Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Mortality Looking Me Square in the Eye.

Last Friday I had my ultrasound appointment for my right breast. In the days leading up to it I could barely sleep. I felt exhausted mentally and then physically.

Each night I would lie down and my brain, lethargic during the day would instantly whir to life. All the cogs moving at warp speed and what felt like a million thoughts began zipping along my own personal information super highway. I wasn't trying to be full of doom and gloom but with the pain persisting in my breast there was this constant reminder that something just wasn't right. I dreaded the ultrasound but couldn't wait for my questions to be answered. I couldn't take this lack of sleep and constant feeling of worry settling in my stomach. Questioning your mortality is one thing but throw in a husband and two kids into the mix and I began to question myself and feel a sense of guilt if something was actually wrong.

But it's not. It's apparently quite common for women to have this knot under their nipple even weeks after weaning. The pain is gone after icing and the knot has gone down considerably. It has been an immense relief and yet my brain has not been able to calm down. The idea that my mortality was looking me square in the eye has been a bit too much for me to swallow. It's left me uneasy and I can't seem to shake it. I keep thinking there is another shoe that will dropping shortly and I don't know why. I feel like a shadow of something is always one step behind me and I really want to kick it's ass.


  1. Wow -that could have (was, obviously) really scary. I don't remember any knots when I stopped nursing DS1 but will remember your post if I notice anything when I stop with DS2. ((HUG))

  2. I'm glad things are ok -- at least in one way. Just ride the wave, baby, and soon you'll end up safe on the shore. Sending more good vibes to you.

  3. I went through a similar scare last summer, even having a lymph node removed for a biopsy. Everything came back clear, but the scare has definitely stuck with me.

  4. I'm so glad everything checked out. I've been thinking of you!


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