Thursday, August 03, 2006

Love & Marriage

According to H/Mogul you don't need love to be married. Well, yeah. But, it does help. I'm not in total agreement with him on this one. I know that some people have arranged marriages and they work, usually because love grows from that. I think he's trying to say that respect has to come into play pretty seriously and mutual likes and dislikes. Maybe I have him wrong though. I could. I've only had one cup of coffee this morning.

Things brings me to another issue though entirely that I've been bumping up against lately. The marriage/baby snafu I will call it. Because it is. It's chaos and disruption and a continued one. I know I know- that is all very normal. But, see I've just come to the realization that I honestly thought that H/Mogul and I might be immune to that. We have a relatively strong relationship that's weathered a few things in the time since we've become a couple. I don't think I fully anticipated that new baby/new job/new career and new business would totally knock us on our asses. Granted the PPD doesn't help either. Maybe if we just had one of these things we wouldn't be in this snafu. Now that this problem has my full attention I want to do nothing but fix it. Fix it - immediately. Post haste! However, life does get in the way. The small amount of time that H/Mogul and I have together is usually sucked up with us relaying our days/any issues that have come up, problem solving, spending quality time with T.D. and getting house stuff done. Then poof! It's time for bed and we're exhausted. Romance? What's that? Yeah sure I've bought "special" underwear in hopes of using it. I shave my legs religeously but we collapse into bed, look at each other and think - you're nice. I like you. Good night! Snoorrree.....

It doesn't stop there. That is the least of my marriage/baby snafu issues. It's the distance and loss of relating to each other that occurs. It just creeps in and decides to hang out. My real problem now is that I don't want it to stay. Sure some people seem to think it's normal and let it go. I on the other hand have never been one to settle and neither has H/Mogul. We don't let things slide in our other avenues of life so why with the very core of our relationship? Why do others? You let it go and before long you are either on Dr. Phil complaining you haven't had sex in 16 years or you head to divorce court and become a statistic (I use this in the terms of couples who have children and then relate through them and lose their husband and wife relationship). This is what I see anyway. I don't want either of those as my end result. I don't want to be married for the sake of being married and find out down the road I'm married to a someone I no longer know or like. So how do we kick this snafu out? It's what I ask myself each day. I sadly, have not really come upon an answer beyond the usual. The make time for each other thing, etc. I know it takes two people to solve these problems and lots o communicating with one another continuously. It also takes the energy to do that and being around each other and that is what I think is lacking right now.

See and now I've gone and done what I didn't think I would do - air my marriage out there. But hey, I know we are not alone. So I figure I'll throw it out there and see what comes back.


  1. Anonymous11:26 AM

    I’ve been miss-quoted! I’ve never said that you do not need love to be married. What I’ve said is that you need more than just love to be married. While love is great and important, it alone will not carry you to your 50th wedding anniversary, or 1st for that matter. I feel that you have to genuinely like the person that you are married to in order to have a happy and prosperous relationship. The person that you are married to should be your best friend, that person that you want to be there and can count on being there for you during the worst of times, because they will come all too regularly and often in your life.

    Vicky and I were crazy, insanely in love with each during the first year we knew each other and that relationship went down in a burning fiery crash. It wasn’t until we lived several thousand miles and an ocean apart where we were forced to talk and really get to know and like each other without the physical aspect that we developed a healthy, respectful relationship.

    I love my wife and that love has grown stronger over the time that we’ve been together, but more importantly. If I did not like her, if I did not enjoy spending hours on the couch or in bed just talking to her, then I don’t think we would have made it this far. But because I do genuinely like her I see use dancing together at our 50th wedding anniversary.


  2. I hate to say it, but I agree with what H clarified in his comment. See, Thomas and I still love each other. He'll even admit that. But towards the end of our marriage he would say things like, "Its not a question of loving you. I know you love me. I love you. Its just not enough anymore." We didn't even have kids, but the effect/stress of two new careers (with opposite work skeds), new place, etc. meant we began to spend less and less time together. We just sorta lost touch with each other. Sad, but I do realize that now.

    And did H bring tears to your eyes or what with his comment? How sweet! See, just reading your blog helps me realize that Thomas and I lost that. The mutual like and best friend relationship. I have always and probably always will love him, but that wasn't enough to keep us together. :(

    I think its good you posted this...look at the response it evoked from H. Hang in there V - you're a great person, friend, wife and mom! I love ya!


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