Friday, June 19, 2009

Product Reviewer Welcomes You to Her World

7 a.m.- What the heck is that bizarre hellish chirruping noise? Almost like a chirping bird, almost like a mechanical cat tied in a sack being sent up river. I slam the array of buttons on the Alarm 3000 that I'm testing out this week hoping it shuts the damn thing up. Wait! Where the heck am I? I don't recognize the duvet cover I'm sleeping under. Oh right, I put a new one on last night from that store that only makes things out of bamboo and hemp. The indigo blue color is dyed by real ancient Phoenicians!

7:05 a.m.- In the bathroom jackhammering my teeth with the latest Sonic toothbrush and wishing I had some Novocaine or maybe anti-nausea medicine. This toothbrush might seek to eradicate gingivitis but it is also systematically wiping my gums clean out of my mouth! Only the cinder ash and baking soda toothpaste I'm trying out from 'Back to Basics' is worse than this pain.

7:15 a.m.- I trot downstairs and instead of juice and yogurt I give TD a squeezable pack of fruit puree. It's juice! Well, sort of. It's a snack! Maybe? I don't know what it is for but it is organic so why not, right? She also ingests a tube of pro biotic yogurt geared for kids that is a radioactive lime green color only a kid would love. I tell her to hurry up because it is back to the salt mines, er playroom for her again today. She's got DVD's to watch, kid video games to test out and some experimental play-doh/paint to get her hands all gooped up with. We've got work to do kid! Let's get crackin'!

8:00 a.m.- Down in the playroom TD is busy at her easel smooshing play-doh and trying her hand at Cubism with the play-doh/paint while working her way through her fourth DVD of the day. Her eyes are a bit glazed over and I'm sick of looking and hearing overly perky exotic animals belt out songs in fourteen different languages. Is it time to test out that new potato vodka yet?

9:13 a.m.- Time to shower! I test out the water and make sure I have everything I need to begin my own evaluations. Waterproof Notepad? Check. Pen? Check. I get in and begin to wash my face with the fifth cleansing lotion this month. Bonus! My skin isn't searing in burning pain this time! My eyes haven't puffed up from some horrific allergy either. I shave each leg with a different shaving cream and make notes. The ink from the pen isn't exactly sticking to the paper but I'm sure I'll remember that the scent of lilac and blueberries with a hint of organic is spot on for shaving my pits. Who wouldn't want lilac-blueberry scented pits with a hint of organic lime? Especially for the bargain price of $27.50! Who cares that you can only get it at one store in L.A. It's worth the $600 airfare just to experience the store itself isn't it?

9:42 a.m.- My hair is dried and styled. I'm wearing a ridiculous avant-garde style t-shirt that has shoulder pads and what is this? Puffy paint? Is that even still around these days? Whatever. I'll wear it for a bit and see if I get reactions from my neighbors as I walk to the mailbox. The doorbell rings and the FedEx man drops off four packages. All new products to review. Our dog barks waking up The Comedian.

10:12 a.m.- I settle down to work and realize I need to do some laundry because I have detergent to test out this week. I run downstairs to throw in a load and pour in the detergent. Mm... smells like lavender and thyme. Perfect! I check on TD who is literally knee-deep in band in a box toys to review. The racket is getting pretty loud as she seems to have made herself into a one-girl band.

10:45 a.m.- Typing away on a weekly blog post the doorbell rings and it is the UPS man. He drops off two boxes. One of them has dry ice in it. Looks like we got frozen sweet potatoes in the shape of smiley faces! Just in time for lunch. The dog barks at the UPS man and The Comedian wakes from her second attempt at a nap.

2 p.m.- Lunch has been served. The sweet potatoes were just fine. I've made copious notes and taken photos of TD noshing away on them. I've cleaned up the kitchen using a bottle of eye-wateringly strong all-purpose cleaner. One star. I feel like I may have to take a Silkwood shower after using that stuff. It's nap time for TD and we break out one of the new story books we received. This is one of the best parts of the job. Books!

2:37 p.m.- Both kids are napping and just in time for our post woman to drop off another set of DVD's for us to view. I'm a bit tapped out in the DVD department. They take up so much time and often times it just reaffirms what total crap is being produced and pawned off as kid entertainment.

I've written three reviews today, tested numerous products and I'm tapped out. Do I have any Calgon to review? Instead I head over to my Dulce Gusto for an instant caffeine fix. It isn't something I got for free but I will be reviewing it. I can't keep quiet about it, I love it so much. That's the thing. I've got the product review bug. I love trying new stuff and letting people know my honest opinion about it all whether I got it for free, I'm being paid or I bought it myself.

And yes, I really have reviewed many of these types of products.

1 comment:

  1. Hahahaha...seems so surreal in print, but it's what we do, no?


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