The Road to Recovery

We had good news yesterday and for that I am relieved. There is another reason though for that much needed and great relief.

I got meds.

While I haven't talked about it much to anyone, which quite honestly is unlike me and I think a sign of how bad things had actually gotten, things were pretty bad for me. When I asked for drugs to reduce the nausea and sick a few weeks back I was 'pooh poohed' by my doc. This time? New doctor. When I told her about how I couldn't even tolerate water or much of anything else, the frustrations I've had about food and heartburn which make me not want to consume anything anymore she agreed it was time to put me on a path to better wellness.

Here's the thing that I didn't discuss with her though. The big guns I would have drawn out if I had been refused medication again. The constant feeling of being sick and so sick have made me depressed. It's been increasingly hard to get out of the house the last two months. It is as if with this pregnancy a form of agoraphobia has set in. It wasn't getting better either. It was only getting worse with each passing day. I tried to play it off but I could feel it closing in. My house felt like a jail but when pressed to leave it anxiety would rise up and play off the constant nausea. I've had panic attacks before but not for a few years and the addition of them added on to the morning sickness has gotten a bit too much to bear.

As sour as my stomach has been so has my attitude. As bitter and awful as the constant heartburn has been so have the anxiety attacks. The frequency of them was increasing by the day and I was beginning to wonder in frustration if I would ever know normal again. This just made me more upset and depressed. It was a pretty vicious cycle.

While I don't want to say I'm better yet, just two days on the meds and I'm feeling a bit more like myself. I'm no longer gagging every few minutes so that T.D. says, "bless you Mommy" and gets that worried look on her face that no two year-old should possess. The fact that she has learned to rub my back while I get sick is so sad to me I almost cannot bear it. I'm hoping that the Grape-nuts I puked up in the shower yesterday will be one of the last. I feel like maybe I am finally seeing the sun. That for the first time since I signed up for the walk this weekend I might actually want to do it. It is such a nice feeling.