Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Curses! Foiled Again!

Damn! I was kind of hoping I would be immune to the sap of the combination of pregnancy hormones, TD starting preschool and this whole Dash Two Factor but it appears that I am not. No amount of my looking to the dark side of sleepless nights to come, spit up happening and a return to the pony-tail look with no time for mascara is cutting through the mush I have begun to feel on an almost daily basis.

Double Damn! I am foiled again.

Yesterday, despite dealing with a very difficult TD who could have doubled for a POW camp leader with her nasty tactics of pushing all my buttons and testing every limit, I put her down for a nap complete with extra stories and songs. Who knew POW task masters loved, "You are my Sunshine" that much? She looked at me, face suddenly soft and angelic with not a trace of sinister leanings and said, "I want to be the baby." I immediately teared up as I perched on the edge of her big girl bed and kissed her. I smoothed her hair and told her not to worry that she would always be my first baby and my biggest girl. I hugged her again, kissed her forehead and sang her another song.

As I left her room closing the door softly I looked back at her and my heart broke. I felt as if I was going to dissolve into tears. Yes, she can be a tricky bedeviled toddler just like anyone else's but she is my testy pea of a girl and my first born. My baby and my big girl. My pumpkin. It's hard to comprehend that already she is going to be heading to school for a few days a week and will have a whole life independent of me where I won't know every detail. That while she will always be my first baby she will now be my oldest too. The big sister, full of responsibility and that there will be a new life that will take time away from her. Every time I think of it I well up.

I cannot imagine our family with this new being or what her personality will be like. I can only see the past and present with TD. Now more than ever I wish I could put life on hold for just a bit and reassure her a little more that while the baby won't be staking claim on her pink blanky, just her old room, she will always be my baby, my big girl, my biggest girl and the first key that opened my scroogey black heart.

*Off the sap-Does baby or kid need new shoes? Enter to win a lifetime supply here at MPR!


  1. I can remember feeling the same way. Now I watch my two girls play and feel tremendous, overwhelming joy. It will all be good.

  2. I am not even thinking about Thalia going off to preschool because I know I will be a quivering mess. But to do that while pregnant? Hormones and all? Good lord woman, you deserve a medal.

  3. She will be a great big sister and you will love all the memories of having two little girls.

  4. Anonymous3:13 PM

    Oh my goodness - this totally made me cry! I feel exactly the same way and am so worried about how my three year old will deal with her new sibling and feeling like second-best. I am already mourning the loss of our special relationship, but hope that in the future she'll love her sibling as much as I love mine! Very eloquent post!


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