Thursday, October 26, 2006

Stink Eye, Pink Eye, Double Trouble Yick Eye

I have to stop saying that I just want a normal week. Maybe if I stop saying it, that might actually occur. Otherwise I'll end up with another week where I'm found muttering, "Curses! Foiled Again!", with puke running down my arm, green snot on my shirt and a 'To-Do' list stuck to my ass. All day. And I never know it's there but I'm frantically looking for it.

Does this sound familiar? I hope so. I know I'm not the only one but I'm having some issues lately and I'm trying to work them out. I think it's the whole I know I'm staying home soon thing and that freaks the living daylights out of me. Especially after yesterday. Our world has been so messed up this month with abnormal days that it's hard to stay grounded.

Here's what is up: Tuesday daycare called, T.D. had double pink eye. Fabulous. Now not only did I feel the need to scratch my eyes out and de-germ everything in our house and cars, I had to leave work early AGAIN. Pink eye is uber-contagious as we all know so she had to be kept home for 24 hours requiring yet another work from home day.

One of my friends described working from home as a luxury. To anyone who does this with a highly active/sick infant you know it's anything but. When T.D. had puked on me a few times, rubbed sticky green snot on my shirt even more times, fallen down repeatedly after lunging after the dog and both my work and home computer crapped out by 1 pm I had to call it a day. I sat in the chair in our home office and just cried. I had accomplished nothing. I had a clingy, sick child on me. I felt overwhelming guilt for being an "unreliable" employee and not doing anything all day for work and I felt fat. Break out the Mom Jeans now because it's all that will fit me soon! Our erratic schedule the last few weeks has made working out something akin to if I was a sick kid it might be my Make A Wish dream.

My clothes are tight again. I feel so repulsed and inactive. I want to crawl under a rock. I certainly don't want H looking at me or touching me. I feel enormous and slow. I may not look that way to the average passser-by, but it's simply how I feel and I don't want to hear otherwise because it's how I FEEL.

It all just made me wonder. Is this what life will be like all the time once I'm home? I have to think no, because I won't have that whole "working and reporting to the man" thing hanging over me. I'll be working when I can. I'll probably feel bad about not bringing in as much money. I do have that fear of us making a mistake and come April I'll have to frantically look for a job and wonder if we'll find a daycare again for T.D. Soon I'll be making my own schedule and dragging her with me. So I have to keep thinking that way. It will be our schedule. Things will work out ok.

Plus I must keep telling myself that I'm doing a lot. I'm caring for T.D., working full-time and doing all the extras that come with a messed up schedule and anything else that must be done- clean house, car maintenance, errands, etc. Once I elminate the 12 hours I'm at work and not getting stuff done in our home life it will be vastly different. I must keep telling myself that. I must. If I don't I will crack shortly.

That's another thing. I am so sick of feeling that I'm on the verge of a breakdown every single week. I'm just getting by. I'm sick of feeling like a dirty dishrag that is all used up and laying on the side of the road crusted with dirt and leaves and various road debris, frozen in it's crumpled position.

Until next time....

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous10:24 AM

    Maybe you'll feel better once you aren't trying to do the whole work thing at your current job, even if it is from home. Maybe its just too much. I'm only 2.5 weeks into the whole Mom thing and I can't imagine having to return to work in 2.5 months. Sure there are sacrifices to me not working, but I think its better for my mental sanity right now. Will is rather good about when he gets home from work (he returned yesterday) that its my break time. I need that right now since I'm still healing and little man seems to be hitting his growth spurt a half week early. How can one little guy eat so much so often? I'm just glad we have him doing some sleeping in the evening hours and not all during the day. I'll take 3-4hr stints at this point as long as its at night :) Hang in there. Can't wait to exercise myself, but I have a bit of a wait. I would like to wear a sign that says "hey just had a c-section so ignore the pouchy lower belly and sleep deprived eyes."



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