Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Products I won't be reviewing

I review a lot of products and many more come into my house that I never even wanted to know existed much less ever review. Here are some that will not be making the final cut on Mummy's Product Reviews.

1. Monogrammed Toilet Paper- The ultimate in personalization I suppose. I especially love the gold monogramming because just having cushy double-ply Charmin is obviously not enough for some people. To me this is the be all and end all in tackiness.

2. Hufu- What the heck is hufu? Why it is tofu that has the texture of human flesh. Just in case you want to be a cannibal and um.. just can't go through with the procuring of the actual meat. Blech doesn't even cover it. Is it just me or does Hufu closely resemble a Hot Pocket?

3. Batter Blaster- The aerosol spray pancake batter. It's fast and it looks real but the very idea that I'm spraying my pancake batter that is actually labled as an organic product just does not produce warm kitchen memories for me and my family. It is a little too Jetson's for my taste.

4. South Beach Skin Solutions Lightening Gel- Actually, this product is not so bad. It supposedly has stellar results lightening freckles, age spots, acne scars and more. I would love that for the freckles on my chest that age me. It is the more part of the sales pitch that they used towards me that made me all squirmy. The gentle to use formula for lightening your areas "down there" and towards the back. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. As a friend of mine said, "Wow, the person that feels the need to use this is seriously too concerned with appearance. Maybe this is really popular among porn stars or something. I bet Paris Hilton uses it." Enough said.

5. Corndog Air Freshner- Because I don't just want my house to smell like a mall I want it to smell like old grease and weiners. Who needs to drive by a weinerhut to have that smell permeate your car?! You can just stick this handy and oh so classy air freshner in your car and you too can smell like a carnie all day long.

While I'm on the subject of reviews I would like to put this out there. If you are a company this is looking for me to review your product, please contact me first. Don't just send random stuff to my house and think I'll stick it on my site because I a whore for any old free thing. I can't tell you the amount of crap DVDs I get in my house each week. Ninja Noodles anyone?

I like Eco-friendly items. I'm sick to death of DVDs. I can't even give them away! I like clothing, jewelery, handbags and shoes. Send me cosmetics and skin products until the my house bursts at the seams but make sure it acutally appeals to my audience. Women, kids and babies. My highest readership is the 3-6 mos set. If you are a woman who has her own business and wants to promote it I will be more than happy to take a look at what you have and see what we can do.

So PR companies listen up. I know you are looking for a free ride here but you just aren't going to get it. I need you to work with me and my site. Appeal to me and we'll work out a deal. Send me one more Barney DVD and I might have to burn it in effigy and that is not very earth friendly.


  1. As a PR guy, please allow me to aplogize for my less learned brethren.

    But hey... at least the more ridiculous products lead to hilarious posts like this, right? :)

  2. Hmm...when's your birthday again?


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