I Love the Smell of Torture in the Morning

Running. Three miles. A 5k's worth. Five miles. Each week it increases. I've yet to find a route I like. The hills around here- they break me. You would think I would be a finely tuned running machine by now but I'm more like a cranky, old dog who has lost her bite.

Cross-training three times a week. It's back to Body Pump at the gym since Shredding has effed up my knees something fierce. Oh wait, that's right. I can't seem to drag my ass to an actual Body Pump class to save my life. I think of those disc weights and triceps curls and I turn into a whiny toddler who is two hours past her nap and in a downward spiral of a lost sugar high.

Just to punish myself more I have decided to add in a Detox. No sugar, no carbs, no dairy, very little if any meat. I'm blaming it on the few days I spent in LA eating soy-based products and little sugar. The "Hot Preview" (read fried calamari, french fries, wings, ribs and more!) which should have been called the "Hot Mess" that I devoured along with copious amount of wine-swilling, absinthe chugging chased with a bucket of vodka probably didn't help. My body, my liver, they wants to be cleansed. "Heal me!" My liver cries, casting itself about for some healing waters and a laying of hands.

I made it through day one of the detox. All steel-willed loaded with fierce and yes, a bit of pious determination. I gulped down water with lemon, detoxifying (read: crap your weight, on the hour, every hour) teas and then more water. I crammed my body full of assorted greens and other veggies throughout the day stopping only to nibble on a nut or two when I needed it. It felt good.

This morning? I burned my spinach-tomato-red pepper-onion-broccoli breakfast extravaganza after The Comedian puked on the floor. Cheerios littered the kitchen having little Cheerio babies. TD painted a masterpiece on the table with yogurt while I scraped the frying pan. I poured my morning coffee (my only indulgence in the detox) only to have it slosh on my legs soaking my gym shorts and scalding my feet. The kids loved the "Mommy is burning!" dance. I do aim to please.

Detox a.k.a. Stealing Food From Toddlers

After a week of too much cake, grilled food and I'm not talking veggies, and all things not in the realm of healthy food H and I decided that we needed to detox ourselves. To us that means only water, water with lemon, no carbs, no sugar, no refined or processed foods. Fruit is added in on day two or three in moderation. No meat. Sorry Hilshire. Veggies are what we live on with some nuts for craziness.

The first day is always the hardest. You crave whatever you have had too much of and you desperately think of food all day. A Fluffernutter, that hidden chocolate in my nightstand, or cheese glorious cheese! Dinner that night was a bleak affair. We silently munched our mung beans and tofu while trying to find the hidden joy in detoxing our bodies.

Day two is the energy surge. Your mind and body begin to clear and suddenly you can attack many projects. I become tres productive. Downing that morning glass of lemon water really charges up my system! However, as the day wore on so did the constant feeling of wanting more. I served T.D. mac 'n' cheese and couldn't stop inhaling it's cheesy goodness. I eyed her animal crackers like a wild, starved animal and yes, I confess, one did find it's way into my mouth. The best damn animal cracker of my life! To taste that classic lemony flavor was pure heaven in the shape of a monkey. I reformed myself until later that day. H came home and we had dinner. Tasty black beans and sauteed veggies. We settled in for the night. An hour later after devouring an apple and a second helping of black beans I found I was still quite hungry. Starving actually. I began to think of food again. Then I heard rustling in the kitchen. The microwave was going. H walks into the living room where I'm reading with a giant slab of birthday cake. I glare at him and say, "If this is supposed to trick me into getting off detox it won't work!" He smiles and says, "I'm 30 freakin' years old! If I want cake I'm going to eat cake!" He then shows me his piece which is bigger than mine. Mmmm cake. I'll eat more veggies tomorrow I swear.