Monday, October 02, 2006

Lost

You know that first week you get back from vacation? It seems like it lasts forever and is always much more stressful because, well it's not vacation. I had that week last week and Thursday I. Lost. It. Big. Time.

When we got back from Jamaica we immediately set about getting food back in the house, doing the mountains of laundry that accumulate and finishing the unfinished business of the house we are flipping. Add to that a regular work week and two nights of after work social plans, things we REALLY wanted to do, we should have known that is spelled Trouble with a capital T. The first one was a bit crazy with me running around the kitchen like a madwoman while H did things like folding laundry that I couldn't understand. Get your shoes off the table! Pick up your gym bag and put it away! Who cares about the laundry!!! But whatever, we had a good time. Thursday was a whole other bag of cats. Crazy cats with claws slicing through the bag whining and hissing to break free. Cats on crystal meth withdrawl.

The work day was just like any other. I suffered through a banal staff meeting. Put up with the crankiness of some co-workers. I was tired and dragging and had to have a latte at about 3 p.m. This is also when I realized that something I was working on was due to the customer on Monday. And I was off on Friday. Here I am supposed to be leaving in 30 minutes to go home and get ready for another social obligation and WHAM! I have to get this done. Crap! I did it without a moment to spare and I left 30 min. late. Not good. Not good at all.

Already ennervated I drove home where it began to rain. I live in the DC metro area where there is A LOT of traffic. It's obscene. People are crazy. When it rains it's not even a slow crawl but all out mayhem. I knew I was in for it when the droplets of water started hitting my windshield. I pressed on though, steeling myself from becoming a massive bunch of jumbled and crazed nerves. That lasted oh about 5 minutes. When it took me an additional 30 minutes to go 2 miles I started to cry and rage. I was really late now. H was nowhere near coming home. I had to pick up T.D. I got myself together and wiped away the tears and picked up that smiling face. Smiling face? Smiling face until she got into the car and started screaming like Hitler on acid. Arms flailing, screaming at the top of her lungs while I sat in the car stuck in more rain induced traffic and sobbed. That is when I truly lost it.

Lost it big time. While T.D. was in the car screaming over what I could not figure out. She had just been changed, she had a fresh bottle and a toys. What is wrong with her? I couldn't tell. The clock ticked further into the hour and my preciously small amount of time to get myself ready and T.D. slipped away. As I sat in that rain soaked mess of a road I sobbed. Great wracking sobs of stress and frustration at being back in this mess of a life going so fast. Vacation seemed eons ago. I screamed too. Oh yeah. Great loud screams that the other cars I'm sure could hear. This did not help the little inner environment of my car. I tried to get myself together for the sake of T.D. who was just crying harder now. I felt awful. She was a mess back there. I couldn't find a way to pull over. I just wanted to get home. I found my hands trembling and my body shaking as I continued to hiccup and cry. I had truly lost it. I thought, is this the PPD rearing it's ugly head? I thought I was over that. No, it wasn't the PPD. It was just me having a REALLY horrible day. Feeling all out of hope and wanting the day to be over. That I just can't take so much stuff now that we have T.D.

By the time we got home there was no time left to get ready. We needed to be leaving with our friends to go to our event. T.D. still needed to be fed and H was still not home. When I got T.D. out of her carseat I noticed what all the fuss was about. The poor kid had her bottle leak out all over her. The whold damn thing poured out on her leaving her a soaking wet mess. I felt so bad. I brought her inside, changed her and promptly headed to our neighbors to tell them that we simply could not go. Sorry, no dice tonight. Mummy is having a breakdown. I cried. I cried in front of them and a host of other people in their house. It was a truly awesome moment for me. Weaknesses all there for everyone to see.

H got home shortly thereafter and I couldn't even speak. I was too numb, ashamed, and saddened by how I had let myself lose it like that. I just fed T.D. and put her to bed. She was fine, now I needed to be.

I just want to know one thing. Has anyone else really lost it like this too? I try so hard to keep it together and sometimes it just gives. The dam bursts and I'm left shaking and soaked. I'm still trying to sort this whole thing out and feel like I'm not crazy.

5 comments:

  1. Well I don't have kids, so I don't know how much my experience relates...but yes, that used to happen to me all the time (it started around Spring 2005 and lasted about 6 months until I saw my doctor.....and then she gave me some medicine to make it all better. ;) LOL. But before that, I think it was years of stress build up that led to it...Try to find some Vicky time..I know good luck...but try. I love you! Hang in there!

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  2. Came across you through tallnluccky, and yeah, I have had many a day like this. Good luck, know that you aren't alone and with all the bad comes a lot of good.

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  3. Thanks to everyone who commented either through personal emails or on blogger. I know we all have days like this and that there really is a lot of good. I've been mulling a few things over lately about this whole work thing. Keep me in your thoughts.

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  4. We don't have kids, but you know how this last move nearly killed me. One afternoon in particular, waiting to see just one more apartment, I started screaming and crying in the car, made both of us question if we'd made the right decision with this job, with this life together. It was awful. Plus it was about 100 degrees outside. I was still exhausted from the cross-country drive and all the stress in general. And I hadn't had a chance to shower that morning before we went out on our apartment search, so I just felt so bad all over.

    I'm so happy for your decision to stay home! It will be good for you.

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  5. Thanks Steph! That means a lot to me. I know we all have days like this, I've had about one a week though in the last few months and it was clearly sending me a message.
    I'm nervous about staying home, losing myself, becoming null and void, etc. and all those other stereotypes you hear about SAHM's so it means a lot to have such great support from my friends who don't have kids but agree with my decision. It took a lot for me to make it.

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Thanks for commenting! It's always good to hear from a reader and not say, a robot.