Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Bugs Crawling Under My Skin? Nope, Just Hormones

Ever have one of those days where you actually feel the hormones pulsating through your body? It is like there are bugs crawling under there or quite possibly your skin is about to jump off your body because it is on fire? Really? You too huh?

Yesterday was one of those days. I classify a day like this when the following symptoms occur. If and when three or more of these traits show up on my door step I basically have to just ride it out. Ride it out and tell everyone else to just take cover.

1. The creepy crawly skin feeling. Also accompanied by hot flashes and waves of nausea. If you speak to me when this is happening I just may flip out on you in a Tom Cruise scary fashion. Not the fun couch jumping Tom Cruise either. The Gawker displayed type with the nutty eyebrows and crazy fist pumping away. My eyes may seem like they are spinning too. Just quietly back away.

2. Suddenly Mummy begins to sound like Clint Eastwood. The low whispery growl that comes from my mouth is calm and measured but in reality it is at the breaking point. Don't mess with me punk! Because you my dear are never lucky when I begin talking like this. Be afraid. Be very afraid. Don't speak. When I'm trying to buckle you into your car seat please don't buck and scream into my right ear drum like that. Mummy can very quickly go from Clint Eastwood to Joan Crawford when she is in this state. Clint Eastwood is much nicer.

3. Narcolepsy or lethargy akin to almost going catatonic. Selp explanatory and it just comes over me. Then it's gone and I'm wired again because the bugs! The bugs! are back and worming around my body.

4. Eating everything in sight and then hating everything I just ate. This includes eating things like, well, everything in sight. Don't make me talk about it. I might bite off a finger if you try and make me share when I'm in this mode. If you like your digits then get away from my plate.

5. Consuming too much caffiene to counteract the intense lethargy only to have it be counterproductive causing me to go into a state of what I can only deem close to 'roid rage' but I'll call it 'sbux rage'. In the event that I begin downing cups of caffiene in this manner just chuck the Senseo over the side of the deck or lock it in a trunk in the basement for a few days. When the shakes stop I'll understand why you had to do that.

6. Unabashed buying of chocolate products. "Hey! We're at Trader Joes buying organic foods. Organic chocolate. Chocolate covered caramels and butter biscuits covered in chocolate. Oooh! How did that pound of brie just get tossed in the cart next to the canisters of chocolate cookies sprinkled with caffiene dust?"

There are many more symptoms that are smaller but just as lethal when my body decides to flood itself with hormones. It doesn't happen often but when it does even I can't stand being around myself. I just want to ball up in the fetal position and stare at the tube. Then I realize that the writer's strike is still on and the only thing to watch is a show about Redneck Weddings and I go balistic and almost rip the stuffing out of the couch with my teeth.

Let's hope today is better. Make your day better and visit the reviews (that green spiffy bar to your right!) section for a chance at a free Senseo coffeemaker!

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