The Deep End

We had incredible storms here yesterday and it seems to have broken this oppressive heat wave the DC Metro area has been baking in.  My emotions in the past few weeks have been brewing up like this storm and yesterday, of all days, was the day it all just came thundering in, full of tornadoes, crying storms and tales of hysteria. 

For the last few weeks I've been consistently telling each OB or midwife and nurse that I see that while I might seem healthy in the vitals department I was clearly not doing well emotionally.  It was beginning to scare me too. I have had post-partum depression twice now and I didn't like that I was feeling that way already and I hadn't even birthed this kid yet.  I felt like a walking "Danger Zone!" sign complete with blinking lights.  Yet, no one was listening. 

On Monday after a restful visit to the Big Apple. Yes, really, it was restful.  I had my 38 week check-up.  A.K.A. the day that I was supposed to get my induction date.  The doctor who saw me said, "I don't check.  We're not going that route."  I think white flames began to shoot from my head.  Little neurons backfired as I absorbed this information. I wasn't even going to be told if I was making progress?  I just walked all over New York for goodness sakes hoping that something would happen!  I got a bit teary and pissy and went home.  Screw them. I'm going to walk this kid out of me.  Heat wave be damned!  So I tried.  I walked until I was exhausted, pushing both girls in the double stroller. I walked all over the place for days. I cleaned and tackled major projects. When I couldn't sleep in the middle of the night (every night) I paced the house.  Contractions were often but nothing was happening.  Patience was running thin and I was feeling so overtired that the idea of anyone even talking to me or me having to talk to them sent me over the edge.  That nasty dark feeling was creeping in.  By Thursday morning when my appointment with the specialist who checks my placenta dawned I was a sobbing mess.  I cried during the whole appointment those ugly, swollen-faced tears.  I had to stick myself in a bathroom stall afterwards to try and get some control. Despite the nurse and Sonogram tech telling the doctor I was clearly not doing well, I was patted on the head and told to get some sleep and stay out of the heat.

Um... yeah.  SLEEP WOULD BE FANTASTIC IF IT WOULD HAPPEN!!!  So would eating if it didn't make me gag or feel like puking afterwards.  I haven't gained weight in almost a month. That never happened with the other two pregnancies.  Why does no one hear me when I tell them that? 

From the bathroom stall I texted a friend feeling mortified I had lost all control.  I sobbed to her in my car about how bad of a mother I feel I have become and here I am supposed to be welcoming another child into the world.  I had officially cracked.  When I got home later that morning I immediately called my midwife's office.  The receptionist could hear my pain and hysteria.  She held me on the line and asked if she could just sit there on the phone with me for a while even after she booked my appointment.  That just made me cry harder.  Obviously my hormones are so amped up right now and combined with all the sleeplessness I've gone a bit off the deep end.  Thankfully, my friend had the girls and told me she would keep them until I had my midwife appointment later that afternoon.

It was a relief to arrive at that appointment and see a friendly, familiar nurse who I have always loved.  Seeing a new midwife who had no knowledge of my past pregnancies helped too.  I cried again, feeling ridiculous.  When we began to go down the road of "Let's get you some sleep aids, have a high protein breakfast and make sure you are resting..." All feeling left my voice.  I said in a flattened tone, "No.  No. No, I will not go on anti-depressants that won't start working until a few weeks from now. I will not take an anti-anxiety medication for when I feel anxious because it won't help.  I need to know if I am making progress. I need to be checked.  I need to know that this baby is coming and I am not left hanging out there. I need my induction date and for someone to hear me and that is all. IT.IS.IN. MY. CHART." 

High protein breakfast?  YOU WANT ME TO DRINK A SMOOTHIE? WTF? I'm hypo-glycemic that's my life, lady.  I'm high protein all the time.  "Cash in my chips?  Ask my spouse to stop working so he can deal with the kids?!" WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?! 

So she checked me.  I'm almost there.  Today, the hospital called.  Induction is scheduled for next week.  That fading placenta only has a few more days to keep chugging along.  Last night I took an ambien to help me sleep and it worked.  I feel a bit more sane today but I think I need a few days of silence and rest before this all amps up again next week.  And possibly a high protein breakfast.  Heh.