To Whom it May Concern at the Ontario TSA:

On my April 20 jaunt through your sadly depleted of all food services airport (seriously?! it was 4 pm and all restaurants were closed at 2 pm! Hello! Starvation!!) I was welcomed by not one but five security staff as I ran my bags through your security system. Clearly, you all have a lot of time on your hands. I abide by your rules to a 't'. I removed my shoes and laptop. My bag, shoes and special baggie of 3 ounce toiletries were placed in the bin and my laptop in a separate one. See? Rule follower, that is me! I waited my turn in line to go through the metal detector like a good citizen too. Oh wait, there wasn't a line. It was just me. Still, I passed with flying colors. I sprinted bare foot to catch my bags and saw you stop my carry-on suitcase. That's totally fine. The black bag within a bag got you. That pesky breast pump was at it again.

This time I even smiled calmly and said to the female screeners (all two of you for one machine), "It's my breast pump, happens all the time." We chuckled and my bag went through the machine. Then something funny happened. One of you decided not to believe me and had to open my bag to check. Fine. Totally fine. You then decided that my entire toiletry bag needed to be dumped despite having everything that is a liquid already in the plastic baggie. When I asked why that was being done you shoved a placard in my face with the rules. Whatever. Do what you must with the mascara that ISN'T a liquid. Moron. See, I'm getting testy now. You bent my heels on my shoes, pawed through my dirty laundry (literally) and then went to work on my breast pump. This is where I have a MAJOR bone of contention with you Ontario TSA. Did you really need to call three additional security people over to look over the breast pump? You swabbed it down because of a foreign substance first. Heh. Breast milk spatter perhaps? Rocket science, I swear. You frisked me up and down with your wand. Indeed, the woman is engorged and lactating. All systems are go! I had no idea that wand could detect mother's milk. How high tech we are these days. Did I put security at threat level orange after that?

I was fine with all this I swear. OK, wait. Not true. I was getting a bit heated now. However, when three men decided to try and pry the motor out of the pump case I decidedly did get a bit heated under the collar and said through clenched teeth, "Please! That is a $300 dollar breast pump! Do not pull on the motor you will break it!!" You all chuckled and said, "Ma'am, we know what it is and how much it is worth." Fine. SO STOP F*CKIN' PAWING AT IT! My blood pressure was roiling at this point and my fists were clenching and unclenching. I'm sure if I saw a mirror image of myself at that moment it would have been very much like Mrs. White from 'Clue' - "Flames, on the side of my face, breathing-breath- heaving breaths. Heaving breath..." As if that was not enough you then tried to pull apart the black pump bag and lift the motor out from the storage compartment. I wanted to cry and scream and gnash teeth and kick you all in the groin with a knife-blade stiletto.

This is where I learned that we women get can get all crazy-killer animal like when our kids are endangered but also when you mess with our breast pumps as well.

Note to the TSA- I'm all about airport safety and security. Just don't effin' touch my pump like that ever again. When I used it the next day the right side suction was hiccuping and I had to slam the casing back together again. If it had broken I sure as hell would have sent you a bill.


  1. My blood is boiling just reading this!

  2. That airport is 10 mins. from my house.


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