Thursday, December 11, 2008

Welcome to My Confessional

I will admit that being pregnant makes me insecure. It brings out the bad side in my body image issues. Post-birth it is even worse. Just before Dash Two was born H made the remark, "Oh great! You're going to get all obsessed and into your bad body image issues in a few weeks again. I hated that stage."

Um.. yeah. Me too.

Here's the really bad part. Combined with the whole "I hate that I don't fit into my pants yet" stage and "Damn it! I want to go running! Can I just stop bleeding already?!" I so miss the gym and the feeling of being free while on a good run, music pumping in my ears, sweat covering me and getting into a zone. I need that right now, bad. I get jealous of H for being able to do that. In fact, each time he mentions he is going to the gym I visibly flinch and curse him in my mind. I don't want to be that way but the green monster gets me every time. I'm glad he goes to the gym regularly. Grateful even. He's a good motivator for me, but I envy him all the same.

I digress though. What's even worse than all the above is that I get wicked (What's up Cranston!) suspicious of H. I know that I can't devote the time and energy to him that deep down and even on the surface I want to. I miss him. I want to be awake and lively when he comes home but by that point in the night I'm running on fumes. Each day I promise that that evening I will be the "old me". I shave. I do my hair. I try to look nice and not be covered in spit up and breast milk. I clean the house and try to keep the kids happy so that when he comes home it's not to a freakin' four alarm massacre going on all over the house. However, most days I feel like I'm barely making it. Throw in work and just every day life and I'm done. I read posts like Kristen's and I can really relate.

I'm angry at myself when I fail. I get easily frustrated and even angry when I spend all day cleaning the house and someone walks in the front door and says, "Why does the house smell funny?" Because it's clean mister. Because I said so! That's why.

I'm trying to not be this way. I really am. Most days I'm just happy and grateful that I'm not hitting rock bottom in the postpartum depression department again and wanting to live in our crawl space. I'm just content that I still like my life and my kids. Yes, I want my old self back and miss my pants, Liz Lange maternity only gets me so far, but I'm working on it. All. Really, I am. Yet, somehow it never feels like enough.

4 comments:

  1. Give yourself some time. You just had a baby like 2 seconds ago.

    Seriously, are you even allowed to drive yet? Take it easy. You aren't being fair to yourself.

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  2. I am ridiculously hard on myself I know. I try to not be but it's against my nature or something. I need reprogramming. Ha.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous4:56 PM

    We all go through those stages, however know that you are a beautiful inside and out, no matter what anyone else about you. It's good to have a positive image, whether you're thin or you're heavy, I think society shouldn't focus so much on body image but becoming healthy. You wanting to become healthy is a good direction to take. Life is too short Victoria to be too hard on yourself. Enjoy. you're young, you're beautiful and remember no matter what people say about you, what matters most is how you view and value yourself.
    Take care.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous4:59 PM

    You're beautiful inside and out. Don't worry what other people may say to you. The only thing that really matters is how you view yourself.
    Stay positive and surround yourself with people that would boost your confidence, not people that would only focus on your outward appearance, but what is within.
    Take care.

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for commenting! It's always good to hear from a reader and not say, a robot.