I'll Get There. Right?

I went for a walk with The Comedian this morning.  I needed out.  Lately our home has begun to feel like a prison to me.  Winters are typically hard for me.  I've had Seasonal Affective Disorder for as long as I can remember.  I grew up with New England winters.  There is a reason I don't live there any more and those winters are it.  They last too long, are too cold and too bleak.  Some years are harder than others and this would be one of those years.  I think the combination of big snow coming early to our parts with record cold temperatures and some stunning news that came my way has really gotten to me at this not so optimal time of year. Mentally, physically and emotionally I'm a little screwed up right now. 

Being outside this morning helped.  The sunshine and bracing cold temps. The fact that I forgot to wear gloves and worked up a sweat as I pushed the stroller stuffed with a sleeping baby up winding hills.  I felt cleaner.  I saw homes being built and the sound of hammer to nails being driven into wood made me feel oddly productive as well. 

I need goals.  I need plans. I need to feel like myself again.  I need to not wake up each morning feeling like someone slipped me a roofie.  I need to stop pacing my house and seeing the same things.  I feel like I'm living Groundhog Day.  I find when I'm out among other people at social events I feel better. My mind is busy with other things.  It's not focusing on the dark, creeping feelings and the sickness that has populated my days of late.  It's the day to day living, the moment to momentness I have to go through in order to get through each day that is so hard.  I know at some point it will turn around.  It's just hard to see that sometimes.  Bear with me everyone as I deal with what I've got going on.  I'm trying my best to get through this in a good, healthy way.