Tuesday, May 04, 2010

If Life Was a Movie It Would Be Funny

If it was a movie it would be funny.  You would watch it play out on the screen and think, "Oh my God! What more could happen to this family in such a short period of time?"  The on-screen family would bumble through the mess and we would all laugh as we munch our salty, sweet snacks and guzzle gallons of soda.  As it is I just tell myself, "It could be worse. Just roll with it."

It started with the car being totaled and the need to replace it with another car payment, er car.  At this point we were all atwtitter with the money I would be making from last month's work and how this would help with new things for the baby (it's a girl!), paying bills and saving.  Ah, relief and answered prayers had come just in time.  Then the water heater died and flooded our basement.  We laughed a bit nervously saying, "Well, at least we have that extra money coming in."  Then the new car got hit.  The damage is not abysmal, but it still costs more than I would like or think is remotely reasonable.  Sunday, on our way to church we got a flat tire. "Well, I needed new front tires on the truck anyway..."  I just love forking over $300 in one grimy afternoon, is more like it.

That brings us to yesterday afternoon.  Sitting in the auto place waiting for the tires to be replaced I was grateful for the partially blocked off toy area.  The girls looked at books, played with old action figures and roamed about quietly.  For the first twenty minutes.  Suddenly, I see a giant puddle of water crawling across the floor and notice the stroller has tipped over.  The water bottles I packed for us were leaking all over the place at a rapid pace.  Using only the brown, non-absorbent paper towels the auto place had I began to mop up the mess. Not in time for The Comedian though who had already discovered the tiny river and was traipsing around the waiting room leaving wet, scattered footprints all over the place.  I thought of it all as a lawsuit waiting to happen.  I crawled around the other patrons mopping up the mess, cleaning The Comedian and thwarting her attempts to climb every chair and wall in the place. 

In the next hour we exhausted the snacks.  The kids began to mutiny and I didn't blame them.  The Comedian found an old Tootsie Roll on the floor and ate it wrapper and all.  Sticky, brown goo I initially thought was motor oil drooled down her face and clothes. The minutes ticked by.  I looked for our truck again and realized it was no longer in the garage or the parking lot.  WTF?  Where was the car?  I went to the service desk and found out that while The Comedian's diaper grew large in size and sag (smart Mommy had forgotten in the truck) the truck had been finished for quite some time and parked on the street.  The mechanic then called our home, not our name in the waiting area, to tell me to what?  Walk and get the truck?  I glared and tried not to huff and puff demon-like smoke as I explained, "I've been sitting here for two and a half hours.  Just sitting here! You called my house?! Not even my cell?"  I paid the bill and tried to make a swift exit.  I was pregnant lady, angry and starving with angry, starving, bored, over-tired children.  The stroller was grabbed, The Comedian placed in it. In our swift exit we forgot the keys and a sippy cup, which I later found in a bin of tires. Naturally.

Five minutes later we met H in a new, lauded Mexican restaurant across the street.  Five minutes after that H proclaimed, "Remind me to never take the kids to a Mexican place again."  The nap-deprived, hungry kids were rebellious and rigid with anger.  Tortilla chips were used like daggers.  Salsa like napalm. TD screamed as an ant crawled across the table.  The first of many.  The food arrived greasy and tasteless.  Chips and salsa debris littered and splattered the table as The Comedian found some refried beans to hurl around. TD complained her tacos weren't up to par and one bite from me through a clenched, trying not to gag smile confirmed it.  An ant crawled through The Comedian's hair as she poured a milk cup down the front of herself.  We were all on the verge of losing it.  H and I pushed our food around.  The waiter hovered beyond excess making H and I surly.  No wonder the place was empty.  I killed more ants, called for the bill and H took the kids to the car as I waited.  I felt like I needed a shower. 

I wanted to bury my head in my hands as I waited for the check and wallow for a moment but what good does that do?  I just had to think, "If this was a movie, I would find this funny. If this was a movie, I would find this funny."


  1. oh, honey. That wouldn't be a funny movie. That would be a horrible movie, let alone in real life. I am so sorry.

    Kudos for finding the cup. I started on my trip with 5 and am down to 1. Why? It makes for more active fighting though, so there is always that dog-eat-dog action to keep me on my toes.

    When I get back, you need to come over. Seriously.

  2. oh, i so hear ya. We bought a new dishwasher and just had to have my car towed yesterday.

    Things breaking, you are on notice.

  3. What a series of events! I will say though that I laughed throughout reading this post!


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