What am I Thinking? I'm thinking No. Not Yet.

I had a dream last night that I was in labor. Labor in some horribly old, mad-scientist looking type of a hospital. I was not supposed to be there. The walls were dripping wet with condensation and the floor was incredibly filthy. I was not going to have my baby there. I was also beyond huge. I could barely walk.

When my water broke I looked at H all confused and said, "My leg is wet. Must be the dampness of this place." He looked at me like I was high on the smack. Then my legs gave out from under me. On the filthy, dirt-crusty floor I cried, "I cannot feel my legs! I am numb from the waist down and I haven't even had any drugs yet!" Anxiety? You could say that. I could blame it all on my brief glimpses of My Name is Earl last night or on one simple fact. I'm late. Like 10 days late. It's a freakin' PMS laden nightmare.

I do not normally discuss this type of stuff here it is just not my thing, but obviously this is getting to me. I've taken FIVE tests. All negative except for one invalid one. That one? It scared the bejeezus out of me. It just wouldn't register at all and I sat there blinking, willing it to do something. ANYTHING! The after about ten minutes I trashed it. Then, I whipped out another test and moved on. OK, I did go back later and check the invalid one again. Still blank. I took another test this morning, even trying another type, same outcome. Negative.

I have to say it was a relief. I had just told H, admitted really, that I'm just not there yet. Give me until BlogHer. I'll be ready by then. Right? I think so. I just need a bit more time. Because I'm clearly just not ready. Can I say it anymore? It is the one thing I realize more and more each day. I know I will be, when the time is right. My heart, mind and body still need to heal from some of the aftermath of the last pregnancy and its fallout. It was more traumatic and scarring than I realized or like to admit. After all I survived worse I thought. So why can't I just jump back on the pregnancy horse so to speak?

I should probably be reading this book. But when I place it in my cart over at Amazon I end up taking it out because again, I'm not ready to even read a freakin' book. This is harder than I thought to admit and not something I thought would happen. I figured after a calculated amount of time I would be ready for another child. I could just wing it or let it happen but for some reason I am not. I'm not and I feel like a villain. As if I'm taking something away from H, my family and his family. Like I'm some ice queen holding all the cards and power and I don't even want them. Perhaps I just need to hear that no one cares if we have another one. That it is not an issue and I can just let it fall away. It would stop sitting there in the back of my mind nagging at me too like some problem I can't solve.


On a whole other topic - Senseo wants you nice people to test out their merchandise so click here and get started on your pod coffee journey.

ALSO the wonderful group over at SVMomBlogs is looking for more NYCMom contributors. They want to launch the site soon and need more writers. So if you live in the New York area, blog and write please check this out and contact them. You would be joining a fabulous group of writers and bloggers. I love being a part of the DC site. You can even email Jill Asher herself at jillDOTasher AT gmail DOT com.