Dear Nice Lady Whom I Now Loathe

To the Woman in Front of Me at the Safeway Checkout,

Hi! Remember me? The woman dripping in sweat because I was at the gym right before I dashed into our local Safeway? I also had the cranky toddler who everyone smiled at when she pointed to Matthew Mcconaughey and proclaimed, "Daddy!" Yes, that was me.

I thought you were a nice smart lady. I thought you had your shit together when I got in line behind you. It was the express line after all. Fifteen items or less! You had more kids than groceries piled in your cart. We were simpatico. You were already sliding your credit card through the scanner when I dumped my greeting card and jug of organic milk on the conveyor belt. Easy peasy. Then you got confused.

It wasn't the credit card processing. It was the coupon on the receipt. I know. They are awfully colorful aren't they? It's hard to ignore them. However, when you asked the nice cashier if you could use it right then and there, well, we all know that isn't possible. It's NOT POSSIBLE because you DIDN'T PURCHASE THAT PARTICULAR ITEM!!!

That's the tricky thing about coupons. You have to actually purchase the item and THEN present the coupon before you slide your handy piece of plastic through the card reader. So when the cashier explains that to you for the fifth time just go with it. The six people now behind you all carrying gallons of milk do not have the time or patience to have you ask for the sixth time. We may be smiling a tad through bared teeth but we really mean MOVE YOUR BUTT WOMAN!!! GET OUT! YOUR TIME IS UP!! WHAT IS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND?! Besides the screeching from my child should be more than enough to drive anyone away.

I have to say though, good job on confounding even me. When you asked that question about whether or not you could scan the coupon in at your own home and get money back, well I was just flummoxed. I had no idea that was possible. You must have a truly special type of scanner and computer that the rest of us don't. Dare I say? Magical. Funny, that the cashier didn't understand you either. Now please kindly get your cart away from the register. No, no, don't try to fold the coupon up nicely in your wallet. JUST GO! The cow I outsourced while waiting is already producing milk faster than this line is moving.