Wednesday, January 16, 2008

H & the Unholy Trinity

There is a reason I normally do the grocery shopping in our house. H just gets too fired up while he is there. It takes me about 45 minutes to calm him down after each excursion. I must admit that I often agree with him but once I walk through those automated doors my mind shuts off and I am all about the list and getting the heck out of there in record time. If I can do a weeks worth of shopping in under 30 I am a happy camper.

H's top three reasons he isn't allowed to go to the grocery store.

1. The beige factor- It gets to me too. For H, it's worse. He will rant and rail against the fact that the frozen food section consists of food that is one color only. Beige. Why? Because it's fried carbohydrates or some type of processed food that sends him into a nauseated state of despair and anger. H hates processed foods. They are the devil.

2. The choices- It is illogical to H that companies like Chef Boyardee make 25 varieties and sizes of ravioli. Do we really need a fajita-pizza flavored ravioli? "How about vomit-in-my-mouth flavor!", he yells at the stacked cans. In jumbo size and mini? Who comes up with this crap? Who says, "Why isn't that just a flavor sensations!" Why is this the choice instead of something that actually sounds good which is now impossible to find? H sees red and has to exit the aisle quickly before he begins marking up the cans with nasty flavor-filled comments.

3. Other people- I know. Sounds harsh but H, like me, likes to zip through a store. The grocery store for H is like Michael's is for me. He is convinced that he shops in the store at the same time that zombies do. No matter what time he goes, there they are slowly strolling the aisles, jamming their carts together without a care in the world.

This last time he met up with a sweet trio. One man, with two women, who was pushing the cart so slowly through the three mini aisles of organic food he was aging before H's eyes. One woman on the cell phone yapping away but in a hushed tone. The other eating a jumbo size bag of potato chips so slowly H wasn't sure she was chewing. The glazed eyes he met scared him. The man was holding a calculator but seemed to not know what to do with it. He claims he was too distracted by them so he bought the wrong milk.

His latest adventure? It got him so crazed because this unholy trinity occurred all at the same time. Poor guy thought his head might explode. At least he had the wits about him to bring the re-usable bags.

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