Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Fear Leaving the Body

I've been feeling too sick and tired lately to do anything but my paid work.  Having food chucked at me, wiping snot off noses other than my own and being woken up more than once a night is just wearing me down.  I think you all come here for my honesty but not for the humdrum of our daily lives.  I've decided to try the '30 Days of Truth' to get my writing flowing again. 

Day One- Something You Hate About Yourself. 



That sounds like an awfully negative way to start.  OK, here goes.

I hate how I let a fear of failure get in my way.  I've gotten better as I have gotten older and seen that this fear will get me nowhere but as a kid it was always there like a shadow lurking just behind me, whispering in my ear that it was just easier and sigh, safer to stand back and let other people be daring and play sports, be loud, get into stuff and be bold.  I was not content and built up a lot of anger, bitterness and resentment towards myself and others because of this trait but the fear was too much.  It is a dark side of me that I loathe. 

For some reason when I turned thirty and I had TD that shadowy figure of fear lessened.  I've heard that the part of the brain that controls motivation in women gets bigger after having children.  That is especially true for me.  Suddenly, I didn't care about failure so much as I wanted to do what I wanted to do and who cared about the failing part. If I tried and things didn't work out, at least I could say I tried and it now made sense.  I wanted to be a fearless role model for my daughter more than my fear of failing. 

I still let fear get in my way at times, it allows me to procrastinate on small things that make no sense. I tell myself I'm shy or too tired when often it is fear sucking up my strength.  It angers me that I allow myself to be this way but more often than not I kick its ass to the curb these days.  It's always scary when I confront those fears no matter how big or small (like placing an order for food delivery. Yeah, I know that is weird but I still get all anxious about doing it.), but I tell myself that the nerves I'm feeling is just the fear leaving my body.  That's all.  I'll be better for it all later.

And you know what? It's always been true. 

Day One is complete. Can I run a victory lap around my house now? 

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous12:44 PM

    This is me to a tee! My fear of failure prevents me from taking chances and quite possibly having success at doing what I love. It has lessened since having kids, but I still find that I have the same feelings and excuse them as not enough time or being too tired.


Thanks for commenting! It's always good to hear from a reader and not say, a robot.